This post started out good...but I got distracted twords the end

It creeps up, sneaks in, finds that hole in your life, whispers sweet everything to you and right when you think you have it....you don't. That's the cycle that life lives for me and when I think I understand, it's the time I am most confused. I'm aching for something to care about. Something, someone, or just something I can pour my soul back into. It used to be my photography that I cared for so much. It was a passion for me. Knowing that I was showing everybody, making them understand what It was like (FINALLY) to see things through my eyes. It was invigorating! I then got a promotion at work, everything I thought I was...I then was. Photography fell second to the world of management. I messed up and made the mistakes that I should of as a 18 year old but not that of a manager and lost that. School came and went and I told myself over and over, I'll never have the money it takes to be what I want to be, and that in the time I can go to school to be what I want, I will have wasted my life and sacrificed all that I really wanted which is...a life worth living. What is it I take for granted now? A family that believes in me. Friends that make me laugh. A young age, something that I forget once in a while. I'm 21, I was only a teenager 3 years ago. I have a lot to learn. I for some reason want a plan, a route pinned out knowing where exactly I need to go. Why do we do that as adults. We want to be able to say, this is where I should be and this is how far I am. We enjoy the idea that we can be better then others just based on our own opinions. Ex. In my opinion, I should be graduating college and have a career earmarked at this time. Anybody older then me, who has not achieved this...is worse then me, and anybody better, is my boss. Come on people, we all are living here by my standards! Live up to em! I am all mighty!

2007

What the hell am I going to do with my life?????????????????????????????????????? Ever feel a twinge of sheer PANIC?? A moment in which you realize...uhhh, what AM I going to do? Or better yet...when something you wanted to happen...happens, and then you are like..." I didn't think it would of actually happened...." Today's montra...." I can't control the future without controlling my now!"

Please!

Remind me not to assume I know what's going to happen in my life...before it happens! Thank you!

Good To know!

Mythbusters TV show host Adam Savage drops science on how to make a warm can of Coke cold in under 2 minutes!

That would be about 20-25 minutes in a freezer. If you put [the can] in a bucket of ice, that would halve that time. If you put water in that ice, it'd be cold (+- 5c) enough to drink in about 4-6 minutes, if you put salt in that water, you'd reduce the chill time to just over 2 minutes. Agitating the can in the water, rolling it around, reduces the chill time even more.The fastest possible way is to grab a CO2 fire extinguisher and unload that sucker on the can.

New Family!

hedge

I just had a randome thought...H...I think I have been waiting looooong enough! How about we have a myspace meet up? I'm thinkin ive been a good girl alllll year!

Note to self:

Things To Watch
Watch your "Thoughts," they become words
Watch your "Words," they become actions
Watch your "Actions," they become habits
Watch your "Habits," they become character
Watch your "Character", for it becomes your "Destiny"

I want to leave

Words are a fucked up thing. You use them to cut, and hurt people but the funny thing is that you dont even notice what they do.

here....

It's becoming blurry...I have eaten my share of fuzzy little bunnies today....Melt!

Real friends....

Bunch of fucking JERKS! I talked about playing poker alllllll week, Saying how I wanted to play sooooo bad, and I texted everybody today, early, trying to pull something together and nobody called back. Maybe one or two texts saying they aren't going to play...and then what? A call saying they are all over playing already at another guys place, and it wasn't even them who called to tell me there was a game on. Fuck that, if they don't want me there then I wont go, but that's Fucked up.
I'm feeling like such a sucker. I'm the girl who will drive everybody every party so they could drink. I bring you lunch or dinner when I visit, I go out of my way to make you comfortable. I will take you to and from work when you need a ride. Need $20? Suuuuure. Need me to drive you around town so you can take care of what you need? Suuuure. Yeah its my day off...You need somebody to take you shift? I guess so, I had plans...But Okay! Babies sick? I'll work that 12hr shift so you don't have to come in. I hold doors open for old ladies, Give up parking spots to moms with kids and put out my cigarettes when kids pass by. Please, thank you, Yes man, No Sir, Sure, Anytime, Don't worry about it, No thank you.......you know what FUCK YOU! I'm tired of being this fucking push over. Why make myself crazy doing all this for them when you wont even acknowledge me when I am ringing you up, Let the doors slam in my face, forget to call me back, ignore my texts....blah blah blah. Can you just forget about my feelings? Forget about me? Please? Because what your doing to me is even worse and hurts Even more then slamming all the doors in the world on my face. Please and Thank you!

hola

So tired...Should be sleepin, working overnight, brownies not done yet...dammmmmmmn.

When the world ends...

Don't be jealous, I went to The Dave Matthews Concert last night and yes it was AWESOME! You forget the power of the worlds sexist man belting out touching, memzmarizing words of love.

In other news, Life has taken a turn for...the different. He's different now. I'm mad at him because he took the person, the best friend from me and made him into somebody I don't know. I'm mad because he made me feel so horrible for making him feel like I haven't told the truth and yet, he has lied to me for this entire time. Huge elaborate stories with lots of eye contact make me feel like maybe I wasn't as close to him as I had thought. I feel a lot more alone then I have before. I'm mad at him because he is making me choose between my morals and my loneliness. It will take time it will change. Yet, I'm alone until then and I will find once again there is nobody to rely on but myself. Why would you lie to ME? Anybody but ME? You loved me...At one point I could stare into your eyes and see into you and you could do the same. Money has changed you. I hate it. Not you, but the thing that has changed you into this person who is NOT who I know. I miss...maybe it wasn't you, but I miss the person I know before all this ugly got to you.

Bigfoot? That's not funny! lol

I think I slept way to much last night. I called out to work and slept all day then went to bed around 7pm-10am today....Is that possible? 15 hour? Eh, I woke up maybe once or twice but damn, this is a GREAT morning! I want grilled cheese too!

I hope you can grapple with this news.....

Took my IQ test today....yep.....Don't want to you know...Rub it in but.....Yeah...I'm genius. I mean, I'm only higher then 91% of the world...yep...Your normal mastermind. Yet...Alas...I'm still really confused about the cucumber to pickle thing...And Grapples??? HOW?????

Q

Home Safe? Fuuuuuuucccckkkk. Hot? Cold? WTF? People, honestly, just pick a road and stay there!

I'm a little bummed....

Ditched for poker....story of my life.

Collette, The next generation

Now that I am completely insane I find it fitting to start blogging again. It's been a while, I wont lie. I pretended to be together and with it, but apparently things fell back into place and life once again takes on that ominous stink of...Life.
Moving back in with my parents sometimes feels like a fresh breath, I'm getting on top of my bills, and starting to save money. Yet as I take in this fresh tide of renewal, I get a sudden sensation of suffocation. The room is getting smaller and smaller, and the doors are always locked, it's way to hot and the food is gross. Along with the need to have my own gross food is the need to grow, become me, become what I'm not.
My day dreaming has become a problem. I do nothing more then live in this alternate reality and it is because of this that I have come to realize I'm moving away from the part of me that I hate the most. I need to set a lot of things in stone right now that have been balancing in jello for a while. People's feelings and hearts are at stake right now including my own and I owe it to them and to myself to figure this out. HOWEVER, a huge part of me would just enjoy running away to a cute town full of people who also have run away from their problems and are enjoying sitting in coffee shops, reading books and avoiding talking about their real lives and trying to fulfill their daydreams. Can I run away and live on the Star ship Enterprise? Q, Take me away.

Hurts!

Among other things I hate when the spoon falls into the milk well eating cereal. I also hate being a girl and when I HAVE to go to work. Things are needing balance again and I'm not so sure this time where to get that from...

Had you known what was going to happen...would you re-meet me? July 4th, 2005 ?

What I fell in love with was the allure of your secretes. Your life was something in which I had never discovered before. Each day you break open more and more of those mystery's and in my heart, it's thrilling, exciting, and wonderful. Yet, in my mind, It feels different. You are who you are, and yet, you have lost that luster, that mystery, or un-obtainable silver. I've always known you where out of my league, but I didn't understand why. I know now it's because it takes somebody great to hold on to all that in which you have to give. You have chosen somebody who is not worthy.

I feel really really really lonely all of a sudden. I was supposed to go to a Bar-b-q with the boys and was looking forwards to it but needed to get some rest first because I had stayed up the entire night before and then worked my ass off today at work, So i laid down, and didn't wake back up until way later when the boys had already come knocking on my door and left :( I'm so tired that driving was a BAD idea considering how I handled the ride home today. I was so tired my eyes felt like led and I had to air conditioner on full blast and the same with the radio, what a sight to see!

And Can I make an announcment...it's been 14 hours since I last had a smoke! Eh, wish me luck!

Life sucks

Happy Moving home with your parents day! Life fucking sucks and I'm embrasing my boomarang genaration needs and livin it up! Thanks! Ttyl

BROK-EN!

I'm stressing OUT! It's getting really hairy so to say. When my personal life gets going, my "Money" life spins out of control! It's getting hard just to live anymore and it's making me realize that I'm just very bad with money. I keep hoping somethings going to happen, like a money fairy is going to jump out of nowhere and pass me a million bucks and make all the drama go away. Ps, I've stopped anwsering my phone...and paying for it actualy....That's stupid.

Fuzzy life

Life is getting bumpy lately. Things are becoming sure, and then unsure, then safe and then not safe...Life is becoming...Life. It's hard for me to sometimes look at the bright side of things but I try to remind myself that things will get ugly just as easy as things might become pretty again. Bills, boyfriends, food, sickness, it's all rolled into what's running through my mind and for some reason...im not that worried and by that fact...I am worried. I am however looking forward sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to spending tonight with Robert. Dinner and a movie we both have been wanting to see. I love it! Maybe a nice glass of wine with a great Italian dinner, and then settling in to a sweet movie for two. Im excited!

Robert has been there for me in these past couple weeks. I admire a person who is willing to do what it takes to be a good friend and put forth the effort to see their dreams through. I want tonight to be special for us, we both deserve it.

here's me wondering if I should go get a new outfit for tonight... Part of me kinda wants one and the other half is buried under bills, I need to get more things for work...But I also need to eat this week...Can I just say...In my fridge right now their is nothing!

Whoops!

Life is strange. How does one person spend so much time trying to understand something they know is the greatest mystery of all time?

I got really messed up last night and forgot to not tell people my life story...wooops!

Poor

It's thursday morning and I got paid tuesday. I'm Poor already. This is fucking deepressing.

Sippen

When I wake up in the morning, It's nothing but a reminder that I'm just what I didn't think I would ever become. By night fall, I'm just as delusional as usual.

I'm going to kill you!

The funniest quotes of the week are as follows:

"your birthday was when? Are you sure?" - Another Gap Employee

" Can't you..you know, Find it in another store? Like Go on the Computer (Does a typing mime act) do some voodoo and find me that jacket? - retarded Client

Other then people being stupid work has been pretty nice. The managers got me a cake yesterday and sang me happy birthday which was sweet of them. Then for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to make an ass of myself. There's this guy who works with me who does not stop talking, For three hours straight, he Talked no joke. So I, being the smart ass I am, says " Who put @#$% on the closing shift? Because I'm going to KILL them!" This is when the head manager goes " It was me!" and I then turn to her and say..." Well your a dead women!" Maybe I will get more days off next week then expected...Smart move collette!

Thank you...

It was 21 years to the very date. 21 years ago, I was brought into this world. Sum my life up in one post? Not really, however I feel the need to say this.

I am for once, Happy. Maybe that's what has been scaring me so much lately. I remember to the very day in high school when I decided to end everything. I remember sitting in class, looking at life happening around me and thinking how everything and everybody hurt me. Their happiness, their living factor made me want to give up.

I also remember the first day of high school when I was walking through the halls and it was as if something hit me...It just felt different. I was living, and it was me, not somebody else's life that was effecting me, it was ME! I kept waiting for the speaker, the teacher, the friend, the person, who was ready to reach out and touch me, reach out and make since, make my world somehow fall into place...And it never happened. I got bored and decided to do it for myself. If I didn't make that jump, if I never woke up and decided not to die, what would of happened? Where would I be? Not here that's for damn sure!

The life Vibe

I'm waiting for life to start. It's a feeling balling in behind my eyes, between my toes, vibrating in my stomach, looking for a road to diverge within. I live between the lines and from these lines I draw my future. I want to live, walk away and breath for the first time. The feeling of boredom seems to take hold of my body and plant me into the ground I walk. Make me wake up! Make me live, make me enjoy the air in which I draw for life. Make me

Yaaaayyy!

Oh dear god i forgot how good this feels! It's been ages since I last had a computer in my place and now that I finely do I will be back again on a normal basis. Wow...Lots has accrued in the past month or so. I moved out, became single, experienced so much in such a little time, it's hard to know where to start.
Hmmm, lets see, work has been going pretty good. Lets hope I'm not jinxing it there.. And it seems moving out was a great Idea for me because it has really meant so much for me to be able to describe myself as a person because I don't have mommy and daddy standing over my shoulders now. Not that I don't miss them, Because I do and I know they miss me. My mom has taken the move very well, but my dad...It's been rough. I can see why, I am the baby and the last one to leave and I did it at a relatively young age (comparing to my sisters at least). I need to get on my money status now though...I say this as I type on my new computer.... haha.
As for love? That's going to have to wait. Not enough time, not enough people. Collette has very little patience.
And roommate living you ask? I love her, she's been great, it's not hard to live with her and im surprised even though I should of known considering we have been friends for 20 years now.
Speaking of years...I will be 21 next week...Not to sure how I feel about that. It's neither here...nor there I propose, however I am told I will love it.

Post #504

There are few and less reasons as to why I have been forgetful in posting lately. One of them being as usual, work. Second, I've been trying to get things in order to move out. In wich I have and am now spending my second night in my new apartment. It's fun, completely scary and a little boring. Even though all that sounds fun and dandy I also am re-learning my singlehood. Boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago and regardless how I feel about it, I'm still adapting to not having him there. There as in my mind, there as in my car, in my new apartment, on my phone, at dinner, in the mall, in my arms...It's really hard to quite cold turkey something you have had for 7 months. It's also hard realizing as I am this very second that I left home, the place where I've lived for 21 years. I'm gunna miss hearing the kids every morning, my mom every night, my dad in the afternoon...It was stability and now everything I have is in limbo, on me. I don't like this choking feeling. When I started this weblog I told myself I wanted to be honest and I need to remember to try to achieve that. I miss my home, I miss my family, I miss my boyfriend and I miss being sure of things. I fought way to much with the boy...Why was that? It's not the unhappy times I remember and trying to think of them, I can't. I'm sure I might if I was given time or examples...But right now, all I can remember is waking up next to him brushing my face with his hand, or our first awkward date or how he makes that face when he thinks I'm not looking...I need to get over it. We arrant in love.

Second of all, Hello it's fucking cold in this bitch!

Single white fat female

It's like a band aid...You have to take it off quickly but it sure as hell doesn't make it not sting after. Being single is like being fat, when your skinny, it's easy to be happy about who you are and how you do, but when your fat, you can tell the whole world to fuck off with all the confidence in the world.

The countdown Begins

http://www.clocklink.com/clocks/9001E-Gray.swf?TimeZone=PST&Target=2006,3,29,12,01,00&Title=Countdown to 21!" width="288" height="18" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">

This is what happens when I get time off!

I have a new addiction! Photographica! Getting comments is as close to ecstasy as I have been in a while! It's the photographers rush and I LOVE IT! Second addiction...Unsolved mysteries! LOVE EM! I cry, I laugh, I'm freaked out, it's better then any soap opera!

Strong

1. I need to move out! Things are just not organized like I need them to be. I have to much stuff!
2. I need to get all things relating to my car fixed!
3. I need a new or second job, preferably a new one!
4. I need to reorganize my priority's regarding friends, school and life.
5. SAVE MONEY!

Valentines HEeeeeellllllppppp....

I hate valentines day. Always have, always will. It's a holiday condoning our way of life here in America where we ignore each other until the one holiday where everything comes out in a strange barf of hallmark pink! As a women, as a human, I want your passion 365 days a year! I want you to look daringly into my eyes and tell me I'm amazing, and I want to be able to grab you from behind and bring you into a long passionate kiss. However, these kinds of things have been pulled all into one holiday where we wait until then to show it and often because our schedules don't allow for it. I realized something about myself today, and not only about myself yet all of women ( And man for that matter) kind. We often say how upsetting it is that we don't get what we really want on valentines day and that to me, sort of speaks to how we are a society. We don't communicate as well as we should. SPEAK UP! Take time today and ask your partner what's romantic to them and try to fill their dreams. Your relationship will be better off! Try it and If I'm wrong...Then your not in the right kind of relationship!

My Monk Man

Today...Is a good day. Today is a good day for many reasons! Starting with me becoming really sick again. Now...That in itself wasn't good, but what happened after was! I called out to work, and got a doctors appointment. Once at the doctors I got the usual routine, weigh, walk, wait sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit....Talk, sit sit sit sit sit, done! But the sitting was spent more or less with me in the cold quiet room all alone talking to myself. " WHAT?? REALLY? NO FRICKEN WAY! WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO!" this of course referring to the 40 lbs that the nurse just told me I had lost since my last visit 4 months ago! I haven't been down to this weight since...A long time. I'm feeling great and now realize that it's not just in my head, that my pants ARE getting to big and that my cloths just aren't fitting the same. I felt crazy for not noticing that!

After that shock wore off....Somewhat, I begin to continue my search for an apartment. Haha, that's right, im MOVIN on out! This of course starting with yesterday me being approved for a car loan and me deciding NOT to buy the car because if I can afford a car...Then I can afford to move out and I need to do that soon enough! So after I got over being totally upset about not getting the car, I got really hyped about getting an apartment. Thus me all day sitting at home in my pjs finding apartments online.

Next big thing is that I got my wish and was put on a new drug. Forgetting names and remembering that it's just not that important, I was put on a drug to help with my Ho-Hormones as I would like to call them. This being birth control and it being the one where I get to have only four periods a year! SCORE one for the ladies okay?

Last but mostly not least...Robert.
As of the 16th, Robert and I have been going out for 6 months. This being no small feat in the long run, however, I think of it as a time in which we can talk that stoic look back and realize where we have come from, where we are and where we are going.

I have a feeling he hates these stories, but I tell them all the time, and because he's the sweetheart he is, he usually lets me....

When I first met Robert he was brand new to the Target culture and it was still awkward for me, a seasoned hit women to talk to the like of his rookieness. However, this didn't stop my curiosity, and to this very day, I remember thinking...How quiet, interested and curious his face was to people, he always had a look of question, a raised eye brow if you will, and that intrigued me. When we first started dating I couldn't place my finger on it, yet now, I have come to see, it's the curiosity that has kept us both together. We are creatures of habit and animals of taste. I want to try everything out, see it, taste it, feel it, know it, and from my view, that's who he is also and I find that even more intriguing. Call it self exploration, call it chaos, I call it the monkish phenomenon in which, you just can't resist to reach out.......And touch. ;)

The Watcher

I don't even know what to do with myself. I woke up early with full intentions of going out to Marin for a court appearance but then because of case load mine was pushed back for another month. This all being good because my insurance agent messed up and told me he would print some paper work for me and then failed to be there when I came in. After that I called a friend and we went S-H-O-P--I-N-G! Don't worry, I didn't spend a penny and got this awesomely cute little jacket! After that I went and had a good chat with one of my friends from Target. Damn, I fucking miss that place! I miss knowing the policies, knowing the people, knowing my guests! However, the company, and the pay, SUCKED. I'll move on I guess.

Funny thing about moving on is that there is no real way to leave un-teathered to something. I have all these strings tied to my past and yet, some way, I continue into my future, always thinking the strings are going to break, or become to short, but these stay with me always at my side, reminding me why I am where I am. I'm learning such a hard lesson right now. I'm so interested in life, so interested in the world and how and why it works as it does, and within this I find myself " Shell shocked" by it's marvels. I want to explore everything, experience it's highs and lows, lefts and rights, confusion and understanding.

On a lighter note, Read " The Giver" Written by: Lois Lowry

Ice cold please!

Why can I not sleeeepppp? What Is wrrongggg with meeee? This is the night of forever! It's not even going by productivly! Randome though...I wish I had a bottle of water!

Pookie tot?

Are you as scared as I am? I can't stop feeling everything all at once.

Genuine Feelings Make me the Happiest!

Im going to spell it out. Maybe it's for my sake, and maybe it's for yours.
I have lived in a world that has defined and clarified it's meaning into two sections for me. Happiness and Unhappiness. At that early age things became so hard for me to cope with at such small levels I begin to work on whittling away to the meaning and cause of all that was accruing. Either you where happy or unhappy. Life and all it's cute little meanings was all working to sum up to making everything work for your own profit. It's funny sometimes how we mask what we truly want with the needs of others and create this grand idea that we are doing what we are doing for the aid of others when in fact, we do it for ourselves because helping people makes us FEEL good and ultimately if it didn't we wouldn't.

I struggle sometimes finding small things bring me down and find it harder to step up then it might of been to step down. I pay attention to small things and then ill think about how stupid paying attention to all the details is and try to look at the big picture. Between this constant of push and pull in my thoughts, I fall deeper into feeling sad. I often wonder if it's more physical then mental or more mental then physical then I realize...RELAX....Don't worry, be happy. Suddenly I step back from it all and go...Fuji it. Clouds swim away and the ache, sketchy feelings seem to disappear and I wonder...hmm, how long will it be until I'm back downstairs? ....Sometimes I care about becoming sad again...Sometimes I don't. With where I'm at now, I'll I really believe I need is Hugs, Kisses and some genuine attention.

Oh really?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?