It's redundant

I'm boring aren't I? I'm a boring boring person, I've started to effect not only my friends, but even myself. I accidentally locked myself out of my bedroom and It's going to take an act of god to get back in there and it's horribly killing me right now. I would like to, more than anything else right now, go to bed and curl up into a big sleeping fest that will kill me for 14 or so hours. Why can't I just be a happy person?

True eurt

Str141: new years SUCK
Kmayhem26: why
Str141: the same reason valentines isn't a day I recognize on my calendar

Tabula Rasa

I've been a long believer in the idea that life is only what we make it. I don't know how I got these ideas and where I'll ever go with them, however...These are the ideas that get me into trouble. I was the odd kid who thought a lot about things and well I may admit it here...I will never actually speak about the times when I would find it more than satisfying than to sit and watch the world. I was young when I was first captivated by my own thoughts. The ideas that I could possibly possess lend me to many years in classes that never satisfied what I was truly wondering; Where do my thoughts come from? Are people built with all that they will ever be? Or are things built from the experiences they encounter? Or are those even the makings of a life that has been built?
psychologists call it " Tabula Rasa" which means " Clean slate". It is what John Locke who first named "life in which we create". He Believed that ALL knowledge (behavior) comes from EXPERIENCE. Thinking about this, we all limit our lives in some ways. Bound by what is right and what is accepted, we all learn to tell ourselves that life is one thing or another. Looking at it truthfully, and historically I've always guessed that life was the search for happiness. Gods, spirits, angels and things of the such, all lend towards this promise, " You will be happy eternally". There are those whom don't believe in such Gods, these are the people whom please themselves on other levels. We all strive for that job that will make us rich and thus happy. We all want that family that we believe will be perfect for us. This being true...Why have we lost sight in what we want? People live lives full of pain not ever thinking... Why? Why stay doing what I don't what to do when I can do what I really want and be truly happy? I live like such. I am imprisoned in the fear between being happy and being right. In a world that will kill you if you are different, I have always lived border to what I want and where I'm going. I live in such fear my life will be paralyzed never and only affected by time.

The way it used to be

Christmas for me was yesterday. We opened presents and had some pizza. Haha, the normal Howell tradition. It was nice. What was the best for me...Was how I went to be at 12:30am ( Early for me) than woke up about...3 minutes ago at 2:20pm. Hahaha, I feel so much better now! No alarm clocks, no kids screaming, no fighting...It was nice! But my parents aren't here and I don't know where they are! I woke up to the house being cold and quiet. Not that I'm complaining because I am vegging out in front of the computer, eating candy watching the Govanator do un-humorous stunts in that retarded movie he did. I kinda miss the way things where in the olden days...Me and my sisters waking up early enough to catch the moon, making my parents coffee, opening presents, cleaning up, playing until Naps where necessary. Things change...I need to get used to that...Somehow.

Tiredness sets in...Christmas does too

Str141: Fuck
Kmayhem26: what?
Str141: i need to go shopping but i don't want to even blink at this moment

I don't like my eggs scrambled

Every time my head gets near the pillow my head seems to flood with what I did and didn't do. I try to stop all the thoughts from getting to me...But it's usually too late and it's 6am and I have to be to work in an hour anyways. It's how my family is doing, how my sister is doing, what I'm going to do about this and what I'm going to do about that...It's just me being overly sensitive to retarded things. Now I know my mind is getting like scrambled eggs and I can't even hold a full conversation...Let alone a full sentence. I feel dumb when I'm sitting there trying to talk to a person, and than I just forget what I'm saying...Than the staring off in space gets to me, but I'm almost at a point where I don't care anymore.

nnnnnnnnn

I wish I could get some sleep. I've been tired as hell lately and I think I'm finely going to have to take a day off because I'm so exhausted! I need to take my vacation hours because they are piling up. I have 50 or so vacation hours and 40 or such sick pay...Maybe I'll sleep all day tomorrow. I haven't called out in a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time.

Dumbing us down

The parental flaw: " Because I said so"
Why? We are Dumbing our children down. Children can create their own language, learn 30 new tasks, learn to walk, talk and move all in 2 years...So why do we expect that they can't understand the real reasons behind things? Do yourself a favor and next time you feel yourself telling you children or just kids in general " Because I said so" ... insted,Explain yourself. If you can't come up with a reasonable answer...Than maybe that means something else.

Tell the truth!

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
( Please? Just do it? Im curious beyond words...That and it's 1am and Im BORED)

stale

I had an amazing dream last night! One that leaves me wondering what I'm going to do about it. My life has become stale...It needs what I and what I haven't done...It needs to breath. I'm going to do what any California Girl would do...Go wash my car.

Google this

I'm so lazy! I like many others out there, make that lame mental list every day. " This is what I need to do, this is what I have to get done!" Smart? Sure...But what I'm really telling myself is..." Here's what I need to do today...Here's what I don't want to do!" and things on both lists...Are the same. Which list do I follow? We'll let you figure that out on your own. Yet all this arguing I have going on in my head doesn't solve the problem of my laundry...It's sitting in my room, more than ready. So what's my problem? I sometimes tell myself it's because " I work so much at Work, that I'm just to tired to do anything else"..........Yeah, I don't believe it myself either. The truth is that I stand around creatively at the front lanes and I think that's what the big problem with me changing to food ave. Team leader is. My pampered life will be ruined by 8hr of slavery? No, I'm positive it wont be...But I'm such a slave driver myself...Working under my own terms, might knock me on my big ass ego. I'm a peasant working at a kings ransom! I feel bad because the team I'm supposed to be supervising over have either worked there longer than I have or worked in the food court much longer than I did when I was a team member. So here I am, some young punk of a Team Leader, trying to tell them what to do...When all along I have to ask for help. Haha, this is such a lesson...One in which I'm to tired to recognize right now! I'm going to bed...Which actually translates to " I'm going to watch late night t.v. and try to clean my room". So because I don't work tomorrow ( OMG THANK THE LORD!!!) I'll see you all tomorrow!

Retarded

Why am I still awake? Who knows anymore. My head wont let me have a moments peace. I keep talking to myself. Yes I am just bought that crazy! I need to get sleep soon or I won't get up tomorrow.....Shit! Now The idea of not sleeping at all has entered my head! Haha, it's 1am and I am still recovering from last nights.... " Hey stay awake until your check gets deposited" idea. I think Rosa called it the best, I Am SUCH a GEEK. A poor geek speaking of checks actually! I need to get a second job if I want to ever move out of this place! Which I really really do! I also want to pay off my car and than get some money saved up...Maybe that manicure and pedicure I had planned tomorrow isn't the best way to save money....hahahaha. I can't believe what girl I am tonight. I am sitting her gushing to myself about how cute this boy at work is thinking...Why am I like this? I never tell people about guys I like, Rosa...Once in a while, but that's it. I don't share it or tell people. I would deny it to the fullest extent if you ever asked me, but there have been plenty of people I have been interested in the past couple months or so. Maybe it's an extreme fear of rejection...Or maybe I'm just shy in that respect. I need to get out of my head! I'm over thinking everything! (..........I forgot what I was going to type...fuck......................................! Oh Yeah! hahaha) I was cashiering for a little bit today and there where this group of girls (3 or so) and they where all dressed up like they where ready to hit the bars. They where all chatty and gushing, but what caught my attention was that they where talkin bought this one girl who was " Soooo sad" because she hadn't had a boyfriend and she was " 23". I started thinkin, " Yeah, man, that is sad....." But than the thought came to me......In less than three years ill be 23 and I'll be that " Sad" girl...That's bad. Socially inept? Retarded? Lame? Broken? Shy? Don't care? Maybe one of those or all of them...But all I care....Is that I get some sleep in the next.....48 hours or so.

It's three am...I must be lonely

It's three AM and I am still awake. Why? Who knows, but what I do know is I really don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to wake up, I just really don't want to do anything actually. Moving, working, even breathing seems like needless work at this point. I would like a tall glass of alcohol and an even larger pill of some sorts.

Life Savors

I now completely understand why I am the way I am. I except and am moving in the direction of forgiving all that has been done to me throughout my life. I need to forgive not only the people who have done these things to me, but I need to forgive myself and yet still, own up to what I have done. Today...Has been a turning point for me. I see what I have...What I don't have and I am happy. There are these people I will call " Life killers". These killers have been out and about for a few months now and today they did some top of the list crazy shit. I've had it! The kind of had it that has people moving to different states and coming back years down the road to visit the family they left behind. It's hard for me to think of these things...But I still know that if I don't get out of this life soon, I'll be pulled into living it myself. What about helping them? These killers I hate so dear? There's only so much I can do and there's only so much they are willing to do, it just seems it's something they have to do on their own. Yes I am the type to run away from the problems in my world...But I'm not strong enough to live like this. I'm not strong enough to care anymore. It's sad...But than again...It's the truth!

The boss told me I was " awesome"

Over enthused...That's something I've never been called. Pushy, loud, irritating, annoying, these are all things that where " constructively" told to me yesterday. I had it with the annoying co-worker...I had to do something about it. She said that I was being to pushy into everything they did up there and that I was mean and cold hearted....Cold hearted...Yeah, we all know that though...But pushy? Maybe it's because I've been so long told that I have to assert myself and make sure I get what I deserve. These things have such a different meaning to me. Where they see pushy...I see assertion where there was none. Where I see " irritating" I see my co-workers just needing to lighten the hell up. Along with this she told me that I was too mean to the cashiers and that I was always looking to fire people. I just looked at her in amazement....I've only done 1 write up! That was by order of my boss, any of the other things...The other supervisors brought to me and asked me to do because I had been trained to do it! I told her this, she had her numbers totally exaggerated, she said that I had done 3 write ups and had done all sorts of things. I bought $15 worth of starbucks cards last week and was handing it out to the cashiers last week! I bought the entire cart attendant team dinner last night! I bought $30 worth of lunch for cashiers who got Instant credits and Surveys! Tell me I'm mean? I only like to help those who are doing their job! I'm not one to sit on my ass and watch others work. When I was a cashier it felt so good to get what I deserved. I worked even harder for those whom believed in me. I don't understand why they have such a huge problem with it. I don't know why I let them get to me. One of them is a hypocondreact, another is a bitter lonely old women, another is stealing from the company. I love them all for their differences...And I wish they could help me at least understand what I am doing wrong instead of just talking about it themselves and gossiping to the cashiers. I've never been in a department of the store that people where this disconnected. In the office we had meetings and we all where apart of what was going on. In the cash office we all left each other notes each week. In food have we all would write daily what happened and what needed to get done the next day. At the front lanes...It's like they just come...Stand around and leave. There's nothing we are trying to achieve out there. Help the guests...Sure, make the team happy? Naa, Improve ourselves? Naaa, too much work on our behalf. I was told we are to just come, make the team happy and go home. Wow...Somebody was just telling me I didn't know anything about business...But I'm starting to feel less bad about myself realizing that...Maybe it's not all me.