Rainy

ummmm, I'm rained in. Can't get to work. The freeway is closed. My street is closed. The cops wont let me leave. Lol, Im like a kid finding out school is closed! But then I remember that I cant get out to see Robert either! Fuck!

More Later, I'm sleepy!

Today it's raining, tomorrow it's gunna rain, it's been a week since it wasn't raining and It will be another week until it stops. I feel wet all the time and there's a since of depression thought the culture of Sonoma, Marin and Napa county's. There is a fear I hold, because I am now part of the commuter world, that I am going to hydro plane into a car and flip both of us. On my way home with Robert I nearly slid off the road into a wall twice. What really made my heart jump a beat was how my car began to slide sideways and as I begin to lose more and more control my heart begin to sink just a bit lower into my chest. I hate the feeling that I could hurt not only myself but those around me. I Hate the rain!

This is something that im sure your going to get tired of but it's more of for me then you, okay?

This years New Year's resolutions!
1. Loose weight: I always say it, I always wonder if it will happen, always wish it would and always wonder Why I don't.

2. Spend more time with my family: I will remember later why this is never a good idea, but until then, just saying it makes me feel better! hahahaha

3. BE ONTIME: yes, Robert knows as well does my previous employer, I need to get real on this and I believe this will be my biggest focus this year.

4. Be true: I will work on becoming more honest with my friends and family and even in my relationships.

5. Less Fighting: I will stop becoming argumentative.

Merry Christmas!

“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.

“Let’s be thankful to Brownie for doing such a good job, even if he doesn’t have it anymore.

“Let’s be thankful that we live in a place like America and not in a place like China where the doors are really tricky to open.

“Let’s be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.

“Let’s be thankful for Sony PlayStation Portable, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they’re going on and on about the economy.

“Let’s be thankful that the year’s almost over and I’ve managed to avoid talking to Cindy Sheehan.

“Let’s be thankful that John Kerry waited until a year after the election to start saying smart things about Iraq.

“Let’s be thankful to Rep. “Mean Jean” Schmidt (R-Ohio) for saying, ‘Cowards cut and run, but the brave serve in the Alabama National Guard.’

“Let’s be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.

“Let’s be thankful that we have such courageous men and women working at the CIA, and that we all know their names.

“And finally, my fellow Americans, let’s be thankful that, even though we still haven’t brought Osama bin Laden to justice, we did finally get Robert Blake.”

Perma Smile

As of late....Almost every moment I have is spent with Robert or at Gap.
Two things that are making me smile permanently right now?
1. I have a good job! I get paid good, I am happy and I'm learning a lot!
2. Walking into Roberts well he has classical music full blast watching him conduct as I cooked and drank sweet wine.


And on a final note...I've quit smoking! It's been like a month!

Through the Looking glass....

Unwanted

Your unwanted
Your rolling eyes
Loud dermatic sighs
Lame requests
You seem to me to be LAME at best
That's it and all I can say
Just go.....go far away!

Making the right

First things first...Where is hedge? Long time no comment my friend? Where is your witty releasing humor?

After that I think it's time to update on work. Work has been pretty good. Well, actually, it's been slowly getting a lot better then It was when I first started. Things are picking up in pace and I can see myself making noticeable progress. Something that has changed is that Robert quit Target and started working with me again.

Right now I just need so much guidance in my life I don't know where to even begin! Love, friendship, work, school...Tell me! I have no idea. I like making the advice, but taking it is something totally different.

Help

I feel fat and I feel left out and I feel cheated. Help.

Broke-n

Life is a little bitter tasting at this moment. The lack of money and funds for things I must have, are hurting my day to day life. I now even dream about not having money. It hurts that im so unable to provide for myself but it also makes me angry. When I got fired, I realized two things, 1. This is the biggest mistake this women is making in her relatively new and short carrier. And 2. There are so many more that are still there that have " More attendance Issues" than I. So me being a little resentful thinks all the time about how her mistake has made such a dent in my life. I wondered, maybe once or so if I'll ever be able to financially recover. This only thinking of the awful hit my credit has taken in the last month. I hate this feeling, It's hopelessness and helplessness. It's LAME.

A Life at that

I'm living in what months ago I had professed as a " A life long Lived". This life Lived as it is, short and supple, has proven to be nothing short of anything. I'm young, childish and what some may call restless.

In all my living I have come be...Ashamed if you will of my own "Discontent". Knowing no open road, I seem to wonder aimlessly among those that have paved their own before me. This world knows no shortage of dreamers. To me, there are only two kinds of people when speaking on this subject: Those who dream and follow their mystic's to amazing heights, in other words, the successful, and then there are those who just can't figure their wayward dreams to paper. I, like many others, have plenty of dreams, plenty of hopes and wishes, but pinning them down is sometimes more difficult then what it sounds.

I'm in a restless mood. I'm in a restless life. Living has become an adventure on it's own. Those of us whom live with this ocean spinning and turning within, we all know to well that life is nothing set, nothing permanent and we all learn to live with that of not living.

My long winded and lame point to this cryptic story is that of a happier note then that of what has been purveyed: I am restless, not dead, not unliving, not without goals and heartache. I want to become something with someone, somewhere sometime, will my tides allow me such liberties? Will I become untied from within?

Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of
progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.
Thomas A. Edison

Gap

This is where I work. I love it/hate it. It makes me feel so poor sometimes. Sometimes when the teeny bopper kids come in with mommys credit cards spending hundreds.

Funniest quote of the day: " You can just get a bathing suit in Hawii....There's bound to be something there for you ( This being said to a pregnant lady) you know how huge those hawiians are!"

Gap Inc.

I had a horrible horrible awful dream last night. I woke up and in what only girls may understand, I cried for 2 hours straight. In other news, I GOT A JOB! I'm working like an hour away at GAP. Score! I make a LITTLE bit better then what I was at Target, but it's still an hour away! I need tires, and a check up on my car, then it needs to be smoged still! But then I also need to pay my insurance and car payment! But what Im looking forward to the most is building my wardrobe! It's going to be NICE!

Bo-dega!

Fixing the mistake

It started early this morning. Nagging at me deep inside my dreams. Planting a seed that grew into the horrible ugly feeling that was today. I want to crawl into a hole and cover myself forever, maybe jump off the top of the tallest coffee shop and burst into million of tiny pieces. I don't know what started this. I made my way home tonight crying as I made every turn, thinking " OMG...What the hell am I doing??????" everything I bring myself back to is " There could be worse! Think about it collette! You could be in a horrible car accident...Then again you can't drive your car for much longer because it's no longer registered...But thankfully you have your health....But you also don't have health insurance..." LAME!!! I wish I could just be happier, JUST BE HAPPY COLLETTE!! Just, get a job, just work, and do it better then ever! Okay?

Why is she making out with that guy she doesn't know? Isn't that her mom's doctor?

This lifetime movie I'm watching...Makes no sense. And I'm messing up my nails to tell you all this random nonsense

Groups of familiarity

Nothing to post as of yet. No job, No life. My time is split between the boyfriend and the bestfriends. I've taken up cooking and cleaning. There's a new me slowly growing out of the old shell of familiarity. I'm taking pictures again and I'm loving them regardless of their quality. I'm happy for moments at a time and for once in such a long time...I can say I'm doing the right thing. I really want to focus on getting a good job. I was looking for something outside of retail and more along the lines of photography or Office work, but things seem to be moving slowly.

I posted my resume on Monster.com which can I say, is awesome! I've gotten two calls regarding my experience and so far they seem promising.

Well...Time to finish my nails, this week is Dark Maroon!

FYI

Kohls sucks, Mervyns sucks, and River Rock Casino Sucks. Fyi bitches!

oh really?

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Could I not have been looking for a job! Could I not somehow end up with a resume site that has ads for Boston red sock poker sets? Ehhk, im over it, now i just feel completely awful, kohls are ass holes!

Im happy...Yeah!

It stings and burns, and as I cry the feeling goes from my face and seems to lump into my chest. It hurts and it's a relief all in one odd turn. I miss him making cute funny faces and making me watch scary movies against my will. It's been not even a full day and I miss all these things. I miss him telling me he misses me already, 5 min out side of his door. I miss him brushing my hair out of my face, then attacking me with a wild un-expected kiss.
I guess this is how it was supposed to be. I feel lonely, and have for a little bit now. I need somebody to be drunk with me, love me unconditionally, insanely, fully, and madly. I want somebody to miss me and still give me my space. I need somebody. I'm already lonely. I keep trying to fill in my time already. Make little tasks and do stuff...OMG! I just realized...I lost my job and my boyfriend. Fuuuuck me!

Being out of work gives you time....

Well on my vacation I've learned....

the first 7 letters of the sign language alphabet

Most of the entire Numa Numa song

There are approximately 9 different kinds of law in orders and csi's

Cheers is always welcoming

By bedroom can double as a fall out shelter

and last but not least...It's really hard to not spend money when you have it and want to save it, but it comes really easy when you don't have any at all!

Im such a photographer, it's lame haha

......that's my " Hmmm, where am I gunna get my next paycheck...." face!

Not so sleepy

Why can't I sleep? It's been three nights since I've been able to sleep and even then it was only after I gave in to taking medicine. My head slowly lowers to the cold sheets and I can feel my skin beginning to relax and in that same moment, a gate of emotions open and flood my peace. It a mix of what if's and remember when's. What if I worked harder? Am I destine to become hateful and sloth like with everything I attempt? Wow, I remember when I got to hang out with people out of work, I felt so different from where I had been...I wonder if my new job will be like that. I think about how screwed I am because it took me three years to become comfortable where I was, how am I ever going to find happiness somewhere else? And then I start to think about the boy; how long before this is gone? Where has being giddy gone? Why am I worried? Why aren't I worried? Why does everybody hate my decisions? What happened to my friends? What happen to my happiness? What happened to my sleep?

Being truly poor

So many things are climbing though my mind lately. Maybe it's just exposure to too much TV. Considering I no longer have a job at Target, I am left to vegge out in depression in front of Oprah and Dr. Phil, every other day I turn my shows to law and order then Back to Oprah.
Today Oprah is discussing the " invisible poor". She's walking through houses of people who have no running water, or have completely amazing living conditions. What gets me is...Oprah, people of her such standard, give all these " Amazing gifts" we all heard about the cars she gave her audience, what about the beauty makeovers, the new room makeovers, all of this, it must of cost an arm and a leg...But then she can walk through the houses of the people she's calling the " real victim's" and do nothing for them. If we took one day off, one day from special shows, special gifts, took every thing we put into " Making us" better, and put it into helping people who have to sell their blood to make a living, then maybe we would be a lot better off.
On that same note, I want to move out of Santa Rosa. I want to be able to provide for myself, and work towards doing what I really want to do. Sometimes, I realize what a photo can mean to the realization of at least one person. I see things so differently then some people. I don't know how that happened, but it makes me want to help others see what I see when I see children living on the side of the streets.

Depression vs. Boredom

5 Things to be depressed about:
1. Not having a job
2. Feeling sick as a dog
3. Being In debt
4. Having a huge phone bill
5. Friends that aren't

5 Things to Be happy about:
1. The smell of books
2. The Drew Cary show
3. Boyfriends
4. Raiding the refrigerator
5. Marching Bands

Why can't I find somebody like me? Not somebody to date, or something like that, but just somebody to hang out with and know. I miss being able to have somebody to say " Blah blah blah...you know?" and them actualy being able to say " YEAH!".
Why am I fighting with Robert about internet connections? That's lame

LAME

I almost just started something very disruptive. What was lacking was a huge chunk of stable facts. I'm INSANE! Ok? I did something so stupid! It serves me right! At least I found my facts before I went crazy on this person! Dear god! That would of been embarrassing!
....I'm still bothered about work!

Going Home

I'm on my way home. This is the last day of a looong weekend! After New York, Burlington, And Canada, this trip has been productive to say the least. I fell in love with Canada! I want to move there or visit for longer next trip. What else I love now, is back east! This as being opposed to West Coast where my hometown Santa Rosa is. The city, the people, the smells, it's NOTHING like California. 11pm? There's something to do, 9am? Sure there's something open! Where do we eat tonight? Well there's only 50,000 places to go. Haha, not really that dramatic, but you get the idea!

I want

I want a new start.

Burlington

I made it alive!
It's Beautiful! I LOVE it. The city of Burlington is mainly comprised of College students from The College of Vermont. I want to move out here! I miss Santa Rosa...but this is so far an awsome vacation! We went to lunch at this cute little place out in the " Heart" of the city. What keeps tripping me out is that things here are like a small town in California, but this is considered HUGE. Everybody is really nice and friendly, and something else I'm still getting use to...You don't have to lock your doors here! You could leave your house unlocked and come back at 2am and have no worries...That's nice.

New Yooooorrrrrkkkk!

New york baby! I made the flight from Oakland, California to New York's JFK. Im star struck! The empire state building, the hudson, the people, the places, I love it....all up to the point where airport security stole my $50 zippo lighter and then all the rest of our lighters. Understandable...but it still sucks! Our next flight is leaving shortly, then it's off to Vermont!

You Know it!

001. Name: Collette Howell
002. Your Nick Names: Collette, Co-co, Nikki, Nicole, Nik, Nikoli
003. Single or taken: taken
004. Place of Birth: Santa Rosa, California
005. Zodiac Sign: aries
006. Male or Female: female
007. Your last name: Howell
008. School: College
009. Occupation: Photo Lab Supervisor
010. Residence: Santa Rosa, California
011. Screen Name: str141


__Your Appearance___

012. Hair Color: brown
013. Hair Long or Short: Long
014. Eye Color: Hazel
015. How do ur nails look: like nails..
016. Height: 5'11.5
017. Do you have a crush on someone: some guy named robby ;)
018. Do you like yourself: yep
019. Braces?: nope
020. Think your hott?: I'm hot to who it matters
021. Piercing: 3 normal ear holes, than 1 top ear piercing
022. Tattoo: 0
023. Righty or Lefty: Leafty

___Your 'Firsts'___

024. First Kiss: 10ish, and his name was Ryan Wisnesky
025. First TIME: the big v!
026. First best friend(s): Lexi Johnson
027. First Award: " Best Goal keeper"
028. First Sport You Joined: Soccer
029. First pet: Hammy the hampster
030. First vacation: Eureka California
031. First Concert: No Doubt
032. First Love: Love?

___ Favorites___

033. Movie: all of em, I'm addicted!
034. TV Show: roseanne.
035. Color: purple, cream, and black
036. Bands: Red Hot Chili Peppers
037. Song: Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson
038. Food: Mexican!
039. Drink: Dr. pepper
040. Candy: gummi worms
041. Sport To Play: basket ball
043. Brand Of Clothing: old navy
045. School: School of do nothing all day
046. Animal: giraffe
047. Books: ALL of em!
048. Magazines: Etne


___Currently___

049. Eating: nothing
050. Drinking: Mt. Dew Code Red
051. Mood: Sleepy
052. Online?: yea
053. Listening to: Nothing
054. Thinking About: Life
055. Wanting To: Leave on vacation
056. Watching: Shamelessly watching the Disney Channel
057. Wearing: Dark Jeans and A gray jacket

___Your Future___

058. Want Kids?: When I was younger, I would of said no...but now im thinking i prolly will...If it becomes possible
059. Want to Get Married?: Do I believe in marriage? I do like the American idea of a wedding though!
060. Careers in Mind: Photography or Psychology

__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___

067. Cute or Sexy: if you are one, your the other
068. Lips or Eyes: Eyes
069. Hugs or Kisses: a huge hug that ends in a great kiss
070. Short or Tall: doesn't matter
071. Easygoing or serious: a good balance of both
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: a spontaneous romantic
073. Fatty or Skinny: doesn't matter
074. Sensitive or Loud: sensitive
075. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship
076. Sweet or Caring: I would prefer both
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant one: hesitant one

___Have You Ever___

078. Kissed a Stranger: No
079. Drank Bubbles: lol, yeah
080. Lost glasses/contacts: No
081. Ran Away From Home: no
082. Broken a Bone: None.
083. Got an X-ray: yes
084. Broken someone's Heart: No
085. Broke Up With Someone: yeah
086. Turned Someone Down: yeah
087. Cried When Someone Died: Yea
088. Cried At School: yea


___Do You Believe In___

089. God: a god, yes
090. Miracles: yeah
091. Love At First Sight: no
092. Ghosts: It would be cool!
093. Aliens: yes...But not the weird looking green ones..But ppl or whatever in different galaxies..yeah.
095. Heaven: sort of
096. Hell: sort of
098. Kissing on The First Date: yeah
099. Horoscopes: Do you ever notice how nothing bad ever happens in a horoscope? Maybe we read them because we hope it would all go like that. That and...how typical is the stuff they put in there!

___Answer Truthfully___

100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have? If i can't have them then I don't want them.

Poker

Ewwww, x-files is being gross right now. What else to watch at 5am? I really wish I had some sleep to note for this night. Alas, there has been no sleep for me. Damn poker night! I think I'm hooked after one game, LOL

The life as now

I don't feel like myself. Is it that I have been moving into a different part of my life...Or that I'm just different in ways unknown to me? I don't know, all I can think about at this point is relaxing in Vermont in a week from now. I don't necessarily like getting away from everything, but sometimes I just enjoy leaving to get a new perspective.

Lame me

I realized today something about who I am. I turn the Channel when the news gets to sad, I hide the paper when I don't want to read about people without homes, and I turn the page to the article on Google rather than read about the people looting the streets. Isn't it nice to be able to turn other's horrible tragedy on and off at a whim whilst they fully live a night waking horror?

I got in a huge fight with a really good friend at work today. It started innocent enough, something or another about them not checking in on another friend. And somehow, I got really really upset that they had not been worried about this other friend, who was really effected by everything going on. Granted this wasnt the first fight like such, but not with these people. I'm ashamed to not fight, and I am too fight. It's there own life's and they own what they get to do and what they don't get to do. If they aren't caring and compassionate than that's their shit, if I don't want them to get into my life, than I guess I can't get into theirs. You can't MAKE a person care. I wish they would. I wish people would stop thinking about themselves and start to care of one another.

Two weeks ago I called a very very good friend, an " Insensitive ass hole". I'm sorry for doing that...even if I still think It's true. I shouldn't of said that. Wooops! Where did all this anger come from? Like I've been telling everybody for the entire week: VACATION! I'M GOING ON A TRIP!

Blasted

My week was pretty short. I went to a going away party for a friend of mine that is going away to London for four months. It was fun...For most part. I straightened my hair for the occasion. I got SMASHED. LOL, it was fun! Robert and I haven't gotten to spend a whole lot of time together, and that sucks, but at least I have gotten a lot of work in. My lab is slowly coming together. The only thing still lacking is my team! I hope it all comes together before my trip! Which is in a week! Hello Canada! It's going to be a blast...I hope!

Hello Vacation!

I'm going to Vermont in two weeks! Hello relaxing vacation time! Loveeeee it! But...I'll be leaving Robert and my lab! That's gunna suck!

Sleepy

I'm thinking about a nap! Shouldn't but its really very tempting at this point!
I got my research paper topic today, something very lame if you know me at all... " Your pregnant, and decide to raise the child on your own, your life situation is still the same as it is now, what do you do?" Ick, being 2o and pregnant has so been done already in my life. My sisters paved that pathway a loooong time ago. Their where some very interesting topics on that list that I would of been very interested in researching, but I guess this is my Damn lot in life. And yes that's funny because that's the actual title the professor has given this research paper " Your damn lot in life". Referring to the fact that life is like a deck of cards, you can't waste time bitching about what your where dealt, take it and make the best of it! At least I'll learn something there!

Donate blood!

It's making me sick to watch the news anymore. I keep thinking of what it means to loose everything, everybody, what it would feel like to not have a home, or to know where to go. I want to help soo much, but other than donating blood, I'm about a dollar short and a day late. I urge everybody who can to donate at this time, it's easy and fast. If your scared of needles...Than get over it, because there are a lot bigger things, as we have seen, to be afraid of! My boyfriend graduated University of New Orleans, and all I keep thinking about is that he could of been there. He could of been in his apartment, the one where he points out is now covered up to the roof. It scares me even more that there are those who at this point are helpless because of this countries ideas on money and positions. One thing I'm somewhat proud of is that Target, the company I call my own, is donating 1.5 million dollars *(OMG, they are nice and all, but they could do a lot better! Our store brought in that much in two weeks!) And along with money they are donating land and supplies. I'm somewhat proud to work for a company that is assisting in doing something.

Sleeping?

Still awake! Still not tired! Still Want to sleep! Still not sleepy!

I'm snotty

It's 3am and I'm still awake. I've cleaned a little, caught up on my reading, and painted my nails. I even shopped a little in anticipation for my fat paycheck! I worked one 18 hour day and one 11 hour day making for a 52 hour work week and a 92 hour paycheck. These hours are a little wild for me, maybe that's what is making me feel a little off. Is it worth it? I'm back in school and getting pretty settled into my department so far.
I keep thinking to all that I need to get done tomorrow but all that I really want to do is get some dinner, and go to the movies and spent the rest of the night sitting on my ass! Sounds like a plan huh?
I got told by a guest today that I was a " retarded little girl with no idea as to what politeness was" and than she continued to tell me that my supervisor should know about how rude I was and she asked for the supervisor of the photo lab...This is when I smiled " politely" and cocked my head to the side and shook her hand and said " Hi, I'm collette, the supervisor, how can I help you?" She just walked away! Hahahahahaha, that's fucking awful I know, but I couldn't help it! The excutive next to me just laughed and told me I handled it very well. Aww, the High life I live!

pictures

Robert Mouse

Kaden and Me, my newest nephew

Tired

It's hot outside! And I am soo very very tired! I'm ready to pass out from working to much. I worked 18 hours on Thursday and 11 on Friday than that makes about 50 hours or so than im going in today. Damn me agreeing to do things for people!

Luck!

My room has gotten to a sick amount of Dirty! I'm crawling over mountains of clothing or other things, Maybe....I should clean a little!? Whatever!

I was thinking today about the things that have been installed in me from my childhood. Tbings like cleaning, thinking, feelings. It really made an impact on me when I realized that most people DON'T have a floor covering of Target shirts and jean jackets. When did my world turn from natural habits to that of a hermit? What I think plays a large role is that I clean at work all day, than by the time I finely make it home, all I can think of is slacking off. I don't want to come home and clean up after myself. The only thing stopping me ( Besides money LOL) from hiring a maid is that I feel to bad for making somebody else work because that's I'll I do..Clean up after other lazy people. I'm done though, I need to pick up my own slack, maybe it will prepare me better for that time when I actually might have to share my space with somebody else.

Tomorrow I have an early meeting at work but my plans start earlier than that! I want to get there so I can make sure I start stuff up right in the Lab because tomorrow we will be open for the first time to the public and I already have tons of work to do because of our training week in which we accepted film from team members for free and we got blasted with tons of requests! Aww well, time for some cleaning! Wish me luck!

Out of Out

Back to school bitches! It's that time of the year where college students alike all jam into that tiny campus parking lot, some smoking, some drinking, all gathered with one common dream in mind..." This is my way out" When do I find my way out...Of my way out?

He was sleeping with a smile...

I can't sleep. Maybe it's because school starts tomorrow...Is it lame to admit I'm nervous about going back? Lol, I've " started" school so many times, I should be used to it! What I'll never get used to is the Idea that I'm actually making something of myself. I seen some kids from my Graduating class today. They where applying for jobs at my store...I looked at their applications, ( Because I can!) And I realized....These where some of the smartest kids I know in School. They where the people you envied because they where the smart kids that could still balance being cool and good grades and here I am, Looking at their application, thinking of how I'm making 2x what they are and how in some cosmic evil kinda way, it's only fair! Ah well, I have my plans for tomorrow to make things easier. First I actually have to stop by work and work for like two hours. That's where ( Because they are now in store!) I will pick up my starbucks and make my way to Class. Than after that nice hour.5 I will go BACK to work and be there until 8.

I really really wish I could sleep! I originally feel asleep at the boys house. He was passed out and was talking up a storm...I do believe he was having quite a good dream by the way! Anyways, I feel asleep there, than for some reason I woke up around 2 and couldn't go back to sleep. OH! Maybe it has something to do with him making me watch E.T. which is my all time scariest movie! We rented it with him thinking he'll help me conquer my fears...I think he just enjoys making fun of me, He pointed it out to not only people from work, but than the guy at the movie rental place! Lol, aww, that's why I like him though. So we make it half way through that, both him and I half passing out, so I didn't even have to make it to the scary ass ending part!
HA! He said I had to watch it...He never said ALL of it! ;) So I get up around 2:30am, thinking I might as well come home to a) Beat my dad who gets home at 3 and thus avoiding any and all awkward times of me walking in at 3am well he sits in the livingroom watching sports TV. And b) Maybe my own bed will aid in putting me to sleep. Oh how fucking wrong I was! I think the trip from his place to my own woke me up even more than wanted and now I am irreversibly Awake! Hmmm, starbucks does open...Now!

Running away from friends

This bored again, this time of the evening when I take the time to reflect back on my sad sad existence as a lonely retail supervisor. LOL for sure, joking only 75%. There are about a million things that I need to take care of right now, instead, I'm sitting here in my penguin pj pants looking at lame pictures of myself and watching somewhat interesting documentaries...LOL. I need a life for sure!

The Grizzley

I like to call it the roller coaster. I never did like roller coasters, everybody knows that about me. So...Why am I here, getting pulled is twists and loops, my head one way, my stomach another? Where's the emergency stop switch? And who's going to hit it for me?

Frisco!

I don't usually sleep so well, but last night was an exception. As soon as my face hit the pillow I was G-O-N-E. Robert and I spent the day in San Francisco. We strolled down the piers and shopped a little. My favorite part of The City is the people. It always feels like there's somebody even newer than you are. Languages I don't recognize and outfits from far away. Everybody is watching everybody else and it seems amazing for how much others paint the world as a heartless place, that they all seem to work together in a quiet mob of shopping madness. LOL

here's Robert waiting for the boat, you don't even want to see my pictures! Can we say sun burn?

It doesn't even Look Like me anymore!

The Haircut did it to me

Everything isn't that normal cut and dry as I like it. You ever repeat something your not sure of to another person, in hopes they will say what you really want them to say back to you? " This really looks bad hugh?" you want them to say " No!" you want them to shout no. You want them to grab you and make you believe that it's perfect and not to change a thing, but they don't. They agree. This all should make me more happy in the idea that I am human and I know my own short comings, but sometimes I still fall short of saying what I truly want. How much do we loose by saying what we don't want to say? By saying what we shouldn't say? Saying what we want to say? By saying what we should of said last week? Yesterday? Last Year? Another retarded question I already know the answer to, that I just had to ask for...Never mind...

So I have been In Napa all week, training for photo lab. It's about an hour drive and most of it is through vineyards. Whilst I'm almost immune to seeing them anymore, I never realized what it would be like to not have them blanketed around you at all times. They just have always kinda been there since I was a kid...Leaving California would be weird...But I wonder what is the staple in other States, What is to Ohio as vineyards are to California?





Me in all my plainness. I'm soo fucking sick as of now. This is right before I went to the doctors, in which they said " It could be the flu...But it could be something else!!!" So after a couple tests and some labs, I might be as good as new! LOL. I had to leave work early because I kept throwing up, It wasn't pretty at all. They weren't going to let me leave at first, So when I know I was going to throw up again, I did it in the bathrooms next to their office and maybe I tossed a little bit more hacking than was necessary in there for effect. Sure enough, I got out of there!




And who knows what's going on with my phone, because this picture is very...back & white/ Color. Cool, but not normal.



...................Yes, So that concludes my cam whoring Of this evening. Im sick, and bored off my ass. I can't sit in bed for much longer!

I want a slurpie!

Maybe If I wasn't sooo sick, it would effect me a little more. A little short lived, but other than that it was ok. I do however think I enjoy being single a little more than being coupled. Owing feelings and responsibilities to other people just doesn't feel right. LOL, Single forever, LOVE IT!

Are you this bored?

Not only did I take these Pictures, but I also Developed them myself! Lol

They say we are a cute couple, LOL

Oh Hedge! No No No! Do you really believe my stubborn, rude, crude ass would let one lame comment stop me? Never! LOL

Indeed I have been on Hiatus. Work, Has been cool. I am changing jobs once again. This time I will be taking over my own department. Target has recently bought out and updated all of their stores " Photo Labs" and I was asked to assist in running our stores. You know me, I'm more than excited! So Between training and hiring the team, work has been a little wild.

Other than that...haha, I found myself a nice boy to help occupy my time with. Don't hurt yourself gasping in shock! At least that's everybody's reaction so far. It's ok, He's cute and people will get over it! Next Wednesday we will have been going out for a month. Haha, WILD!

Goodness

It's ok to know somebody is completely insane and be proud to know you are ahead of the game, that feels good.

Excuses to the Handbook

What is it that makes us truly scared? Is is conditioning or is it natural instinct? In a not so recent article of Psychology Today, there was an article about how the closest thing to being a victim of a violent crime, is serving as juror on the Trial. When you have your friends, your true confidants, you are leaving them with your experiences, your life, a thumb print of your own trial's. We live life like there isn't this " handbook" as to how to live. You find people you trust, the people you admire, and you learn from what they have. I have lost a lot of time figuring out what I would have known had I actually listened. So with experience, or instinct, there isn't much of an excuse for how I've been living...

Check it

Halurious! It was the "Healthsome Exercise #1" that got to me

Is the smoke getting to people?

Today I snapped, when the sales floor person yelled at me about the printer announcement that goes over the walkies " Registry kiosk paper jam, GSTL please respond". Well that announcement will go off until I fix it, and sometimes, if I'm busy, or it's being difficult, it wont get turned off for a while, so when he came up to TELL me to fix it, I told him to " GO FIX IT YOURSELF!" Than when the cashier came up refusing to do anything I asked him to do, and kept telling me he wanted to go home, I told him to just " GO HOME! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE IF YOUR GOING TO COMPLAIN THE ENTIRE TIME!" And when he told me he didn't want to, I told him to go do something else and he moaned so I told him he didn't have to do anything, I told him to stand right where he was and he didn't have to do anything. I made him stand there in that excite spot for 10 good minutes. Funny...Maybe not, but hilarious to me. Did he do what I asked after that? You better bet he did! I'm going to get fired soon. I know I am, I have " Insider knowledge" but that's ANOTHER story...

Producer

If I where to make a movie, it would STAR Wil Wheaten, Not only is he just the most adorable hopeless geek, but he's a great actor, I just don't understand people and why he doesn't get more starring roles. Whatever, maybe that's why I'm not a producer.

Moto

Totally bored. Totally wanting to be somewhat productive...Maybe not. It's a toss up between, Roseanne re-runs, Stargate, Star track, or blasting the radio to prove to all those interested, I am not thee best singer just in case they where curious! Whatcha think....?....

For Sale

can I trade for a new life? I've over lived this one. It's broken in, long lived, and a fixer upper...free?

Shopping Alert

New Shoes! Love em!

Bored

Why do I write so honestly here? Maybe it's because I sometimes realize that I can write what I can not say. In that same realization, I understand that sometimes, things are better just not said.
With that said, I'm going to throw caution to wind and become a alone standing being once more. What is it? Can I just spit it out already? Friends. Who are they and where did I not get any? No, that's not it. It's just that lately, I've been feeling...Alone. Being the person people want to talk to sometimes is a great honor...But what if I need somebody to talk to? There's nobody. Nobody asks how I'm doing, asks me questions, probes me for my life, and that's good for the most part because I hate people to wait through my sorted life mistakes, but I find myself hopelessly excited about something with nobody to run and tell anymore. BF used to be that person, but she's never there anymore. Every waking moment is spent talking about her boy and whenever she isn't with him, it's spent talking about him, how he's pissed her off, or the cute things he does. I hate it. I HATE it. When did I go from a friend to a wall? I'm no longer there to talk to, I'm there to talk at. It hurts not to be able to chat with friends, people take that for granted. I don't know what to do, I'm tired and lazy, do I even want to do anything about it? Ahh, ah well.

Closing

I don't want to go to work. Don't want to stay here. I want to go to the beach! Yeah! That sounds awsome! Goin out to the beach and relaxing with a good book and my camara. I'm supposed to be starting my vacation tomorrow. Damn me and being so flippen nice! I wish I didn't volenteer to work the extra day. Ah well. Hopefully my medicine will work out to where I stop being so sick so I can actualy enjoy my week off.

Boats of Coffee

I need to get tired! If I work late in the day, than have to go to work early the next day...It's always me watching the insomniac theater at 2am. It's ok, because it's giving me an excuse to get coffee! Oh how I love my coffee! Which I believe I will be getting a massive tub of tomorrow If I don't get into bed soon. Ah well, What else is there to do tomorrow but work and eat. It's all over rated. Is that sad that I've started to think like that? There's no real point anymore. All I worry about is not screwing myself over for the time later in life when things might actually be worth working for. I'm to easily frazzled. I need to work on that.

Don't let me get this bored again!

Because I do things like turn this...



Into This...

Marathon of Change

What is it that drives people to want to be beautiful? What's wrong with being superficial? What's wrong with not being superficial? I wanted so much to be that sought after thing, all the while, never realizing, that's what everybody wants. There are the chasers and the chased all the while the entire point is to not end up alone at the end of the game. Is there such as a thing not playing?

True

Im sitting here eating some of the best pie ever! Black Tie, from Olive garden. It's a wonderful break from my stressing over money and my cell. I need to clean my room and we can add my car to that list too. However, still hopefull over my days off. Tomorrow I will be babysitting for a friend and that's always fun because it's a nice few hours to relax, watch movies, and play with my laptop. I need to get my shit clean around here, there is such a mess around me right now. Maybe Before and After pictures are in order...I wish my cell phone was working! I really really wish it was. I need to call, I placed a claim on my insurence on it, but they still havent contacted me. Whatever, maybe i'll just buy a new one.

Deleter

I start to write, than I delete, I write, than delete, more could be read into this, but it's impossible for me to grip that meaning with letting it all go before that. I have endless opportunities to be who I want to be, but I seem to choose the same one day after day. I need a vacation! I need an adventure out of the normal. I want to lay out in the sun, drink margarita's, shop in ritzy stores, and go dancing in the heat of the night. I have a plan...If I loose some weight, I will treat myself. I will treat myself to a fruitful vacation. Hawaii! I will loose the weight by not eating out and the money I will save from not eating out, I will use to go to Hawaii. I need to do something! I need to make my life better. No more awful, awkward days at work where all I want to do is either die or get robbed because that at least might make the day better...I have this odd budding sense to become somewhat fruitful in my makings.

Why am I so Negative?

I need to learn how not to spend all of my money! I'm once again poor. I hate it.

Get over it!

It's about being too young to be happy. Everywhere I turn, people are ready to pull my life out from under me. Age hasn't meant that much to me but it should, because it means a lot to other people. I was lucky to grow up with my older sister. I was never to young to understand and even if I was, she would never say that to me. Experiences are a gift of time and lessons are how we make good use of this time. Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot only because I've lived half a life, laugh at me because I have lived the life I had, and never took advise by listening to those whom have learned before me. Re-learn your true issues and get back to me! Ok?

My way of saving $3.50

Im tired of magazines. They are great if your looking for a perfect haircut, or maybe when you where 13 and you needed some prom tips on makeup but now, all I see when I look at them is people with nothing better to do with there time. It's always a very nice looking person on the cover, perfect hair, perfect teeth, nice cloths, nice hair, airbrushed over most of the time...Than there are the headlines, " You can be perfect if you...." or " Your almost perfect but..." Than always there's that retarded " Loose 20 pounds by eating cake cake and cake!!!" so your not good not good, and than BAM! We can make you good! Buy me!" Whatever!

Your momma!

Things where just easier as children. You where never afraid to yell, there was only one bully, and everybody hated him, so you where safe if you decided to take arms against him. If and when you did do this, " talk to the hand" is a threatening offense, and if you where ever really scared, all you would have to do is threaten " I'm going to tell!" as all the eyes of the little kids eyes spark! " OH MY GOD!"

I want to live again

In his last words...

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

Im leaving the spelling how it originally was!

I'm just reminiscing from an old blog what I have done over the past couple years


June 6, 2002
What is included on this fat list? One major obvious thing is to get
a job. I went to target and filled out an extremely long electronic application.im not a real big fan of big stores or target for that fact. But the mother has been really getting on me about my employment status. I do want some extra cash for fun. What Im really worried about is Getting cash for my extra time and not having any extra time to use it

June 11,2002...
The happiness is growing in me. Heehee....I got the job at Target!!! eeek! incredibly happy right now. Income is nice and just the factIthat i lived through the interview was gThet. the guy that interview me was young and hella funny. It made me muchcomfortablertable. THANK U GUY! He started off by asking me just to talk ovquestionsstionsIthat answeredwsered on my application and then asked medifferentffrent ones. "Tell me when a time you had to cyour youre secdule to nmake room for youre past job" Heehee, One of my more memorable days working at the theatre happend to be the day i was called in on a day i had requsted off to have me stand in the middle of the lobby for 6 hours telling or warning guests that the floor was slippery. I told him that and he found it very funny and pointed out that i WAS getting paid to do it. (somthing that i had laughed about before) He tells me that I needed to get a pee test done and then they would call me in on monday for orentation. I am guessing that means if i pass the test i got the job. He told me that my secdule was workable and i would be put as a cahsier. After i told him that i preferred working with the guest because i really enjoy helping people he wrote somthing on my paper and smiled hevely and muttered "good, great, i like that" So i dont know when i start but assuming that i pass my piss test...which i will, i will probley get going by monday.

June 20, 2002
I need to go now, this is me
realizing that its 11:35 and tomorrow is the first day of work at 10:00 in the morning.
Night.

December 1, 2003
People do some odd things to their receipts! Their are two kinds of shoppers. Those who never keep their receipts, they have no clue where they go, and in their mind, we never gave them it. And than there are the keepers. The people who will keep EVERY single kind of receipt they ever get. This includes, but is not limited to: Gas receipts, store, ATM receipts, ect, ect...blah, blah blah! There was this guest who came into the store today; she was returning a pair of shoes and some underwear. She couldn't find her receipt. She pulled out a stack of crumpled, folded and jammed slips about (no lie) 4 inches high. I almost shat myself. She muttered that I was " Fucking rediculis!" because I wouldn't return her items without a receipt. So to get back at me, she went through the stack, as slow as possible. She would look at every second one and proclaims " I have a good feeling about this one!" Than learn it wasn't it and move on. This went on for about 10 minutes. I was watching the clock out of pure boredom! Come on people, just keep your receipts! And if you decide that you don't like the Target return policy, yell at the corporation, not me! I don't run the store! For god sake, what kind of power do you think I have!


January 3, 2004
So what's new...hmm, let's see, I started a new diet. What else...Oh, I went to the doctors, turns out what my mom is calling carpul tunnel, is actually tendonitce. Something she says is because of My cashering. Wouldn't be to sad to see that part of my job go! Even though I don't cashier at all now. It's more like " Collette, come pretend your a supervisor" And it's not that I don't want to do it, but, I would LOVE a raise! I would LOVE it, ha, especially since I just bought a car! Ha, forgot that part! I bought a car last night! Pretty nice in general, I'm really happy with it. Now I can drive all over the place and stock whomever I need, or who ever Rosa may need for that matter!

Augest 8, 2004
Haha, I haven't posted in a real long time. It feels like I've been at work for the entire week. I might as well start to camp there seeing as I never get to stay home as often as I used to. I'm setteling well into my new position (Clareical, aka,a desk job). I get to go out of the store for official training next week and am very excited about that. All in all...Nothing new as of yet.

October 5, 2004
Today was supposed to be the first day I was to be in the New Napa Store training for my new position ( Guest Service Team Leader, aka superviser). As I believe I had said before the Napa Store is new...Not like only been open for a few weeks...But as in...Opens tomorrow. So I drove my ass all the way down there only to be told to come back tomorrow. Napa from here is what makes out to be 1.5hr drive. That just pissed me off. How can the executives of such a large store not have their shit together? Oh yeah...Easy, It's Target. I forgot.
Haha, I just realized...One day the store will stumble upon this and fire my ass because I am what they would call a liar, and what I would call truthfully. We shall see.

Getting bored of life

I am to my team as my boss is to me. I'm strict as hell and sometimes use rudeness out of fear to protect my own interests. Why I am so protective of what people think of me is oblivious to me. I keep remembering back to how much I wanted this job and how much I was sure I wasn't going to turn out like the others that had gone before me. I have, I've turned out just the same if not worse and the only difference is that I don't know how to fix it. I had a huge argument with my boss yesterday and it ended up with him throwing a stack of papers announcing " I've worked in retail for 30 years Collette!". I want everything to be ok. I want to go to work and my team to say hi, people to ask me to go hang out with them, people to not talk behind my back, whisper around the corner, maybe im offensive because of this talk, or maybe the talk is because I am offensive to begin with. I love where i work and the people are awesome at times, but damn me to hell, I try to do my job and I try to do it well, but it feels like they wont let me do that without me being a overly strict bitch. I'm done letting people walk over me, that's how I spent my first two years at target and im not going to let that happen again. I'm over being hurt by other people and even more so by myself. In the beginning it was a good idea to take this much on because I wanted the money, but I'm 20, living at home, I have all the nice stuff, pretty and expensive things, but is it a sacrifice I want to continue to make at the cost of my self Confidence? Or am I just over thinking things? I need a vacation, No....I need a hobby!

What are you up to collette? " Ughhhh......"

Oh the things I do with the wireless internet and a laptop. It's the best Invention since the laptop!

I'm ready

I'm Tired and I have to go to work soon. However, not before I get coffee! Ok Bitches, I'll see you later. PS, Remember that downloading 100 illegal songs is not the best way to spend your night. Not that that's what I was doing or anything...Pss, Ipods ROCK!

Cosmic Understanding

What is it that makes love work? Is love on it's own mean that it's working? Or is the idea of Love having to work barbaric? Ideally in my eyes it's what happens regardless of what you want and what you do. Surrounded by those who " Make it work" It makes me wonder sometimes. The truly unhappy at life seem to be the most desperate and when it comes to love...They are never short of " happy" because they MAKE it work. Is there such a thing as making yourself happy? If indeed you can make yourself happy than what is it to say for faith and blind love? Am I in love you might ask; well your answer is no. But I'm never one to leave what I see around me alone and take it at face results because for what I don't experience myself...I would like to say I've at least understood how they came about to be where they are. The couple that's been together for years and has split...When you know they both are better off alone or with somebody else, they are there, together, giving the " What if" idea a run around. Or the Married two with the family and the life that they just don't seem to be happy with, but they are doing the motions and they seem to be ok with that. Why is that not enough for me? Will I have to settle? I hope not, because it hurts to even see these people do it. I need a life of my own, maybe life's questions will come together in some cosmic understanding and I will be able to leave other people's life's alone and experience it for my own....Yeah, maybe.

The Rosa Series

Names have been changed for my protection

Str141: hi
madman: howdy
Str141: im sorry about how ive been acting lately
Str141: ive been a little thrown off by stuff
madman: is everything okay?
Str141: yeah, im just really not feeling like myself and things are getting wired all around, so ive been a little to sensitive to that and I just was saying sorry, I felt kind of bad ( ashamed) for acting so fucking odd/stupid on Saturday
madman: it is okay.....I understand
madman: can I help you with anything?
Str141: hahaha, no thank you
Str141: hahahahahahahahaha

( As a side note, " Can I help you find something" is a pilot " Key Phrase" Target is trying in The San Francisco area, Ie. My store. I don't know if he meant it like that, but it's all my over worked ass could think of)

Madman: how are things going wild?
Madman: at home? At work?
Str141: 2/2
Madman: oh
Str141: XXXXXX started doing meth again
Madman: oh no
Madman: why?
Str141: and a crazy women and her two kids are moving back in
Str141: Because she can
Madman: why are they moving back in?
Str141: she was going to call me sat to ask me to come do it wither her
Madman: oh shit
Str141: Because her no job having ass got evicted

What's beautiful to me

What's beautiful to me...Ask me earlier today, and I would of said nothing. It's the feeling where I can feel everything and notice all that lives around me and I want to just get away from everybody because they disgusted me. I work with the general public and it's just that, general. That's not a point in it's self because what most people don't understand is that there is nothing more general than the feeling of hate. We all look at the person yelling and throwing a fit and think," Oh my god! What a fool" but we all have been there and will all go there again. Im in a position as to where I just happen to deal with anger all the time and sometimes I let it get away with me. I'm the bouncing wall for all that pisses you off, however, sometimes, it's not always the about the return. If only yelling would make it all better. It does sometimes, but if the feeling of guilt doesn't get to you than something else will. What's amazing is that there are those moments where your you would like nothing else to do than scream, throw everything down and have it out over the counter with the lady who wants to return the used underwear she used and " didn't like the feel of the crotch" but you realize...What does me yelling at Her do? She's happy right now. Maybe not happy, but not in a horrible tizzy fit. So if I start this, if I begin this cycle, it wont end here. She's going to head out to get groceries and be still wound up from me that she's going to take it out on another person, maybe the bag boy, maybe the lady who cuts in line, but it's going to happen. So in the seconds I have to think about this, I have to decide...What do I REALLY want to do here. When it's the choice of Money...My mind is made up. I would let the $5.50 go rather than begin this game. Where does that leave me? I feel like I'm the wondering vault of other peoples feelings sometimes and when I have nothing else good to do, I sit and realize how un-happy people are and it gets to me. So what does any of this have to do with beauty? There's nothing more beautiful than somebody who shamelessly accepts this idea and lets it go. Every day, behind the guest that is screaming and yelling is another and they, like most are sitting there, thinking " wow, what a bitch". What is beautiful about that person is that they will go out with a new respect for people. They are thinking, if just for a moment, not of just themselves, their worlds, their bills, there children, and such. They go about their life and they will get over it in minutes if not seconds. Ignorance is beautiful to me, because they will go on with there life until they are that screaming person standing in audience with me on their shoulder. The ability to be there, witness humanity at it's most normal moment, is something that I treasure. What is beautiful to me is that I have the ability to stop this right than and there. A feeling of power of any sort is enough to make you feel Godlike, however, I just use it in the end to sort through my own life. I stop it from going to the cashiers, and the cashiers in the other stores and they stop it from coming to me. I live like this in one world like respect for everybody understanding that sometimes, you just have to yell to get it all out. Get it out now, with me, rather than bringing it to your family, your life, your children, your love, your passion. Let me kill it and get it over with now, rather than living with it in the future. Sort of conceded, I know, but that's what I have to live with and they always say, " work with what you got".

Only every day of my life...

Do you ever realize the point you became the person you are now and regret letting that moment happen?

He's Hot

He's Hot,
originally uploaded by Photou.

Rosa and I went to take some " Myspace" pictures and they turned out very well! Here's just a preview! NOTE: Im way to lazy to crop!

laps

Rosa got a laptop! OMG, So now she can not only read my blog, but comment, and I can comment on her blog! Fucks me that's exciting! I really think writing things out will help her. More than she knows, it's really something I take for granite. The ability to trust yourself and let yourself write what is not only true, but on subject, is an ability that most have yet to master ( Including myself). However, when your thinking, nothing is ever on subject and your mind is always spread to thin. When it's on paper though...It all seems to make sense and mean one thing...Your thinking about it. And isn't that all that matters anyways?

mystery

Can I say that it's been ages since Hedge has even commented on this blog? What's up with that! And when do I get another clue as to how you found Collections and Rosa's Blog? It's all still a mystery! I need some excitement in my life!

Until than

Im tired of going to the doctors! No more blood! Ive given more in the past month than I believe your supposed to in a life time. Once to donate, than twice for testing. Ah well, it all goes to finding out what's wrong with me and how I can fix it. It seems, for those interested, that what is wrong wasn't what I suspected at all. Apparently my hormones are a little off and that could of couldn't be caused by some other things. Who knows, and it will take some time to figure out what's going on so I guess I will wait and see.

Not tired any more!

My feet hurt. Prolly because I bought shoes that where to small for me, but they where cute and the only ones in that size! Ah well. They where cheap and I'm over it.
So tomorrow is my " DAY OFF" and I'm looking damn forward to it. I want to go out and go to the beach, maybe bike riding...But it seems I'm all alone in the want to go do something real. When I was younger, it was always me not wanting to go out and do stuff because I was lazy, but now it seems I'm in similar company. Geez people, I just want to do for a bike ride!

Skeezy

I'm a little worried about Oprah. I'm watching her tell this lady that she's fat and that even though she " Feels happy" she's really not. I just lost a lot of faith in Oprah. The women she's talking to is very beautiful, young and not even that over weight. Her husband is a skeez, he's hitting on other women in the gym and asking them if they thought he was cute and than telling them they where cute. I'd sock my husband if that was me.

This is what happens when your old, tired, and alone

this is why I always am in bed

The days

I just pissed of a really good friend of mine. Arguing about work non the less and now they wont even talk to me. I feel like shit. You know how there's always that one person, regardless of what's going on, you always have them? The person that you can depend on? What do you do when they get mad and go away? Well I suppose sitting her crying about it wont fix anything. However, I wish it would because A LOT of stuff would be fixed by now.

Really?

Serious? Hmmm, I'm looking over this entire blog, thinking now, what time I've wasted being this person, when all the while, I could of been somebody else. Does that ever get you? Somebody called me " Serious" today. That hurt, I know it wasn't meant as a cut, or an insult, but it did hurt. Am I really in my head too much? Over thinking things? Relating to much? Do I give that creepy " ODD" kid stare to much? I've grown up around people whom placed 0 interest in the " Thought". Maybe I was just to grown-up for high school, but that's how I felt all through it. How DID I get to be this person? It's odd, because my first thoughts where..." Wow...Why am I so messed up? And when did that happen?" Why should I even go there, I should be able to know I'm not messed up, believe that I'm normal, just different, and why should I still be thinking about it? Hughh, he had me pegged to...Sad "Collette! Why are you so quiet? You'll probably go home and blog this all!"
And so to end this one, I'll leave you with this...
There is nothing greater in life...Than to watch your boss do a victory dance that was like something that resembled a seizure and a YMCA party mix. Ok?

If you have one...

I'm excited! I have a ticket to the giants game tomorrow! How exciting is that! It's with a lot of my co-worker/friends which will be fun. The bad thing is that I have the ticket...But I don't have a ferry ticket! Which I hear is like, impossible to purchase! I'm screwed! I need to get on that damn ferry! Haha, Oh well if I don't because I just figure that I'll at least of tried and who knows maybe somebody is driving up there and will give me a ride. Why don't I drive? Yeah, Me? San Francisco? Hahahahahahahha....hahahahahaha.....hahahahaha.

It hurts still

My arm hurts, tetanus shots are the work of the devil!

Other than that I'm doing better. I got a bought of the flu, however I'm surviving. I went to the doctor and in very doctor terms, the not sleeping, odd sickness, depression, all leads to my " Overly stressfully job". I didn't think about that. Strange enough, I always believed that I could in one way or another leave the fact that I deal with people yelling at me all day behind at work. In some ways I am able to do this...But it still effects me. I need to get another job!
Oh shit, I planned on a bigger blog, but my laptop is dyeing, I shall be back later!

Tired

Maybe it's because of the extreme lack of sleep I'm running on here...But the mood swings will kill me more than the cigarette's will. One minute I'll be doin good...Than something will happen and I'll be on a rampage like non other. And "NO" don't go there, it's NOT that time of the month. I have two hours if I want to get any sleep in and I'm thinking it should happen soon. Well...Almost 1.5 hours.

My Tossed Pony

I always thought it was odd that I notice so much about other people. I look at things like how what they say when they are embarrassed, things in such a way that it seems like I can almost predict what they might do in some instances. Maybe it's the management in me or maybe it's the psychology but what I really am saying is the funny part is that I notice a lot about other people and about 1% about myself. I know some things , like my defense mechanism's such as using humor and being defensive, but I never looked at how my attitude might some how play into how others perceive me. Why? This I might be able to understand a little bit better because I know it's probably because as a younger " Collette" I had such a sense of " Nothingness" that I focused on finding out what made me nothing and everybody else something. I spent so long doing this sometimes it's hard for me to figure out what I need to work on because I shut that part of my brain off. I'm so use to looking at life as if I Whern't here, that I forget that I'm a person too. It's hard for me to realize that sometimes my appearance plays into what people might think about me. I'm not dirty or some odd shape, but lets just say that my hair isn't always done, and my shoes arrant always sparkling, I'm ok with this, and appearance isn't what I base who I think others are, but Just from work alone, people can be cruel about what I choose to wear. However low you might think retail is, you shouldn't be surprised to find those people who are working just to work. They have the couch bags and the CC glasses, they take trips to Japan 3 times a year and they only will eat at restaurants that have silk napkins. I have nothing but the most respect for them, and in most cases they are my good good friends, but they somehow where born with " that gene". The Gene I would like to call the " Because I said so" gene. These are people who will demand what ever they think to be performed and they never happen to see anything wrong with that. Because they have the money to get their nails and hair done once a week, everybody else should. My hair should never be " Tossed" in a pony, maybe I should look into getting it professionaly blown out once a week and than get some highlights and than I should wear it down and around my face...Which needs makeup...Not cheap target makeup either, sophia $50 makeup.

I'm sorry people, I live at home, go to college and work at target, If I HAD the money to do that shit, than I wouldn't be looking like this. Even if I did have that money...Would I be as so vain to spend it on these things? Yeah, I said prolly, but that's besides the point. I'm tired of working with people who talk to me like I'm so nasty and dirty. Tell me everyday how I " Could" be so pretty, how I look sick because..." Well maybe it's your eyes, your not wearing makeup" maybe it's all the times they tell me my shirts are wrinkled. Could I just say...I sit in a class for 3 hours before I get to work and sitting in a desk, not moving, in a jacket...will do that. Maybe they should look in the mirror and realize that they are living a life based on a lie. A lie that says if your not perfect than you will die, un married, un lived and un happy. Either that or I need to become Rich.

Pondering makes me sleepy

Is it wrong to truly wrong to love being alone? I don't just love it, but need it. "Being" with somebody has practically taken on a completely different meaning in my head. I was thinking what it would truly be like to live in the city, and the thought of being around so many people made me rethink my Idea until I realized, there's nothing more lonely than being around lots of people and being truly away and alone. Since I was a child I have always craved that need to be alone. My time to either calm my insane thoughts or to sooth my happiness with a reality pep talk. However, why alone? Are we pre designed to have these built in desires? Alone, together, close but apart, far but together? Is this how different people are? Or is it that we all are puzzle pieces living for the one true fit in which everything will come together and life will be meaningful? The cheesy is always possible.

Because Im not

Tomorrow Rosa, Lexi and I will be going out to the city. San Francisco that is! I couldn't be more excited! I thinkin of waking up early, getting coffee, doing my hair, getting a nice outfit put together, and going shopping. Maybe I've been watching to much " Sex in the City" and for some reason I now want to become this chic, coffee drinking, smart shopping, wise sexy women. Why? Easy...Because I'm not!

When he sings, it's cute...fyi

People keep freaking out over the idea that cell phone and now wireless accessories are all cancer causing. Why however, do people not care? Is it because they simplify life to a level we are willing to risk our health for them? In my case I believe that's the case. I wonder if people are mistaking simplifying for saying we don't have to live as long because we are using less time to run our lives. Are we as a society proving that we don't have the passion to live like the years before us? Sometimes I wonder and I wouldn't be surprised if this came out to be true in some instances.

Jump Drive

I have to say... i have become the ultimite geek. I bought a jump drive for my computer and can I say, it's awsome!

the mundane

I have a huge problem with the mundane. That's probably why I find myself day dreaming most of the time. I'll try to sit through work without thinking about the 100 different ways to rob them blind, but why? Than I would just be bored. This all lends to a bigger problem. All of this day dreaming makes me draw some very crooked lines regarding what is happening and what should happen. People like me end up writing sappy sick soap operas only because I could see how odd things make life interesting at least, in my store they do.

True to me

It's hard when you know something your not supposed to know. Knowing would mean what I know all the time, but would it mean the demise of what has been built? I like having my secretes, does that mean that I like having theirs too?

Really?

Blinded?

Collette: Now 20x better!

It's come and it's passed and what I got out of it? Another year to add to my life. When I was younger I used to have a horrible time sleeping. To aid this I would make these wildly vivid " Day Dreams" if you will about my life than, and how I expected it to be soon after certain ages. 20 was one of those ages I just imagined myself being " happy" and with somebody at a good to okay job, and being in college almost nearing the end. Now...We all know life isn't perfect and things never turn out how we wanted them to, but for the most part...I'm not thaaat disappointed with where I am. Granted, I'm far from " perfectly happy" I'm settling into the idea that I'm not ahead of the goals I have...But not far behind. However, I was reading something that caught my eye yesterday. It was something about a " Life remodel" and how people could go about doing " Amazing" things with there lives with the mere; faith, trust, will, energy, for change. Do I posses these things? Sure...If I really put my mind to it, I could change what I don't like about myself...But could I really change? And than all that begs to ask another question...Am I in fact broken? Or just unconfident with who I already am? With out going into the awful details, I realized today that it's not that I don't posses the ability to flirt and actually have the " want" to be with somebody, but it's the idea that I will actually have to take time to be open, truthfully, and be those things not only to that person...But to myself also. Somehow, I've gotten myself into this post deeper than I first wanted to. I'm tired and I think I'm gunna head off to bed!

Is that ok?

Is it okay to just yell the fact that I will be 20 years old tomorrow and im busting with excitement? Not because of the age, or even the idea of being 21...But because birthday means cupcakes, and cupcakes make me happy inside. Hey, what's a fat girl to do? Ask for presents? Dumbass!

The damned

I miss making beautiful things like this

I need to go get my creative juices flowing, they seem to have been...Damned up lately.

I keep thinking...

It's funny, Life it so simple, so easy, it's right there in front of us, be what you want to be, be happy, do what makes you happy; However, we don't listen. We don't pay attention that it's the day to day drone that makes things worth while. We go through life thinking of everything except the obvious. Look at it this way, art? Theater? Jobs, money, birth death, it's all in part of what makes us happy. Why live a life that does anything other than that? There's a level of numbness that develops when we forget. It's the idea that life has to be something or give us something, when in fact, it would seem that it's up to us to get what we can out of the experiences we get. When you think about all the people whom have passed before us, what is it that is their last thoughts? What do we know of death until we have lived it? I would imagine that it's the last regrets of what I didn't do rather than what I did...

That's the season

Im so full and Soo tired and Soo bored. Happy Easter!

Under where?

Yes, I'm that bored...bored enough to be watching " Underwear: A brief History" actually...It's quite interesting!

Resorting

I've resorted to eating everything in site. I don't know what to do without work. I just sit around in my pajamas all day watching really really lame Sci-Fi movies. I would be dead if it went for my laptop. I just keep tweaking it's settings and changing things. I don't think people understand how long I have wanted this. When I was young, it was a camera. Next it was a laptop, but a car won out over that than the laptop came back. It's not the most perfect one that I wanted but it's nice. Huge screen, no tiny font, wide keyboard, windows XP, DVD/dr-rw all the fancy stuff. The downfall? It's so heavy! I might not be able to heft it around school. I want to bring it to class so I can try out the network on campus but than again, lugging this around isn't that exciting.

It could be you...

I'm bored, I wish somebody was online to chat. Why does it feel so lonely on a place as vast as the internet?

I like it a lot!

Im sitting on my ass and this is what I plan on doing for the rest of my day! Except maybe for when I plan on going to shower...in which will be just me sitting in the tub watching DVD's on my laptop! I'm very happy with my purchase. It may cost me an arm and a leg in the long run, it's a good idea! I can go to school and work on actual work. I've never been a pen and paper kinda gall. O'dear lord, I'm a computer geek. Lol, that's the last thing I need. I'm already the go to gal at work for...Everything computer. My co-workers are the hunt and peck kinda people and they all are amazed how the computer can have a " Firewall" it's apparently " THE MOST AMAZING THING" they have ever seen. I like most am not a full out geek...But I do understand something about computers, like how your not supposed to pound the mouse buttons 300 times to make the " Thingy pop up!" If you wanted to get tricky, I MIGHT understand html which I thought myself out of boredom one weekend. Other than that, im just a normal girl looking for the right color to make her windows look " Cute/manageable" FYI, it's pink and purple for now! I like in my very own sad sad world.

I like it a lot!

Im sitting on my ass and this is what I plan on doing for the rest of my day! Except maybe for when I plan on going to shower...in which will be just me sitting in the tub watching DVD's on my laptop! I'm very happy with my purchase. It may cost me an arm and a leg in the long run, it's a good idea! I can go to school and work on actual work. I've never been a pen and paper kinda gall. O'dear lord, I'm a computer geek. Lol, that's the last thing I need. I'm already the go to gal at work for...Everything computer. My co-workers are the hunt and peck kinda people and they all are amazed how the computer can have a " Firewall" it's apparently " THE MOST AMAZING THING" they have ever seen. I like most am not a full out geek...But I do understand something about computers, like how your not supposed to pound the mouse buttons 300 times to make the " Thingy pop up!" If you wanted to get tricky, I MIGHT understand html which I thought myself out of boredom one weekend. Other than that, im just a normal girl looking for the right color to make her windows look " Cute/manageable" FYI, it's pink and purple for now! I like in my very own sad sad world.

it's new

It's 11pm and I'm still up typing away on my new laptop! Hee Hee, it's so pretty!

A+lone

Can i just say...6 more days untail im 20 years old!! Do you know how odd that sounds to me? Do you understand that I still feel like i'm 16?...wow...20? These things we attach to age! i want to take more pictures. I haven't done that as much as I have wanted to in the past few months. I want beach pictures and people pictures and the pictures where i was just happy to take, not only because I thought people would be happy seeing them..but because i was happy to be there taking them. Sadness is a lonely place. 20 is apparently even more so. I donno, I'm kinda oddly happy being alone. Some people can't understand that. It's a true art, and I really belive, that in order to be with somebody for real, ever, you need to be able to be alone first. It seems whomever you talk to though, i've been single " Too long" whatever that means. Maybe that's just my kinda way of agreeing with them...

Poetry of such can always make it on my blog

A tiny grain of sand will bruise
Your feet and make them bleed.
If you do not shake out your shoes
You'll find you can't proceed.

I tried dear friend to read your verse
But had to stop halfway,
For clumsy words and lines hurt more
Than shoe-sand any day.


Sumedh Prasad

No...Really!

After a long drone day at work I all set to drone out on the computer for a little bit than off to sleep at a somewhat proper time...Yeah, I believed it too. I wasn't lieing about work though. It was in the better words I used this week " Fucks". Used in a sentence that is " This fucks!" Meaning " Fucking Sucks". Can I share a secrete with you? Here's my little minded retail bit:
1. If you yell...Your not only going to get jack shit from me...But im going to kick your ass out of my store. Not only can you not yell at me...But you can't yell at my team, K thanks!
2. Do you think I control much? I have to say, I used to think Making comments or something like them to the management might have some ability to change things in a store...But no, I can not make the stock be there out of thin air and I can't make workers appear where they do not easiest. So coming to me yelling at me about how a store in organ is waaaay better than my store, isn't going to help you! Sorry
3. If I have my coat on, purse with me, drink in my hand...Do you think I'm on the clock? Or even working here?

Why is posting pictures of myself so fun?

I'm so vane, I really think this post is about me...

The counter is stuck at 659

I wanted to drop in and say something...Maybe just for saying something's sake. I hate rambling ( Hmmm) So I'll try to keep this some what important. Yeah....Right!
Can I just say that NetFlix is great? I don't know why I didn't listen to kareem sooner! Pick your movies, they are dropped off at your house watch them, return them and than bam! MORE MOVIES! It's not like a normal movie place because there your not really apt for returning them on time. Here it's like, I WANT to make all the effort to walk to my mailbox and return the movies because I know there will be more movies that I actually want to see coming next instead of wondering around aimlessly in Blockbuster looking for some sign of something worth the $3.50 or whatever it is to rent it. This week? Spider Man 2! Pi: Faith In Chaos! Im excited, because I cleaned my room all up and now it's my little get away where I don't have to do anything do get around and be stressed out about.
Work today slightly got the better of me. I got there all excited because I was in so early and was getting off at 4 and what was even better was that I was working on the front lanes and not in icky food avenue. So when I got up this morning I did my hair, got all dressed up, actually took time to do my makeup and just got " Nice", but when I got there, my Team was nowhere to be found...Okay...Didn't want to jump to conclusions...Call them, ones sick and the other had a huge schedule mix up. Nice. So I go from jazzy and psyced...To dirty and down in 2 minutes flat. By the time I got help in there, I was sitting back in my over air conditioned office trying to write my review and do the stack of paperwork I have left from Food Ave. So I'm a little down from that. Other than that...I think I'm doing better.
I have a doctors appointment ( Gotta love America) In a month. What hedge was saying really hit home. Not because I was unaware that I was depressed lately...But it took me back for a moment when I first read it. I thought "no" just lately...But than Looking through everything for months and months, I realize, it's been too long. It's hard for me to say because I feel so foolish...If that's the word I want to use, but when I was younger I was hit by depression for a good 4 years. I always just assumed that it was because it was high school " Who's ever happy in high school?" But not to the extent that I was. I don't think there's something huge wrong and I know it has a lot to do with my attitude and how I choose to deal with things, but I also know that I can only go so far and my body and brain have to meet me half way. This all brought up some things that I really need to consider though...If there is something wrong...What? And if there is, how will I choose to work through it? I'm not the biggest fan of drugs of any kind. I don't even take aspirin, not for fear, but rather that I've always just believed the pain wasn't " Bad" enough to have to resort to pills. Oh while, It's something that only time and a doctor can tell. For now...I'll just sit around...Waiting...

Collette's Post of " Their Hot, and you should know"