.........does this even make since??

I totaly woke up this morning. Turned on my music, danced in my socks. I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep. Where have I been? The loss of everybody I know does not sting any longer. It confuses me, but I am learning. I try to not blame myself any longer. I try to look forward to tomorrow and think of only today. I try to not read to much into every situation and become happy with what I DO have. I celabrate my sucess and wish for more and thats what I feel I was really missing for so long. Determanation to move on, grow, live. I lost that somewhere in the hussle of...finding myself. And how clishe is it to say, " I had to get lost before I could find myself"? I am still so very lost, but it's in that knowldge that I now find comfert. I learn these things slowly and use them to remind myself of how YOUNG I really am. I have so much to learn. So much time to discover. So much time to hate myself for changing for other people.

I don't like what is happening. I don't like where my friends are. I don't like being told I shouldnt call people who refuse to talk to me. my friends. I Should stop trying. I should of stopped long ago. I shouldnt call, hoping....maybe this time!! MAYBE....I should give up. Walk away. I'll fall in love with another group. Set myself in a new life. Work into new problems, and learn to live again. I don't want to. Each one of them has slowly stopped talking to me. The only one who is always there feels it's all his fault. He actualy apoligised to me one night. We where sitting in his truck, and he started to explain something to me and mid sentence he stopped and said " You know...it's my fault...and I'm sorry" "For what?" I asked and he said " They pretty much have dropped you because you are hanging out with me" I wish I had the courage to of looked him in the face when I said what I said because maybe then he would belive me...but what I said was nothing more then the compleate truth...." If that's what is going on, then I count myself as lucky, Because I walked away with the best deal of the entire group" And I did. I walked away with the most caring, shy, geeky, rude, crude, halurious, missunderstood, mysteryous best friend in the world. And I know that's only part of what really happend. But...It breaks my heart in half to know he carries that waight. If only his secreats where anything but and he could become free and they would understand...I wish they could. I wish I didn't promise him his life would not become my gossip, and I wish they would...understand. I wish they would trust me. I wish........haven't you people ever seen the movie secreat garden? What's wrong with you?? Havent you seen the movie??

I find myself planning " Girl Nights" where their idea of crazy is drinking to much wine. I find myself going on dates with people who have " careers". I find myself going to company picnics and working on my posture. I wake up every morning to go to a nice office job, a normal 9-6 where my most trubling moment is...when my nail breaks and I've forgotten nail glue at home. My bills are becoming smaller, and my habits are becoming less, and I can go without a ciggaret for a week and not even flench. I've gotten asked out 3 times now in the past month and I found myself explaining them to my mom and cought myself..." Men". I called them " Men" insted of boys. I suprise myself every once in a while. As I lay in bed late at night day dreaming of my dates...I stop and go " OMG!!! He's a fucking doctor!" Or " OMG!!! HE PARTNER in the family bisnuss!" Because...every once in a while, My life will become something it hasn't in a long time...Stable. I will forget this all in a while. Who I was and who I am will become something of a memory and...I will think of you every once in a while. I will think of what I have left behind and how much fun it was. I will only think of the good things and hope we can have a re-do sometime. But...my new life...? It's kinda grown up...I feel the need party or do something to make sure this change isn't so fucking seamless. I feel...like I'm loosing a battle I am destin to fight and destined to win...but...when has winning ment all the glory?