It's the path left glittered

It's the path that I lose sight of. It's not the finish line...Because I don't know anything of it. It's not what I fear...Because I'm to lame most of the time to fear what I really should. It's not the people I've encountered...Because they are those whom make the trip worth the time. So how do I end up lost and alone? It's the path that I lose sight of, it's the trip itself. I have to remind myself sometimes that there is a world more important than the things that are glittering the path before me.

You deserve what you feel

What I'm thankful for......Its not my house, it's not my car, it's not my job, and it's not anything in my bedroom. It's the way Rosa has called me 4 times today. It's the way I left work yesterday thinking " Friday might just go ok!", It's how my mom stayed up all night last night cooking and than all day cleaning, and it's how my dad worked 12 hours last night. It's how Kareem can take on five extra tasks at once and still find the time to make fun of me, it's how people take the time to tell me how a cashier has made their day, it's how even when things look down...Things are still looking up from where they where. It's the sappy love movies, it's the time I can take out of life to do my stupid antics, it's how my niece will mimic my every move and how my nephew refuses to give me a hug until I am already out the door. I'm thankful for the people whom surround me. People who I hate, people who I love and for all those who I haven't even spoken to. It seems life's design has it out for me and in it, I am who I am...Only because of these people.

What it can be

It's a good night. I guess today's lesson is that life isn't what it is, and it's not what it isn't, it's what it can be.

Too nice? Or just too lost?

I can't even begin to collect my thoughts. Every sentence I begin, I close the thought by reaching for the Backspace canceling any idea with a prompt..." That's just not it". It's the feeling I can't pin down. It feels like I'm lost...Wondering in a area of my own minds creations. Where to go from here? There's nothing to look forward to anymore. It's overtly confusing, and randomly emotional. Lately things have just been crazy for my ackward thinking. I've realized how I have been taken advantage of at work. Maybe I've been to nice? I'll go at it with the true approach tomorrow, we shall see what comes out of this one. I do like the .357 idea however!

You have to have a computer for AOL?

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

It hurts

It's like speaking to a group of people for an hour...And they just sat there drooling into their laps. I deal with people all day at work, people who yell at me, tell me I'm incompetent, lazy, rude, stupid, retarded blah blah blah, and than I come home. People arguing, running around, fighting, cleaning, madness. The only escape I truly get is when I get out to go with Rosa and my other pals. I welcome this time. Today was the height of it all! I had an extremely stressful day at work, enough have me in tears, so tonight was going to be awesome for me. Fuck that all down the drain! I get to the mall where Rosa and Heath are to be waiting for me. They where nowhere to be seen. I call them once...Twice, three times, four times...No answer. That kinda pissed me off, but I finely got ahold of them and I was ready to get my shop on...But than all of a sudden my whole car shakes. This car full of three guys has just pulled in next to me and one of the guys who has just opened his door slamming it into mine. I try to get out of my car but their door was still there...So I wait. By the time I could get out, they are halfway to the entryway into the mall and are yelling back " No Speaka English!". Anger billowing out...Spilling over onto my arms that are now gripping my door itself, looking down at this huge dent they have put on my car, put into my patience, put into my hard earned car. So here I am, standing with the whites of my knuckles shaking the car door slightly back in fourth thinking in my head...How FUCKING good would it feel to Smash my door into their car? How good would a crunching sound make me feel right now? It would make me feel great! That's the truth. Slamming my door into their car would make me feel awesome at this point...But what about after this point? I stood there thinking for a a little bit longer about how good I would feel..But than I thought about why they walked away. What would I do if I was them? What had happened to them today? Who says they haven't had the same day I have? And even if they had sat at home on heated pillows eating grapes being served by women in skimpy bathing suits...Would me denting their car...Make my car not dented anymore? Would the paint magically jump back on my car? Would the feelings of hate and anger disappear? The answer is no, and I'm getting over it now. But than heath and Rosa come out to the car... I had tried telling them what had happened but Heath wasn't listening to me. I would try to talk to him, but he wasn't even listening to me. It's just like work, just like home, just like him. I can't handle it! I'm sitting here in these tears I only feel shamefully for, wondering if anybody has ever listened to me? It hurts, It hurts a lot.

twinkler-pony

This is awesome! I very much want to get into the beta!

Maybe

Anybody else notice how my profile has been lurking at the bottom of the screen for a looooong time? Maybe it's just waiting for a long enough post to be pushed back up...We shall fix that!

Maybe....

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Hasn't this been fun?

This has been a test of the collections Retardation test...This was ONLY a Test!

All of this still leaves Rosa passed out

Rosa is passed the hell out on my couch. At this point...I don't think a nuclear war would wake her up. My nephew has so far, ran his cars up and down the hallway...Which is two inches from where we where sleeping, built a castle out of blocks ( which really means he just banged pieces of wood together for about 5-10 minutes) Than he played the the baby, whom was crying ( which also really means that he ran his trucks into the baby's feet as he screamed bloody murder in the Johnny jump up). All of this still leaves Rosa passed out entirely in this innocent curled up ball on my rather small couch.

It was my mother

It was my mother who thought me that nobody could push me around if I didn't let them. I never liked that theory as a child. In fact I would let the other kids ( even though I was something of a giant in elementary school) push me around, beat on me, do the normal punk ass things. I hated fighting. The entire idea of beating somebody up or even getting in a fight would make me sick to my stomach. I never understood ( Still can't ) how a person could physically hurt another human...No matter how badly they hated each other. My mother on the other hand though, didn't share my feelings. She would tell me every black eye, every bruised arm, that I had to " beat the crap out" out of the other kids. It wasn't her fault. She was looking out for me, she was making sure I was safe. I wish she would still tell me what to do.
At work, I sit in a world of people of whom I couldn't even begin to understand let alone explain. They are a bunch on their own, living in a world to which any other might not understand. I live as an outsider to this world; A not so gentle observer. I feel like I'm 10 years old again. Not because of the mentality...But rather that I am hit with this feeling of cursing pain. I'm Confused, lost, alone, and angry.

Confused because these are people who will tell you the grass is purple, and swear to it until your purple in the face...Than when you show them the grass...And they see it's green...They will tell you your insane and that they never said it was purple to begin with.

Lost because I'm not used to being seen...And than ignored. In high school, I remember just thinking that I would just NEVER talk, and people would never have to talk to me or be mean because...They don't know who I am. I didn't have to worry about shit like this, because I made it a point not to be seen. When I got to Target...It was different. There where people I Wanted to talk to. There where people who sought out to talk to me ( The few and the awesome). Target made me feel great because I was getting everything I lacked in school! Coolness, happiness....A life.

I feel mostly alone because there isn't anybody who I feel safe going to and saying..." Hey...They are a fucker, help me"! It feels like everybody has a back door that their feeding the neighbors dog through. Nobody can be trusted and that's an awful feeling.

I'm angry even more than alone...Because everything I just said. It makes me angry that it's all true and it makes me angry that I can't do jack shit to make it better for those whom deserve it! Madman, Rosa, and the few and far between cashiers and salesfloor team members whom work their asses off!

So what do I do? Half of me wants to give in, forget everything I've worked to do. Maybe about...25% of me would like to run into these peoples faces and tell them " I've worked to hard, to long to get where I am...And you can NOT make me go anywhere, You better get over what ever you have wrong with me and move on! And than there's the other 25% that makes me want to grab the closest shopping basket and randomly ram it into their car in the parking lot...But thankfully for us, I'm not a violent person...Not yet and not anymore.

I Know!

Rosa's been shot...in the lip

Where I want to be 2

I would pay almost every cent in my account
to be right here now ->

Not myself

Ever feel lonely even though your surrounded by people you want to be with?

Isn't this beautiful? I miss being creative

Again...With the randomness

Two random unrelated things:
cstr141: There's something about a fat old man who wears red velvet rubbing all up against me and making me sit and smile on his lap

Gloria Steinem was the first to say
If the shoe doesn't fit, must we change the foot?

Calling all whom are that bored

I am aching for somebody to talk to. I don't want this " hey, what's up, how's the weather and the kids" talk. I miss the true, deep, thoughtfully conversations I had with people back in high school. Yes, children in high school where more willing to carry on a true conversation than anybody I've been able to find in the past year. It's annoying and sad all in one tragic fault of my own I guess. I've built a life of getting away from who I was...Only to miss it for it's own worth. A lesson of the un-wise.

Comprehension

Do you ever wonder...

• Why you are where you are?
  
• Why your nose seems to " Stuff" up right before you either eat or need to sleep?
  
• What the hell " Taco Bell" means? Because...Is there supposed to be a special bell for tacos??
• Why people say mean things when what they really need...Is somebody to say something nice to make it all better?
• Why people are afraid of "different" Yet are overly comfortable with "New" ?
• Why there is no size 21?
• If there is some sort of map to which side of the rainbow has the gold...Because if you would like to get technical...There are two sides of the rainbow and there are probably people on the other side coming to your side to get the gold...So why not just look on your.......Yes. I'm stopping this one now realizing that I have a half empty bottle of cough syrup next to me!
• Do you ever notice the way your knuckles crease? Because that's something I pay a lot of attention to.
• about Your face? I'm always aware of my face, my lips, my hair...Not to be neurotic...But it's still an off concept to me that people can decide ( People, meaning...How I can too) who I am and what I am worth by the mass of features piled on my neck.
• about silence? In high school...It was my way of controlling my world by Not talking. Now...In life, it seems it's more of an ability to create this elaborate web of what people want to think by just talking talking and talking. I enjoy playing into what people think I am. It's really really sick of me in this aspect. It makes me uncomfortable thinking somebody would be able to be that close to my true thoughts and feelings. I'm not one for being venerable, yet I believe we all are like that in one small way or another.
• if it's them...Not you? I have had some odd thoughts as of late. We all know I'm not thee most confident person alive...But I have had these moments where I'll be talking to a person and they look at me cross...Talk to me like I'm stupid and I'll start to get down about it...Until this idea crosses my mind like a stop sign in the 1am moonlight...It's not me...It's you...You crazy fucker.
• Why good people do bad things? Are they really just bad people than? Or just good people doing bad things? Does that truly mean that thus...There are no true " Bad" people?

signed off at 11:49:35 PM.

Why does it make me want to cry when I start to talk to someone...Like really talk...and they leave? It doesn't make me sad that I can't find somebody to talk to...It's rather, just sad that I thought they where different.I really thought they where different.

You, me, and the world I've chosen to ignore

It's like having your life on hold well your mind plays the " Re-boot" game. It's having the same old conversation with the same people over and over again. I'm young; This is the prime of my life. Doors may be shutting, but windows are ready and open. The world is ready and dripping of the juices of " opportunity"! And here I am, sitting in the middle of a huge swarm of this great majestic life twiddling my thumbs. I have no will to live any longer. And I really have no will to die. I'm tired of the bland taste of stale that has set into my world, however..." Spice" is not what I'm looking for. It's a different taste im craving. It's the feeling of happiness, calmness, relaxation, solitude and warmth. It's the sun on your face a warm golden evening, well your laid out flat in a field of grass that reaches above you and into the sky. It's the thoughts that make you smile and even break a gentle chuckle as you pass through the sun set pinks of the ocean views. It's the feeling of dried salt-water and sand on your toes as you lay dripping into your sand chair. It's these feelings I crave. You, me, and the world I've chosen to ignore.

Try it on me...and you die

Lost between frank and you

It was Ann Frank who said:

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.

So here I am, surching for the last thing that I belive links me to the rest of the population...but I am at a loss.

Some people call fighting in a " war" their civic duty. Some say flying the flag is their " Amrican duty". What I call my american duty is going today to donate blood.

poorness

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo poor. It really sucks

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose." -Robert Byrne

I just am tired. That's all. I wouldn't be sad to had to be alone for a while. Things seems to be swarming over my head and through my life that I can't stop caring about. There's pieces to my life I have to keep putting back together, my family, my job, my friends. I'm the puzzle master here. I'm fixing, re-arranging, moving and fudging parts of my life around to fix everything else around me.

I suck

I've never been so pissed as I am right now! Things are all jacked up at work, at home and now with my phone which says I didn't pay on it so the fuckers turned the service off...Ugh, why the hell am I so poor than? Because I made a $52.00 payment two weeks ago!! More than what the actual bill was FYI. I'm going to raise all kinds of hell at sprint! They do this to me all the time! I'm going to cancel my service and they are going to eat the charges for it because they keep trying to take money from me, now they want $125.00 because they say I didn't pay last month! They can eat shit! I don't think I can get any more depressed than I am this week. Please...make it all just go away! I'll play nice for now on, k?

He had promised me!

Str141: FUCK KAREEM!
Str141: You know what I just realized
Kmayhem213: what
Str141: you did it again!
Str141: I thought we discussed this!
Kmayhem213: what?
Str141: Next time the store is burning down...You weren't going to save it!
Str141: We where going to let it burn!
Str141: Damn you and your morals
Kmayhem213: hahahahahahahahaha I forgot

How I can not Love a person

He walks into the store and says nothing to me.
He says nothing to me, however, he said a lot.
In the fact that he said nothing, I know that he knows exactly what I know.
We keep to ourselves
We keep everything we know, everything we talked about
People have this idea that there is that one person whom they " Love" and whom " loves" them and they are " destine" to be together right?
What about those whom are destine to never be together?
He knows what I say before I say it.
He can tell that I am depressed because he is also.
I know the feelings he feels.
He can say what I can't speak
I fear that we just don't talk to each other because we are too afraid of realizing that all this isn't true
What's odd isn't that we don't talk...But rather that he shows up, when I need him the most.
The feeling of discontent, and loneliness will be almost to much to bare...And than he will be there
His eyes never leaving mine
never looking away
never blinking
not staring, but speaking
Speaking to what I know as his way of saying..." I know, me too".
It's not love that I feel for him. It's not a crush or that kind of affection even. It's just him, and how he makes me feel much more sane than I have felt because he is a good person and to know he knows my darkest secretes...And still can look at me the same way, makes me understand that he understands much more

Love is just what I don't have. Love has been made into something so different in the past couple years. Made different by my family, by this war, by people in generally. It's no longer something that I feel. It's something that's shown. It's something that is package and tested. It's a rose on the bed, it's candy on a birthday, it's taking out the trash and it's not stealing the covers at night. I have been so destine to make love into something I can see and feel that I have practically put a time limit on it. I'm a strong believer in doing what I feel. I have no mental voice that tells me " No" because I have trained myself in one way or another to go with what I feel. Love, life, happiness and even sadness are what I have learned to use. For most, logic and facts are enough to tell them " no" but I wait for that feeling that says..." This isn't right" and the feeling that says " do it anyways". There isn't any formula, idea or package that comes with this method...Just outcomes. I'm waiting for life to tell me that this is ok.

I'm a " Midnight clincher"

I hate being sick because I'm such a baby about it. So on top of my cold ( The same one that everybody else has, but I'm dramatic to it's worse ;) I have my wisdom teeth coming in. DEAR LORD! They are killing me! According to my doctor I'm a " Midnight clincher" and with my sinuses on a hiatus, I'm dyeing.