Our night out on the town!

My sister's party! This is what was in front of her house. It's all much funnier when you realize that " Dave" is her ex-fiance


you've waited long enough, he's me...Sort of!


Why Rosa can't run a Mile

Why my family is evil!

Metamorphosis

Disconnected. Distant from where I have come. Stupid, lame, tired, fustrated, off, sad, mad, excited, mean, rude, ridged, sloppy and just plain over done. I've been disconnected from everything. Everything only because I could not deal with something. I turned off my light, left my mind, and said goodbye to caring for anything again. I decided I was helpless in all, smarter than most, and just plain just " Good enough". It's time I do something about that.

Just shoot me!

I've been thinking a lot about things. One...This mound of candy next to me tells me that I should be ready to for bed...But the clock on the other side of me is begging me... " We have a WHOLE NEW hour coming in tonight Collette...Don't bother!" and thus why I'm sitting here staring at the screen like I was waiting for it to provide some answer for my sleepiness.
Today started out so nice at work. I was soo happy to be opening and the cashiers where great! We played games, got a lot of work done and had total fun doing it! But than things go bad. Another co-worker, another supervisor, decides that she has to leave. Leave? It's ok, because the day before I told her it was okay. Now however, I have huge back up on the lanes and this is the first real rush I've ever dealt with...And apparently I'm supposed to do it alone! Where did she go you ask? Her grandson was getting his pictures taken, so she said she has to be there to make him smile or he won't. This all being done in the mall down the street...1hr you would think? 2.5 hours this takes her and well she's gone I'm left with some of the most crudest nastiest things to have come out of the lanes yet.

1. Shit. Somebody shit all over the bathroom and I had to clean it up. Sure I've meet some poop once before, but this was like no poop before. I tried SO hard not to throw up I gagged myself trying to keep it down I believe I must of pulled some sort of muscle in my stomach, which left me with a odd crinked feeling on me for a while. People all the while are SCREAMING about how I can't " Just shut the bathroom" And that it's " Against the law" balh balh blah...I just laughed and was all...." Somebody had a rather large and messy accident that has spread three stalls over, Your welcome to go right in...( Holding the door open just enough to where they could see the nice log like item that was chilling smack dab in the middle of the restroom.)" Sure enough, 1-2 people pushed me out of the way to get to the open stall telling me that " You can't keep me from the bathroom, MOVE" which I almost thought was funny...Almost.

2. The cashiers are nice for the most part...But there are those whom I want to strangle because apparently I have NO CLUE how to do my job and they must tell me. This occurs every guest, every question, every glance there way...I'm doing " It' all wrong"

3. Three guests from HELL! One whom told me to my face that I was a " Lieing BITCH" and another whom wrote a two page complaint about a team member and myself, and than yelled at me for 10 min when I refused to reprimand the employee in front of her.

3. I burned myself so badly on my bath wither, that I have blisters on my toes.

4. The co-worker from hell Whom shall be referred to as " Gstl-zilla" took it upon herself ( Herself being a team member who hasn't even worked for target 5 months) to train me on basic cashiering and other basic knowledge I didn't know because apparently I was and am stupid up to this point. Well all...You know, I'm my two years at Target, through all 8 departments I've trained and worked in...I never know that Saturday's where busy, and Oh my gosh! Did you know that there are things known as " Bursts" of guests? Sometimes it's busy in the store....Sometimes it's not! Aghhh! EVERYTHING she said today, she just told me flat out that I don't know what I'm doing! She tells me that " Your doing it all wrong, if your even doing it at all apparently!" I just wanted to yell and scream in her face.." HELLO!!! DO YOU SEE ANYBODY HELPING ME WITH THIS SHIT??? DO YOU SEE SKIP STANDING HERE NEXT TO ME TO ANSWER QUESTIONS?" but I didn't yell at her. I asked calmly what I did wrong, and asked her to help me through some of the things I was un-aware of. After being lectured again on my age and how this " Un-responsible" behavior comes with being 19, I decided to call it a night...Only to be dead tired and run out of gas on my way home!

So it seems

I've lost. I've been fighting a losing battle. The same battle that has my mother thinking I'm either lesbian or just very much screwed up. Ok, I give in! I GIVE IN! Dates, crushes, the whole 9-yards, you got em, I date em. Ok? Just remember to tell my mom!

I had to

So Collections readers

In one random blog search...I find the object of my childhood dreams! You know the one! The one actor, person, whom you have a very nice " Crush" on? Well, what would yoooou do to find out that your favorite TV actor was addicted to blogging? You would promote his site up the yen yang correct? So Collections readers, I always thought that Wil Wheaton

Was not only a great actor, and a great guy, but very cute! haha. Yes...It is odd, because if you know me you would know that I'm not one for the fit and skinny type!

Tears

I watch as he throws himself into a fit of rage. His arms tense up, he punches me, he punches things, he hits himself and I loose what ever mind I had on the situation. I don't know what to say, what to do, where to go and all I can see is this beautiful little boy crying beneath me with tears his father has created.

Kerrey

This was just too plain funny to not post

Bored

I keep staring at this empty white screen. Staring thinking, what can I not say? What can I not do today? I'm bored. I'm tired. I have to work. The sadness in that last statement is slowly seeping in.

To become a father is not difficult, but to be a father is

I don't understand some peoples logic. It fails to pass even the obvious logic tests and yet... They hold their ideas in the light for " all" to marvel in.
The simple nature of a child is enough to make you think twice about your actions. Who is to speak for the one man who doesn't see this? Is it my place, my right, my duty to speak up on how a person is to raise their child? Who is the man who would never even sit and watch a movie with his child? Things like, responsibility, duty, honor, these words don't mean anything the this man. He wakes up in the morning and realizes that his life is already perfect, yet it is everybody else who needs to change. It's this man who would put his girlfriends head through the wall one day, than sit with her family and cuddle her endearingly the next day. It's this man who beliefs he owns all with out dropping a tear, when others whom have worked their entire lives...And whom never stake claim to the respect and honor that they deserve.
It's not the fact that he won't sit and watch Scooby with his son, it's not the fact that he doest love his mother, it's the fact that his son knows he doesn't love him and that's what's wrong. Fuck the father and fuck the mother, they shouldn't of had a child, but oh while! It's a little to late for that wish! He's here, he's beautiful and fuck me if his own flesh and blood doesn't love him. That pain is larger than any toy, larger than any hug, Larger than any kiss, and larger than any mother; and who's job is it to be to make sure the little boy sleeping so adorable with his little blanket and stuffed dinosaur isn't the one who feels this pain of having nothing where something should always be? I'm more than here

Pumpkin carving is the best!

This is my creation...Spooky? Not so much...Time consuming...Very!

Enough said

Family has the great nack for making you want to crawl into a large hole and not come back out again.

Enough said

Family has the great nack for making you want to crawl into a large hole and not come back out again.

Ewww

Ive never felt sooo sick in my life. No joke, I feel like dyeing

Noticing the U2 in the u2busse

Rosa would KILL for this pumpkin

All that you see or seem, is but a dream within a dream-Edgar Allan Poe

There was a time, a while back, that I was having these very disturbing dreams. Nightmare if you want. They eventually went away as time went on, but apparently they have come back. By disturbing...I mean, blood, gore, death, murder, hate, and most times end up with me waking up in tears. I've tried sleeping more, thinking it was a deprived kind of thing, yet it was not. Last night it was Rosa being defaced by a stranger that helped up pull our car out of the river. I first fed her to the alligators...Than left her alone with some strange guy to be...It's to sick for even my taste to write about. But the point is that I can't sleep. Last night's was the sickest. It seems like everybody I know was there. I wish I could write some more but I must go get ready.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time. It is 1/100 of a second

It is estimated that the average person living in North America opens the fridge 22 times daily..

In the famous words of Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell, "_____, we have a problem." Lovell's actual words were "Houston, *we've had* a problem."


Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream company gives their ice cream waste to the local Vermont farmers who use it to feed their hogs. The hogs seem to like all of the flavors except Mint Oreo.

The banana is the world's largest herb.


One job that actor Brad Pitt held before he became famous was that of a costumed chicken for El Pollo Loco restaurant.

The number of hamburgers the McDonald’s fast-food chain has sold is 12 times the world's total population.

I'm blog whipped

31.25 %

My weblog owns 31.25 % of me.
Does'>http://wannabegirl.org/quiz/owned/">Does your weblog own you?

Vacation: Day 5

Yes that is a sock on my shelf. I got ready quite quickly this morning!


Isn't this pretty? It's in my back yard! It's part of a wind chime



Remember how excited I was to have a tub again? Our bathroom is still very much NOT finished!

Break Away

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away

Candy

I really want a snickers right now.

(IM BORED)

I need to stop eating (IM BORED)
Get out of my pajamas
Do my hair
Get some makeup on (Why not? I am after all bored)
Go get Rosa
Stop watching the Makeover story marathon and try to stay away from all versions of Star Track!
Get my ass outside for some Sunshine and lounging nature style

FYI

For some added interest I guess one might say... 3.08% of Collections viewers...Are in Singapore and 15% live in Australia. Just in case you needed to know

I would say it's depressing

I would say it's depressing reading my old journals...But that's really not the word I am looking for. On a scrambled, ripped paper shoved in the middle of March 20th, 2000 and June 1st, 2000 is a list a 16 year old Collette created. A list that mostly was created in vain...Slightly made in curiosity and hidden with deep fear of what the future held.
She writes a list of............Wants.
A list of what she wished the future to hold for her
what she wanted from the world she felt that owed her so much more than what had been given
A list that asks that she finds her happiness before she's 20,
find love in a different way than what she already know was possible
believe in what she thought she was
understand where she belongs
Live life in any other way than what she already was...

Is it depressing? No
Is it inspirational? Maybe
Is it confusing how I have lost that curiosity? Yes

Languid

languid
DEFINITION: (adjective) without energy; slow, sluggish, listless
EXAMPLE: The hot, humid weather of late August can make anyone feel languid.
SYNONYMS: apathetic, dull, lethargic

you're mostly overwhelmed with despair

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips
with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue,
but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard
time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant
anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Rabbits?

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Why Rosa is my friend and not yours!

U2busse: I love your justification of us dropping out of college with that blog comment, lmao
Str141: hahahahahahahaha
Str141: I thought it was good

He's lucky We don't have cubicles!

Kmayhem213: you should be able to tell which one is my desk
Str141: hahaha,
do you still have your award on it?
Str141: I bet that makes for a real nice
conversation starter
Kmayhem213: not telling
Str141: hahahha
Kmayhem213: lol
Str141: I was in there with dwayne once and he was
looking at it oddly
Kmayhem213: hahahahahaha
Kmayhem213: what did he
say?
Str141: nothing, what do you say " Hey, kareem's ass won an award?"
Kmayhem213: lol
Str141: he just kinda looked over there...Maybe he
didn't notice...Most likely he did...It's hard to miss
Kmayhem213: lol

When I worked in the office still, I was asked to clean out one of our supply closets. In this closet I found these Huge trophy's that the store had won. I was told the throw them out...Which was a shame. So I went out in search of something creative to do with them! Vanessa, one of the other Guest service Team Leaders Suggested we give it to somebody as a joke. After thinking long and hard, we remembered that a well known sore spot for Kareem was that well we where @ the aids walk in San Francisco some transvestite yelled out something to the effect of Kareems ass was " Booteylisious". Never never will we let him live it down and that's where the award came in. We pulled out the labeler and got to work. Thus he now owns a nice trophy which resides on his desk. I'm sure We could of been fired for that one! Who can say sexual harassment?

The problem, The BIG problem

I don't have boy issues...I have family issues! Because I talk to a guy doesn't mean I'm having an affair, and because I don't want a boyfriend DOESN'T mean I Have problems! Maybe I just want to run my own life! Maybe I just want some " Collette" time opposed to " Relationship" time. I would love go out, find somebody, hang out, do all the girly things...But I can't. Everybody and their mother wants me to go out with somebody, why? WHY you all want me to be hooked up and gone? I've never seen a happy couple yet...When I see one...Maybe I'll think about it.

Is that such a crime?

I'm going to be a big Girl and make Rosa very happy.
I might be...Some what...Slightly smitten.
And when I say slightly...I pretty much mean, I like him, he doesn't like me, and I for some reason still don't care! Because he's got this "I'm a geek hard core, clueless and lame" thing working for him very much so. Don't get to excited people! I'm not one for looks and I often don't hunt down the "hotties" or make decisions based on ones appearance, so we wont go there! But...I don't know anymore past this point. I already know he's not interested. And I'm not smitten enough to follow this through any further...But I'm totally loving thinking about how adorable he is sometimes. Is that such a crime?

nervous ill feeling

I have this nervous ill feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Target is sending me out for three days to Eureka To help with the store opening down there. Sometimes I often take a long look at myself and wonder...What have I gotten myself into this time? However, even with all the doubt...I'm very excited about going out there...It's such a beautiful drive and town! All 5hr of the drive that is.

What the hell is your worry?

Why don't I listen to myself?

Sublime
It's the one quick glance of something bigger and whatever your suffocating your world with, seems to disappear. It's more than confusing when you try to trick yourself into believing that you need whatever you are holding on to. Be it a life you hate, an understanding you just don't, or a job that you know you must leave. It all seems so small and unimportant as I watch my nephew squirm under the tapes view. Cute little bugger. Small little arrows to anote the 10 toes, 10 fingers, and one proclaiming " I'm a boy!" I feel, happiness. Just simple happiness. I keep thinking about the problems I'm trying to drown myself with, and the only answer I can come up with is, What the hell is your worry? Get over it, it's nothing big, shut your face, and go back to chatting it up about the jc lovers you want with Rosa!

The word uck and the letter f

Ever know something is wrong? But you can't help but think of it all the time? Know something is soo wrong it's almost a joke...Yet mostly not? Yeah. It's slightly funny...But mostly not anymore.

Hahahahahahahaha

That break in sanity was brought to you by the word uck and the letter f

like most things

Life, like most things, has it's up's and it's downs.

upside:
*Madman is coming back tonight
*retarded people quit work today
*The Rent is making Stuffed bell Peppers for dinner! My favorite thing in the world is a bell pepper BTW!
*Rosa and I shall hang out again today
*Payday is this week!

Downside:
*I prolly have to go into work tomorrow
*I have to work a crazy ass schedule this week
*I have to drop my most favorite class tomorrow
*I have class tomorrow
*My raise still hasn't been entered into the computer

Either I'm a very lonely person, or I'm completely anti social

I'm realizing things in myself. Things like, when I get sick, I also get very depressed. Not to worry. I'll be fine, but there are things that I am slowly learning from this " Sickness".
1. Either I'm a very lonely person, or I'm completely anti social. People seem to love the idea of " Setting me up" with someone. My mom, my sister's, co-workers, friends, they all have somebody in mind for me. Sometimes the idea seems rather appealing...But than on other days, I just tell myself " No way!" Like I can't handle another person at this time. I carry enough of peoples problems at home and than hear about them all day at work, it just feels like I've even lost myself in the mix.
2. Why am I still siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick?
3. I haven't felt like myself in a very long time. Who I have felt like...I'm not sure. Maybe a cross between a bitch, and a overly emotional Girl.

4. My ideas, my thoughts, my life, it feels like things are shut down and running on back up generators. When will it stop?

5. Things have progressively gone from bad, to worse, to " I can't take this much longer", to " I'm running away from home to Japan" than to " Fuck it! I can't wait to save the money for Japan because I hate It here so much I'm going to live In Japan town in New York", to " Know any good bridges?"

6. I used to think that my problem was not talking things out with people, but now I realize...I just want to keep my mouth shut because it's less talking I actually have to do with other people and that to me, is a good thing.

So like I said, I'm trying to train

So I did get dropped from that class. I spoke to the teacher and after realizing that I hadn't passed the first exam with flying colors I decided to drop. Thus no health insurance, which is nice, because I do believe I'm getting the flu. How nice. Oh, and yes, my mother did kill me. I need to move out. Not because I " hate my parents" or anything like it, I'm just nearing the end of my happiness here. I figure, pay off all my bills, pay off my car and move out. If I can accomplish that in a more timely manner than I have before...Than who's to complain, but we all know how I am on saving money!
How was training? Besides the random hot other Team Leads (Who turned out to be rude as hell!) It was just like a day in my store. Things where quite dead and I was left in charge of the Guest Service Team. Which for some reason, at the Napa Store is like 5 people! At my Santa Rosa store, it's usually 1 sometimes 2 people. So There I was, standing with these 5 Brand New Team Members. All of which I can't even pronounce their names! Jacnicuata? Something or another, LOL. So like I said, I'm trying to train them because they all where extremely fresh off of the street and wheren't even trained right. So I'll start talking to them and there where two who refused to listen to me. I spoke with them about it, and realized maybe it's not my place to be doing this at their store...So I get another team lead. I ask him if when he speaks with the two that I could be there to see how it was done...After all I'm training! So what does he do? He takes the guy outside and doesn't tell me squat! I felt like such an outsider. I would try to follow one of the team leads around, kinda as to shadow them, and he tells me to " Just....Go to guest service" Ok...So I'm training guest service. Bulllllll shiiiiiit. I dislike the idea of ever going back..Which I now have to do. I was wrong about the whole thing, I like the drive...As long as I don't get lost...However, I dislike the training...If that's what you want to call it!

Maybe!

I feel like crap and I believe I mostly know why. I believe it's because I'm incredibly tired and I know that I wont be getting any sleep until tonight. This being because I must go to not only school today, but than over to Napa after school. Which really bites. I hate making that drive. What I'm fearing the most is the drive BACK. It's going to be @ midnight or so, pitch black, and I'll be alone. I hate driving at night let alone LATE and I'm Guessing I'll be exhausted. This really fucking sucks! I still feel sick.
Maybe it's because of school. I missed class Monday and I realize that, there's like a 10% chance that I'm going to pass this class! It pisses me off that I haven't at least tried, but I'm so far behind and between work, and school, and home, I don't think I can do it! The downsides of me dropping this class are that I will be dropped from my parents insurance. Not only that but I will be put on academic probation because I've dropped and failed more than a few classes in my years at the J.C. Than to top it all off...My mom will kill me. So what am I going to do? Look up and check when the last day to " Withdraw" a class is, maybe I haven't passed it and I can still do that. That means I can just back out and not get an f in the class. Than I'll look up ways to make up the 3 units I'm already missing. Than I'll try to convince Rosa and Heath to drive down to napa to drive back with me! Maybe!

One day the store will stumble upon this

Today was supposed to be the first day I was to be in the New Napa Store training for my new position. As I believe I had said before the Napa Store is new...Not like only been open for a few weeks...But as in...Opens tomorrow. So I drove my ass all the way down there only to be told to come back tomorrow. Napa from here is what makes out to be 1.5hr drive. That just pissed me off. How can the executives of such a large store not have their shit together? Oh yeah...Easy, It's Target. I forgot.
Haha, I just realized...One day the store will stumble upon this and fire my ass because I am what they would call a liar, and what I would call truthfully. We shall see.

Sorry it had to be you

I am cold all the way to my core.
I am still shaking out of pure numbness.
Why did I sit out in the middle of a park for 2hr telling Rosa how fucked up I am?
Oh yeah...because I am.
I feel better now.
I'm sorry.

Nobody is safe!

Not the dingos eh? I guess hedge is doing his workaholic thing too.

I will learn to say NO!

It's Monday. Which means Three things.
1. I have school Today ( yet I am not going)
2. I have to go to work even though today is my day off.
3. Tomorrow I have to go to help in the Napa Store with it's opening and than for my supervisor training.

I need to get a lot of shit done today! Like getting my oil changed and than going in to work early and getting out early also! I make a promise to myself right here that I won't let my workaholic attitude keep me there more than 8 hours today. I will not let anybody else add more work than I already have to my plate and I will learn to say NO!

Shout...Shout....Let it out!

I'm in love! You all MUST get this Cd! He opened for Tears For Fears and I am equally impressed my his music as I was by the masters of Tears for Fears! That's a great accomplishment!

How fitting

Excuse the Dust well we do some mental maintenance

It often feels like I don't have control. Every word, every movement is another cut into my sanity that ultimately drives me further into this place where all I can think of is " Getting Out" as if it where some fake place or hold, that I could slip out of into where life is perfect and real. The feeling of ultimate rage begins with words I don't mean to people whom have incompetent notions as to what is going on. This followed by the feeling like...Things need to get better or else the shit is going to hit the fan and I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up from that again. And than there's the even better feeling of " Why do I try!" because once I pick my life back up and become comfortable in the place I seem to be stuck...Things shift and I feel ill again. And that's where I am again, today, everyday, forever on or so it seems. So when you see me tomorrow, next week, never, don't bother to add to my all ready messy sense of self, just excuse me well I do some mental maintenance.

now-er

Str141: ive never ment this more than now:
Str141: I want to get the fuck out of here