187

There is something that not a lot of people tell you about weight loss. Here it is: There is no finish line. There are no cheering crowds of happy crying people, there is no makeover, there are no dramatic changes...one day your fat, and the next your not. It's not as fulfilling as your fat self has made it sound like it was. Instead, your alone, and wondering where your parade is.

When I was younger, I chose 185 lbs as my goal weight. It seemed so far away and impossible. I often tried to dream about what it would be like, failing to grasp reality, I thought it would be a little different then this. I'm happy still, and though there has been no " biggest looser" confetti in the air kind of moment, I am still going to keep going on the path I started.

Today, I weigh 187 lbs. A number that seems so small in comparison to the 315 lbs I used to carry. I often enjoy just rolling the numbers around in my head, sometimes whispering them to myself, hearing what impossibility sounds like.

-124 lbs

I weigh 191 lbs. I once weighed 315 lbs. Today...I'm proud of me. A very simple happiness.

214

Weight loss update:
Last month I lost 11 lbs.
This month I would like to loose 30, but I'm going to keep it real with another 10. THIS MEANS...That in 5 months I will of lost 50 lbs if I keep up my medium to low level workouts and keeping eating...pretty good. So...well...what if I try harder? What if I work out every day? What if I go back to watching what I eat 100%?

Let's keep this simple! If I loose 10 lbs every month for the next 5 months that's 50 lbs and it would put me at a weight of 164 which for my 5'11 frame will be SKINNY! That leads me right up to new years eve! Are you ready? I'm positive I can do it!

I went from obese to overweight this week and it was AMAZING! I have all these mini hurdles I keep leaping over and I love making each one on the way to my GIANT hurdle which is... I weighed around 300 lbs! I've lost 28% of my body weight! I am 100 lbs lighter! I used to wear 3xl shirts and size 22 jeans! Today, I wear a size XL or L shirt, and I'm making my move into size 14 jeans! HOLY SHIT! Can you believe it? I can't. if it where not for my best friend Bigfoot who lets me talk about my weight all day every day, and remembers to tell me how good I'm looking! He is the main source of my strength! He keeps me balanced by being honest and telling me straight up. I have to remember to tell him that he is the one who has helped me make one of my life dreams come true. Remind me to do that!

219-199

It's one of those self pity days. It's the perfect day to clean my room, get organized, feel sick, and watch netflix all night...alone. My stomach aches are coming back more and more often. I thought since my weight loss things where clearing up with my medical issues, but it seems they have only gotten worse. Maybe my doctors diagnosis was incorrect. Another reason to be excited about getting skinny is because when I go to the doctors they will no longer say " Well, because your obese..."

However...I'm stuck at 219 lbs. I go up .5 or .9 lbs a day and then back down the same amount the next. 219 is now a bad word to me. When days ago I was almost in tears to see the newest low numbers, I am now becoming disappointed. When will 219 become 215 or 210 even better, when will 219 become 200? When will I be 199?? Oh 199! I love you! I can't wait to be with you!

Skinny

I am 40 lbs away from being considered " Healthy" I honestly...never thought that this was going to be possible. I can't even fathom being heavier then I am now, and I can't believe I waited sooo long to get here! I'm dying to run into those people who always said it wasn't going to happen. 300-222 in less then one year. I'm impressed! Is that wrong? This is the ONE thing in my life, I have 100% control of and I might actually be able to make this ONE dream come true!
I was thinking about it today, and I started to analyze why I have finally been able to loose the weight. I laugh at the idea that I set my deadline for what would of been my two year anniversary with Ray. I'm not still in love with him. This is for me. This is soooo for me. This is so I can finally start my life. Finally I can wear clothes from the mall!!!! Finally I can flirt with guys without thinking they are grossed out by my weight. I might actually...be skinny. I COLLETTE WILL BE SKINNY! Skinny. Wow. SKINNY! For the first time in my entire life...I will be skinny. knock on wood!!

Almost enough

All the books, all the friends, the Internet, myspace, college and any little bit of self-respect I have left can't seem to put me back together again. This may be getting to be bigger then I thought.

This sucks

Today....How to describe today...
Horrible?
Unmanageable?
The kind of day that makes you wish you didn't move out of bed, let alone wake up? Yeah! That's it.

Symptoms. Oh wonderful symptoms! Now on top of the stomach aches, hypoglycemia, and depression...my hair is falling out. Not only is it falling out, but I'm getting sores on my head. It's HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE! I can't possibly get any lower on the scale. I couldn't even make it through class today. I couldn't seem to focus enough on the work to even stay for the entire hour.

I'm feeling desperate. I just wish I had something to look forward to again. I wish I had something to tie my concentration to. This is going to be the strangest analogy, but it's the only way I think I'm going to be able to explain it; Remember the cartoons where Elmer Fudd digs a hole, throws a carpet over it and then bugs bunny walks up unsuspecting and steps onto the rug? I'm feeling like that lol.