Exotic Beauty

Do you ever feel like there is no volume to your life? I feel I have been living in a world, being taught methods and morals for which create a box in which I will later add years and months of experiences and ideas. However hard I work and keeping myself busy, there seems to be a nothing that creeps into everything. There have been moments when my head feels like it's spinning and things are almost to crazy for me to control, but when the calm hits after the storm, I'm left with feelings of loneliness and as cliche as it sounds..." emptiness".

The thoughts of picking up and moving is the only solid thing I seem to be able to grasp. Ideas of Japan, Africa, far off, quiet, secluded places where loneliness will no longer matter because of their exotic beauty. Today, it feels as if I would be jetting off from a standing position to a sonic speed to get where I really want to be. Is that even possible? I presume this is all made worse by my new morbid fascination of Mydeathspace.com Seeing how people, so young, so involved in what small things are happening around them, they somehow failed to ever complete a life worth living. I'm not saying these people died fairly, or have in some way lived a life not worth living, but that...at the time of their death, I would find it hard to not wish I had done something...more. I too, often struggle with saying what NEEDS to be said, and doing what is right, but I focus now more on " thinking clear". Living a mentally healthy life where I am happy, and free of regret that ties me down. The choices I make are full of complex deliberation in even the most simplistic of situations. " Do I go to class tonight?" " Is this just a further deterioration of my willingness to go back to school?" " Am I afraid of failure?" and these thoughts continue until I get to a place where I am comfortable with myself. I keep finding that I know so little about myself. Those around me learn by discovery. I hold a jealousy of sorts towards people who find themselves surprised by who they are through an experience. We see it in movies all the time, the moment the character, who has obviously been struggling through something, finally realizes what or who they want to be, and there is violins playing and wind blowing and a moment worthy of an Oscar they become something beautiful. It's as if the Caterpillar was emerging from it's cocoon. I am no Caterpillar. I set each stage like I was preparing for an Olympic opening. Hours of thoughts and preparation, practice, and even the occasional doubt. I however, unlike my blossoming friends, seem to foresee these changes in my life, steering myself in the correct direction mentally and preventing these moments of...for the lack of a better word, ignorance.

I am however safe from a life drearily spent thinking the world is ugly and hideous. I see beautiful glowing light all around me, and even the dank and dark seems beautiful. Where some see an awkward conversation between friends, I see a beautiful dance of happenings and possibilities. I presume I literaly see my life as a movie and the characters, strangers, and in moments I can almost hear the orchestra keying up, bows in the air, conductors, arms preparing to flail, and magic waiting to happen. It's the moment when you realize that, anything can happen at anytime that I believe you can almost become free from thoughts that keep us..." Safe". That happenstance meeting in the elevator can be the moment that changes your entire life. The parking spot you choose could save you from a freak instance. Saying what you really want, and things turning out completely wrong, can lead you to a path in which you realize your real potential and dreams, and without the first disaster, you are nothing. It seems my life is full of these silly thoughts. I am some days honored, and others, suffocated. Living in a balance I suppose is the importance.