It was my mother

It was my mother who thought me that nobody could push me around if I didn't let them. I never liked that theory as a child. In fact I would let the other kids ( even though I was something of a giant in elementary school) push me around, beat on me, do the normal punk ass things. I hated fighting. The entire idea of beating somebody up or even getting in a fight would make me sick to my stomach. I never understood ( Still can't ) how a person could physically hurt another human...No matter how badly they hated each other. My mother on the other hand though, didn't share my feelings. She would tell me every black eye, every bruised arm, that I had to " beat the crap out" out of the other kids. It wasn't her fault. She was looking out for me, she was making sure I was safe. I wish she would still tell me what to do.
At work, I sit in a world of people of whom I couldn't even begin to understand let alone explain. They are a bunch on their own, living in a world to which any other might not understand. I live as an outsider to this world; A not so gentle observer. I feel like I'm 10 years old again. Not because of the mentality...But rather that I am hit with this feeling of cursing pain. I'm Confused, lost, alone, and angry.

Confused because these are people who will tell you the grass is purple, and swear to it until your purple in the face...Than when you show them the grass...And they see it's green...They will tell you your insane and that they never said it was purple to begin with.

Lost because I'm not used to being seen...And than ignored. In high school, I remember just thinking that I would just NEVER talk, and people would never have to talk to me or be mean because...They don't know who I am. I didn't have to worry about shit like this, because I made it a point not to be seen. When I got to Target...It was different. There where people I Wanted to talk to. There where people who sought out to talk to me ( The few and the awesome). Target made me feel great because I was getting everything I lacked in school! Coolness, happiness....A life.

I feel mostly alone because there isn't anybody who I feel safe going to and saying..." Hey...They are a fucker, help me"! It feels like everybody has a back door that their feeding the neighbors dog through. Nobody can be trusted and that's an awful feeling.

I'm angry even more than alone...Because everything I just said. It makes me angry that it's all true and it makes me angry that I can't do jack shit to make it better for those whom deserve it! Madman, Rosa, and the few and far between cashiers and salesfloor team members whom work their asses off!

So what do I do? Half of me wants to give in, forget everything I've worked to do. Maybe about...25% of me would like to run into these peoples faces and tell them " I've worked to hard, to long to get where I am...And you can NOT make me go anywhere, You better get over what ever you have wrong with me and move on! And than there's the other 25% that makes me want to grab the closest shopping basket and randomly ram it into their car in the parking lot...But thankfully for us, I'm not a violent person...Not yet and not anymore.