To be honest...

I've slept for two days straight, I've saculded myself to the Collette cave, and I've embaressed myself and endagered my life by drinking myself out of boredome. So today...I am going out. I'm going over to a friends house and I'm doing what I realized years ago as " Building my net". I know myself, and I know my past, and as a person who lives in this strange cliche circle of depression/determination, I know that I will need to at least try to get somebody to talk to again. I need a friend who I can spill the dank, dark, and dirty thoughts going on so I can hear those almost orgasmic words of " I TOTALY understand! I've felt like that too!" or the even better " I'll be there for you! I care about you so much". To the outside reader, this may sound silly, or even kinda stupid to be writing. HOWEVER, I know that there are so many people out in this wonderful world that are going though what I am and they might be feeling at the end of their ropes as I have many times before, and if one person happens across my little corner of the internet and sees that there is a way out, a way in, a way at all, to get to that next level they need, then I am happy to embaress myself for their benifit.

This being part of my own self digignosed treatment, I will turn to blogging often in the next few months. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I have years back in written form. I've been writting in blogs and journals since I was around 12 or 13 years old. To be compleatly bluntly honest, I will say that they are the real reason I am still alive. There are people who can say things like " I've survived cancer," or " I'm a survivor of the blahblah war..." I think of every day that I don't let savere depression get the best of me, I have survived. I thought myself crazy for many years, and when I figured it out, and started to get my life back in order, everything became unraveled as it often does. Being told, that the medicine I was going to start taking would cause boughts of depression I almost had a chuckle to myself thinking..." Living my life in a hell trapped inside a body that is full of pain and not functuioning?" or "Living in a mind that is sick and is a constant battle to keep healthy" ? Hmmm, what should I do?? I decided that becoming mentaly healthy and strong aginst...myself is a matter of a daily battle and that the stuggle is best fought fast and stong. I build a list of things I can do to stay healthy, mentaly, and build a strong network of people I can talk to. I know that when things get utterly embaressingly dirty ugly, and I feel like there is no way that I could possibly talk to anybody about it, that I HAVE To, and once I set myself to it, I think nothing more of it, and force myself to do what's needed. I'm so lucky.