It's redundant

I'm boring aren't I? I'm a boring boring person, I've started to effect not only my friends, but even myself. I accidentally locked myself out of my bedroom and It's going to take an act of god to get back in there and it's horribly killing me right now. I would like to, more than anything else right now, go to bed and curl up into a big sleeping fest that will kill me for 14 or so hours. Why can't I just be a happy person?

True eurt

Str141: new years SUCK
Kmayhem26: why
Str141: the same reason valentines isn't a day I recognize on my calendar

Tabula Rasa

I've been a long believer in the idea that life is only what we make it. I don't know how I got these ideas and where I'll ever go with them, however...These are the ideas that get me into trouble. I was the odd kid who thought a lot about things and well I may admit it here...I will never actually speak about the times when I would find it more than satisfying than to sit and watch the world. I was young when I was first captivated by my own thoughts. The ideas that I could possibly possess lend me to many years in classes that never satisfied what I was truly wondering; Where do my thoughts come from? Are people built with all that they will ever be? Or are things built from the experiences they encounter? Or are those even the makings of a life that has been built?
psychologists call it " Tabula Rasa" which means " Clean slate". It is what John Locke who first named "life in which we create". He Believed that ALL knowledge (behavior) comes from EXPERIENCE. Thinking about this, we all limit our lives in some ways. Bound by what is right and what is accepted, we all learn to tell ourselves that life is one thing or another. Looking at it truthfully, and historically I've always guessed that life was the search for happiness. Gods, spirits, angels and things of the such, all lend towards this promise, " You will be happy eternally". There are those whom don't believe in such Gods, these are the people whom please themselves on other levels. We all strive for that job that will make us rich and thus happy. We all want that family that we believe will be perfect for us. This being true...Why have we lost sight in what we want? People live lives full of pain not ever thinking... Why? Why stay doing what I don't what to do when I can do what I really want and be truly happy? I live like such. I am imprisoned in the fear between being happy and being right. In a world that will kill you if you are different, I have always lived border to what I want and where I'm going. I live in such fear my life will be paralyzed never and only affected by time.

The way it used to be

Christmas for me was yesterday. We opened presents and had some pizza. Haha, the normal Howell tradition. It was nice. What was the best for me...Was how I went to be at 12:30am ( Early for me) than woke up about...3 minutes ago at 2:20pm. Hahaha, I feel so much better now! No alarm clocks, no kids screaming, no fighting...It was nice! But my parents aren't here and I don't know where they are! I woke up to the house being cold and quiet. Not that I'm complaining because I am vegging out in front of the computer, eating candy watching the Govanator do un-humorous stunts in that retarded movie he did. I kinda miss the way things where in the olden days...Me and my sisters waking up early enough to catch the moon, making my parents coffee, opening presents, cleaning up, playing until Naps where necessary. Things change...I need to get used to that...Somehow.

Tiredness sets in...Christmas does too

Str141: Fuck
Kmayhem26: what?
Str141: i need to go shopping but i don't want to even blink at this moment

I don't like my eggs scrambled

Every time my head gets near the pillow my head seems to flood with what I did and didn't do. I try to stop all the thoughts from getting to me...But it's usually too late and it's 6am and I have to be to work in an hour anyways. It's how my family is doing, how my sister is doing, what I'm going to do about this and what I'm going to do about that...It's just me being overly sensitive to retarded things. Now I know my mind is getting like scrambled eggs and I can't even hold a full conversation...Let alone a full sentence. I feel dumb when I'm sitting there trying to talk to a person, and than I just forget what I'm saying...Than the staring off in space gets to me, but I'm almost at a point where I don't care anymore.

nnnnnnnnn

I wish I could get some sleep. I've been tired as hell lately and I think I'm finely going to have to take a day off because I'm so exhausted! I need to take my vacation hours because they are piling up. I have 50 or so vacation hours and 40 or such sick pay...Maybe I'll sleep all day tomorrow. I haven't called out in a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time.

Dumbing us down

The parental flaw: " Because I said so"
Why? We are Dumbing our children down. Children can create their own language, learn 30 new tasks, learn to walk, talk and move all in 2 years...So why do we expect that they can't understand the real reasons behind things? Do yourself a favor and next time you feel yourself telling you children or just kids in general " Because I said so" ... insted,Explain yourself. If you can't come up with a reasonable answer...Than maybe that means something else.

Tell the truth!

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
( Please? Just do it? Im curious beyond words...That and it's 1am and Im BORED)

stale

I had an amazing dream last night! One that leaves me wondering what I'm going to do about it. My life has become stale...It needs what I and what I haven't done...It needs to breath. I'm going to do what any California Girl would do...Go wash my car.

Google this

I'm so lazy! I like many others out there, make that lame mental list every day. " This is what I need to do, this is what I have to get done!" Smart? Sure...But what I'm really telling myself is..." Here's what I need to do today...Here's what I don't want to do!" and things on both lists...Are the same. Which list do I follow? We'll let you figure that out on your own. Yet all this arguing I have going on in my head doesn't solve the problem of my laundry...It's sitting in my room, more than ready. So what's my problem? I sometimes tell myself it's because " I work so much at Work, that I'm just to tired to do anything else"..........Yeah, I don't believe it myself either. The truth is that I stand around creatively at the front lanes and I think that's what the big problem with me changing to food ave. Team leader is. My pampered life will be ruined by 8hr of slavery? No, I'm positive it wont be...But I'm such a slave driver myself...Working under my own terms, might knock me on my big ass ego. I'm a peasant working at a kings ransom! I feel bad because the team I'm supposed to be supervising over have either worked there longer than I have or worked in the food court much longer than I did when I was a team member. So here I am, some young punk of a Team Leader, trying to tell them what to do...When all along I have to ask for help. Haha, this is such a lesson...One in which I'm to tired to recognize right now! I'm going to bed...Which actually translates to " I'm going to watch late night t.v. and try to clean my room". So because I don't work tomorrow ( OMG THANK THE LORD!!!) I'll see you all tomorrow!

Retarded

Why am I still awake? Who knows anymore. My head wont let me have a moments peace. I keep talking to myself. Yes I am just bought that crazy! I need to get sleep soon or I won't get up tomorrow.....Shit! Now The idea of not sleeping at all has entered my head! Haha, it's 1am and I am still recovering from last nights.... " Hey stay awake until your check gets deposited" idea. I think Rosa called it the best, I Am SUCH a GEEK. A poor geek speaking of checks actually! I need to get a second job if I want to ever move out of this place! Which I really really do! I also want to pay off my car and than get some money saved up...Maybe that manicure and pedicure I had planned tomorrow isn't the best way to save money....hahahaha. I can't believe what girl I am tonight. I am sitting her gushing to myself about how cute this boy at work is thinking...Why am I like this? I never tell people about guys I like, Rosa...Once in a while, but that's it. I don't share it or tell people. I would deny it to the fullest extent if you ever asked me, but there have been plenty of people I have been interested in the past couple months or so. Maybe it's an extreme fear of rejection...Or maybe I'm just shy in that respect. I need to get out of my head! I'm over thinking everything! (..........I forgot what I was going to type...fuck......................................! Oh Yeah! hahaha) I was cashiering for a little bit today and there where this group of girls (3 or so) and they where all dressed up like they where ready to hit the bars. They where all chatty and gushing, but what caught my attention was that they where talkin bought this one girl who was " Soooo sad" because she hadn't had a boyfriend and she was " 23". I started thinkin, " Yeah, man, that is sad....." But than the thought came to me......In less than three years ill be 23 and I'll be that " Sad" girl...That's bad. Socially inept? Retarded? Lame? Broken? Shy? Don't care? Maybe one of those or all of them...But all I care....Is that I get some sleep in the next.....48 hours or so.

It's three am...I must be lonely

It's three AM and I am still awake. Why? Who knows, but what I do know is I really don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to wake up, I just really don't want to do anything actually. Moving, working, even breathing seems like needless work at this point. I would like a tall glass of alcohol and an even larger pill of some sorts.

Life Savors

I now completely understand why I am the way I am. I except and am moving in the direction of forgiving all that has been done to me throughout my life. I need to forgive not only the people who have done these things to me, but I need to forgive myself and yet still, own up to what I have done. Today...Has been a turning point for me. I see what I have...What I don't have and I am happy. There are these people I will call " Life killers". These killers have been out and about for a few months now and today they did some top of the list crazy shit. I've had it! The kind of had it that has people moving to different states and coming back years down the road to visit the family they left behind. It's hard for me to think of these things...But I still know that if I don't get out of this life soon, I'll be pulled into living it myself. What about helping them? These killers I hate so dear? There's only so much I can do and there's only so much they are willing to do, it just seems it's something they have to do on their own. Yes I am the type to run away from the problems in my world...But I'm not strong enough to live like this. I'm not strong enough to care anymore. It's sad...But than again...It's the truth!

The boss told me I was " awesome"

Over enthused...That's something I've never been called. Pushy, loud, irritating, annoying, these are all things that where " constructively" told to me yesterday. I had it with the annoying co-worker...I had to do something about it. She said that I was being to pushy into everything they did up there and that I was mean and cold hearted....Cold hearted...Yeah, we all know that though...But pushy? Maybe it's because I've been so long told that I have to assert myself and make sure I get what I deserve. These things have such a different meaning to me. Where they see pushy...I see assertion where there was none. Where I see " irritating" I see my co-workers just needing to lighten the hell up. Along with this she told me that I was too mean to the cashiers and that I was always looking to fire people. I just looked at her in amazement....I've only done 1 write up! That was by order of my boss, any of the other things...The other supervisors brought to me and asked me to do because I had been trained to do it! I told her this, she had her numbers totally exaggerated, she said that I had done 3 write ups and had done all sorts of things. I bought $15 worth of starbucks cards last week and was handing it out to the cashiers last week! I bought the entire cart attendant team dinner last night! I bought $30 worth of lunch for cashiers who got Instant credits and Surveys! Tell me I'm mean? I only like to help those who are doing their job! I'm not one to sit on my ass and watch others work. When I was a cashier it felt so good to get what I deserved. I worked even harder for those whom believed in me. I don't understand why they have such a huge problem with it. I don't know why I let them get to me. One of them is a hypocondreact, another is a bitter lonely old women, another is stealing from the company. I love them all for their differences...And I wish they could help me at least understand what I am doing wrong instead of just talking about it themselves and gossiping to the cashiers. I've never been in a department of the store that people where this disconnected. In the office we had meetings and we all where apart of what was going on. In the cash office we all left each other notes each week. In food have we all would write daily what happened and what needed to get done the next day. At the front lanes...It's like they just come...Stand around and leave. There's nothing we are trying to achieve out there. Help the guests...Sure, make the team happy? Naa, Improve ourselves? Naaa, too much work on our behalf. I was told we are to just come, make the team happy and go home. Wow...Somebody was just telling me I didn't know anything about business...But I'm starting to feel less bad about myself realizing that...Maybe it's not all me.

It's the path left glittered

It's the path that I lose sight of. It's not the finish line...Because I don't know anything of it. It's not what I fear...Because I'm to lame most of the time to fear what I really should. It's not the people I've encountered...Because they are those whom make the trip worth the time. So how do I end up lost and alone? It's the path that I lose sight of, it's the trip itself. I have to remind myself sometimes that there is a world more important than the things that are glittering the path before me.

You deserve what you feel

What I'm thankful for......Its not my house, it's not my car, it's not my job, and it's not anything in my bedroom. It's the way Rosa has called me 4 times today. It's the way I left work yesterday thinking " Friday might just go ok!", It's how my mom stayed up all night last night cooking and than all day cleaning, and it's how my dad worked 12 hours last night. It's how Kareem can take on five extra tasks at once and still find the time to make fun of me, it's how people take the time to tell me how a cashier has made their day, it's how even when things look down...Things are still looking up from where they where. It's the sappy love movies, it's the time I can take out of life to do my stupid antics, it's how my niece will mimic my every move and how my nephew refuses to give me a hug until I am already out the door. I'm thankful for the people whom surround me. People who I hate, people who I love and for all those who I haven't even spoken to. It seems life's design has it out for me and in it, I am who I am...Only because of these people.

What it can be

It's a good night. I guess today's lesson is that life isn't what it is, and it's not what it isn't, it's what it can be.

Too nice? Or just too lost?

I can't even begin to collect my thoughts. Every sentence I begin, I close the thought by reaching for the Backspace canceling any idea with a prompt..." That's just not it". It's the feeling I can't pin down. It feels like I'm lost...Wondering in a area of my own minds creations. Where to go from here? There's nothing to look forward to anymore. It's overtly confusing, and randomly emotional. Lately things have just been crazy for my ackward thinking. I've realized how I have been taken advantage of at work. Maybe I've been to nice? I'll go at it with the true approach tomorrow, we shall see what comes out of this one. I do like the .357 idea however!

You have to have a computer for AOL?

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

It hurts

It's like speaking to a group of people for an hour...And they just sat there drooling into their laps. I deal with people all day at work, people who yell at me, tell me I'm incompetent, lazy, rude, stupid, retarded blah blah blah, and than I come home. People arguing, running around, fighting, cleaning, madness. The only escape I truly get is when I get out to go with Rosa and my other pals. I welcome this time. Today was the height of it all! I had an extremely stressful day at work, enough have me in tears, so tonight was going to be awesome for me. Fuck that all down the drain! I get to the mall where Rosa and Heath are to be waiting for me. They where nowhere to be seen. I call them once...Twice, three times, four times...No answer. That kinda pissed me off, but I finely got ahold of them and I was ready to get my shop on...But than all of a sudden my whole car shakes. This car full of three guys has just pulled in next to me and one of the guys who has just opened his door slamming it into mine. I try to get out of my car but their door was still there...So I wait. By the time I could get out, they are halfway to the entryway into the mall and are yelling back " No Speaka English!". Anger billowing out...Spilling over onto my arms that are now gripping my door itself, looking down at this huge dent they have put on my car, put into my patience, put into my hard earned car. So here I am, standing with the whites of my knuckles shaking the car door slightly back in fourth thinking in my head...How FUCKING good would it feel to Smash my door into their car? How good would a crunching sound make me feel right now? It would make me feel great! That's the truth. Slamming my door into their car would make me feel awesome at this point...But what about after this point? I stood there thinking for a a little bit longer about how good I would feel..But than I thought about why they walked away. What would I do if I was them? What had happened to them today? Who says they haven't had the same day I have? And even if they had sat at home on heated pillows eating grapes being served by women in skimpy bathing suits...Would me denting their car...Make my car not dented anymore? Would the paint magically jump back on my car? Would the feelings of hate and anger disappear? The answer is no, and I'm getting over it now. But than heath and Rosa come out to the car... I had tried telling them what had happened but Heath wasn't listening to me. I would try to talk to him, but he wasn't even listening to me. It's just like work, just like home, just like him. I can't handle it! I'm sitting here in these tears I only feel shamefully for, wondering if anybody has ever listened to me? It hurts, It hurts a lot.

twinkler-pony

This is awesome! I very much want to get into the beta!

Maybe

Anybody else notice how my profile has been lurking at the bottom of the screen for a looooong time? Maybe it's just waiting for a long enough post to be pushed back up...We shall fix that!

Maybe....

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Hasn't this been fun?

This has been a test of the collections Retardation test...This was ONLY a Test!

All of this still leaves Rosa passed out

Rosa is passed the hell out on my couch. At this point...I don't think a nuclear war would wake her up. My nephew has so far, ran his cars up and down the hallway...Which is two inches from where we where sleeping, built a castle out of blocks ( which really means he just banged pieces of wood together for about 5-10 minutes) Than he played the the baby, whom was crying ( which also really means that he ran his trucks into the baby's feet as he screamed bloody murder in the Johnny jump up). All of this still leaves Rosa passed out entirely in this innocent curled up ball on my rather small couch.

It was my mother

It was my mother who thought me that nobody could push me around if I didn't let them. I never liked that theory as a child. In fact I would let the other kids ( even though I was something of a giant in elementary school) push me around, beat on me, do the normal punk ass things. I hated fighting. The entire idea of beating somebody up or even getting in a fight would make me sick to my stomach. I never understood ( Still can't ) how a person could physically hurt another human...No matter how badly they hated each other. My mother on the other hand though, didn't share my feelings. She would tell me every black eye, every bruised arm, that I had to " beat the crap out" out of the other kids. It wasn't her fault. She was looking out for me, she was making sure I was safe. I wish she would still tell me what to do.
At work, I sit in a world of people of whom I couldn't even begin to understand let alone explain. They are a bunch on their own, living in a world to which any other might not understand. I live as an outsider to this world; A not so gentle observer. I feel like I'm 10 years old again. Not because of the mentality...But rather that I am hit with this feeling of cursing pain. I'm Confused, lost, alone, and angry.

Confused because these are people who will tell you the grass is purple, and swear to it until your purple in the face...Than when you show them the grass...And they see it's green...They will tell you your insane and that they never said it was purple to begin with.

Lost because I'm not used to being seen...And than ignored. In high school, I remember just thinking that I would just NEVER talk, and people would never have to talk to me or be mean because...They don't know who I am. I didn't have to worry about shit like this, because I made it a point not to be seen. When I got to Target...It was different. There where people I Wanted to talk to. There where people who sought out to talk to me ( The few and the awesome). Target made me feel great because I was getting everything I lacked in school! Coolness, happiness....A life.

I feel mostly alone because there isn't anybody who I feel safe going to and saying..." Hey...They are a fucker, help me"! It feels like everybody has a back door that their feeding the neighbors dog through. Nobody can be trusted and that's an awful feeling.

I'm angry even more than alone...Because everything I just said. It makes me angry that it's all true and it makes me angry that I can't do jack shit to make it better for those whom deserve it! Madman, Rosa, and the few and far between cashiers and salesfloor team members whom work their asses off!

So what do I do? Half of me wants to give in, forget everything I've worked to do. Maybe about...25% of me would like to run into these peoples faces and tell them " I've worked to hard, to long to get where I am...And you can NOT make me go anywhere, You better get over what ever you have wrong with me and move on! And than there's the other 25% that makes me want to grab the closest shopping basket and randomly ram it into their car in the parking lot...But thankfully for us, I'm not a violent person...Not yet and not anymore.

I Know!

Rosa's been shot...in the lip

Where I want to be 2

I would pay almost every cent in my account
to be right here now ->

Not myself

Ever feel lonely even though your surrounded by people you want to be with?

Isn't this beautiful? I miss being creative

Again...With the randomness

Two random unrelated things:
cstr141: There's something about a fat old man who wears red velvet rubbing all up against me and making me sit and smile on his lap

Gloria Steinem was the first to say
If the shoe doesn't fit, must we change the foot?

Calling all whom are that bored

I am aching for somebody to talk to. I don't want this " hey, what's up, how's the weather and the kids" talk. I miss the true, deep, thoughtfully conversations I had with people back in high school. Yes, children in high school where more willing to carry on a true conversation than anybody I've been able to find in the past year. It's annoying and sad all in one tragic fault of my own I guess. I've built a life of getting away from who I was...Only to miss it for it's own worth. A lesson of the un-wise.

Comprehension

Do you ever wonder...

• Why you are where you are?
  
• Why your nose seems to " Stuff" up right before you either eat or need to sleep?
  
• What the hell " Taco Bell" means? Because...Is there supposed to be a special bell for tacos??
• Why people say mean things when what they really need...Is somebody to say something nice to make it all better?
• Why people are afraid of "different" Yet are overly comfortable with "New" ?
• Why there is no size 21?
• If there is some sort of map to which side of the rainbow has the gold...Because if you would like to get technical...There are two sides of the rainbow and there are probably people on the other side coming to your side to get the gold...So why not just look on your.......Yes. I'm stopping this one now realizing that I have a half empty bottle of cough syrup next to me!
• Do you ever notice the way your knuckles crease? Because that's something I pay a lot of attention to.
• about Your face? I'm always aware of my face, my lips, my hair...Not to be neurotic...But it's still an off concept to me that people can decide ( People, meaning...How I can too) who I am and what I am worth by the mass of features piled on my neck.
• about silence? In high school...It was my way of controlling my world by Not talking. Now...In life, it seems it's more of an ability to create this elaborate web of what people want to think by just talking talking and talking. I enjoy playing into what people think I am. It's really really sick of me in this aspect. It makes me uncomfortable thinking somebody would be able to be that close to my true thoughts and feelings. I'm not one for being venerable, yet I believe we all are like that in one small way or another.
• if it's them...Not you? I have had some odd thoughts as of late. We all know I'm not thee most confident person alive...But I have had these moments where I'll be talking to a person and they look at me cross...Talk to me like I'm stupid and I'll start to get down about it...Until this idea crosses my mind like a stop sign in the 1am moonlight...It's not me...It's you...You crazy fucker.
• Why good people do bad things? Are they really just bad people than? Or just good people doing bad things? Does that truly mean that thus...There are no true " Bad" people?

signed off at 11:49:35 PM.

Why does it make me want to cry when I start to talk to someone...Like really talk...and they leave? It doesn't make me sad that I can't find somebody to talk to...It's rather, just sad that I thought they where different.I really thought they where different.

You, me, and the world I've chosen to ignore

It's like having your life on hold well your mind plays the " Re-boot" game. It's having the same old conversation with the same people over and over again. I'm young; This is the prime of my life. Doors may be shutting, but windows are ready and open. The world is ready and dripping of the juices of " opportunity"! And here I am, sitting in the middle of a huge swarm of this great majestic life twiddling my thumbs. I have no will to live any longer. And I really have no will to die. I'm tired of the bland taste of stale that has set into my world, however..." Spice" is not what I'm looking for. It's a different taste im craving. It's the feeling of happiness, calmness, relaxation, solitude and warmth. It's the sun on your face a warm golden evening, well your laid out flat in a field of grass that reaches above you and into the sky. It's the thoughts that make you smile and even break a gentle chuckle as you pass through the sun set pinks of the ocean views. It's the feeling of dried salt-water and sand on your toes as you lay dripping into your sand chair. It's these feelings I crave. You, me, and the world I've chosen to ignore.

Try it on me...and you die

Lost between frank and you

It was Ann Frank who said:

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.

So here I am, surching for the last thing that I belive links me to the rest of the population...but I am at a loss.

Some people call fighting in a " war" their civic duty. Some say flying the flag is their " Amrican duty". What I call my american duty is going today to donate blood.

poorness

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo poor. It really sucks

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose." -Robert Byrne

I just am tired. That's all. I wouldn't be sad to had to be alone for a while. Things seems to be swarming over my head and through my life that I can't stop caring about. There's pieces to my life I have to keep putting back together, my family, my job, my friends. I'm the puzzle master here. I'm fixing, re-arranging, moving and fudging parts of my life around to fix everything else around me.

I suck

I've never been so pissed as I am right now! Things are all jacked up at work, at home and now with my phone which says I didn't pay on it so the fuckers turned the service off...Ugh, why the hell am I so poor than? Because I made a $52.00 payment two weeks ago!! More than what the actual bill was FYI. I'm going to raise all kinds of hell at sprint! They do this to me all the time! I'm going to cancel my service and they are going to eat the charges for it because they keep trying to take money from me, now they want $125.00 because they say I didn't pay last month! They can eat shit! I don't think I can get any more depressed than I am this week. Please...make it all just go away! I'll play nice for now on, k?

He had promised me!

Str141: FUCK KAREEM!
Str141: You know what I just realized
Kmayhem213: what
Str141: you did it again!
Str141: I thought we discussed this!
Kmayhem213: what?
Str141: Next time the store is burning down...You weren't going to save it!
Str141: We where going to let it burn!
Str141: Damn you and your morals
Kmayhem213: hahahahahahahahaha I forgot

How I can not Love a person

He walks into the store and says nothing to me.
He says nothing to me, however, he said a lot.
In the fact that he said nothing, I know that he knows exactly what I know.
We keep to ourselves
We keep everything we know, everything we talked about
People have this idea that there is that one person whom they " Love" and whom " loves" them and they are " destine" to be together right?
What about those whom are destine to never be together?
He knows what I say before I say it.
He can tell that I am depressed because he is also.
I know the feelings he feels.
He can say what I can't speak
I fear that we just don't talk to each other because we are too afraid of realizing that all this isn't true
What's odd isn't that we don't talk...But rather that he shows up, when I need him the most.
The feeling of discontent, and loneliness will be almost to much to bare...And than he will be there
His eyes never leaving mine
never looking away
never blinking
not staring, but speaking
Speaking to what I know as his way of saying..." I know, me too".
It's not love that I feel for him. It's not a crush or that kind of affection even. It's just him, and how he makes me feel much more sane than I have felt because he is a good person and to know he knows my darkest secretes...And still can look at me the same way, makes me understand that he understands much more

Love is just what I don't have. Love has been made into something so different in the past couple years. Made different by my family, by this war, by people in generally. It's no longer something that I feel. It's something that's shown. It's something that is package and tested. It's a rose on the bed, it's candy on a birthday, it's taking out the trash and it's not stealing the covers at night. I have been so destine to make love into something I can see and feel that I have practically put a time limit on it. I'm a strong believer in doing what I feel. I have no mental voice that tells me " No" because I have trained myself in one way or another to go with what I feel. Love, life, happiness and even sadness are what I have learned to use. For most, logic and facts are enough to tell them " no" but I wait for that feeling that says..." This isn't right" and the feeling that says " do it anyways". There isn't any formula, idea or package that comes with this method...Just outcomes. I'm waiting for life to tell me that this is ok.

I'm a " Midnight clincher"

I hate being sick because I'm such a baby about it. So on top of my cold ( The same one that everybody else has, but I'm dramatic to it's worse ;) I have my wisdom teeth coming in. DEAR LORD! They are killing me! According to my doctor I'm a " Midnight clincher" and with my sinuses on a hiatus, I'm dyeing.

Our night out on the town!

My sister's party! This is what was in front of her house. It's all much funnier when you realize that " Dave" is her ex-fiance


you've waited long enough, he's me...Sort of!


Why Rosa can't run a Mile

Why my family is evil!

Metamorphosis

Disconnected. Distant from where I have come. Stupid, lame, tired, fustrated, off, sad, mad, excited, mean, rude, ridged, sloppy and just plain over done. I've been disconnected from everything. Everything only because I could not deal with something. I turned off my light, left my mind, and said goodbye to caring for anything again. I decided I was helpless in all, smarter than most, and just plain just " Good enough". It's time I do something about that.

Just shoot me!

I've been thinking a lot about things. One...This mound of candy next to me tells me that I should be ready to for bed...But the clock on the other side of me is begging me... " We have a WHOLE NEW hour coming in tonight Collette...Don't bother!" and thus why I'm sitting here staring at the screen like I was waiting for it to provide some answer for my sleepiness.
Today started out so nice at work. I was soo happy to be opening and the cashiers where great! We played games, got a lot of work done and had total fun doing it! But than things go bad. Another co-worker, another supervisor, decides that she has to leave. Leave? It's ok, because the day before I told her it was okay. Now however, I have huge back up on the lanes and this is the first real rush I've ever dealt with...And apparently I'm supposed to do it alone! Where did she go you ask? Her grandson was getting his pictures taken, so she said she has to be there to make him smile or he won't. This all being done in the mall down the street...1hr you would think? 2.5 hours this takes her and well she's gone I'm left with some of the most crudest nastiest things to have come out of the lanes yet.

1. Shit. Somebody shit all over the bathroom and I had to clean it up. Sure I've meet some poop once before, but this was like no poop before. I tried SO hard not to throw up I gagged myself trying to keep it down I believe I must of pulled some sort of muscle in my stomach, which left me with a odd crinked feeling on me for a while. People all the while are SCREAMING about how I can't " Just shut the bathroom" And that it's " Against the law" balh balh blah...I just laughed and was all...." Somebody had a rather large and messy accident that has spread three stalls over, Your welcome to go right in...( Holding the door open just enough to where they could see the nice log like item that was chilling smack dab in the middle of the restroom.)" Sure enough, 1-2 people pushed me out of the way to get to the open stall telling me that " You can't keep me from the bathroom, MOVE" which I almost thought was funny...Almost.

2. The cashiers are nice for the most part...But there are those whom I want to strangle because apparently I have NO CLUE how to do my job and they must tell me. This occurs every guest, every question, every glance there way...I'm doing " It' all wrong"

3. Three guests from HELL! One whom told me to my face that I was a " Lieing BITCH" and another whom wrote a two page complaint about a team member and myself, and than yelled at me for 10 min when I refused to reprimand the employee in front of her.

3. I burned myself so badly on my bath wither, that I have blisters on my toes.

4. The co-worker from hell Whom shall be referred to as " Gstl-zilla" took it upon herself ( Herself being a team member who hasn't even worked for target 5 months) to train me on basic cashiering and other basic knowledge I didn't know because apparently I was and am stupid up to this point. Well all...You know, I'm my two years at Target, through all 8 departments I've trained and worked in...I never know that Saturday's where busy, and Oh my gosh! Did you know that there are things known as " Bursts" of guests? Sometimes it's busy in the store....Sometimes it's not! Aghhh! EVERYTHING she said today, she just told me flat out that I don't know what I'm doing! She tells me that " Your doing it all wrong, if your even doing it at all apparently!" I just wanted to yell and scream in her face.." HELLO!!! DO YOU SEE ANYBODY HELPING ME WITH THIS SHIT??? DO YOU SEE SKIP STANDING HERE NEXT TO ME TO ANSWER QUESTIONS?" but I didn't yell at her. I asked calmly what I did wrong, and asked her to help me through some of the things I was un-aware of. After being lectured again on my age and how this " Un-responsible" behavior comes with being 19, I decided to call it a night...Only to be dead tired and run out of gas on my way home!

So it seems

I've lost. I've been fighting a losing battle. The same battle that has my mother thinking I'm either lesbian or just very much screwed up. Ok, I give in! I GIVE IN! Dates, crushes, the whole 9-yards, you got em, I date em. Ok? Just remember to tell my mom!

I had to

So Collections readers

In one random blog search...I find the object of my childhood dreams! You know the one! The one actor, person, whom you have a very nice " Crush" on? Well, what would yoooou do to find out that your favorite TV actor was addicted to blogging? You would promote his site up the yen yang correct? So Collections readers, I always thought that Wil Wheaton

Was not only a great actor, and a great guy, but very cute! haha. Yes...It is odd, because if you know me you would know that I'm not one for the fit and skinny type!

Tears

I watch as he throws himself into a fit of rage. His arms tense up, he punches me, he punches things, he hits himself and I loose what ever mind I had on the situation. I don't know what to say, what to do, where to go and all I can see is this beautiful little boy crying beneath me with tears his father has created.

Kerrey

This was just too plain funny to not post

Bored

I keep staring at this empty white screen. Staring thinking, what can I not say? What can I not do today? I'm bored. I'm tired. I have to work. The sadness in that last statement is slowly seeping in.

To become a father is not difficult, but to be a father is

I don't understand some peoples logic. It fails to pass even the obvious logic tests and yet... They hold their ideas in the light for " all" to marvel in.
The simple nature of a child is enough to make you think twice about your actions. Who is to speak for the one man who doesn't see this? Is it my place, my right, my duty to speak up on how a person is to raise their child? Who is the man who would never even sit and watch a movie with his child? Things like, responsibility, duty, honor, these words don't mean anything the this man. He wakes up in the morning and realizes that his life is already perfect, yet it is everybody else who needs to change. It's this man who would put his girlfriends head through the wall one day, than sit with her family and cuddle her endearingly the next day. It's this man who beliefs he owns all with out dropping a tear, when others whom have worked their entire lives...And whom never stake claim to the respect and honor that they deserve.
It's not the fact that he won't sit and watch Scooby with his son, it's not the fact that he doest love his mother, it's the fact that his son knows he doesn't love him and that's what's wrong. Fuck the father and fuck the mother, they shouldn't of had a child, but oh while! It's a little to late for that wish! He's here, he's beautiful and fuck me if his own flesh and blood doesn't love him. That pain is larger than any toy, larger than any hug, Larger than any kiss, and larger than any mother; and who's job is it to be to make sure the little boy sleeping so adorable with his little blanket and stuffed dinosaur isn't the one who feels this pain of having nothing where something should always be? I'm more than here

Pumpkin carving is the best!

This is my creation...Spooky? Not so much...Time consuming...Very!

Enough said

Family has the great nack for making you want to crawl into a large hole and not come back out again.

Enough said

Family has the great nack for making you want to crawl into a large hole and not come back out again.

Ewww

Ive never felt sooo sick in my life. No joke, I feel like dyeing

Noticing the U2 in the u2busse

Rosa would KILL for this pumpkin

All that you see or seem, is but a dream within a dream-Edgar Allan Poe

There was a time, a while back, that I was having these very disturbing dreams. Nightmare if you want. They eventually went away as time went on, but apparently they have come back. By disturbing...I mean, blood, gore, death, murder, hate, and most times end up with me waking up in tears. I've tried sleeping more, thinking it was a deprived kind of thing, yet it was not. Last night it was Rosa being defaced by a stranger that helped up pull our car out of the river. I first fed her to the alligators...Than left her alone with some strange guy to be...It's to sick for even my taste to write about. But the point is that I can't sleep. Last night's was the sickest. It seems like everybody I know was there. I wish I could write some more but I must go get ready.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time. It is 1/100 of a second

It is estimated that the average person living in North America opens the fridge 22 times daily..

In the famous words of Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell, "_____, we have a problem." Lovell's actual words were "Houston, *we've had* a problem."


Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream company gives their ice cream waste to the local Vermont farmers who use it to feed their hogs. The hogs seem to like all of the flavors except Mint Oreo.

The banana is the world's largest herb.


One job that actor Brad Pitt held before he became famous was that of a costumed chicken for El Pollo Loco restaurant.

The number of hamburgers the McDonald’s fast-food chain has sold is 12 times the world's total population.

I'm blog whipped

31.25 %

My weblog owns 31.25 % of me.
Does'>http://wannabegirl.org/quiz/owned/">Does your weblog own you?

Vacation: Day 5

Yes that is a sock on my shelf. I got ready quite quickly this morning!


Isn't this pretty? It's in my back yard! It's part of a wind chime



Remember how excited I was to have a tub again? Our bathroom is still very much NOT finished!

Break Away

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away

Candy

I really want a snickers right now.

(IM BORED)

I need to stop eating (IM BORED)
Get out of my pajamas
Do my hair
Get some makeup on (Why not? I am after all bored)
Go get Rosa
Stop watching the Makeover story marathon and try to stay away from all versions of Star Track!
Get my ass outside for some Sunshine and lounging nature style

FYI

For some added interest I guess one might say... 3.08% of Collections viewers...Are in Singapore and 15% live in Australia. Just in case you needed to know

I would say it's depressing

I would say it's depressing reading my old journals...But that's really not the word I am looking for. On a scrambled, ripped paper shoved in the middle of March 20th, 2000 and June 1st, 2000 is a list a 16 year old Collette created. A list that mostly was created in vain...Slightly made in curiosity and hidden with deep fear of what the future held.
She writes a list of............Wants.
A list of what she wished the future to hold for her
what she wanted from the world she felt that owed her so much more than what had been given
A list that asks that she finds her happiness before she's 20,
find love in a different way than what she already know was possible
believe in what she thought she was
understand where she belongs
Live life in any other way than what she already was...

Is it depressing? No
Is it inspirational? Maybe
Is it confusing how I have lost that curiosity? Yes

Languid

languid
DEFINITION: (adjective) without energy; slow, sluggish, listless
EXAMPLE: The hot, humid weather of late August can make anyone feel languid.
SYNONYMS: apathetic, dull, lethargic

you're mostly overwhelmed with despair

You're The Sound and the Fury!

by William Faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips
with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue,
but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard
time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant
anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Rabbits?

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Why Rosa is my friend and not yours!

U2busse: I love your justification of us dropping out of college with that blog comment, lmao
Str141: hahahahahahahaha
Str141: I thought it was good

He's lucky We don't have cubicles!

Kmayhem213: you should be able to tell which one is my desk
Str141: hahaha,
do you still have your award on it?
Str141: I bet that makes for a real nice
conversation starter
Kmayhem213: not telling
Str141: hahahha
Kmayhem213: lol
Str141: I was in there with dwayne once and he was
looking at it oddly
Kmayhem213: hahahahahaha
Kmayhem213: what did he
say?
Str141: nothing, what do you say " Hey, kareem's ass won an award?"
Kmayhem213: lol
Str141: he just kinda looked over there...Maybe he
didn't notice...Most likely he did...It's hard to miss
Kmayhem213: lol

When I worked in the office still, I was asked to clean out one of our supply closets. In this closet I found these Huge trophy's that the store had won. I was told the throw them out...Which was a shame. So I went out in search of something creative to do with them! Vanessa, one of the other Guest service Team Leaders Suggested we give it to somebody as a joke. After thinking long and hard, we remembered that a well known sore spot for Kareem was that well we where @ the aids walk in San Francisco some transvestite yelled out something to the effect of Kareems ass was " Booteylisious". Never never will we let him live it down and that's where the award came in. We pulled out the labeler and got to work. Thus he now owns a nice trophy which resides on his desk. I'm sure We could of been fired for that one! Who can say sexual harassment?

The problem, The BIG problem

I don't have boy issues...I have family issues! Because I talk to a guy doesn't mean I'm having an affair, and because I don't want a boyfriend DOESN'T mean I Have problems! Maybe I just want to run my own life! Maybe I just want some " Collette" time opposed to " Relationship" time. I would love go out, find somebody, hang out, do all the girly things...But I can't. Everybody and their mother wants me to go out with somebody, why? WHY you all want me to be hooked up and gone? I've never seen a happy couple yet...When I see one...Maybe I'll think about it.

Is that such a crime?

I'm going to be a big Girl and make Rosa very happy.
I might be...Some what...Slightly smitten.
And when I say slightly...I pretty much mean, I like him, he doesn't like me, and I for some reason still don't care! Because he's got this "I'm a geek hard core, clueless and lame" thing working for him very much so. Don't get to excited people! I'm not one for looks and I often don't hunt down the "hotties" or make decisions based on ones appearance, so we wont go there! But...I don't know anymore past this point. I already know he's not interested. And I'm not smitten enough to follow this through any further...But I'm totally loving thinking about how adorable he is sometimes. Is that such a crime?

nervous ill feeling

I have this nervous ill feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Target is sending me out for three days to Eureka To help with the store opening down there. Sometimes I often take a long look at myself and wonder...What have I gotten myself into this time? However, even with all the doubt...I'm very excited about going out there...It's such a beautiful drive and town! All 5hr of the drive that is.

What the hell is your worry?

Why don't I listen to myself?

Sublime
It's the one quick glance of something bigger and whatever your suffocating your world with, seems to disappear. It's more than confusing when you try to trick yourself into believing that you need whatever you are holding on to. Be it a life you hate, an understanding you just don't, or a job that you know you must leave. It all seems so small and unimportant as I watch my nephew squirm under the tapes view. Cute little bugger. Small little arrows to anote the 10 toes, 10 fingers, and one proclaiming " I'm a boy!" I feel, happiness. Just simple happiness. I keep thinking about the problems I'm trying to drown myself with, and the only answer I can come up with is, What the hell is your worry? Get over it, it's nothing big, shut your face, and go back to chatting it up about the jc lovers you want with Rosa!

The word uck and the letter f

Ever know something is wrong? But you can't help but think of it all the time? Know something is soo wrong it's almost a joke...Yet mostly not? Yeah. It's slightly funny...But mostly not anymore.

Hahahahahahahaha

That break in sanity was brought to you by the word uck and the letter f

like most things

Life, like most things, has it's up's and it's downs.

upside:
*Madman is coming back tonight
*retarded people quit work today
*The Rent is making Stuffed bell Peppers for dinner! My favorite thing in the world is a bell pepper BTW!
*Rosa and I shall hang out again today
*Payday is this week!

Downside:
*I prolly have to go into work tomorrow
*I have to work a crazy ass schedule this week
*I have to drop my most favorite class tomorrow
*I have class tomorrow
*My raise still hasn't been entered into the computer

Either I'm a very lonely person, or I'm completely anti social

I'm realizing things in myself. Things like, when I get sick, I also get very depressed. Not to worry. I'll be fine, but there are things that I am slowly learning from this " Sickness".
1. Either I'm a very lonely person, or I'm completely anti social. People seem to love the idea of " Setting me up" with someone. My mom, my sister's, co-workers, friends, they all have somebody in mind for me. Sometimes the idea seems rather appealing...But than on other days, I just tell myself " No way!" Like I can't handle another person at this time. I carry enough of peoples problems at home and than hear about them all day at work, it just feels like I've even lost myself in the mix.
2. Why am I still siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick?
3. I haven't felt like myself in a very long time. Who I have felt like...I'm not sure. Maybe a cross between a bitch, and a overly emotional Girl.

4. My ideas, my thoughts, my life, it feels like things are shut down and running on back up generators. When will it stop?

5. Things have progressively gone from bad, to worse, to " I can't take this much longer", to " I'm running away from home to Japan" than to " Fuck it! I can't wait to save the money for Japan because I hate It here so much I'm going to live In Japan town in New York", to " Know any good bridges?"

6. I used to think that my problem was not talking things out with people, but now I realize...I just want to keep my mouth shut because it's less talking I actually have to do with other people and that to me, is a good thing.

So like I said, I'm trying to train

So I did get dropped from that class. I spoke to the teacher and after realizing that I hadn't passed the first exam with flying colors I decided to drop. Thus no health insurance, which is nice, because I do believe I'm getting the flu. How nice. Oh, and yes, my mother did kill me. I need to move out. Not because I " hate my parents" or anything like it, I'm just nearing the end of my happiness here. I figure, pay off all my bills, pay off my car and move out. If I can accomplish that in a more timely manner than I have before...Than who's to complain, but we all know how I am on saving money!
How was training? Besides the random hot other Team Leads (Who turned out to be rude as hell!) It was just like a day in my store. Things where quite dead and I was left in charge of the Guest Service Team. Which for some reason, at the Napa Store is like 5 people! At my Santa Rosa store, it's usually 1 sometimes 2 people. So There I was, standing with these 5 Brand New Team Members. All of which I can't even pronounce their names! Jacnicuata? Something or another, LOL. So like I said, I'm trying to train them because they all where extremely fresh off of the street and wheren't even trained right. So I'll start talking to them and there where two who refused to listen to me. I spoke with them about it, and realized maybe it's not my place to be doing this at their store...So I get another team lead. I ask him if when he speaks with the two that I could be there to see how it was done...After all I'm training! So what does he do? He takes the guy outside and doesn't tell me squat! I felt like such an outsider. I would try to follow one of the team leads around, kinda as to shadow them, and he tells me to " Just....Go to guest service" Ok...So I'm training guest service. Bulllllll shiiiiiit. I dislike the idea of ever going back..Which I now have to do. I was wrong about the whole thing, I like the drive...As long as I don't get lost...However, I dislike the training...If that's what you want to call it!

Maybe!

I feel like crap and I believe I mostly know why. I believe it's because I'm incredibly tired and I know that I wont be getting any sleep until tonight. This being because I must go to not only school today, but than over to Napa after school. Which really bites. I hate making that drive. What I'm fearing the most is the drive BACK. It's going to be @ midnight or so, pitch black, and I'll be alone. I hate driving at night let alone LATE and I'm Guessing I'll be exhausted. This really fucking sucks! I still feel sick.
Maybe it's because of school. I missed class Monday and I realize that, there's like a 10% chance that I'm going to pass this class! It pisses me off that I haven't at least tried, but I'm so far behind and between work, and school, and home, I don't think I can do it! The downsides of me dropping this class are that I will be dropped from my parents insurance. Not only that but I will be put on academic probation because I've dropped and failed more than a few classes in my years at the J.C. Than to top it all off...My mom will kill me. So what am I going to do? Look up and check when the last day to " Withdraw" a class is, maybe I haven't passed it and I can still do that. That means I can just back out and not get an f in the class. Than I'll look up ways to make up the 3 units I'm already missing. Than I'll try to convince Rosa and Heath to drive down to napa to drive back with me! Maybe!

One day the store will stumble upon this

Today was supposed to be the first day I was to be in the New Napa Store training for my new position. As I believe I had said before the Napa Store is new...Not like only been open for a few weeks...But as in...Opens tomorrow. So I drove my ass all the way down there only to be told to come back tomorrow. Napa from here is what makes out to be 1.5hr drive. That just pissed me off. How can the executives of such a large store not have their shit together? Oh yeah...Easy, It's Target. I forgot.
Haha, I just realized...One day the store will stumble upon this and fire my ass because I am what they would call a liar, and what I would call truthfully. We shall see.

Sorry it had to be you

I am cold all the way to my core.
I am still shaking out of pure numbness.
Why did I sit out in the middle of a park for 2hr telling Rosa how fucked up I am?
Oh yeah...because I am.
I feel better now.
I'm sorry.

Nobody is safe!

Not the dingos eh? I guess hedge is doing his workaholic thing too.

I will learn to say NO!

It's Monday. Which means Three things.
1. I have school Today ( yet I am not going)
2. I have to go to work even though today is my day off.
3. Tomorrow I have to go to help in the Napa Store with it's opening and than for my supervisor training.

I need to get a lot of shit done today! Like getting my oil changed and than going in to work early and getting out early also! I make a promise to myself right here that I won't let my workaholic attitude keep me there more than 8 hours today. I will not let anybody else add more work than I already have to my plate and I will learn to say NO!

Shout...Shout....Let it out!

I'm in love! You all MUST get this Cd! He opened for Tears For Fears and I am equally impressed my his music as I was by the masters of Tears for Fears! That's a great accomplishment!

How fitting

Excuse the Dust well we do some mental maintenance

It often feels like I don't have control. Every word, every movement is another cut into my sanity that ultimately drives me further into this place where all I can think of is " Getting Out" as if it where some fake place or hold, that I could slip out of into where life is perfect and real. The feeling of ultimate rage begins with words I don't mean to people whom have incompetent notions as to what is going on. This followed by the feeling like...Things need to get better or else the shit is going to hit the fan and I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up from that again. And than there's the even better feeling of " Why do I try!" because once I pick my life back up and become comfortable in the place I seem to be stuck...Things shift and I feel ill again. And that's where I am again, today, everyday, forever on or so it seems. So when you see me tomorrow, next week, never, don't bother to add to my all ready messy sense of self, just excuse me well I do some mental maintenance.

now-er

Str141: ive never ment this more than now:
Str141: I want to get the fuck out of here

I couldn't figure out where my weight was coming from...

Str141: Im eating a cookie that's bigger than my head
U2busse: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA mmmmmmm, cookie

beliefs of beauty?

I have the Bi-polar self image I guess. Some Day's, I don't understand such a silly concept. Who cares how I wear the hair? It's just something there to keep my head warm. My cloths? Also just another formality to which I owe society ( Not to say if given the option I would strip, I indeed would not!). It amazes me how people can base who I am, on what I look like. She's wearing blue jeans! That must mean she's a bad person...Because those are out of fashion!
Yet like I said...There's two sides to this whole idea. I do hate being consumed in the idea of " My Image" but I am. I sit at work all day where I'm surrounded by people who openly admit that they make way more money than they should for what they are doing * which (Because I'm a bitch) I often openly agree with them. These people are people who believe hard labor is changing the toner in the fax machine and that I must do it because they " Could just never figure out such a silly contraption". Working hard to me is getting the job done at any cost, If I break a nail...First I would wonder where I got said nail considering I don't have any, and than I would get over it because you can't really lift 50lbs boxes with claws coming off your hand. These people sit in the office ordering shoes out of catalogs because " Have you ever seen the inside of the mall!" and complement me on " Looking better" than yesterday. So I don't do my hair before I come to work! So it's washed, clean and out of my face! What more can you ask for? I'm a simple kind of person! Where it gets me is when I begin to become involved in this sick ritual! I take one look at myself and think..." What the hell am I doing? I look like trash!" It's a sick feeling to live as if one wasn't good enough for the " In" Crowed...But than there are those who subscribe to the idea that there is only a " Cool crowed" in the minds of those who must belong. Where do I belong? Am I over analyzing things as I often do? Or is it really that we must " Subscribe" to the same beliefs of beauty?

I told you what?

Str141: I think your liking this blogging thing ;-)
Kmayhem213: i am working on another one now
Str141: soon you'll find yourself muttering...." I gotta blog this"
Kmayhem213: lol
Str141: hahahahahahahahahahahha, I told you so!
Kmayhem213: you were right

Slightly Bedraggled

Have you ever found a place you just seem to...Fit in to? A place where your thoughts seem suddenly clearer yet less important? Stearing at the waves crash over the rocks out in bodega bay is where I run to when things are getting hazy. It may be pitch black, freezing cold, but the sounds, smells and feelings seem to carry what I can't remember from sight. I realized out there tonight that I'm not really happy, Not even remotely happy anymore. It may be work and it may be home, but I find myself daydreaming more than once about traveling to some far off place, away from anything retail or Howell. Do I feel slightly like a bad person for wanting to ditch my life as it is rather than work to make it better....Yeah, but right now, I'm not excatly sure if I can handle dealing with anything.

The other kind of life

It would be a lie to say that im happy where i'm at. However i still have this feeling somewhere in me that's telling me that to be happy isn't the point here. Not at this time at least. What does that really mean? I don't know. Yet it's what keeps me waking up in the morning.

Promotion

UPDATE: You all suck on the " Guess what" game! Rather than you guessing I'll just tell you now. Remember how I always complained about watching the lanes and bitched that it wasn't my job? It was the supervisors job and I didn't get paid for it? Well now I can't do any of that. Hahahha, Today I went to assessments which roughly translates to " Sit here and be made a blubbering fool of". After they " asses" me they than call the store and tell them wither I passed or not. I was so sure that I had horribly failed. HORRIBLY! But just as I was going home to puke from the suspense...The Store manager walked up and shook my hand and said " congratulations" I can't even explain the exact thought in my head at that time. It was something like..." WawhooO/ Oh shit...Really?" I can't even begin to wonder what I have gotten myself into! We will see next week if I'm still alive and standing. I think what makes me feel the best is that the people I look up to the most in that store...Rather in my life, where happy that I made it. I owe so many people for helping me to get me this far. All of the other Guest Service Team Leads, The other half of the "Triplets", some random friends, and the madman all put up with trying to convince me I could move up....mwhahaha, now they must life with their mistake! Haha, your own damn fault! I don't want to hear any belly aching when I become known as the bitch of the store k?

NEWS FLASH

I just may have explosive news to come in the near week! EXPLOSIVE as in...Has been coming for a long time now! haha, kudos to the person who guesses first.

U2busse: i am blogging

Str141: i have already done so

U2busse: sweet

U2busse: That post is not satisfactory. More meat, please.

Damn car payments

Tomorrow is payday! Enough said! Today I am negative $3 which is extremely sad! But tomorrow I shall be rich...For something like 2 seconds...Than poor again.

It's been a while hasn't it? Time has not been on my side as of late. I've been pulling 12-14 hour days at work all because our time clock went down and that required a lot of paperwork on the clerical side. How is my new department? Eh.
What does " Eh" involve? Eh covers the idea that it's a completely new department...Like no other in the store. Eh covers the fact that I am not really trained for the shit they are throwing at me and I'm completely unable to cope with the change from, Guest oriented service to Boss oriented service. Working out on the sales floor where I deal with guests on a minute to minute basis and only seeing the bosses when I fuck up is a lot different than becoming the bosses bitch. How long will this horrible feeling I have in the pit of my stomach last?
Besides work...I haven't really had a moment to myself...Or my family for a while. Today I went and got a haircut. That makes me feel a little bit better. But I am still feeling uncomfortable at work and alas..That sets the rest of my life off balance.

Isso

dissonance
DEFINITION: (noun) lack of music harmony; lack of agreement between ideas
EXAMPLE: Most modern music is characterized by dissonance, which many listeners find hard to enjoy. There is a noticeable dissonance between two common beliefs of most conservatives: their faith in unfettered free markets and their preference for traditional social values.
SYNONYMS: cacophony, discord, harshness

Sour what biotch?

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

Mommy wow! Im a big Kid Now!

Being the complete juvenile that I am...Cut class today...Again. This is all ok though...Because I'm dropping the class and getting another class for later so I don't have any credit loss. I'm just too tired and it's too much stuff to handle all at once. I am SOOOOOOOOO tired. I think Im going to take a quick 15-20 min nap right now, let my hair dry, rest. The question is...Sleep...Or math homework? Hahahahaha, SLEEP! See ya'll later!

I smell

I hate having to do stuff...I'd rather not do. Well...that was very well said collette...don't we all!

Photowhat?

Haha, I haven't posted in a real long time. It feels like I've been at work for the entire week. I might as well start to camp there seeing as I never get to stay home as often as I used to. I'm setteling well into my new position. I get to go out of the store for official training next week and am very excited about that. All in all...Nothing new as of yet. OMG! I lie! Today I got a completely un-official offer to move to another part of the store...Not even part of the store come to think of it...It's for a independent contractor and I would be a manger making $4 more than I already do now...Guaranteed 40hr! NICE! I could total move out on that...Well...Maybe, at least pay off my car and get some shit rolling that I have wanted to for some time now. Like...MOVE OUT. Hahahahah....hahahahaha...hahahahahahaha

Forgetting

I haven't gotten a comment in ages. Just to let you all know. I'm feeling a little unloved. We already know hedge is gone forever but what happened to all my friends...Oh yeah! I don't have any! Ha, forgot!

Funnies

Which prescription drug is best for you? Stratera You can't sit still or pay attention to things long. Either that or you are overweight and want to suppress your appetite with Stratera.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

What 80`s movie are you? Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

lol

I AM 47% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me. Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

Psych1a Math150a and life 101

I have to make this post quick! I've been home alone for the past weekend and now that my parents are back...The place is trashed and as soon as my mom gets home my ass is going to be busted! LOL, So here I am, speed typing trying to remember all the things that happened today. I went back to school, by now I guess you could call me a sophomore in College and that makes me not even happy but proud. Proud that I have made it way past anything I thought I could. I'm lovin my classes so far, I have a media Class on Mass communication...Which is going to be AWESOME! It discusses Media and how it interprets things, pretty much why we do the things we do...Things like " Why do I need the backpack with JANSPORT on it instead of the one with SportLike on it? Why do I need a Hummer and not a Civic?" It's all something that interests me. Than I have a psychology class...Which is going to be nice! Not only is Rosa in there with me...But I already know a lot of what we are going to cover because in high school I took a class in which the teacher ROCKED and taught in the same style as a college Course...Note to self: Don't forget to email the old psych teacher and Thank him!

Good

Oasis
» Wonderwall

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Tiki Mist

School starts tommorow, 7am. Enough said

Target Drama. Learn that, remeber it. That's going to be detailed onto my gravestone. Remember when I got all upset about that one lady getting the supervising job over me? Well she is now saying things behind my back...wich really hurts, not because I care what she says...but the fact that I've worked my hardest on being civil with her. I know what management is waiting for is me to snap and go off on her and my ass would be fired...but apparently she can go around saying everything about me and nothing will happen.

One to those things

So many things have happened in the past few weeks. Some good, Some bad. For the most part, life has taken it's course and surprised me with many things. One of these " things" being a new job offer with an ex-supervisor of mine. She called me up and told me she had 2 positions she needed to fill and that she would like for me to come down and apply. This of course making me feel great considering the last time I had seen her was months earlier and the fact that she kept me in mind made me believe in my work. After spending a small fortune on clothes to get the interview, I realized today that I'm not ready to leave Target. People have a funny way of suprising me. Yesterday, I being left in charge of the front lanes to supervise well the Team leads go out on a Team Outing, begin to wonder...Where is this all taking me? Sure I can have one snazy resume...But this store is taking advantage of me. I do a lot for Target. I am cross trained in almost every department on the front lanes and now clerical...So why am I not a team lead? About once or twice a day I have other Team leads coming up to tell me that I got " Jipped" When it came to the promotions... I know I did, But a part of me still beliefs that I didn't. I do work hard. I do know a lot about the store and it's team members. However, do I have what it takes to be a Leader? I have always been borderline team leader on everything I have done. In high school I was almost part of the Team leaders or tomorrow program...almost, I was almost in Leadership...almost and even at my last job, I was left in charge often, yet never promoted. So is it me? Or is it everybody else? Am I just destine to be borderline Leader? assistant to the great ones? Or even worse...Borderline good, jumping between horrible and helpful? This must be one of those things in life where it must play out to be told correctly.
More suprising things being my friends. ( She might kill me for this, yet I have this feeling like typing things out might make me figure my feelings out even further...So she'll get over it) So we all know the story and for those who don't here it is: Rosa and I met @ Target. I had been working there for not to long when She started. I know who she was because she also went to Elsie, the same high school as me. For one reason or another we started talking and I dragged her to a play one night, and ever since than, we've been like two fires in a fat man's hand(inseparable for you skinny people ) . We only ever had one or two arguments, not even worthy of being called fights for memory's sake, yet even than, we did everything together. I needed a haircut? Call Rosa, because she'll go too! Need to clean my car out? Call Rosa. She needs to get a doughnut? Call Collette! We finished each other's thoughts and often if not always could completely understand each other's garbled definitions of feelings. She graduated High school and So did I, and even though, not at the same time, we both felt the happiness that each other felt. And that's who we where. People know us by " Collette And Rosa" there was no other choice...Well maybe " Rosa and Collette" and sometimes ( Heath) but it was always us two. So why am I suddenly lost? That's what it feels like. Like I was in a coma at sometime and forgot all the little quirks that make her. I don't know where I'm going when I'm going to see her anymore. I know it's silly of me, but it's also very scary. It's not a dark feeling, rather a feeling of stun and amazement. Things we both say now are suprising to me now. I find the jeyoulsy spilling out in my words makes not only others sick, but myself. However, I do also see the side of Rosa to leave that makes me sad. She's no longer that shy, geeky, girl. She's grown beyond me and I don't always understand the things she says, or is feeling, because I myself haven't even experienced them. Love, boys and all things Poplular are what it seems I was never apart of. With her I was apart of NOT being apart of those people. Now she has her in and I'm standing at the door waving by to her childhood and looking my own in the face wondering when I might become one of the cool kids also? A self confessed shut in, and a geek hardcore, are what I still closely tie my name in with. And once more I have to ask myself, Why am I so damn lost when it comes to change? Why can't I except it for what it is and whom it has claimed? Am I just another lame girl who will live in the 90's forever? Will I begin to play the keyboard with my Cats? Start naming them Rosa, Heath and Wren? I don't want to start nitting little outfits for the Kitty puppet shows that I might one day produce quite yet, but I also don't want to be liquored up laying naked on a bar somewhere else. I just want to feel not so lost and like...I actually know where I'm going in life. I want to know that I haven't started to fall into that scary abyss that we like to call Dated and know that one day, I will become all that I need to be....Sane.

Public Service fucking Note!

There are some seriously twisted, fucked up, nasty people in this world. I never realized how close they where. I never realized how deceiving they could be. I never realized that I would be such a fool for their cruel jokes. I don't have tolerance for people who say rude/crude things to me...I have even less tolerance for people who intionaly harm others and people who hate others because the color of their skin. Sick comment's about children's color or ethnicity...Will get your Nazi ass kicked out of my car. Just take fucking note of that.

YoHoo and the Whale philosophy

There are very few places in America that you can take 20 min. Out of your day and make it out to the beach. Rosa and I did that today! Also an un-common thing is a friend who would be willing to go out into a semi crowded beach, and pass out on towels because you just kinda want a "Lil Nap". Beached wale comments aside, we where snozin out in Bodaga for a while and than drove our tired asses back to Santa Rosa...Where I believe not only myself took another nap. HEY! We're stocking up for the week of work ahead! I haven't had to work in three days and it's been beautiful. I can feel my senses coming about me again, and once more...I am slighty happy. God...I'm such a fatty because not only did Rosa buy me a very large breakfast this morning...I had a massive YoHoo and than some Canadian Water, and low and behold...I am Hungary again! Maybe I'll make my friend go with me to In & Out tonight! LOL, for once I am going to hang out with somebody other than Rosa on a Friday night...That's weird for me!

No more

Reading was always a passion of mine. So was family time and my nice random trips to the beach to take pictures. What happened to that? I got to busy and wrapped up in the madness of school and work. I'm so stupid! I ask why I'm so unhappy. It's as easy as that. I've been so damn depressed lately I can't even begin to describe it. It's a feeling that I've horribly screwed up somewhere or have already missed what chance I have to be happy. Noooo more mofo. I'm going to bed.

okay?

I miss the good ol days.

Sometimes

Sometimes I have songs that just play over and over in my head when I'm thinking about things. It's just something that helps me calm down and put things into perspective. Today...It's the Adams Family theme song. Let that tell you about my day okay?

Confusion!

I'm sooooo confused! So So So confused!

It's still late or early?

Two hours of sleep is all that I need. Well...apparently so! As Rosa mentioned, we didn't do much sleeping last nite, none at all to be excat. And after work I came home, napped for 2 hr and than here I am...Sitting online at 2:10am again. I don't know what it is...but I just can't sleep for the life of me. It's a medical issue...and if not...it might become one real soon. Did I ever mention that I don't want to go to work tommorow?

When I dream...I dream of these!

The reviews

When I get extremely bored I surf. I surf the highway...And the lowway. There are many things on the internet in which keep my interest...Finding them is just more difficult than you would think. So here today, I start the great Collette plan to review some of the great "boredom Busting" sites that I have found. In no piticular order! 
1.  The case Of Crabs a interesting game that requires you to use your wit to solve the case of the counterfeit crabs. A+ for great humor and creativity!

2. suicide Bob: because killing people...Shouldn't be this fun...But it is. Maybe we'll call it a healthy release of anger? A for the guts to make such a game.

3. Bubble wrap: Now...When I was a kid, we would argue over who got to pop the bubble wrap.  My mother would always step in and take it from us. So when We did get to pop it...it was like a second Christmas.

4. skeleton: It's a skeleton you can contort into all sick positions...What more can you ask for when your bored out of your mind? * * * three stars for keeping me entertained longer  than four minutes.

5.  Piss drunk: Now...I haven't been piss drunk before... I haven't been drunk at all! So playing this game is like a little edacational lesson! C for being to damn hard to keep my interest....But A for being creative!

6. Paintball Stress reliever: stressed? Why not shoot things

7.  Name that beard: hahahahahaha.....hahahahahha.........hahahaha......

8. Create a snowflake: This....This is awesome!

I don't think I can handle Rosa having a boyfrind. It's hard, i don't really know why. I started thinking about it. It's like...the only time I was ever really this lonely was before I met Rosa. Once I became friends with her, I forgot that horrible feeling. I never really had a best friend. She's the one of the bunch that could handle my crazy crap. And this is'nt ment to make her feel bad or beg her to dump her fatty lover ( You don't realize how that's not an insult)! I do want, to not be the one in the group that is alone. It's like...call Rosa, she's with Jon, Call heath...he's with chris! We all do go out in groups, and Rosa and I still chillax...but I have to share and I've never been good at that. I suck at sharing actualy. I practily can't do it. But fuckers...im all aloooooooone! There's no spell check on this fucker and I'm way to tired to keep myself from posting this. I'll come back later.

No, it's nothing to do with the fashion police

Maybe we shouldn't spend so much time as to accommodate a problem...When we could try solving it first.

I should get me a rememberball

I was supposed to do something...But I don't remember what. Couldn't of been that important hugh?!

I was told you can't leave children in the car on hot day's

At first I Just started one big long entry...but than i decided that I was really tired and shouldnt be blogging under certin cercomstances. Yet here I go trying to waste time untail somebody comes online for I wont be so sleepyish. I'm on the internet...and I'm all alone! This can't be safe! I'm going to bed you bitches!

We shall go again

Freaky!

Um...Not to sound frightened or anything...But we haven't heard from Hedge In HELLLLLLLLA long. Maybe he was attacked and injured in some horrible Dingo incident...We may never know!

Kurt or Mike?

I am thee official Bingo queen! I won two times tonight when we went out to Monto Rio With some co-workers. I had thee funniest time. It was a lot more fun than I expected. Rosa, Heath and myself went out looking damn good in Heaths new truck. Which Is real sexy...And I can say that because I have no interest in Heath that way ;) I came out with $1 more than I went in! Haha, big winnings! Now I'm just here chilling with my Bartles & James Melon Splash Malt Wine Cooler thinking about all these stupid boys people have " Great Ideas" about for me. There is a co-worker that would like to set me up with this guy he knows named *Kurt and Rosa being...Rosa wants me to go out with him because her " interest/ Friend" is also named Kurt. Than another coworker ( Everything revolves around that store) wants to set me up with a guy named *Mike...Which is funny because his name Is also Mike. So It will either be Mike and Mike or Kurt and Kurt. Hilarious. Plain and simple...I feel like a reject because here are all these people trying to set me up like I'm some stupid ass loser! I am...But I enjoy Hiding that from people!

oh really

juxtapose
DEFINITION: (verb) to put side by side
EXAMPLE: It was strange to see the old-time actor Charlton Heston and rock icon Bob Dylan juxtaposed at the awards ceremony.
SYNONYMS: accompany, compound, unite

Damn

Let it be known...Target has jipped me again on my paycheck. This is nothing out of the ordinary. It sucks for them, because they are so close to being a perfect company!

I want

I want my paycheck
I want to go back to school
I wish my room was clean
I wish I had a maid
I wish I wouldn't get yelled at for saying I want a hair cut
I wish I could have a massage right now
I wish my legs didn't ache
I wish target didn't have my house number
I wish I could go to sleep
I wish I had my PAYCHECK bitches!

My desk is sticky

I'm just sitting here...Awakened as I was having a wonderful deep slumber. It was a dream of me in a new apartment far far away from everything I know now. It's fully furnished with great pieces from Ikea and Target. I have no responsibilities because I work for myself and the money I get in, is just another plus to me working at my dream job. I have a sexy boyfriend named Juan and he's rich also, but we don't care about that because he's on the cover of every  Photographer magazine from here to Africa. (why Africa..I don't know) But something isn't right. Because I have my camera in my hands...And I try to take a picture, but the camera is broken. I feel like shit and I start crying. That's where I wake up. I layed in bed for as long as I could until I remember that today was payday and that I really really want to go shopping. Maybe shopping will even my hormones out. I feel sooo off. I can't describe it. Up is down and down isn't up either, it's over there and over there? It's behind me. And if your understanding any of this...You are probably more coherent than I am at this nice 2:46 am time. People out front are screaming. It's rather frightening if your new to the neighborhood ( which I'm not). It's a blood curlduling scream that as of now is yelling " Nooooooo". This in my area is nothing new. For some reason there is always some sort of activity going on out there. No I don't live in the ghetto. Down the street are actually the really expensive gated communities. So why are people acting crazy out there? I donno. Maybe it's this town. It's enough to make me want to run through the streets screaming "No".

The friends I got

I hate fighting with my friends. It's like I forget and I'll start thinking... " I wanna go...Oh...Well, I'm mad at them"  What am I mad at? I don't know. I hate feeling like I'm intruding into peoples lives. I hate being a third wheel and even more, I hate it when there are people who are a third wheel to my life. It's people who break into my life and mess with everything that I hate. So maybe I make it a point to not intrude into peoples lives when I feel that I'm not needed.  Not needed is to strong of a sentence...I don't know. I just want to get some deep scotch right now.

Maybe it's me

For some reason I can't get the feeling of "offness" out of my mind. Something just isn't right.

The war like no other

We went to the aids walk yesterday and I have a very nice sunburn and some soar body parts to show for it. However, the walk proved successful and we ( the 21,000 people that showed up along with Rosa and myself) raised More than 3 Million dollars ( actual number being $3,024,769) for the fight against aids. Accomplished feeling? Hell Yeah!

I don't want to be anything other than that girl in the picture....

Yes, that would happen to be my head and Rosa's there on the right! And of course that's Gavin DeGraw!