the mundane

I have a huge problem with the mundane. That's probably why I find myself day dreaming most of the time. I'll try to sit through work without thinking about the 100 different ways to rob them blind, but why? Than I would just be bored. This all lends to a bigger problem. All of this day dreaming makes me draw some very crooked lines regarding what is happening and what should happen. People like me end up writing sappy sick soap operas only because I could see how odd things make life interesting at least, in my store they do.

True to me

It's hard when you know something your not supposed to know. Knowing would mean what I know all the time, but would it mean the demise of what has been built? I like having my secretes, does that mean that I like having theirs too?

Really?

Blinded?

Collette: Now 20x better!

It's come and it's passed and what I got out of it? Another year to add to my life. When I was younger I used to have a horrible time sleeping. To aid this I would make these wildly vivid " Day Dreams" if you will about my life than, and how I expected it to be soon after certain ages. 20 was one of those ages I just imagined myself being " happy" and with somebody at a good to okay job, and being in college almost nearing the end. Now...We all know life isn't perfect and things never turn out how we wanted them to, but for the most part...I'm not thaaat disappointed with where I am. Granted, I'm far from " perfectly happy" I'm settling into the idea that I'm not ahead of the goals I have...But not far behind. However, I was reading something that caught my eye yesterday. It was something about a " Life remodel" and how people could go about doing " Amazing" things with there lives with the mere; faith, trust, will, energy, for change. Do I posses these things? Sure...If I really put my mind to it, I could change what I don't like about myself...But could I really change? And than all that begs to ask another question...Am I in fact broken? Or just unconfident with who I already am? With out going into the awful details, I realized today that it's not that I don't posses the ability to flirt and actually have the " want" to be with somebody, but it's the idea that I will actually have to take time to be open, truthfully, and be those things not only to that person...But to myself also. Somehow, I've gotten myself into this post deeper than I first wanted to. I'm tired and I think I'm gunna head off to bed!

Is that ok?

Is it okay to just yell the fact that I will be 20 years old tomorrow and im busting with excitement? Not because of the age, or even the idea of being 21...But because birthday means cupcakes, and cupcakes make me happy inside. Hey, what's a fat girl to do? Ask for presents? Dumbass!

The damned

I miss making beautiful things like this

I need to go get my creative juices flowing, they seem to have been...Damned up lately.

I keep thinking...

It's funny, Life it so simple, so easy, it's right there in front of us, be what you want to be, be happy, do what makes you happy; However, we don't listen. We don't pay attention that it's the day to day drone that makes things worth while. We go through life thinking of everything except the obvious. Look at it this way, art? Theater? Jobs, money, birth death, it's all in part of what makes us happy. Why live a life that does anything other than that? There's a level of numbness that develops when we forget. It's the idea that life has to be something or give us something, when in fact, it would seem that it's up to us to get what we can out of the experiences we get. When you think about all the people whom have passed before us, what is it that is their last thoughts? What do we know of death until we have lived it? I would imagine that it's the last regrets of what I didn't do rather than what I did...

That's the season

Im so full and Soo tired and Soo bored. Happy Easter!

Under where?

Yes, I'm that bored...bored enough to be watching " Underwear: A brief History" actually...It's quite interesting!

Resorting

I've resorted to eating everything in site. I don't know what to do without work. I just sit around in my pajamas all day watching really really lame Sci-Fi movies. I would be dead if it went for my laptop. I just keep tweaking it's settings and changing things. I don't think people understand how long I have wanted this. When I was young, it was a camera. Next it was a laptop, but a car won out over that than the laptop came back. It's not the most perfect one that I wanted but it's nice. Huge screen, no tiny font, wide keyboard, windows XP, DVD/dr-rw all the fancy stuff. The downfall? It's so heavy! I might not be able to heft it around school. I want to bring it to class so I can try out the network on campus but than again, lugging this around isn't that exciting.

It could be you...

I'm bored, I wish somebody was online to chat. Why does it feel so lonely on a place as vast as the internet?

I like it a lot!

Im sitting on my ass and this is what I plan on doing for the rest of my day! Except maybe for when I plan on going to shower...in which will be just me sitting in the tub watching DVD's on my laptop! I'm very happy with my purchase. It may cost me an arm and a leg in the long run, it's a good idea! I can go to school and work on actual work. I've never been a pen and paper kinda gall. O'dear lord, I'm a computer geek. Lol, that's the last thing I need. I'm already the go to gal at work for...Everything computer. My co-workers are the hunt and peck kinda people and they all are amazed how the computer can have a " Firewall" it's apparently " THE MOST AMAZING THING" they have ever seen. I like most am not a full out geek...But I do understand something about computers, like how your not supposed to pound the mouse buttons 300 times to make the " Thingy pop up!" If you wanted to get tricky, I MIGHT understand html which I thought myself out of boredom one weekend. Other than that, im just a normal girl looking for the right color to make her windows look " Cute/manageable" FYI, it's pink and purple for now! I like in my very own sad sad world.

I like it a lot!

Im sitting on my ass and this is what I plan on doing for the rest of my day! Except maybe for when I plan on going to shower...in which will be just me sitting in the tub watching DVD's on my laptop! I'm very happy with my purchase. It may cost me an arm and a leg in the long run, it's a good idea! I can go to school and work on actual work. I've never been a pen and paper kinda gall. O'dear lord, I'm a computer geek. Lol, that's the last thing I need. I'm already the go to gal at work for...Everything computer. My co-workers are the hunt and peck kinda people and they all are amazed how the computer can have a " Firewall" it's apparently " THE MOST AMAZING THING" they have ever seen. I like most am not a full out geek...But I do understand something about computers, like how your not supposed to pound the mouse buttons 300 times to make the " Thingy pop up!" If you wanted to get tricky, I MIGHT understand html which I thought myself out of boredom one weekend. Other than that, im just a normal girl looking for the right color to make her windows look " Cute/manageable" FYI, it's pink and purple for now! I like in my very own sad sad world.

it's new

It's 11pm and I'm still up typing away on my new laptop! Hee Hee, it's so pretty!

A+lone

Can i just say...6 more days untail im 20 years old!! Do you know how odd that sounds to me? Do you understand that I still feel like i'm 16?...wow...20? These things we attach to age! i want to take more pictures. I haven't done that as much as I have wanted to in the past few months. I want beach pictures and people pictures and the pictures where i was just happy to take, not only because I thought people would be happy seeing them..but because i was happy to be there taking them. Sadness is a lonely place. 20 is apparently even more so. I donno, I'm kinda oddly happy being alone. Some people can't understand that. It's a true art, and I really belive, that in order to be with somebody for real, ever, you need to be able to be alone first. It seems whomever you talk to though, i've been single " Too long" whatever that means. Maybe that's just my kinda way of agreeing with them...

Poetry of such can always make it on my blog

A tiny grain of sand will bruise
Your feet and make them bleed.
If you do not shake out your shoes
You'll find you can't proceed.

I tried dear friend to read your verse
But had to stop halfway,
For clumsy words and lines hurt more
Than shoe-sand any day.


Sumedh Prasad

No...Really!

After a long drone day at work I all set to drone out on the computer for a little bit than off to sleep at a somewhat proper time...Yeah, I believed it too. I wasn't lieing about work though. It was in the better words I used this week " Fucks". Used in a sentence that is " This fucks!" Meaning " Fucking Sucks". Can I share a secrete with you? Here's my little minded retail bit:
1. If you yell...Your not only going to get jack shit from me...But im going to kick your ass out of my store. Not only can you not yell at me...But you can't yell at my team, K thanks!
2. Do you think I control much? I have to say, I used to think Making comments or something like them to the management might have some ability to change things in a store...But no, I can not make the stock be there out of thin air and I can't make workers appear where they do not easiest. So coming to me yelling at me about how a store in organ is waaaay better than my store, isn't going to help you! Sorry
3. If I have my coat on, purse with me, drink in my hand...Do you think I'm on the clock? Or even working here?

Why is posting pictures of myself so fun?

I'm so vane, I really think this post is about me...

The counter is stuck at 659

I wanted to drop in and say something...Maybe just for saying something's sake. I hate rambling ( Hmmm) So I'll try to keep this some what important. Yeah....Right!
Can I just say that NetFlix is great? I don't know why I didn't listen to kareem sooner! Pick your movies, they are dropped off at your house watch them, return them and than bam! MORE MOVIES! It's not like a normal movie place because there your not really apt for returning them on time. Here it's like, I WANT to make all the effort to walk to my mailbox and return the movies because I know there will be more movies that I actually want to see coming next instead of wondering around aimlessly in Blockbuster looking for some sign of something worth the $3.50 or whatever it is to rent it. This week? Spider Man 2! Pi: Faith In Chaos! Im excited, because I cleaned my room all up and now it's my little get away where I don't have to do anything do get around and be stressed out about.
Work today slightly got the better of me. I got there all excited because I was in so early and was getting off at 4 and what was even better was that I was working on the front lanes and not in icky food avenue. So when I got up this morning I did my hair, got all dressed up, actually took time to do my makeup and just got " Nice", but when I got there, my Team was nowhere to be found...Okay...Didn't want to jump to conclusions...Call them, ones sick and the other had a huge schedule mix up. Nice. So I go from jazzy and psyced...To dirty and down in 2 minutes flat. By the time I got help in there, I was sitting back in my over air conditioned office trying to write my review and do the stack of paperwork I have left from Food Ave. So I'm a little down from that. Other than that...I think I'm doing better.
I have a doctors appointment ( Gotta love America) In a month. What hedge was saying really hit home. Not because I was unaware that I was depressed lately...But it took me back for a moment when I first read it. I thought "no" just lately...But than Looking through everything for months and months, I realize, it's been too long. It's hard for me to say because I feel so foolish...If that's the word I want to use, but when I was younger I was hit by depression for a good 4 years. I always just assumed that it was because it was high school " Who's ever happy in high school?" But not to the extent that I was. I don't think there's something huge wrong and I know it has a lot to do with my attitude and how I choose to deal with things, but I also know that I can only go so far and my body and brain have to meet me half way. This all brought up some things that I really need to consider though...If there is something wrong...What? And if there is, how will I choose to work through it? I'm not the biggest fan of drugs of any kind. I don't even take aspirin, not for fear, but rather that I've always just believed the pain wasn't " Bad" enough to have to resort to pills. Oh while, It's something that only time and a doctor can tell. For now...I'll just sit around...Waiting...

Collette's Post of " Their Hot, and you should know"

No he's not really being arrested!

I will leave you with this...
Collette Wearing Pink!



And Kareem being Arrested!

5am

Hedge is right. I need to go hang out like a crack horror needs a hit. The last time I was able to go out with Rosa has been months and the last time we actually had something to do or people to see has been even longer. She has plans most of the time but that's not what really bothers me. It mostly bothers me that I only have her, And she has everybody else. I'm alone rather than with many but it makes me feel sad and lame to know that I'm here on my computer and she's out with other people. It's only that I wish I could make myself happy just by going out and making friends, talking to people rather than hating people for being stupid. It feels like whenever I'm talking to somebody at work all I can think about is how incredibly stupid they are and how I'll never have somebody to actually have a true conversation with. That's all lame now that it's said and done....Oh while. I have work at 5am and will be at work all day. I'm being sent out to go to a class entitled " Market analyses" Soze I can use my smarts for growth and not evil!

Bad

I've felt real bad for some time now. The feeling has gone from bad to worse than from worse to unbearable. I have absolutely no idea what to do and that's the most honest truth. I guess that's what left me here...

Living in California

It was so bright and sunny yesterday. Today...We have gloom. It's kinda nice not to be swimming through puddles of heat but the sunshine just felt kind ok yesterday. Living in the " Sunshine State" always has it's advantages. Everybody wants to live where I do. 30 min from the beach, 45 from San Francisco, Small but growing town, good business, smallish crime rate, diversity, and the house next door can always sell for a couple million.

Away

Im so tired, I should be in bed! I got up this morning on the wrong side of my life and the day just went like that for the entire time. I'm driving to work and it starts...I just randomly started bawling. I couldn't stop for the life of me and all I could think of was how shitty I have felt for soo long and how I'm nearing not being able to keep it under control anymore. I wake up crying most times and am going to sleep in the same state. I sit at work and think about bad bad things and than come home only to eat eat eat. When I was a lot younger I used to think something was very wrong with me. Like I was broken and needed to be fixed. I started thinking that this was all from a very bad time from my childhood, but even though I would like to blame this on Those events and that person...I'm starting to wonder if it's not something more. No matter how I start that conversation I always end it or it gets ended before I even start

Sick

I let the fear take the wheel and drive. It takes me on wild adventures sometimes. I get to see the world from the passenger seat and I waste no time correcting the mistakes. It's not true; I've spent my life playing everything safe. My confidence has died. Why? I keep second guessing everything I do. It's hard to keep up with my own mind.
I realize as I sit here...That in all these words, I have lost what I really sound like. This isn't me.

Fat and Alone....fun

You know your fat and lonely when you say things like " Yeah, I had a dream about this guy, he was cooking me dinner." And your friend asks who and you don't even remember but you follow up with " Screw the guy, I don't even remember him, the food was what was great!"