AGhhhhh!!!!

Okay....I know I have issues. But....he left me to sit by the phone alllll night long. Waiting. Waiting. And waiting. Finaly when he didn't call me I just texted goodnight and tried to force myself into some sort of rest. He hasnt called me back yet. He hasn't returned my text. It's almost 11am. Nothing. Tomorrow is his birthday. Tonight my family is going camping. I wasn't going to go but now I think I will. Love fucking SUCKS!!!

True True

OWWWWW

My teeth HURT!!!! I need to get my health insurence back.

Gday

Today I spent getting things all settled and in order for school. It was a looooong day of waiting. Waiting at the dmv and waiting for the counselor at the College. So when I got home I decided to do my girl thing and I'm going to do my nails and do a facial. Being a girl has its privileges!

2day

So I decided that I wont wait till sunday to start this 365 project...im to restless

Day One

I feel better.
I talked it out.
I talked silly and irrational and stupid.
I put on my new pink panties with the heart shaped cherries and my new shoes and walked around my room talking to Ray.

I decided what I could do with some of the time I have free now that I don't have a job ( I'm going back to College in Januarary). I'm going to work on the " 365" project. What you do is take a picture Everyday for a year. Pretty straight forward. I love photography and I love gadgets. With my new Helio, great digital camara, and amazing 35mm I really don't have an excuse to not at least try. So I'll update weekly 7-days of pictures every Sunday.

I'm watching "Intervention" It's the best show EVER.

Who is me?

I feel.
I feel to much.
I think I lost myself. Loosing myself.
I hate feeling like this.
The things that used to intrest me in one day have turned into...figuritive dust.
I don't know what I like or dont like anymore.
Who am I?
Where did I go?

Call me to say...

I hate when things get sticky. I get the feeling like ice cream between the fingers and know that things are going to be...hard for the next few weeks. We arint the same. I pushed for commitment and it kinda puked back in my face. Make this week over! I'm going to shave my legs. That always seems to make things better. And I can sit and watch the phone from the tub. Maybe I will feel less lame that way. Stop being irational Collette!

I love my Helio

I love my new phone

Bored

Sketch your photos at dumpr.net

Helio Ocean - QWERTY

Helio Ocean - QWERTY
Originally uploaded by anearthling

Soon! YOU WILL BE MINE!!!!

Ummmmm sooo.....

Doctors appointment tomorrow. Kinda scared. Kinda not wanting to go. Kinda Having to face reality. Kinda not wanting to do that.

Note to self

I re-read that. Yeah. I know how obvious it is that he's in love with her and I'm.....the rebound girl. It kinda sucks. I really really like...liked, like him.

Whoops babe! Was that your foot?

I keep forgetting how to be honest to myself. Things are... sticky. Things have become hard for me to understand. He says he doesn't still love his ex. He can't walk into town or go shopping in the only local store because of the off chance he might run into her. He says it's the pain of spending such a long time with her and having messed up by drinking and loosing the kids not her. I've never felt so ugly and unwanted as I did tonight. I thought I was going to be sexy but his glances got caught watching TV. I just got up and went to bed. He just kissed me goodnight and I finally just got up and left the room. Goodnight babe. I won't be up this weekend. How can somebody make you feel so beautiful and wanted one day and then so lame and ugly the next? How do I let this happen? How do I not want to walk away? Love? Sex? What is it that has me captive? I just want to curl up in a ball sometimes. Can I please get a friend sometime? Ill I want in life is somebody to hang out with. Somebody to talk to. Somebody to drink and watch golden girls with me.
He's staying in my room on the floor. I want to walk in the room and accidentally step on him and then quickly jump in bed and act like it wasn't me. It will make me feel better. I'm sure of it.
Goodnight

Please and thank you

Remind me when I get through this....to stop being to damn needy.

Actual Gain

Is it the past that can no let us go or can we ourselves not let the past go?

I wonder if it where to be reasonable to assume that in letting go that we might then become unable to understand the things that we have painfully come to accept. In the unfavorable instances in which we can not forget what is it we are exactly loosing? Is it the ability to live free with the knowledge of the consequences without knowing the argument? Is it the blooded walls without the war? When is it “okay” to let go a struggle long past without loosing that in which we have actually gained?
Questions still unanswered and reasons still unknown and yet, you ask yourself to release your heart from this pain and let that in which you now know remain. Let these “ Mistakes” be unrepeated and let the lifes you have lived become one again. We are a people of knowledge. We strive from understanding regardless of the favorable views and we become who we are. These are the choices we make and sometimes I fell…burdened to my own heart to hear only the voice that speaks from within. How often do we “filter” the noise around us? The hum of traffic from the evening, or the sound of birds chirping through the beyond? We filter through our days unknowingly and sometimes unwillingly. We leave behind many sounds and maybe unwittingly many voices. To say “ Goodby” maybe we forget that we are letting something go to only accept the louder clearer voice through. To me it’s no longer the voices forgotten or the voices louder then thunder, it’s the voices unheared. To release the people tied to the feelings we have trapped, is the only way we might “ learn” anything. To forget that which I have learned, and to surpass that which I do not need any longer I must accept that there is more to what the eye sees or further, what the eye feels. For when you see bueaty do you not feel it also? Does the feeling of happiness not glow from ones face?
I guess we all need to create the perfect atmosphere to grow frgivness. It starts with a little acceptence and part guilt. Guilt grows into fustration and fustration into what many people belive is acceptence yet wrather is the knowledge of the uncontroable. When we understand that there are things beyond our control we learn that somethings…happen for a reason. Knowing this we also know somethings happen for no reason and with that, how can we still not let the horrible go? We are a glutten for guilt and not being sure that’s a “ Bad” thing I must accept that this is what makes us a people of forever change. We fear the unknown and that often in the case of guilt…is ourselves.

But!! I'm NOT a moo!!!

I have been hiding. Learning the lessons I needed to learn out of town and out of reach. He has been there for me. Letting me hide out in his cabin away in the trees. However. I feel I have come home with a new burdon. I fear we may be to much alike to be able to exsist as this pair everybody keeps telling me we are. Another one, I can't afford the upkeep on.....

.....................................................................................................Uh-Hh! It's...good. It's all....good!

ducky

Watching yourself grow up from the outside in is...strange. I took the weekend away from Santa Rosa, away from my family, away from work, and away from myself mostly. Remind me that he opens my car door, gives me swirly feelings in my stomach when his eyes catch mine and that when he cooks, or is busy arguing with his daughter he is MOST SEXY. Remind me of sitting out on the deck looking through the giant redwood trees listening to the sounds of nature rustle past us and of what finding somebody who thinks a lot like you sounds like. Now, in this moment, I can say that his qualities are good for me, and I am finely comfortable thinking that he may not be the one, but that he is just another life lesson waiting to be understood. ......He is really sexy when he's cooking...

I guess I waited long enough. I got tired of " waiting"...I figured..." What the hell am I waiting for?"...????? so...I let go.

As for this weekend? I will be spending it up at the resort, getting pampered with breakfast in bed, and dinner and a movie.

Now....if only I could get to sleep!

Big Daddy....yeah, I thought it was creepy when he called himself that too....

New person
He's Ray
I'm his Teller.
He took me to the Redwoods
We had fun
He's good for R&R

yep

I got fired from Target.
I got hired at Gap.
I left gap To work at Sleep Train.
I Hated Sleep Train and went back to Gap.
I left Gap to Go work for the Credit Union.
The credit union placed me in Navato, Windsor, and Ukiah.
He was just another guy I liked to flirt with to keep my day fun.
He ended up in my line more then once.
I said yes to his date and ended up actually going
He ended up being the sweetest guy I have met in a long time.
He brought me a rose at work the day after.
He in some strange way has turned out to be a pretty amazing guy.
When I see him, My stomach and heart do a wild sexy tango.
I almost can't wait to see him again.
And...I hope he turns out at LEAST to be a good friend, because DAMN, He's a fucking catch!

Date numero ono

..............first dates.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't even know how to catagorize it. Dinner and a Movie. He walked me to my door!! He opened all the doors for me. He bought me dinner! Is it strange I fear he might too grown up for me? He's talking about mortgages and soccer games! I need to go to sleep. I want a grilled cheese sandwich.

Bank Boy #2

Um......Three hour phone conversation. I love the butterfly feelings. When he came into my work today the teller next to me pointed out how nervous I make him. He couldnt look me directly in the eye, his hands shook a little, and since I hadn't called him in a few days...I could tell he was obviously even more nervous. I told him to call me and I told MYSELF that this was my new life, and that I was going to pick up not because of him, but because he represents all the times in the future I will try to say " Guys don't like me!" Or " Im ugly". I'll remember him, nervous and shaky, at my window, asking me to dinner, and i'll always remember out first date...which is tomorrow. Oh...yeah. Okay, now I made myself nervous by calling it that! Thanks collette! We'll see...things are a little diffrent then I'm used to. He's past his party years, he's got some years on me...15ish to be excat and he has a child, which is...big. He's sweet. Really really sweet and intresting. Honest which is refreashing. Also...he seems belivable, which is..important to me at this point in my life.

......Ye...ahh......

...............................................ummmmmm...............

.........does this even make since??

I totaly woke up this morning. Turned on my music, danced in my socks. I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep. Where have I been? The loss of everybody I know does not sting any longer. It confuses me, but I am learning. I try to not blame myself any longer. I try to look forward to tomorrow and think of only today. I try to not read to much into every situation and become happy with what I DO have. I celabrate my sucess and wish for more and thats what I feel I was really missing for so long. Determanation to move on, grow, live. I lost that somewhere in the hussle of...finding myself. And how clishe is it to say, " I had to get lost before I could find myself"? I am still so very lost, but it's in that knowldge that I now find comfert. I learn these things slowly and use them to remind myself of how YOUNG I really am. I have so much to learn. So much time to discover. So much time to hate myself for changing for other people.

I don't like what is happening. I don't like where my friends are. I don't like being told I shouldnt call people who refuse to talk to me. my friends. I Should stop trying. I should of stopped long ago. I shouldnt call, hoping....maybe this time!! MAYBE....I should give up. Walk away. I'll fall in love with another group. Set myself in a new life. Work into new problems, and learn to live again. I don't want to. Each one of them has slowly stopped talking to me. The only one who is always there feels it's all his fault. He actualy apoligised to me one night. We where sitting in his truck, and he started to explain something to me and mid sentence he stopped and said " You know...it's my fault...and I'm sorry" "For what?" I asked and he said " They pretty much have dropped you because you are hanging out with me" I wish I had the courage to of looked him in the face when I said what I said because maybe then he would belive me...but what I said was nothing more then the compleate truth...." If that's what is going on, then I count myself as lucky, Because I walked away with the best deal of the entire group" And I did. I walked away with the most caring, shy, geeky, rude, crude, halurious, missunderstood, mysteryous best friend in the world. And I know that's only part of what really happend. But...It breaks my heart in half to know he carries that waight. If only his secreats where anything but and he could become free and they would understand...I wish they could. I wish I didn't promise him his life would not become my gossip, and I wish they would...understand. I wish they would trust me. I wish........haven't you people ever seen the movie secreat garden? What's wrong with you?? Havent you seen the movie??

I find myself planning " Girl Nights" where their idea of crazy is drinking to much wine. I find myself going on dates with people who have " careers". I find myself going to company picnics and working on my posture. I wake up every morning to go to a nice office job, a normal 9-6 where my most trubling moment is...when my nail breaks and I've forgotten nail glue at home. My bills are becoming smaller, and my habits are becoming less, and I can go without a ciggaret for a week and not even flench. I've gotten asked out 3 times now in the past month and I found myself explaining them to my mom and cought myself..." Men". I called them " Men" insted of boys. I suprise myself every once in a while. As I lay in bed late at night day dreaming of my dates...I stop and go " OMG!!! He's a fucking doctor!" Or " OMG!!! HE PARTNER in the family bisnuss!" Because...every once in a while, My life will become something it hasn't in a long time...Stable. I will forget this all in a while. Who I was and who I am will become something of a memory and...I will think of you every once in a while. I will think of what I have left behind and how much fun it was. I will only think of the good things and hope we can have a re-do sometime. But...my new life...? It's kinda grown up...I feel the need party or do something to make sure this change isn't so fucking seamless. I feel...like I'm loosing a battle I am destin to fight and destined to win...but...when has winning ment all the glory?

Letting Go

Why are the words goodbye, I’m sorry and I love you, so easily pronounced, but so hard to say?

Okay

OKAY!!

So I've paid off two credit cards and am well on my way to pay off another one next month.

That leaves me with one credit card and only the necessary bills.

I cleaned my mess. Realized I was holding onto things to tightly. Realized that I was worried of loosing everything when in fact...I really had nothing.

I lost a lot people. Lost a lot of people I had fun with. But I realized that I have a really good friend standing in front of me. He's everything I want in a lover and I realize only now in this past month that well it may not be him, Rather I should never settle for anybody less then what he has shown me.

I realized that who I am is not what I will be tomorrow and that I need to try new things.

I realized that I am so afraid of love and living, I will sabotage all those who stand before me and ask to be into my life.

I know all these and accept them.

on that note....

MY PARENTS ARE BACK!!

They went to Disneyland to celebrate there 30th wedding anniversary

How fricken cute is that?

bank boy

Long awkward conversation with bank boy.
Had to have 3 cigarettes before I could even pick up my phone.
Long silences.
He's...much older then me.
He has an 11 year old daughter.
He's really sweet.
He is partner in a family owned business.
It's a thriving company.
He owns his own home.
He recently in the past year became clean and sober.
He's very handsome.
He's 14 years older then me!

Dates

When cute guy asks you to dinner, and you give him your number, and he calls you....your supposed to pick up your phone....not me. I freak out and am hardly able to pick up the phone to look at the voice mail! He's really sweet. Cute. Successful. Actually has a career. Owns a home. lean and sober....I can't possibly call him back!

30th

My sisters and I threw my parents a surprise 30Th wedding Anniversary Party

The party was a smash! I hate when my mom cries...It makes me cry and I'm not a crying person!!! It was nice to be able to show them how much they mean to us though. My sister did most of the arrangements and she did a damn fine job!

In other news...I got bored...thus self photography..

I PAID OFF TWO CREDIT CARDS!!!!! Three more to go. One more in a month!!! I'm getting out of debttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!

late

Ever feel like you are screwing everything you touch up? I feel like there is no middle ground on anything I touch lately. I screw a lot of good stuff up lately.

Wild fucking party next week! Be here or be square! themes, booze, sexy sexy! WORD!!!

Fat and ugly

I'm being fired from the best job I've ever had because I can't afford to buy cloths. Apparently I dress horrible. I feel like a big fat dirty ugly slob. My boss agrees. She feels I should be dressing more " Appropriate". I wear my nice brand new $70 work slacks. Heels, closed toe. Collared shirts, ironed and washed daily. Kick me in the head.

Update

So my cell phone is gone. Don't try to call me I guess. I'm crying a lil bit.

Impor!

Smile at a stranger

Forgive the person who cuts you off in traffic

Always be ready to forgive somebody a million times who has forgive you once

Remember that even though 7pm comes everyday, it's a brand new hour in your life every time you live it

Never be to big to say you where wrong

Love with both your heart and your stomach

Never let yourself take your dreams away

Never let somebody tell you " you could be better if..."

EVERY SINGLE DAY Tell yourself " Your Beautiful!"

Remember that if you have money trouble, stressing about it everyday is worthless because the bills will be there regardless!

Ton

I had plans to go to the gym tonight. But that friend didn't call me back.

When my car got towed...he paid the guy off to get it out before they took it to in-pound. He's an awesome friend.

Get out!

You. Leave my mind alone!

Carl is our new buddy!

..........................................................I talk to much. I think to much. I talk a lot of shit and....I feel not good enough. I don't have an anwser for this one...

Last night was...it was nice.

Tru Dat!

Whatever you say....

Your results:
You are Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)

Malcolm Reynolds (Captain) 70% Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic) 60% Wash (Ship Pilot) 50% Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command) 35% Jayne Cobb (Mercenary) 35% Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic) 35% Derrial Book (Shepherd) 35% A Reaver (Cannibal) 30% Inara Serra (Companion) 20% Alliance 20% River (Stowaway) 5%

Honest and a defender of the innocent. You sometimes make mistakes in judgment but you are generally good and would protect your crew from harm.

Click here to take the "Which Serenity character am I?" quiz...

Today

I almost called you today. I reached for the phone and then remembered. I had the conversation anyway. I would of started the conversation in the middle like i usaly do and you would of said " hI" with the inflection in the wrong spot like you usualy do and we would talk about what we did the night before. Me starting first, in my shameless attempt to make you like me more, I would start to tell you about him and tell the same things I have told you a million times before and then I would ask about your day and you would tell me about how lame be-bo was and I would come up with some brillient plan to make things better and I would explain to you an entire conversation I would never ACTUALY have and with full intentions on having it you would remind me...Im full of shit. I would then bring up our group and how sucky things are now and you would agree and then we would talk about fixing it and then you would become busy and have to go. Thats who we are. I guess I feel a lil stale thinking of it now.

In other " Not just for one person" news,
I found me a hottie mc hottie at work today. He's geeky cute and will at least be able to fill that huge gaping hole of lonelyness until I find something real. Speaking of that of the unreal; he wants to go to the movies, im proud of him.

Dont dissapoint me again...

sad

I still miss you. I lurk but it only makes me sad.

Inspire

Instead of seeking new landscapes, seek new eyes
-Marcel Proust

Again

It's not his now graying hair, or in the shaking hands he tries to hide. It behind his eyes, hidden within the words or meaningless conversations. I hear it over and over, and though he speaks softly and slow, it seems to ring through my ears as a scream of pain, a cry for help, a howl for something to finaly be true.

Lame!

Sooo....I decided, Im just going to try a little patch...see what it looks like...then a little became a little more. then a little more became too much and too much became the whole thing and the whole thing became...both and both become a MISTAKE! I always told myself I would never give in and shave my arms. I always had big ugly hairy arms and I loved them, but then, months of people saying things...I gave in...I feel LAME!

You

It's not easy for me to ask for help. It's never been me who was the one that needed the help....well...thats not true, I just am not the one to ask or accept it when I need it. I tend to make the same mistakes over and over agian. You may not be able to add my devotion in $ or in any other visual amount, but the obvious addiction to your happiness is proof enough. When the world turned on you, and the truth came out, I was there. When friends turned on friends, I choose you! I was there to hear you cry, I was there to get your mind away. I brought you gifts to get your mind off of the sadness, and I left those behind that hurt you. I WAS THERE! I realized last night...I needed her. I needed somebody there to...BE THERE for me. I needed a friend to keep me strong when I know I couldnt. I know I had to face this soon enough and head on because I wanted to get it away for my mind...I wanted you to be there for me. You didn't show up. You didn't call. You wheren't there, you wherent even close. It hurt. I won't lie. It hurt a lot. Im sorry, because this is it. My heart can't keep being stepped on, walked over and dissapointed. Even though it breaks my heart even more to loose what I am giving up...however I feel...I have already lost it.

Returned

It makes a thump of sorts as it drops to through my chest, making it's way past my blackening lungs through the thining curves of my hips down to the very back dark pit where I push my noticable tears to, where I hide my fear and where butterflys run wild. This is what it feels like to be alone. This is the feeling that everytime I think about it, I swear I will never experience again. When my heart settled to the very bottem of my stomach today I realized that... this is not something I won't be able to walk away from this time. I feel like anything I ever cared about is hopelessly gone. My friends.....the people I used to be friends with...they walked away. I look at my phone calls and realize...the last time somebody JUST called to....say hi.....months. Lots of people calling me back..returning my plees for contact. There are so many who have walked in and out of my life. I miss them. He walked away so easy. My heart feels like its broken in a million peices. He was my best friend. I really got along with him. And he walked away. She, she woke up. It's never going to be the same...

Lame

I'm Bored. I made plans to go out. He didn't call back. Im Hungrey. There's no food in the house. Today Sucks.

I presume there are many things in my life I hold in a much diffrent light then that in which they first shone. I've sidelined myself in my own life. With not a great deal of understanding I have distenced me from my......self. Part of me just pushed pause waiting for that moment when I didn't feel like I was just spinning my tires.

He pushed play tonight. Porqué?

Star(s)-fish

It's seeping through my thoughts.
It's perfect. Not Perfect.
Not amazing. Completely amazing.
Completely impossible.
Possible?
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over in complete Crystal amazement.

Never such an amazing person have I met.
Never such an amazing person have I lost.
Thinking about it makes me sick, not thinking about it makes me giddy, wanting it makes me think about how I can't, not wanting it makes me feel as if I will never get what I deserve and looking into his eyes...makes ME melt.

WOOOOOoooOOOOOOW!

He asked me to come over....I said " Sure" and never showed up....

Is it possible to be sick and tired of things that make you the happiest? I'm so over drinking, going out, hanging...I just want to step back and hopefully " It" will come to me. It seems like... the only things I look forwards drinking. Every week its a new argument. Every week it's a new dissapointment. Everyweek, it's me getting my hopes way up for another let down. Each week we all seem to be falling deeper and deeper into what...We all know would happen. Maybe we didn't care. Maybe they didn't think of this when they first started. Maybe he thought, " this is my way in" when in fact...he's only trying to give himself a way out. I told him that. He said I over think things. I told him he under thinks things.

#345432

My secret is that....I have said I don't want to get married lots of times. But If my dad can't walk me down the aisle, then there is no way I ever will. Happy fathers day.

drinking day

Makers Mark...

 

Burbon....

Rhythm and Blues

My heart aches for the truth sometimes. When I wake up...I just want to know. I want to know everything. The world has so many mysteries. I'm captivated by the simplistic and mesmerized by intricate. It's a child like existence. Looking at everything as if it where the first, and feeling everything as if it was the last. The taste of the evening air. The rhythm of your steps. Identifying beats as if they where your heart pumping the very blood through your body. It's the rhythm of life. Captivation of such a sweet curse...

It

I'm tired of living my life in theory.

Goodbye

Saying goodbye is never easy. Saying goodbye to "who" a person is...is even harder.

RULE #1 YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!!!! Ass hole!

Would you all stop putting it in my head!

Maybe in an alternate Universe......

I wonder where my story will start.

When I get bored.....

Honestly

I keep loosing my words into my the space between playing golf in my front yard and sleeping in a chair. I find there are contradictions of who we are and what we want. He doesn't posses the eloquence in his words yet when I look into his eyes it pours through. He doesn't have an understanding for the systems of us. He doesn't even give into my demands of friendship. Yet, I'm realizing that possibly, that's what it is about him I cherish and crave.

Hypnotic

I realize, things, events, emotions, set in motion years ago, are erupting into my life today. I'm happy with where I have found myself. I stopped by Gap today. Just to say Hi. See how things where going. I miss it. I miss dancing in the middle of the floor with John. I miss folding entire floors and being able to admire my hardwork in it's emedite visual impression. I miss coming home tired after a day of running around and yet...I dont. I think my problem or my blessing in my eyes, is that I am constantly AMAZED by the world around me. Everything in this world is sparkeling. From the same morning lived every day for 22 years to the new life lost in unrealistic terms. I am constantly stunned by the uglyness of perfection and lost in the hypnotic tunes of faliure. What is it that makes my life so diffrent then yours? Why am I so ready to experience every day like it was my last? When did this happen? I'm going to take a friend to get drink now. And we are going to be suprising another friend at her work where she always begs us to come visit and if i where to die on my way to see her. I would die happy. I would die knowing, I am doing something that makes me smile and makes others happy. This is excatly how I want to life my life.

aMAZEing

For me, it's always been a maze. Something I started when I was younger, just being my way to digest life. We all spend time hiding things and organizing our experiences until we are once again comfortable in our own lives. I See it as the person to find their way back through the maze and puzzles we created...wins. I'm tired and becoming lazy once again and the creative words escape me yet the romantic idea i feel speaks for itself. I'm tired of leading guided tours through my past. I'm looking for a twisted, odd, and sometimes contradicting geek who doesn't get discouraged and likes the puzzle, the maze and the fight as much as I do.

Happy Birthday Travis...who didnt even show up!

 

 

Honestly

I have a normal job. No wild and crazy hours. I have a desk. I sit there. I enjoy the view. I sit there and smile. I talk to people and send e-mails. It's a very odd exsistance.

My real name

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Collette

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first three letter of real name plus izzie): Colizzie

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color and favorite animal): Maroon Gariffe

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name and current street): Nicole 3rd

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name, first three letters of mom's maiden name): Howcomon

6. YOUR SUPERHERO'S NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Black Blueberry Martini

7. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (Men: father's middle name and mother's middle name; Women: mother's middle name and father's middle name): Moneypenny Lynn

8. YOUR GOTH NAME: (Black, and the name of one of your pets): Black buster brown

9. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (the name of your childhood pet and the street you grew up on): Buttercup 3rd

Thats not micky mouse! THATS TIT DIRT!!!

Ummmm......Hi, I have the best friend in the fucking world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in your accountz stealin you monies!!!

Hi. I'm Collette and I'm addicted to golf. Sad thing that its a secret.

I'm learning, well..all be it slow, but I'm getting there. My plan is to learn a little and take my Dad out for fathers day. We'll see how it goes. I'm falling slowly in love with the nature of the game though. I find myself thinking..." Maybe if I get all my work done early....I can make it to the driving range and at least get 1 hr in before...." then I stop myself and realize...I just started work and it's 9am and I'm in Novato, pretending I know what I'm doing looking in your bank account :(

Photography

When I take a picture of a person, it's the best compliment I can pay them in my eyes. I find that through the lens I can see you in a different light then ever before. Your insecurities are obvious but not valid, your troubles are known but not printable, all I see is suddenly everything you mean to me. A perfect personification of the best of who you are. Suddenly your eyes seem to be screaming, your lips seem to draw a story across your face, and your hair is dancing to a secrete song as it dances through the wind. Why do I take so many pictures of you? Because I have never seen eyes so full, so open, so loud as yours. You make me hopeful again.

My photography remixed

New LIFE

One more day. ONE MORE DAY! It's only one more day looking at the most selfish, rude, crude, and demanding people I have meet in marin county and I will only miss it a little! I start my new job on Tuesday...SWEETTTT!!!!

Two Roads

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel
bothAnd be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I
could To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better
claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

By Robert Frost

There will be no way to top this.....year

Feelings

Nobody who isn't in love, kisses in the rain. Before I know it, my thoughts have carried me away and the pain of the shower beating on my skin brings me back to reality. Lately I've become more and more drawn into my own thoughts. It's the ability to completely remove myself from my surroundings that has kept me alive I guess. I laugh at those who try to reach me sometimes. It becomes a joke to only me and those not involved often don't find the humor. Yet, sometimes, I feel it's sneaking around my life, waiting for me to draw near the water, look to close to the edge, then it pulls me under.

PIP

Woooooooooooooowwwwwww!!! For realz! You wont believe what I just realized! And it makes me just a little bit happier to know it! What is it? You wont ever get to know, but know this... IT'S GOOOOOODDD!!!

Collette, Tequila and kelly

Wha u say??

I fear I have not been a very good friend. It's not so much in the past week, is more like in the past year. I feel like I am always relying on my friends and they can't really rely on me. My mind seems pickled permanently.

What makes me...me

It's so easy for us to blame others. We find it in a second nature to put blame or cause on others because to blame ourselves, we would first have to admit we are not perfect.

Is it that we are just running out of real things to talk about so we turn to talking about other people?

I'm watching extreme makeover and this girl is 25 and she has never been kissed. In one thought, I can say to myself, " Poor girl! She got the bottom of the deck there!" and in another way I keep asking myself how anybody could be so critical, so hateful of what they look like? Why is this so important!? Not only critical of how she looks...by why are people so critical of how everybody looks!? Maybe this is the problem... We all think everybody is critical of what we look like, so we are hard on ourselves, thus being hard on everybody else. It's a viscous cycle and yet the answer can be so simple! When did you last look at yourself and say " I'm beautiful!" When did you last stop yourself from being so critical about another person?

I feel the understanding of appearance all the time. Partially words and thoughts I'm placing in others mouths, but as a person who spends their time reading people and how they react to situations, you learn how you and others are treated based on your psychical dynamics. I grew up being one of these demons who fed off this cycle. I would wake up, being 10-11-13 years old, and praying to see anybody but myself in the mirror in the morning. I used to dream of the day that I would announce that I was not really fat at all! My whole life was a experiment that my family and I underwent to discover what it was to live in a body of a fat person. I would reenact the day when the bully would come after me and I would rip my fat suit off in some heroic act, wind blowing, golden lights shining and I would be beautiful and I would have no worry about what others thought because, the shame was now on their shoulder's. This however never happened. I would go to school, and I would find kids that where uglier then me and thank the heaven's I wasn't one of them.

The thing is...I have ripped off that fat suit! I'm not a word anymore! I guess it's more like a feeling! I'm what I am every morning when I wake up and know that I have a family that is healthy and loves me. I am what I feel for my friends who mean the world to me. I am what I have always wanted to be true of this world...No longer a word, a noun for what a person is, yet a feeling that defines me as a whole. This is my hope...that we all learn to love a person in a "feeling" at least once in our life. Remind somebody of this because we all seem to get a case of " If i just changed..." In fact....tell somebody what you really think today. Why don't we tell people what we really think ever?

New

Collette's latest creation! I took this out at Spring Lake, Santa Rosa, CA

My progress thus far:
I'm happy.
I will tell you every day what a blessing it is to wake up...and want to wake up. It's so hard to explain what constant deepression feels like.

The teller

yaaayyyyYY! I had the best birthday week EVER!!! Sometimes I wake up and I think back the life i have lived thus far...I would of never thought it would be possible. Me. Happy. Ask me 5 years ago and I would of told myself I wouldn't even make it to 18 yet something in me just kept going. I'm here, I don't plan on loosing it!

Last night as we sat around an open fire and the question was " What do you most worry about?" and my answer wasn't my family. I shocked myself last night. I realized that I blame a lot of my unhappiness on my family. I sometimes feel they could of done a lot more to save me from myself. I hurt myself so many times and they never even noticed let alone try to talk to me about it. It hurts a little realizing that and then knowing I must forgive them. However I feel the truth is the things in my past need to stay there. I need to keep moving on and keep surprising myself in ways I never thought possible.

AND!!!! I got a new job! No more retail! I now am a bank teller!!!! Yayyyy!!!!

EVER

I have pretty much the best group of friends ever!

FRIendS

I'm all dressed and have nowhere to go. I hate that! I make a semi plan with somebody, we plan on meeting up around 9 and so I get ready, do my hair, my makeup, shoes, blah blah, blah and...nothing. No call. I feel stupid and bored. Plus I am slightly overdressed for law an order...

Anyway, for my birthday my BFF Kelly bought me a digital camera which made want to pee a little! I've never had a really good friend that was a girl....but I think she's the kind of person I HAVE to keep in my life for my own happiness. Such a selfish thing to do, yet, I am not willing to let go!

Robert who knows me very very well got me lots of 35mm b&w film and a book I'm sure to eat up in this next week!

Scott got me a high definition photo printer! Holy shit what is with people getting me these really nice expensive presents?? They all know the way to my heart!

Day 2 of my birthday weekend

Sexy sexy Ladies!

This is travis! He pretty much throws awsome parties and is an awsome friend!

Kelly and I made a blanket for when we where hella drunk and slept in it all night