.....................................................................................................Uh-Hh! It's...good. It's all....good!

ducky

Watching yourself grow up from the outside in is...strange. I took the weekend away from Santa Rosa, away from my family, away from work, and away from myself mostly. Remind me that he opens my car door, gives me swirly feelings in my stomach when his eyes catch mine and that when he cooks, or is busy arguing with his daughter he is MOST SEXY. Remind me of sitting out on the deck looking through the giant redwood trees listening to the sounds of nature rustle past us and of what finding somebody who thinks a lot like you sounds like. Now, in this moment, I can say that his qualities are good for me, and I am finely comfortable thinking that he may not be the one, but that he is just another life lesson waiting to be understood. ......He is really sexy when he's cooking...

I guess I waited long enough. I got tired of " waiting"...I figured..." What the hell am I waiting for?"...????? so...I let go.

As for this weekend? I will be spending it up at the resort, getting pampered with breakfast in bed, and dinner and a movie.

Now....if only I could get to sleep!

Big Daddy....yeah, I thought it was creepy when he called himself that too....

New person
He's Ray
I'm his Teller.
He took me to the Redwoods
We had fun
He's good for R&R

yep

I got fired from Target.
I got hired at Gap.
I left gap To work at Sleep Train.
I Hated Sleep Train and went back to Gap.
I left Gap to Go work for the Credit Union.
The credit union placed me in Navato, Windsor, and Ukiah.
He was just another guy I liked to flirt with to keep my day fun.
He ended up in my line more then once.
I said yes to his date and ended up actually going
He ended up being the sweetest guy I have met in a long time.
He brought me a rose at work the day after.
He in some strange way has turned out to be a pretty amazing guy.
When I see him, My stomach and heart do a wild sexy tango.
I almost can't wait to see him again.
And...I hope he turns out at LEAST to be a good friend, because DAMN, He's a fucking catch!

Date numero ono

..............first dates.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't even know how to catagorize it. Dinner and a Movie. He walked me to my door!! He opened all the doors for me. He bought me dinner! Is it strange I fear he might too grown up for me? He's talking about mortgages and soccer games! I need to go to sleep. I want a grilled cheese sandwich.

Bank Boy #2

Um......Three hour phone conversation. I love the butterfly feelings. When he came into my work today the teller next to me pointed out how nervous I make him. He couldnt look me directly in the eye, his hands shook a little, and since I hadn't called him in a few days...I could tell he was obviously even more nervous. I told him to call me and I told MYSELF that this was my new life, and that I was going to pick up not because of him, but because he represents all the times in the future I will try to say " Guys don't like me!" Or " Im ugly". I'll remember him, nervous and shaky, at my window, asking me to dinner, and i'll always remember out first date...which is tomorrow. Oh...yeah. Okay, now I made myself nervous by calling it that! Thanks collette! We'll see...things are a little diffrent then I'm used to. He's past his party years, he's got some years on me...15ish to be excat and he has a child, which is...big. He's sweet. Really really sweet and intresting. Honest which is refreashing. Also...he seems belivable, which is..important to me at this point in my life.

......Ye...ahh......

...............................................ummmmmm...............

.........does this even make since??

I totaly woke up this morning. Turned on my music, danced in my socks. I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep. Where have I been? The loss of everybody I know does not sting any longer. It confuses me, but I am learning. I try to not blame myself any longer. I try to look forward to tomorrow and think of only today. I try to not read to much into every situation and become happy with what I DO have. I celabrate my sucess and wish for more and thats what I feel I was really missing for so long. Determanation to move on, grow, live. I lost that somewhere in the hussle of...finding myself. And how clishe is it to say, " I had to get lost before I could find myself"? I am still so very lost, but it's in that knowldge that I now find comfert. I learn these things slowly and use them to remind myself of how YOUNG I really am. I have so much to learn. So much time to discover. So much time to hate myself for changing for other people.

I don't like what is happening. I don't like where my friends are. I don't like being told I shouldnt call people who refuse to talk to me. my friends. I Should stop trying. I should of stopped long ago. I shouldnt call, hoping....maybe this time!! MAYBE....I should give up. Walk away. I'll fall in love with another group. Set myself in a new life. Work into new problems, and learn to live again. I don't want to. Each one of them has slowly stopped talking to me. The only one who is always there feels it's all his fault. He actualy apoligised to me one night. We where sitting in his truck, and he started to explain something to me and mid sentence he stopped and said " You know...it's my fault...and I'm sorry" "For what?" I asked and he said " They pretty much have dropped you because you are hanging out with me" I wish I had the courage to of looked him in the face when I said what I said because maybe then he would belive me...but what I said was nothing more then the compleate truth...." If that's what is going on, then I count myself as lucky, Because I walked away with the best deal of the entire group" And I did. I walked away with the most caring, shy, geeky, rude, crude, halurious, missunderstood, mysteryous best friend in the world. And I know that's only part of what really happend. But...It breaks my heart in half to know he carries that waight. If only his secreats where anything but and he could become free and they would understand...I wish they could. I wish I didn't promise him his life would not become my gossip, and I wish they would...understand. I wish they would trust me. I wish........haven't you people ever seen the movie secreat garden? What's wrong with you?? Havent you seen the movie??

I find myself planning " Girl Nights" where their idea of crazy is drinking to much wine. I find myself going on dates with people who have " careers". I find myself going to company picnics and working on my posture. I wake up every morning to go to a nice office job, a normal 9-6 where my most trubling moment is...when my nail breaks and I've forgotten nail glue at home. My bills are becoming smaller, and my habits are becoming less, and I can go without a ciggaret for a week and not even flench. I've gotten asked out 3 times now in the past month and I found myself explaining them to my mom and cought myself..." Men". I called them " Men" insted of boys. I suprise myself every once in a while. As I lay in bed late at night day dreaming of my dates...I stop and go " OMG!!! He's a fucking doctor!" Or " OMG!!! HE PARTNER in the family bisnuss!" Because...every once in a while, My life will become something it hasn't in a long time...Stable. I will forget this all in a while. Who I was and who I am will become something of a memory and...I will think of you every once in a while. I will think of what I have left behind and how much fun it was. I will only think of the good things and hope we can have a re-do sometime. But...my new life...? It's kinda grown up...I feel the need party or do something to make sure this change isn't so fucking seamless. I feel...like I'm loosing a battle I am destin to fight and destined to win...but...when has winning ment all the glory?

Letting Go

Why are the words goodbye, I’m sorry and I love you, so easily pronounced, but so hard to say?

Okay

OKAY!!

So I've paid off two credit cards and am well on my way to pay off another one next month.

That leaves me with one credit card and only the necessary bills.

I cleaned my mess. Realized I was holding onto things to tightly. Realized that I was worried of loosing everything when in fact...I really had nothing.

I lost a lot people. Lost a lot of people I had fun with. But I realized that I have a really good friend standing in front of me. He's everything I want in a lover and I realize only now in this past month that well it may not be him, Rather I should never settle for anybody less then what he has shown me.

I realized that who I am is not what I will be tomorrow and that I need to try new things.

I realized that I am so afraid of love and living, I will sabotage all those who stand before me and ask to be into my life.

I know all these and accept them.

on that note....

MY PARENTS ARE BACK!!

They went to Disneyland to celebrate there 30th wedding anniversary

How fricken cute is that?

bank boy

Long awkward conversation with bank boy.
Had to have 3 cigarettes before I could even pick up my phone.
Long silences.
He's...much older then me.
He has an 11 year old daughter.
He's really sweet.
He is partner in a family owned business.
It's a thriving company.
He owns his own home.
He recently in the past year became clean and sober.
He's very handsome.
He's 14 years older then me!

Dates

When cute guy asks you to dinner, and you give him your number, and he calls you....your supposed to pick up your phone....not me. I freak out and am hardly able to pick up the phone to look at the voice mail! He's really sweet. Cute. Successful. Actually has a career. Owns a home. lean and sober....I can't possibly call him back!