Genuine Feelings Make me the Happiest!

Im going to spell it out. Maybe it's for my sake, and maybe it's for yours.
I have lived in a world that has defined and clarified it's meaning into two sections for me. Happiness and Unhappiness. At that early age things became so hard for me to cope with at such small levels I begin to work on whittling away to the meaning and cause of all that was accruing. Either you where happy or unhappy. Life and all it's cute little meanings was all working to sum up to making everything work for your own profit. It's funny sometimes how we mask what we truly want with the needs of others and create this grand idea that we are doing what we are doing for the aid of others when in fact, we do it for ourselves because helping people makes us FEEL good and ultimately if it didn't we wouldn't.

I struggle sometimes finding small things bring me down and find it harder to step up then it might of been to step down. I pay attention to small things and then ill think about how stupid paying attention to all the details is and try to look at the big picture. Between this constant of push and pull in my thoughts, I fall deeper into feeling sad. I often wonder if it's more physical then mental or more mental then physical then I realize...RELAX....Don't worry, be happy. Suddenly I step back from it all and go...Fuji it. Clouds swim away and the ache, sketchy feelings seem to disappear and I wonder...hmm, how long will it be until I'm back downstairs? ....Sometimes I care about becoming sad again...Sometimes I don't. With where I'm at now, I'll I really believe I need is Hugs, Kisses and some genuine attention.