Story of!

What do you do when you have been working for something for so long, and once you obtain it, you realize your worst fears are confirmed? It was the chase that you where after! It wasn't that nice plump zebra leg that you wanted, it was indeed the thrill of leaping, weaving, and gliding over the land that brought you your joy.

So many things that once had only been dreams of mine, are now in my grasp, truly ripe for the taking, but now...they seem almost spoiled and foul.

This is the problem of the constant loaner/chasing lioness. Rock/hard place.

Good news? Well, there isn't any.

187

There is something that not a lot of people tell you about weight loss. Here it is: There is no finish line. There are no cheering crowds of happy crying people, there is no makeover, there are no dramatic changes...one day your fat, and the next your not. It's not as fulfilling as your fat self has made it sound like it was. Instead, your alone, and wondering where your parade is.

When I was younger, I chose 185 lbs as my goal weight. It seemed so far away and impossible. I often tried to dream about what it would be like, failing to grasp reality, I thought it would be a little different then this. I'm happy still, and though there has been no " biggest looser" confetti in the air kind of moment, I am still going to keep going on the path I started.

Today, I weigh 187 lbs. A number that seems so small in comparison to the 315 lbs I used to carry. I often enjoy just rolling the numbers around in my head, sometimes whispering them to myself, hearing what impossibility sounds like.

-124 lbs

I weigh 191 lbs. I once weighed 315 lbs. Today...I'm proud of me. A very simple happiness.

-100

I finally put this together! I couldn't quite see the differences I have made in the past year and I know I still had this shirt, and it was time to see what I have achieved! Now I can't stop crying and I finally realize that I HAVE done SOO MUCH!

208

I weigh 208 lbs. Holy shit! When did that happen? How cool is that! 9 lbs away from being under 200! I can't wait to have a 1 in my weight again! Lol, again since...I was 9 lol

Lucky life

My new life... is beautiful! Bigfoot has spent the past two weeks trying to teach my how to snap my fingers. It's something I have always wanted to know how to do. The week before it was the farris wheel. Before that, it was shopping in a regular store, and before that, was to wear a dress. My life, is beautiful. I'm so happy I have the best friend in the entire world. He supports me every day, and compliments me endlessly. He made me the most amazing salad the other day and that's when I realized, I couldn't of done any of this without him. I'm so lucky!

27 lbs away

After many discussions with my friends, I have finally settled on a official goal weight: 185 lbs

Months ago, looking back at the numbers I used to carry, 185 seemed so far away. 3 months ago I was 30 lbs heavier and 57 lbs away from my goal and it didn't feel like I was EVER going to get closer to my dreams. This month, I can see the finish line! I'm soo close! When you have lost 100, 27 seems so silly and tiny! I have averaged -10 lbs a month for the past 6 months, so I'm guessing I will be to my goal weight by Halloween! OH MY GOD! TWO MONTHS! TWO MONTHS! Do you realize...that even if this takes 3 months...I will be...skinny? SKINNY!?

...What am I going to be for Halloween?

214

Weight loss update:
Last month I lost 11 lbs.
This month I would like to loose 30, but I'm going to keep it real with another 10. THIS MEANS...That in 5 months I will of lost 50 lbs if I keep up my medium to low level workouts and keeping eating...pretty good. So...well...what if I try harder? What if I work out every day? What if I go back to watching what I eat 100%?

Let's keep this simple! If I loose 10 lbs every month for the next 5 months that's 50 lbs and it would put me at a weight of 164 which for my 5'11 frame will be SKINNY! That leads me right up to new years eve! Are you ready? I'm positive I can do it!

I went from obese to overweight this week and it was AMAZING! I have all these mini hurdles I keep leaping over and I love making each one on the way to my GIANT hurdle which is... I weighed around 300 lbs! I've lost 28% of my body weight! I am 100 lbs lighter! I used to wear 3xl shirts and size 22 jeans! Today, I wear a size XL or L shirt, and I'm making my move into size 14 jeans! HOLY SHIT! Can you believe it? I can't. if it where not for my best friend Bigfoot who lets me talk about my weight all day every day, and remembers to tell me how good I'm looking! He is the main source of my strength! He keeps me balanced by being honest and telling me straight up. I have to remember to tell him that he is the one who has helped me make one of my life dreams come true. Remind me to do that!

I suck today

I'm coming to terms with things in my life.
1. I can not cook
2. My hair, will never be flowy and shiny
3. I will never have giant perky breasts
4. I can't make a sweat shirt and sweat pants look sexy
5. I will snort, and belly laugh and it will NOT be sexy
6. I'm a crocheting, overweight, fuzzy haired 24 year old single women.

I'm going to go over to my best friends house tonight, and I'm going to pout and putter around until I feel better. At least there, I know he will tell me my hair looks like crap, my food tastes awful and I look like a two bit whore. That's because that's what friends do! They tell you the truth and tell you that they love you anyway!

219-199

It's one of those self pity days. It's the perfect day to clean my room, get organized, feel sick, and watch netflix all night...alone. My stomach aches are coming back more and more often. I thought since my weight loss things where clearing up with my medical issues, but it seems they have only gotten worse. Maybe my doctors diagnosis was incorrect. Another reason to be excited about getting skinny is because when I go to the doctors they will no longer say " Well, because your obese..."

However...I'm stuck at 219 lbs. I go up .5 or .9 lbs a day and then back down the same amount the next. 219 is now a bad word to me. When days ago I was almost in tears to see the newest low numbers, I am now becoming disappointed. When will 219 become 215 or 210 even better, when will 219 become 200? When will I be 199?? Oh 199! I love you! I can't wait to be with you!

219

Weight update!
As of my last weigh in, I am now 219 lbs. I am 5.5 lbs away from being overweight as opposed to obese. I am now 34 lbs away from my all time goal and I am two and a half months before I reach my deadline. If I make my deadline, then within one years time, I will of lost more then 100 lbs.

I keep getting these moments where a smile crosses my face and instantly tears seem to fill my eyes and all I can think of is...I'm going to be one of those stories that people talk about " Remember Collette? That really big girl from grade school? SHE lost 100lbs!" Everybody has always saw me as that fat girl. It's my opinion that when your fat people stop thinking of you as an actual person. They stop thinking of you as a women, they stop thinking of you as an option and you become the comfort person for a lot of people. This is why some people will always be fat in personality and why some people will never be able to see me as anything other then that fat comfortable friend. Others, they will suddenly be shocked by..." Where did you come from?" feeling. I will one day fall into their plane of vision and they will shock themselves for not seeing it before. This is my gift to myself. I am giving myself the opportunity to live my life. I am no longer giving myself excuses. I am no longer telling myself it's impossible. I am going to be skinny and I am going to be the best skinny me I deserve.

Skinny

I am 40 lbs away from being considered " Healthy" I honestly...never thought that this was going to be possible. I can't even fathom being heavier then I am now, and I can't believe I waited sooo long to get here! I'm dying to run into those people who always said it wasn't going to happen. 300-222 in less then one year. I'm impressed! Is that wrong? This is the ONE thing in my life, I have 100% control of and I might actually be able to make this ONE dream come true!
I was thinking about it today, and I started to analyze why I have finally been able to loose the weight. I laugh at the idea that I set my deadline for what would of been my two year anniversary with Ray. I'm not still in love with him. This is for me. This is soooo for me. This is so I can finally start my life. Finally I can wear clothes from the mall!!!! Finally I can flirt with guys without thinking they are grossed out by my weight. I might actually...be skinny. I COLLETTE WILL BE SKINNY! Skinny. Wow. SKINNY! For the first time in my entire life...I will be skinny. knock on wood!!

Just a thought...

As a young child, I was certain of my death. I'm not sure it was more then my morbid curiosity growing ,however I never really stopped thinking that my death was right around the corner.

Now as an adult, I sometimes forget this strange odd personality quirk and think positively. It is however every time I get ready to leave on a family trip I feel like " I'm not coming back". You may laugh at this, or even start to ask yourself about my sanity yet I have solid scientific proof to back up my thinking. See, nothing has ever really happened to me. Everybody that was alive when I was born, is still alive today ( as it relates to my family ect) There has also been a lack of tragic events in my life to which almost create an interesting story of an uneventful childhood. So I am always thinking how it's when I expect nothing, something will happen. Thus I find it helpful to expect that something tragic will undoubtedly happen sooner or later and because I have yet to pay cosmically and in karma, what will happen to me...will be big. Or...I might die in my sleep, peacefully, without any police standoffs, bear attacks, or freak California tornado's.

Don't miss me if and when I go though. This is simple also! I have had a great life! I have loved many and many have loved me. I have had the sampler plate of life if you will and I liked it! I haven't lived to regret anything or anyone. I am certain, as many I'm sure, that I have shared this planet with some of the most interesting people and if and when I leave, I will leave full. I just hope, in some metaphorical way, I have left a tip for all those people who have helped me. I'm a big tipper! I would like to be known that way!

Almost done with school!

As it is only fitting to mark this day with some sort of recognition, I find that finishing one of the more difficult college courses I've ever taken...needs no celebration. I instead will spend tonight, alone, eating chicken, drinking orange juice and talking to people on the internet. Why you ask? Because this is my life. Sad, but true. Well...very sad, and even more sadder, very true :(

Side note, I have the best cousin EVER. In the entire world. He's away fighting a war and all, but I fricken love him. And I can't wait for him to come back so we can be twins together. I'm getting extra drunk for him, one for me, one for my bitch in Afghanistan!

I have been pretty down. Depressed even.

But I realized that drinking is the answer! That's what I'm doing! It's working! I'm pretty happy! And I'm buying a new flat screen tv! AND a new mac mini, which is pretty f'in exciting if you ask me! And, grays anatomy is on bitches!

This fat cow isn't going to try again!

Here's my question, am I so stupid, soo boring, and unbelievably ugly that I don't deserve to even be spoken to? This guy! Lol, asks ME out, HE makes plans, HE asks me on a 3rd date...and then he doesn't call, in fact, he never calls, not even to say sorry. He doesn't call to say sorry, he doesn't call to say I'm not interested, he doesn't email, or text even!? WTF lol. So this would be okay, if it wasn't the second time that a guy has done this. The whole..." I'm to scared to tell you the truth" act is REALLY old! If I wasn't interested, or maybe something came up with an ex, I would AT LEAST tell the other person, no matter how many dates we had or hadn't been on. It's just the nice thing to do! What happened to manners people? Or is it that I am...freaky? Is that what it is? Am I soo ugly, soo repulsive? Sooooooo annoying and boring that people can't stand me?

I usually don't feel too down on myself, but now, I'm feeling like the fattest, ugliest, nastiest, disgusting, lowest person on earth.

It's not even about him not liking me, it's about...being treated like the subhuman scum that you have to cringe as you pass on the street.

I was happy before he came up and ripped up my routine. I was doing JUST fine! I in fact, DIDN'T even want to go on the first date! But I thought to myself...he's a normal, nice guy, why not? At least I'll be making a new friend. I laugh at my abilities to judge people correctly at this point.

Lastly, I ask this...when do I stop waiting on an answer from him? I caution you at this point! Don't mistake me wanting to hear from him with me being clingy, wanting, to be with him, it is more in fact, a plea for normal, considerate treatment from a person whom I thought was actually pretty cool. So now, every time my messenger chimes, or I get a new email, I hold my breath, thinking "maybe he finally got the courage to own up!" And only a super microscopic, tiny, itty bitty piece of me is hoping he has a completely reasonable answer; Which the probability of is shrinking every day.

I will say this...
I forgot what it was like to have somebody to talk to. I forgot what it was like having a friend. I have friends...but they have their own lives. I'm pretty much the only person left who isn't married, has a kid, or has a significant other. I don't even know where my cell phone is anymore. I do laundry once every month because...well, I don't go anywhere, or see anybody. If I didn't live with my parents, I wouldn't see people at all.

I'm alone again. Kinda sucks.

Ughh

I hate dating. I really really dislike having to depend on another person. I'm not a selfish person, and when other people are...it kills me! Well, actually it makes me angry. I had a dream last night that I had been on vacation, and I drove my car to the airport, took off, and then flew into another airport where my car was flown to meet me...and then I realized...my car wont make the drive all the way back to my home! And I didn't have money to fly me and my car back. And that's kinda what dating is like. If I never have to date again, it will be too soon!

WTF did that come from?

Have you ever been standing around then had something drop to your feet, out of nowhere, and you spend a few minutes just looking around asking out laud, "WHERE the FUCK did that come from?"

That's me right now...Except I'm not so confused as much as I am...sadly...giddy.

Now...if only I had enough confidence left in me to make it actually out the door to see this through. Why suddenly am I paralyzed by fear? I'm a pretty confident girl! I think I'm pretty...I'm just worried other people wont thing so. I'm kinda not wanting to mess this one up so early, I'm kinda thinkin this one might be fun to play around with for a little bit.

Plus side, he thinks global warming is real. Upside already.

Starting over

I stayed up way to late last night. Doing what you ask? Chatting online, holding netflix envelopes over my face, and it wasn't half bad.