फ्री फल्लिंग

I know why I'm fat. Because every time something hurts me deep down, I do everything I can to not cry. When I was younger, I was the joke maker of everything. I told everybody by showing them how STRONG I was. How unique I was. How I was more then fat, ugly and awkward. The truth is, I was never strong enough to deny the lump that grew in my throat. I would shove food in my mouth trying to get that feeling to go away, sometimes it festers on for days, even months until I can't handle it any more, and I have to sooth it with cake and ice cream, and telling myself lies. I shove comfort that I haven't found anywhere else down my throat and wait for the release of it's grip around my neck and wait to be able to breath my sweet breath of ignorance again. When you shape your entire world around people and things...and then you realize....you, not them, where wrong, you have a moment of....how to describe it...you know when you take a step without looking and the floor is actually a few feet further down then where you thought it was? It's like that. Except, it's feeling like my floor may be a few miles under the cloud I've been living on.