फ्री फल्लिंग

I know why I'm fat. Because every time something hurts me deep down, I do everything I can to not cry. When I was younger, I was the joke maker of everything. I told everybody by showing them how STRONG I was. How unique I was. How I was more then fat, ugly and awkward. The truth is, I was never strong enough to deny the lump that grew in my throat. I would shove food in my mouth trying to get that feeling to go away, sometimes it festers on for days, even months until I can't handle it any more, and I have to sooth it with cake and ice cream, and telling myself lies. I shove comfort that I haven't found anywhere else down my throat and wait for the release of it's grip around my neck and wait to be able to breath my sweet breath of ignorance again. When you shape your entire world around people and things...and then you realize....you, not them, where wrong, you have a moment of....how to describe it...you know when you take a step without looking and the floor is actually a few feet further down then where you thought it was? It's like that. Except, it's feeling like my floor may be a few miles under the cloud I've been living on.

फिनाली!

I just needed somewhere to gloat......I've lost 35lbs in the past 3.5 months. First time in a loooong time that I am down this skinny, and I have 50 more to go before I will be the smallest I have been for most of my life. My goal wight is actually only 20lbs from that weight so in total I only need to loose 70lbs more till I am healthy, and skinny! Skinny, I don't care so much about, but healthy! No more pills, no more lethargic sitting on my butt because I'm so tired, and yayyy to finally fitting in clothes right! It's been so long since I've had something fit me right! My pants are fitting me ridicules right now! I mean, saggy butt! I hate it, but why buy new clothing when I am just going to keep loosing!? It's kind of encouraging to see how bad things fit and I keep it in my head to keep working out, keep taking my medicine and keep eating less! Late night snacking....it's killing me! Buy yayy Wii Fit! It's what I owe most of my weight loss too!

Just an observation

Have you ever noticed the way people talk at Fast Food drive Thurs? The world wide known system of communicating is to me, almost a strange anomaly within the universe. It's probable that this comes from years of conditioning, we all have observed the action of ordering at a tiny metal box. We even see it reflected the same way on TV, and in movies. What intrigued me the most was how I reacted when the person in front of me breaks this system of communication. How conditioned have I possibly become?

I wish I had some popcorn!

Ahhh, Sitting in a parking lot for for 3 hours laughing? What a wonderful night out lol; and a Roseanne marathon? Life is getting goooood!

Almost enough

All the books, all the friends, the Internet, myspace, college and any little bit of self-respect I have left can't seem to put me back together again. This may be getting to be bigger then I thought.

Falling down

I skipped school today. I spent the day with my mom. We got coffee, and went to the car wash. We then went to Costco and Target. When I got home, my friend called me. I had sent her a message last night. I told her how I was feeling. I told her I really needed her. I needed somebody to talk to. Somebody to be with for a few hours. She called me today, asked me how I was doing, and asked me to come over. I came, knocked on her door a few time. She didn't come. I then called her. She didn't pick up. I waited outside for ten minutes. She never came out.

This sucks

Today....How to describe today...
Horrible?
Unmanageable?
The kind of day that makes you wish you didn't move out of bed, let alone wake up? Yeah! That's it.

Symptoms. Oh wonderful symptoms! Now on top of the stomach aches, hypoglycemia, and depression...my hair is falling out. Not only is it falling out, but I'm getting sores on my head. It's HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE! I can't possibly get any lower on the scale. I couldn't even make it through class today. I couldn't seem to focus enough on the work to even stay for the entire hour.

I'm feeling desperate. I just wish I had something to look forward to again. I wish I had something to tie my concentration to. This is going to be the strangest analogy, but it's the only way I think I'm going to be able to explain it; Remember the cartoons where Elmer Fudd digs a hole, throws a carpet over it and then bugs bunny walks up unsuspecting and steps onto the rug? I'm feeling like that lol.

College of letting go!

I have spent all day today in my room working on homework. I worked ahead in all my classes and tried to get really orginized. I'm pretty proud of me!
Last night you ask?

Ouchy momma!

The only exciting thing about today has been the fact that I have been so sick that I can't focus on much else. My tummy feels like somebody has stabbed me, poured gas on the open wound, then threw it in the microwave. Interesting combination, I'm sure, however, it's as accurate as I could get.

Hopefully there will be UNO tonight, I'm...pretty bored and doing homework...just isn't sounding like it will be the funnest thing to do in the world.

HEDGE

Uhh, btw, what the heck happened to Hedge? I MISS YOU! I miss you AND your completely random thoughts and comments from a far! Have you been lurkin again?

To be honest...

I've slept for two days straight, I've saculded myself to the Collette cave, and I've embaressed myself and endagered my life by drinking myself out of boredome. So today...I am going out. I'm going over to a friends house and I'm doing what I realized years ago as " Building my net". I know myself, and I know my past, and as a person who lives in this strange cliche circle of depression/determination, I know that I will need to at least try to get somebody to talk to again. I need a friend who I can spill the dank, dark, and dirty thoughts going on so I can hear those almost orgasmic words of " I TOTALY understand! I've felt like that too!" or the even better " I'll be there for you! I care about you so much". To the outside reader, this may sound silly, or even kinda stupid to be writing. HOWEVER, I know that there are so many people out in this wonderful world that are going though what I am and they might be feeling at the end of their ropes as I have many times before, and if one person happens across my little corner of the internet and sees that there is a way out, a way in, a way at all, to get to that next level they need, then I am happy to embaress myself for their benifit.

This being part of my own self digignosed treatment, I will turn to blogging often in the next few months. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I have years back in written form. I've been writting in blogs and journals since I was around 12 or 13 years old. To be compleatly bluntly honest, I will say that they are the real reason I am still alive. There are people who can say things like " I've survived cancer," or " I'm a survivor of the blahblah war..." I think of every day that I don't let savere depression get the best of me, I have survived. I thought myself crazy for many years, and when I figured it out, and started to get my life back in order, everything became unraveled as it often does. Being told, that the medicine I was going to start taking would cause boughts of depression I almost had a chuckle to myself thinking..." Living my life in a hell trapped inside a body that is full of pain and not functuioning?" or "Living in a mind that is sick and is a constant battle to keep healthy" ? Hmmm, what should I do?? I decided that becoming mentaly healthy and strong aginst...myself is a matter of a daily battle and that the stuggle is best fought fast and stong. I build a list of things I can do to stay healthy, mentaly, and build a strong network of people I can talk to. I know that when things get utterly embaressingly dirty ugly, and I feel like there is no way that I could possibly talk to anybody about it, that I HAVE To, and once I set myself to it, I think nothing more of it, and force myself to do what's needed. I'm so lucky.

Again, today, I am feeling not as well as I should be. Deepressed more then ever, I am going to try to...soldiure through it.

Time

So I did sleep the whole day away. It was actually nice! I know my cycles though. I understand this is part of my disease. The thought of sleeping until 9-10pm, then getting up, taking a bunch of allergy pills to help me sleep (and not in the suicidal way!) makes me almost excited. I'm feeling overly emotional and depressed and I'm trying to reason it out knowing that things aren't what they seem. My stomach is a mess, all the weight I lost I gained back and 5lbs+ and even though it may be tmi, my hair is growing FREAKISHLY fast! I shaved my legs this morning, and by 2pm they have stubble again! I know there is reason to cation when the thoughts of cutting off all non Internet communication and forgetting talking to people I met on the " Outside" world. I had a moment of excitement thinking that it would actually be kinda nice to not have to shower every day, sit in my pjs, and figure my life out and become better AND THEN, start calling people up again so they can see how much I changed. The bigger question is, is this about Ray, or is this medical? Maybe it's both. I searched the Internet forums for answers, and new questions are the only thing I got.

Today

Ever feel so empty and alone you feel like sleeping for the entire day, and when you realize that you just can't psychically do it, it makes you even a little bit more sad?

Exotic Beauty

Do you ever feel like there is no volume to your life? I feel I have been living in a world, being taught methods and morals for which create a box in which I will later add years and months of experiences and ideas. However hard I work and keeping myself busy, there seems to be a nothing that creeps into everything. There have been moments when my head feels like it's spinning and things are almost to crazy for me to control, but when the calm hits after the storm, I'm left with feelings of loneliness and as cliche as it sounds..." emptiness".

The thoughts of picking up and moving is the only solid thing I seem to be able to grasp. Ideas of Japan, Africa, far off, quiet, secluded places where loneliness will no longer matter because of their exotic beauty. Today, it feels as if I would be jetting off from a standing position to a sonic speed to get where I really want to be. Is that even possible? I presume this is all made worse by my new morbid fascination of Mydeathspace.com Seeing how people, so young, so involved in what small things are happening around them, they somehow failed to ever complete a life worth living. I'm not saying these people died fairly, or have in some way lived a life not worth living, but that...at the time of their death, I would find it hard to not wish I had done something...more. I too, often struggle with saying what NEEDS to be said, and doing what is right, but I focus now more on " thinking clear". Living a mentally healthy life where I am happy, and free of regret that ties me down. The choices I make are full of complex deliberation in even the most simplistic of situations. " Do I go to class tonight?" " Is this just a further deterioration of my willingness to go back to school?" " Am I afraid of failure?" and these thoughts continue until I get to a place where I am comfortable with myself. I keep finding that I know so little about myself. Those around me learn by discovery. I hold a jealousy of sorts towards people who find themselves surprised by who they are through an experience. We see it in movies all the time, the moment the character, who has obviously been struggling through something, finally realizes what or who they want to be, and there is violins playing and wind blowing and a moment worthy of an Oscar they become something beautiful. It's as if the Caterpillar was emerging from it's cocoon. I am no Caterpillar. I set each stage like I was preparing for an Olympic opening. Hours of thoughts and preparation, practice, and even the occasional doubt. I however, unlike my blossoming friends, seem to foresee these changes in my life, steering myself in the correct direction mentally and preventing these moments of...for the lack of a better word, ignorance.

I am however safe from a life drearily spent thinking the world is ugly and hideous. I see beautiful glowing light all around me, and even the dank and dark seems beautiful. Where some see an awkward conversation between friends, I see a beautiful dance of happenings and possibilities. I presume I literaly see my life as a movie and the characters, strangers, and in moments I can almost hear the orchestra keying up, bows in the air, conductors, arms preparing to flail, and magic waiting to happen. It's the moment when you realize that, anything can happen at anytime that I believe you can almost become free from thoughts that keep us..." Safe". That happenstance meeting in the elevator can be the moment that changes your entire life. The parking spot you choose could save you from a freak instance. Saying what you really want, and things turning out completely wrong, can lead you to a path in which you realize your real potential and dreams, and without the first disaster, you are nothing. It seems my life is full of these silly thoughts. I am some days honored, and others, suffocated. Living in a balance I suppose is the importance.

Im start-ish

Do you ever surprise yourself by what you know? I was in media class tonight, and we where discussing the theory of the US culture mortgaging our children's social identity through the exportation of culturally un-relevant movies and sexually explicit content...and...I understood it. I did take a few moments to think about it, but realized...I'm in college. I may have a future yet!

I'm ready for a nap!

Okay...Helio...sucks. " send us your broken device, and the replacement we send you will be broken, but then you have to send THAT first device back before we can send you a replacment for the second broken one... " Helio Logic...LOVES IT! It's been a month since I have had a phone...THEY ARE GREAT! BUY LOTS OF THEIR PHONES! NOOOOOTTT!!!

I need to stay on my drugs because...talk about hormones. I was a little loopy this week, but...last night...I'm amazed. Scott and noel really pulled through for me. And it's funny. Because Who would of thought lol.

And then I had this dream...that was WILD. Makes me wonder what the hell is going on in my head! Im dreaming about men I have no chance with and no real intrest lol. But...now that I'm awake, Im thinkin..."Damn, he is pretty cute...."

I spent the whole day getting ready, cleaning the house, making sure everything was going to be great. I told people weeks ago about it so they could make it. I then went and bought snacks, soda, games, and booze, and...nobody even returned my calls... People who said they would come just a few days ago, who where supposed to call today and confirm...are nowhere around. I feel so stupid. Like a little girl who gets all ready for her birthday party and nobody shows up...actualy that's happend to me..when I was 13. Where is the hole I can crawl into? Why do I always try to do everything for people who do absalutly nothing for me when I need it most? Try calling me again people, see if I pick up...

AGHhhHHHhhHHHhhHHh

This post shall be dedicated to what's wrong with people.

When I got up this morning...I got up 3 hours before I had to be to school. I got ready and left 2 hours before class. I was in the SRJC parking lot 1.5 hours before class started and I waited exactly 1 hour and 20 min to find a spot. As I was pulling into the spot...another car wrapped itself around the corner and scooped in just as I was making the turn into the spot. Now...I'm a pretty nice person. I usually figure that people will be who they are regardless if I let myself get all worked up the situation. So I calmed myself down, then I remembered that I do this all the time. I ALWAYS let people off for the shit they do. When I do something wrong am I as easily let off? No. And part of that is because I would NEVER do something like cut somebody off in traffic, or steal a parking spot, or even cut in line! I feel guilty even when somebody is being rude to me at a store because I'm thinking they are just prolly having a bad day and needed somebody to take it out on. Why am I this person? My best friend...he's the kind of guy that you would hear the words " lets take this outside" on a frequent occasion. He's the person that will say something to the person talking in the movie theatre, or to somebody who is rude to him in the store. It bothers me sometimes, thinking he is really mean, other times...I am jealous. I want to be that person. Cursed by my kindness. It's done me nothing amazing yet. I haven't had any stranger leave me his millions in his will because I was that person who was nice to him in his time of need, I haven't had great luck finding a great guy who sees me for " something amazing and rare" Hell, even my own friends tell me I'm a carpet for other people to walk on. But...where do I draw the line? One day I'm getting worked up over a parking spot, next month I get in a fight and land my ass in jail, then I'm one of those people who think they are entitled to everything. I can't stand those people...All I am asking for is...a little piece of the pie here people!!?? Can I get at least a little? Like a small Lottery win, maybe a great boyfriend, a cool job? A stranger telling me Im pretty...damn..I got nothing.

Boyfriend broke up with me, crappy cell phone company that wont even give me a phone, and a bitch who stole my parking spot. I'm going to take a nap.

Eh

Sometimes, I have a dream, that when I wake up, I am lost for a second thinking it was true, and then there is this moment of sadness where I realize that it's not true. I did that last night. I was dreaming that I had married Ray, and we where having a baby, and I was trying to tell everybody but I couldnt get ahold of anyone. When I woke up...I thought, " Oh that's so funny! I can't wait to tell babe!" but then I realized...he's not there anymore. It happend so suddenly and so out of the blue, for me at least,that it's like feeling like I phantom limb I lost. There are better days then others, usualy if I work out hard, it makes it easier to throw myself into other thoughts, but days like today...when I wake up thinking about him...it's hard. One day I was getting kisses and hugs and " I miss you baby!" and the next day...nothing.

My meds are going pretty good though. The only thing that is still hard is how tired they make me feel. It's like I've stayed awake for three days and just ran a mile. Next week will be the real test! Back to school!

Lifes truths

I have the most amazing family in the world. I have two parents that are supporting me through my re-entry to college, and who's love never falls short. I also have an amazing cusin. He has been there for me when no others where. His words spoke to my level like no others. I find clarity now, where I had found tears only minutes before. I am quite pleased with the knowledge of understanding that...this is only one small point of my life, which I am sure, will be nothing short of many more low painful moments only shaded by the amazing high points.

#1

Workout day #1
I wasnt able to work out early in the morning because...I had to wait to get the equipment until late in the afternoon. I did however try hard to make a real effort at doing the exercises. I picked up a medicine ball and a balance ball also. I'm hoping on loosing at least 5lbs a week. Then that would mean around 40lbs for two months, and that would place me around 20lbs away from my goal waight. Sooo....we will see how it all goes.

Working out does make me feel better then I have been. It gives me time to think about how much I dont want to fly off the back of the tredmill and nothing of people who have fucked up as of late.

We will see hot I feel tomorrow hahahaha....oh the Jello feeling is pretty sweet!

Working out

It's hard when things suddenly become diffrent. I'm not a creature of change. I like to know about things, when, how, and why.

Out of the blue? HATE IT.

So...to get my mind over all that has happend...I am going to start throwing myself into working out. It's going to be kind of sad, but hopefully it will make a diffrence. If I loose 5 pounds a week like this week; then I will hopefully be at 30lbs by the end of the month. If I can loose 60lbs by the next two months then...I will be at my goal waight! Yayy me!

My brother in law just asked me to babysit my neice on what was my anniversary week...

This really sucks.

Skinny Inside and Out

I have officaly been on Metformin for a week now. Side effects? Holy cow! I usualy get pretty sick in the morning, like im going to puke warm nasty all over the place. Then once the food and the pills mix, I become so full I can barley walk. Sometimes, I will have a glass of water, part of a bowl of cereal, and I will feel like I'm carraying twins. There's some other side effects, however, I don't think you want to hear about them all....

So plus side?? I'm hardly hungrey anymore. When before I would become soo hungrey it would actualy make me sick, and I would almost feel like I was going to be sick if I didnt shove something in my mouth in seconds. Probobly because of this...my body has started to change like I've never seen it change before. I'm not excatly feeling like I have lost wait, but more like my waight is moving. My hip fat and stomach fat is becoming slimmer and my pants are hardly staying up anymore.

It makes me pretty angry knowing this is what has been wrong with me for the past 10 years and now, that I am 23 years old, they finaly find out what it is. It's a condition called Poly cystic Overies. It's the leading cause of infetitlitiy in women in the United States.

Making a choice

Soo....I've been using another blog...but...I'm done with that.

Life right now isn't excatly clear...but I'm pretty sure it will be.

I can't wait to start school again and throw myslf into it. I want to get started on my life again. I feel like I forgot to be a grown up lately.

I started my new medicaines and as far as side effects go...I've never slept so much in my life! I came home after the fair and a movie yesterday and went to bed at 11:30pm, and slept until almost Noon. Then I went back and took two naps each almost 3 hours. It's a pretty...strange time.

Right now. I'm just going to try to move on. Even if some people don't want to let me do it.

I almost forgot

This is what I have been up to. Nothing much. Lots of arts and crafts

I don't qulafie for Fedral Aid Because my parents ( Who don't pay for ANY of my school or anything of mine at all for that matter) make to much money.

My unemployment is going to be canceled because I was honest and said I was going back to school well I looked for a job.

I am not getting anything back on my taxes. I was expecting around $1500 but I'm getting $80 back instead.

I have to drop out of school.
I was doing amazingly well.
This was the first time I was actualy excited about going back to school.

Life really isn't worth it anymore.
I want to crawl in a hole.

OW

Root canal
OUCH
O U C H
Throbbing ouch

Not again

I hate valentines day.
I HATE valentines day.
I always have and I believe I am destin to feel that same way for the rest of my life
All I want is romance.
I want that dirty, staring deep into my eyes, telling me I'm wonderful and he's happy to be with me stuff.
He doesn't tell me I am pretty anymore. He doesn't tell me he's happy he's meet me anymore. He doesn't compliment me at all. I do the girl thing, say how ugly I am to fish a compliment out of him. However...it's not the same. It makes me cry late at night in the girly way I never would admit to anybody in person. I care about him. I make sure he has something to eat for lunch. I make sure that he is supported and feels wanted. I make sure to tell him how great he looks and how attracted to him I am.
I feel lonely.
I told him I didn't like valentines day. I was secretly hoping he would say " Not this year!" however he didn't. He told me that he broke up with his infamous ex the day before Valentines.

In his garage he had painted a murel with an ode to love. Her name in big red letters, hearts, and the words " I love ______" all over the place. He then very thinly painted it over in white paint and it's still completely noticeable. I can't get it out of my head.

I can't think of going through the pain of another failure of a Valentines day. This year I'm going to just stay home.

I hate this holiday

His overall's

Babe signed up for a welding class.
He went shopping for his equipment alone.
He came back with this adorably CUTE outfit

Oh Dr. Phil!

$170
I just spent $170 on my math books
College is EXPENSIVE! Damn Expensive!
I have had to much coffee
I'm excited about the new "Stimulating" tax refund!
I wish I could go out on a date tonight.
I haven't been "Out" in FOREVER

Childish

I feel as if I have lost what words I may have ever truly had. The words I once owned now just feel... cheapened.
It's true that growing up may be summed up by similar words, yet...I feel an uncompromisable situation arising when I think about loosing my childish nature.

Civil Litigation

Yaay!

School starts on Monday and I'm so excited I could just pee! I Re-arranged my schedule so I'm going to get a certificate to become a Legal Secretary well I am working to become a Paralegal. However...it's going to take FOREVER!!! Business English, Business Math, Typing Skill building, and Legal Professions for this semester. Next semester: Commencement of Civil Litigation, and Discovery Proceedings and those classes are the ones I am most interested in.

Yaa for College!

New pictures

365 #1-2

So since I have failed at starting my 365 project! So I'm going to start again! This time...let's see if I make it.

New Hair Color! I finished watching the "Breasts" Documentry and felt Inspired to join the fight for breast cancer! If only we could donate breast tissue to other women...I have some to spare, I'm not in need of anymore!

12 steps

Overheard at a 12 Step Meeting
Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood - don't go there alone.
Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously.
Be profound, funny or quiet.
After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything.
I don't need your help today.... Love, God.
Our sickness is between our ears.
Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.
Don't expect to learn about people from books; a person can't fit in a bookcase.
Now I can wake up and say, "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God, it's morning!"
When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.
When the world comes to an end, it will do so without my permission.
If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends a jackass, ride it.
There's no one too dumb for this program, but it's possible to be too smart.
All I wanted was to control you, myself and everything else.
My disease is an elephant. As long as I remember it's there, I won't get stepped on.
Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than to hear a strange voice.
Reality can be hell when you're only visiting.
God save me from myself.
We're all here because we're not all here.
Constructive criticism: I tell you what's wrong with you.
Destructive criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.
My mind is out to get me.
I need to get the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.
Come to ninety meetings in ninety days. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your misery.
Things I turn over to God most easily are those things already fixed.
EGO: Easing God Out
God has never been a problem in my life, but I have been a problem to God all my life.
I know that I'm not yet the person I can be, but I thank God I'm not the person I used to be.
If you think you're happy, you are. If you think you're wise, you're not.
When I don't have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise.
I can borrow trouble only at high interest rates.

Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

It been a week since I have seen my little bank boy. It's really the first time we have been apart for this long since we first started...dating...seeing eachother...whatever. Maybe that's what bothers me...we don't call eachother " Girlfriend" Or " Boyfriend" and that is really starting to bother me. It's getting to be almost 5 months. Let me take the time to be a girl right now... 5 months is almost 6 months which is half of a year. IT'S TIME!! Get over your commitment issues buddy! Sigh.......

In other news! I diyed my hair!

New Pics

The Fat From Within

The Past Year:

This past year has been... I don't know how to explain what happened to me this
year.
I moved out
Moved back in
Quit retail
Started a
professional career
For the first time in 7 years I quit working
Decided
to go back to College
Had reckless fun
Let myself fall in Love
Had Sex
and for the really big first...I can't wait to see where the next year
will take me.

Love:

He likes my fat. He's not the first. He is however the only one who feels no shame in loving it. I for the first time feel like He likes it like a man would like the tight fitting sexy pants on a thin women. It gives me an exhilarating feeling. It makes me feel powerful again. He makes me feel like a women again. This is a quality I don't think I can ever substitute again.

Life:

My Mom woke up early to go shopping and buy a new pressure cooker for this meal my Dad had asked for. She cooked for hours. Cut, sliced, diced, and then patiently stirred, checked and waited for it to finish. A great evening with Ray and my parents was sure. However, as we where watching T.V. something first rumbled, then erupted ending in a huge crash/bang/boom. Ray and I look at each other then jump up in unison running to the kitchen. There we find my parents, both still alive yet they look kind of shocked. The pressure cooker is now upside down, on the floor, sitting about 5ft from the stove and the kitchen is now splashed with a red sauce which covers the stove, counters, adjacent cabinets, corner hutch, roof, and table. I couldn't stop laughing. My mom couldn't stop laughing. Mom, Ray and I cleaned the kitchen all together.

Volunteer:

Tomorrow I'm going to donate blood
Sometime next week I will start at the food bank helping preparing food to feed the homeless
Yay for having something to do!