बर्थडे

I was going to blog last night, but this morning, I am happy I didn't. I was in a ugly place last night. I had rented some movies, bought some new crafting projects, and bought a single microwave dinner. I was in the grocery store when it hit me, " I am so alone". Not only did I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, I had nobody special to spend the day with. I am lucky I have friends like Kelly and her Boytoy, +their lil guppy, but it's just not the same. Some of my friends have emailed me or texted me. SOME haven't. So I sat alone last night, realizing that everybody has finaly paired off except me.

That's when I had another thought...I actually LIKE being alone. I enjoy having my crafting nights. I'm teetering on the idea of traveling, being fancy free, able to roam the world, discover amazing things, take pictures, have wild fun. On the other hand...when your spending your birthday eating a microwave dinner...you have to wonder if there's something wrong with you to where your " Friends" don't even care enough to call. I was sitting in my room last night around 2am wondering " AM I ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE???" Those irritatingly annoying friends, your OBLIGATED to talk to or hang out with because...well, that's how the world works! I have those friends. I find the magic in them most of the time, but I also avoid their phone calls, dread having to do things with them,is that me? It would make me more mad to think people are treating me like that instead of just NOT talking to me. If you don't like me, then hell, don't talk to me.

Kelly called. Because she's the best person on the face of the planet. She also made me a Panda cupcake. Which makes me cry a little. And when a twinge of fear jumped into my mind thinking...." OH GOD! CUPCAKES!" she said the words of a god, "I made you just one, because I didn't want to tempt you, because I know your on a diet" and that's when I know she's the best friend a girl could have.

I weighed myself today, and I was in such fear because for the past few days I have had a smorgasbord of nasty fat foods. I have been loosing weight slowly but surely however...for the past week, I've beat myself up. I've been putting my clothes on, taking note of how tight they are and how they don't fit as the did. So I was pretty convinced that I had blown my diet and gained 10 lbs in the past week. I weighed myself today and I've lost another 1.5 lbs. Surprising.

That was my birthday present to myself. Doing what I need to do, in spite of those who have tried to make me cheat by offering me pizza, candy, sodas, ect. I have been sucessful for MYSELF. When I started this whole thing, my good friend said he would be there by my side and help me. I joined HIS gym, and we even made a date to quit smoking together to help one an another. I went, and he didn't. I'm no longer going to let other people decide my fate. I know that if I keep going over and hanging out with him, he won't stop smoking around me so I can stop smoking, He won't make "dinner" fast food ever time we hang out, and he wont loose the weight for me either. I have to take hold of my life and stop pinning it on everybody else. Dieting is such a lonely dirty world to live in. It's like your hiding in a dark closet munching on a salad because people look at your funny. I've had a few hard times with my family. I've grown up in a house where buying 10-15 candy bars, twinkies, and other wonderful nasty foods where part of the regular weekly shopping. Now, living in that same environment is HORRIBLY hard. I had to tell my mom to keep the twinkies in her room because they where keeping me awake by screaming my name. But it doesn't stop them from buying them. It doesn't stop them from having dinner at fast food restaurants. I've had to stop eating with them all together because they eat soo horribly bad. I've started having dreams that my parents die of heart attacks and strokes. On top of those nightmares, I have been dreaming my worst nightmare of them all...

I'm in a fight situation, where I have to defend myself, and I try to punch them, but my arms move soo slow I can't hurt them, and I try to scream, but it's muted. I've started to wake up feeling so incapable and terrified. I have this dream whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think it's about me feeling incapable to take my own life into my hands. I've started picturing this before I go to sleep " I am STRONG, I can scream so loud I can shake windows! If I had to fight back, I could!" I then picture, as odd as it sounds, punching a person as hard as I can and them falling and getting hurt. Maybe it's part of my past and maybe it's part of my current life, but the feeling of helplessness is going to be a battle for me. I can do it!