Whoops babe! Was that your foot?

I keep forgetting how to be honest to myself. Things are... sticky. Things have become hard for me to understand. He says he doesn't still love his ex. He can't walk into town or go shopping in the only local store because of the off chance he might run into her. He says it's the pain of spending such a long time with her and having messed up by drinking and loosing the kids not her. I've never felt so ugly and unwanted as I did tonight. I thought I was going to be sexy but his glances got caught watching TV. I just got up and went to bed. He just kissed me goodnight and I finally just got up and left the room. Goodnight babe. I won't be up this weekend. How can somebody make you feel so beautiful and wanted one day and then so lame and ugly the next? How do I let this happen? How do I not want to walk away? Love? Sex? What is it that has me captive? I just want to curl up in a ball sometimes. Can I please get a friend sometime? Ill I want in life is somebody to hang out with. Somebody to talk to. Somebody to drink and watch golden girls with me.
He's staying in my room on the floor. I want to walk in the room and accidentally step on him and then quickly jump in bed and act like it wasn't me. It will make me feel better. I'm sure of it.
Goodnight