187

There is something that not a lot of people tell you about weight loss. Here it is: There is no finish line. There are no cheering crowds of happy crying people, there is no makeover, there are no dramatic changes...one day your fat, and the next your not. It's not as fulfilling as your fat self has made it sound like it was. Instead, your alone, and wondering where your parade is.

When I was younger, I chose 185 lbs as my goal weight. It seemed so far away and impossible. I often tried to dream about what it would be like, failing to grasp reality, I thought it would be a little different then this. I'm happy still, and though there has been no " biggest looser" confetti in the air kind of moment, I am still going to keep going on the path I started.

Today, I weigh 187 lbs. A number that seems so small in comparison to the 315 lbs I used to carry. I often enjoy just rolling the numbers around in my head, sometimes whispering them to myself, hearing what impossibility sounds like.

-124 lbs

I weigh 191 lbs. I once weighed 315 lbs. Today...I'm proud of me. A very simple happiness.

-100

I finally put this together! I couldn't quite see the differences I have made in the past year and I know I still had this shirt, and it was time to see what I have achieved! Now I can't stop crying and I finally realize that I HAVE done SOO MUCH!

208

I weigh 208 lbs. Holy shit! When did that happen? How cool is that! 9 lbs away from being under 200! I can't wait to have a 1 in my weight again! Lol, again since...I was 9 lol

Lucky life

My new life... is beautiful! Bigfoot has spent the past two weeks trying to teach my how to snap my fingers. It's something I have always wanted to know how to do. The week before it was the farris wheel. Before that, it was shopping in a regular store, and before that, was to wear a dress. My life, is beautiful. I'm so happy I have the best friend in the entire world. He supports me every day, and compliments me endlessly. He made me the most amazing salad the other day and that's when I realized, I couldn't of done any of this without him. I'm so lucky!

27 lbs away

After many discussions with my friends, I have finally settled on a official goal weight: 185 lbs

Months ago, looking back at the numbers I used to carry, 185 seemed so far away. 3 months ago I was 30 lbs heavier and 57 lbs away from my goal and it didn't feel like I was EVER going to get closer to my dreams. This month, I can see the finish line! I'm soo close! When you have lost 100, 27 seems so silly and tiny! I have averaged -10 lbs a month for the past 6 months, so I'm guessing I will be to my goal weight by Halloween! OH MY GOD! TWO MONTHS! TWO MONTHS! Do you realize...that even if this takes 3 months...I will be...skinny? SKINNY!?

...What am I going to be for Halloween?

214

Weight loss update:
Last month I lost 11 lbs.
This month I would like to loose 30, but I'm going to keep it real with another 10. THIS MEANS...That in 5 months I will of lost 50 lbs if I keep up my medium to low level workouts and keeping eating...pretty good. So...well...what if I try harder? What if I work out every day? What if I go back to watching what I eat 100%?

Let's keep this simple! If I loose 10 lbs every month for the next 5 months that's 50 lbs and it would put me at a weight of 164 which for my 5'11 frame will be SKINNY! That leads me right up to new years eve! Are you ready? I'm positive I can do it!

I went from obese to overweight this week and it was AMAZING! I have all these mini hurdles I keep leaping over and I love making each one on the way to my GIANT hurdle which is... I weighed around 300 lbs! I've lost 28% of my body weight! I am 100 lbs lighter! I used to wear 3xl shirts and size 22 jeans! Today, I wear a size XL or L shirt, and I'm making my move into size 14 jeans! HOLY SHIT! Can you believe it? I can't. if it where not for my best friend Bigfoot who lets me talk about my weight all day every day, and remembers to tell me how good I'm looking! He is the main source of my strength! He keeps me balanced by being honest and telling me straight up. I have to remember to tell him that he is the one who has helped me make one of my life dreams come true. Remind me to do that!

I suck today

I'm coming to terms with things in my life.
1. I can not cook
2. My hair, will never be flowy and shiny
3. I will never have giant perky breasts
4. I can't make a sweat shirt and sweat pants look sexy
5. I will snort, and belly laugh and it will NOT be sexy
6. I'm a crocheting, overweight, fuzzy haired 24 year old single women.

I'm going to go over to my best friends house tonight, and I'm going to pout and putter around until I feel better. At least there, I know he will tell me my hair looks like crap, my food tastes awful and I look like a two bit whore. That's because that's what friends do! They tell you the truth and tell you that they love you anyway!

219-199

It's one of those self pity days. It's the perfect day to clean my room, get organized, feel sick, and watch netflix all night...alone. My stomach aches are coming back more and more often. I thought since my weight loss things where clearing up with my medical issues, but it seems they have only gotten worse. Maybe my doctors diagnosis was incorrect. Another reason to be excited about getting skinny is because when I go to the doctors they will no longer say " Well, because your obese..."

However...I'm stuck at 219 lbs. I go up .5 or .9 lbs a day and then back down the same amount the next. 219 is now a bad word to me. When days ago I was almost in tears to see the newest low numbers, I am now becoming disappointed. When will 219 become 215 or 210 even better, when will 219 become 200? When will I be 199?? Oh 199! I love you! I can't wait to be with you!

219

Weight update!
As of my last weigh in, I am now 219 lbs. I am 5.5 lbs away from being overweight as opposed to obese. I am now 34 lbs away from my all time goal and I am two and a half months before I reach my deadline. If I make my deadline, then within one years time, I will of lost more then 100 lbs.

I keep getting these moments where a smile crosses my face and instantly tears seem to fill my eyes and all I can think of is...I'm going to be one of those stories that people talk about " Remember Collette? That really big girl from grade school? SHE lost 100lbs!" Everybody has always saw me as that fat girl. It's my opinion that when your fat people stop thinking of you as an actual person. They stop thinking of you as a women, they stop thinking of you as an option and you become the comfort person for a lot of people. This is why some people will always be fat in personality and why some people will never be able to see me as anything other then that fat comfortable friend. Others, they will suddenly be shocked by..." Where did you come from?" feeling. I will one day fall into their plane of vision and they will shock themselves for not seeing it before. This is my gift to myself. I am giving myself the opportunity to live my life. I am no longer giving myself excuses. I am no longer telling myself it's impossible. I am going to be skinny and I am going to be the best skinny me I deserve.

Skinny

I am 40 lbs away from being considered " Healthy" I honestly...never thought that this was going to be possible. I can't even fathom being heavier then I am now, and I can't believe I waited sooo long to get here! I'm dying to run into those people who always said it wasn't going to happen. 300-222 in less then one year. I'm impressed! Is that wrong? This is the ONE thing in my life, I have 100% control of and I might actually be able to make this ONE dream come true!
I was thinking about it today, and I started to analyze why I have finally been able to loose the weight. I laugh at the idea that I set my deadline for what would of been my two year anniversary with Ray. I'm not still in love with him. This is for me. This is soooo for me. This is so I can finally start my life. Finally I can wear clothes from the mall!!!! Finally I can flirt with guys without thinking they are grossed out by my weight. I might actually...be skinny. I COLLETTE WILL BE SKINNY! Skinny. Wow. SKINNY! For the first time in my entire life...I will be skinny. knock on wood!!

Just a thought...

As a young child, I was certain of my death. I'm not sure it was more then my morbid curiosity growing ,however I never really stopped thinking that my death was right around the corner.

Now as an adult, I sometimes forget this strange odd personality quirk and think positively. It is however every time I get ready to leave on a family trip I feel like " I'm not coming back". You may laugh at this, or even start to ask yourself about my sanity yet I have solid scientific proof to back up my thinking. See, nothing has ever really happened to me. Everybody that was alive when I was born, is still alive today ( as it relates to my family ect) There has also been a lack of tragic events in my life to which almost create an interesting story of an uneventful childhood. So I am always thinking how it's when I expect nothing, something will happen. Thus I find it helpful to expect that something tragic will undoubtedly happen sooner or later and because I have yet to pay cosmically and in karma, what will happen to me...will be big. Or...I might die in my sleep, peacefully, without any police standoffs, bear attacks, or freak California tornado's.

Don't miss me if and when I go though. This is simple also! I have had a great life! I have loved many and many have loved me. I have had the sampler plate of life if you will and I liked it! I haven't lived to regret anything or anyone. I am certain, as many I'm sure, that I have shared this planet with some of the most interesting people and if and when I leave, I will leave full. I just hope, in some metaphorical way, I have left a tip for all those people who have helped me. I'm a big tipper! I would like to be known that way!

Almost done with school!

As it is only fitting to mark this day with some sort of recognition, I find that finishing one of the more difficult college courses I've ever taken...needs no celebration. I instead will spend tonight, alone, eating chicken, drinking orange juice and talking to people on the internet. Why you ask? Because this is my life. Sad, but true. Well...very sad, and even more sadder, very true :(

Side note, I have the best cousin EVER. In the entire world. He's away fighting a war and all, but I fricken love him. And I can't wait for him to come back so we can be twins together. I'm getting extra drunk for him, one for me, one for my bitch in Afghanistan!

I have been pretty down. Depressed even.

But I realized that drinking is the answer! That's what I'm doing! It's working! I'm pretty happy! And I'm buying a new flat screen tv! AND a new mac mini, which is pretty f'in exciting if you ask me! And, grays anatomy is on bitches!

This fat cow isn't going to try again!

Here's my question, am I so stupid, soo boring, and unbelievably ugly that I don't deserve to even be spoken to? This guy! Lol, asks ME out, HE makes plans, HE asks me on a 3rd date...and then he doesn't call, in fact, he never calls, not even to say sorry. He doesn't call to say sorry, he doesn't call to say I'm not interested, he doesn't email, or text even!? WTF lol. So this would be okay, if it wasn't the second time that a guy has done this. The whole..." I'm to scared to tell you the truth" act is REALLY old! If I wasn't interested, or maybe something came up with an ex, I would AT LEAST tell the other person, no matter how many dates we had or hadn't been on. It's just the nice thing to do! What happened to manners people? Or is it that I am...freaky? Is that what it is? Am I soo ugly, soo repulsive? Sooooooo annoying and boring that people can't stand me?

I usually don't feel too down on myself, but now, I'm feeling like the fattest, ugliest, nastiest, disgusting, lowest person on earth.

It's not even about him not liking me, it's about...being treated like the subhuman scum that you have to cringe as you pass on the street.

I was happy before he came up and ripped up my routine. I was doing JUST fine! I in fact, DIDN'T even want to go on the first date! But I thought to myself...he's a normal, nice guy, why not? At least I'll be making a new friend. I laugh at my abilities to judge people correctly at this point.

Lastly, I ask this...when do I stop waiting on an answer from him? I caution you at this point! Don't mistake me wanting to hear from him with me being clingy, wanting, to be with him, it is more in fact, a plea for normal, considerate treatment from a person whom I thought was actually pretty cool. So now, every time my messenger chimes, or I get a new email, I hold my breath, thinking "maybe he finally got the courage to own up!" And only a super microscopic, tiny, itty bitty piece of me is hoping he has a completely reasonable answer; Which the probability of is shrinking every day.

I will say this...
I forgot what it was like to have somebody to talk to. I forgot what it was like having a friend. I have friends...but they have their own lives. I'm pretty much the only person left who isn't married, has a kid, or has a significant other. I don't even know where my cell phone is anymore. I do laundry once every month because...well, I don't go anywhere, or see anybody. If I didn't live with my parents, I wouldn't see people at all.

I'm alone again. Kinda sucks.

Ughh

I hate dating. I really really dislike having to depend on another person. I'm not a selfish person, and when other people are...it kills me! Well, actually it makes me angry. I had a dream last night that I had been on vacation, and I drove my car to the airport, took off, and then flew into another airport where my car was flown to meet me...and then I realized...my car wont make the drive all the way back to my home! And I didn't have money to fly me and my car back. And that's kinda what dating is like. If I never have to date again, it will be too soon!

WTF did that come from?

Have you ever been standing around then had something drop to your feet, out of nowhere, and you spend a few minutes just looking around asking out laud, "WHERE the FUCK did that come from?"

That's me right now...Except I'm not so confused as much as I am...sadly...giddy.

Now...if only I had enough confidence left in me to make it actually out the door to see this through. Why suddenly am I paralyzed by fear? I'm a pretty confident girl! I think I'm pretty...I'm just worried other people wont thing so. I'm kinda not wanting to mess this one up so early, I'm kinda thinkin this one might be fun to play around with for a little bit.

Plus side, he thinks global warming is real. Upside already.

Starting over

I stayed up way to late last night. Doing what you ask? Chatting online, holding netflix envelopes over my face, and it wasn't half bad.

233

I started a new workout routine. This one comes from the biggest loser fitness program book, which I feel, has been my best weight loss purchase thus far. I also bought some ankle weights which I'm very excited to use. Even though I've been see-sawing with my weight lately I weighed myself today and found that I've lost 4 lbs. Bringing my weight down to an all new low of 233. I'm finding it hard to be unimpressed by these smaller numbers. I have to remember that though 233 is low for me, it's still high in the larger scheme of things. I still need to loose about 40 lbs to be within my personal range. I would have to loose another 70 lbs. to be at my recommended weight by crazy sons of bitches who have no clue about anything.

Boyoboy

I was so bulldozed by him emailing me yesterday. What kind of friend chooses somebody he met just a month before over a friendship that he has had for 5 years? A bad friend that's who! So I pointed that fact out to him in a very long email and said if he didn't want to make that choice, then I'm not going to be his friend. The fact that he was so ready to jump so far away from me, so willing to run away is still kinda funny to me. Maybe he was afraid of feeling so close to me, but if he could grow up and realize boys and girls can be that close and NOT be in a relationship. Lame. But now he has me waiting for him response, where as before, I was over it, accepted it and moved on. His email was pretty simple enough " Just sayin hi, I miss u!" What I sent was comparable to 2 pages.

In other news, My new haircut is my most favorite! And there's two guys! AND my new unemployment extension may be coming through!

तिरेड ऑफ़ Limbo

I stood up for myself! Yayyy lol. I told him " If you don't respect me, then don't call me!" and I feel 1 million times better for it.

In other news, I bought these 5 pound ankle weights, holy cow! What a work out! I'm excited to get out walking!

ईन्फ़्लुएन्केद

I have the kind of life that requires no direction. It's so exciting to have no requirements of me. If I want to sleep all day I can, if I want to go to the gym at 4am or 4pm I can do that too. Another day, another pound, another month another size. I took the dog for a walk today, wondered around aimlessly, street to street, wondering...is this what my life is going to be about? My mom keeps telling me I need to get out and make friends, hang out, go out blah blah blah. Is it wrong to enjoy being alone as much as I do? I feel like this is the first time I have EVER been without influence. I am so easily influenced it's kinda of ridicules. It's fun finely being...me.

236

236.
I now weigh 236.
I gained 2 pounds a few days ago, and it had me really depressed thinking how I've reached that weight where I'm going to have an impossible time getting it off.

But I am now 236. Which...let me tell you my dear reader, is magical. Pure magic. Something I don't often tell people is that I was once almost 300lbs. Being in my 20's and weighing that much was the most depressing thing to ever happen to me. I wanted to die every day and the relationships I put myself in where so unhealthy. It's funny how you can see these things now that you are much farther away but at the time, I felt like these people where the only thing keeping me together. Funny thing is, I'm realizing slowly that...I don't need anybody! I don't need a man, I don't need my parents, I don't need friends, what I'm saying is not that I don't want these people around, but that I don't need them to hold my hand and point me in a direction anymore. At least a lot less then I used to.

So when I weigh myself, and I see that I am no longer at the top of the obese scale, and the clothes that I used to wear and not zip up, are now way to big for me, I almost break out in tears just getting dressed.

Granted I'm not a skinny mini, I still have fat rolls, and I still feel like hiding under layers, but...today I am celebrating 236 and soon I will celebrate 235 and then 234 and each and every pound will feel like an entirely new world for me. So get used to this! I'll be back every week, happy, proud, and ready to attack each new day and each new pound.

फिक्सड

So I've been looking into the other half of "things" that will complete my makeover. I want a massive laser hair removal which will change my life and make me the happiest girl on earth! You have no idea how horrible it is to have hair growing in places it really shouldn't be. I have PCOS which is a well known cause for women growing man like facial hair. This I have to say has been the single cause for the remaining bit of self confidence problems. I spend at least 1-2 hours every morning well getting ready, " Fixing" my face, clearing it of it's nasty little visitors. Yet alas, laser hair removal is pretty expensive, but I'm feeling it's going to be worth it. I only reveal this completely embarrassing thing because I know so many other women are struggling out there with this and it's to common and medically caused to be as shameful as it is.

And after that! Teeth whitening! THEN a nice new haircut, manicure, pedicure, loss of 55 more pounds and that's it. NO more! I'm already so proud of myself. I'm already loving my new body. To me, I am perfect as I am, but I know to be healthy I should realistically loose a little bit more weight. I keep myself up at night thinking about going to the doctors and wowing them with all my success. I can't wait to take some new tests and compare my test results to my horrible last ones.

Yayy me!

रेस्टलेस

1. Jack McCoy gave me the craziest wettest, sloppy kiss, in my nap today and I liked it!

2. My life could use some action right now. Please provide.

3. Giant corn dog!

4. It's HOT FLASH'S in the big city here! Can I get a WTF for being 24 and going though menopause?

5. Can something of substance hurry up and happen? I'm watching the Princess Diaries, it's sad.

6. HELLO! It makes since to me!

फूडी

I am now 238, and that's just one pound down from week ago. Since I'm not up I'm not going to complain. I am however ready to get back on track and back to working my butt off to get to 185.

I'm putting some serious thought into cutting ties with my friends for a while so I can achieve this. I know I am weak with them around and this may be my only opportunity to do something so big for myself. I really enjoy the idea of not seeing people for a while only to have a " Coming out" party where I can strut my new stuff. I feel like seeing me all the time may not provide the full effect for everyone. I've made a bet with my cousin who is currently stationed in Afghanistan that I will be able to loose more weight then he will be able to. We are both around the same weight give or take 5-6 pounds. So by the time he comes back in September, I hopefully will be another 50 pounds smaller. That would be my all time life goal. that's around 10 pounds each month.

Will I be able to do it? I have no clue. Will I try? Yeah. Am I doing this to spite all those people who have called me fat? Yes. Do I REALLY enjoy watching all those people who I hated in high school gaining weight? Yes. Not because I think they are ugly, but because now, they are forced to realize what horrible nasty mean people they where to me and now, they can hold their breath for a little bit worrying about turnabout being fair play. It's not bitches.

The biggest problem about all this is my family. Fast food is eaten at least once a day in my house. They drink at LEAST one bottle of soda a day and I don't know how my will power will stand up to all these tests. Time I presume will tell.

Maybe I should stop watching food network...

बर्थडे

I was going to blog last night, but this morning, I am happy I didn't. I was in a ugly place last night. I had rented some movies, bought some new crafting projects, and bought a single microwave dinner. I was in the grocery store when it hit me, " I am so alone". Not only did I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, I had nobody special to spend the day with. I am lucky I have friends like Kelly and her Boytoy, +their lil guppy, but it's just not the same. Some of my friends have emailed me or texted me. SOME haven't. So I sat alone last night, realizing that everybody has finaly paired off except me.

That's when I had another thought...I actually LIKE being alone. I enjoy having my crafting nights. I'm teetering on the idea of traveling, being fancy free, able to roam the world, discover amazing things, take pictures, have wild fun. On the other hand...when your spending your birthday eating a microwave dinner...you have to wonder if there's something wrong with you to where your " Friends" don't even care enough to call. I was sitting in my room last night around 2am wondering " AM I ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE???" Those irritatingly annoying friends, your OBLIGATED to talk to or hang out with because...well, that's how the world works! I have those friends. I find the magic in them most of the time, but I also avoid their phone calls, dread having to do things with them,is that me? It would make me more mad to think people are treating me like that instead of just NOT talking to me. If you don't like me, then hell, don't talk to me.

Kelly called. Because she's the best person on the face of the planet. She also made me a Panda cupcake. Which makes me cry a little. And when a twinge of fear jumped into my mind thinking...." OH GOD! CUPCAKES!" she said the words of a god, "I made you just one, because I didn't want to tempt you, because I know your on a diet" and that's when I know she's the best friend a girl could have.

I weighed myself today, and I was in such fear because for the past few days I have had a smorgasbord of nasty fat foods. I have been loosing weight slowly but surely however...for the past week, I've beat myself up. I've been putting my clothes on, taking note of how tight they are and how they don't fit as the did. So I was pretty convinced that I had blown my diet and gained 10 lbs in the past week. I weighed myself today and I've lost another 1.5 lbs. Surprising.

That was my birthday present to myself. Doing what I need to do, in spite of those who have tried to make me cheat by offering me pizza, candy, sodas, ect. I have been sucessful for MYSELF. When I started this whole thing, my good friend said he would be there by my side and help me. I joined HIS gym, and we even made a date to quit smoking together to help one an another. I went, and he didn't. I'm no longer going to let other people decide my fate. I know that if I keep going over and hanging out with him, he won't stop smoking around me so I can stop smoking, He won't make "dinner" fast food ever time we hang out, and he wont loose the weight for me either. I have to take hold of my life and stop pinning it on everybody else. Dieting is such a lonely dirty world to live in. It's like your hiding in a dark closet munching on a salad because people look at your funny. I've had a few hard times with my family. I've grown up in a house where buying 10-15 candy bars, twinkies, and other wonderful nasty foods where part of the regular weekly shopping. Now, living in that same environment is HORRIBLY hard. I had to tell my mom to keep the twinkies in her room because they where keeping me awake by screaming my name. But it doesn't stop them from buying them. It doesn't stop them from having dinner at fast food restaurants. I've had to stop eating with them all together because they eat soo horribly bad. I've started having dreams that my parents die of heart attacks and strokes. On top of those nightmares, I have been dreaming my worst nightmare of them all...

I'm in a fight situation, where I have to defend myself, and I try to punch them, but my arms move soo slow I can't hurt them, and I try to scream, but it's muted. I've started to wake up feeling so incapable and terrified. I have this dream whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think it's about me feeling incapable to take my own life into my hands. I've started picturing this before I go to sleep " I am STRONG, I can scream so loud I can shake windows! If I had to fight back, I could!" I then picture, as odd as it sounds, punching a person as hard as I can and them falling and getting hurt. Maybe it's part of my past and maybe it's part of my current life, but the feeling of helplessness is going to be a battle for me. I can do it!

थे फट गर्ल

The honest truth about weight loss.

My boobs have literally SHRUNK neigh, SHRIVELED to almost 2 sizes smaller! I wish my stomach would shrink as fast however it hasn't. I have lost an approximate 50 lbs! I've lost two pant sizes and two bra sizes, and one shirt size. My success has been in watching what I am eating. No more salt! I've realized how much stuff is loaded with salt! You wouldn't even believe it! Some bottled water has large amounts of salt!!

I've been MOST successful in lowering my calories. I've been almost TOO successful! I find myself forcing myself to eat. I've gone days just eating 200-400 calories, which to me, just isn't healthy! So, I've worked on eating healthy and keeping it at or under 1500 calories. I work out on a semi regular basis, and plan on working harder in the next few months.

I run my hands down to my sides sometimes and every time I am AMAZED, confused, and astonished my the new body I've been living in. At night I run my hands over all my fat, taking inventory of what is where and taking personal stock.

When I was younger, I would do the MOST destructive things to loose weight. I was even more destructive to myself. Cutting, suicide attempts, fasting for days, crash diets, vomiting, and everything was obviously followed by extreme depression.
I now do something that makes me proud and makes living through all that worth it! When I run my hands over my plumpy curves now, I think to myself " Wow! Collette! You're doing it! Your BEAUTIFUL! You wanted this and YOUR DOING IT! I can look at myself in all my awkwardly shaped curves and I LOVE them. When I look at myself I think of how there is one man out there, that looks so AMAZING and beautiful and attractive to me and when we meet, and fall in love, he will feel the same way about me, and that's how I have to look at myself that way too.

I'm healthy AND happy!

स्लीप

I've lost 0.4 lbs a day every day for the past week. ROAD BLOCK! Makes me sad :( I've cut my calories down to 1500 or lower with 30min of cardio a day. I would be doing more but I am soo incredibly sore I can barely move my arms above my head.

I'm trying not to eat my emotions. It's pretty difficult. I keep telling myself cliches to make myself feel better, " It will all be better in time," it doesn't seem to be working that well. I just seem to be working out my anger instead which isn't healthy either. I want so desperately to be healthy entirely that I'm not willing to put up with this. My best friend thinks I am jealous of him and his girlfriend just because I don't want to hang out with them as a couple. Why don't I? Because it's strange!? Like I don't see you nuzzeling her face, rubbing her legs? Like I want to see that?!! I was just thinking about him, and how if I had been in his position I would want to spend as much time as I could with my new partner as I could. With the exception of still talking to my friends once in a while. When he told me last week that he "needed" to hang out with me instead of her is because I smoke and she doesn't...I decided I am no longer going to smoke. I quit. I'm making a better me, I can't think of it as loosing the only friend I had to hang out with, I have to think of it as making the best life choice I could of made. I'm not snacking anymore, I'm exercising, I've stopped smoking, I am...me again.

The biggest worry in my life right now should be, " Will quitting smoking make me gain my weight back?"

Instead I am sad because it's a week from my birthday, and I really wanted my friends to be there, so I could dazzle them with how well I am doing, for once in my life. My tuna fish will be there, and so will her bdaddy, that makes me happy. They are the only two people who pretty much haven't let me down, even when they do, I feel like it's grown up reasons and nothing back stabbish.

I've medicated myself to sleep this past week, and seeing as the PM pills I took just kicked in, I'm so going to pass out! Peace!

गूद्मोर्निंग

Yesterday I asked my mom if pills had calories. I think I've lost it. I am however, still loosing weight which is very exciting. 50 lbs down, 55 lbs more to go. *Sigh* I'm hungry, it's 5am, I think I'm gunna make a snacky