Ouchy momma!

The only exciting thing about today has been the fact that I have been so sick that I can't focus on much else. My tummy feels like somebody has stabbed me, poured gas on the open wound, then threw it in the microwave. Interesting combination, I'm sure, however, it's as accurate as I could get.

Hopefully there will be UNO tonight, I'm...pretty bored and doing homework...just isn't sounding like it will be the funnest thing to do in the world.

HEDGE

Uhh, btw, what the heck happened to Hedge? I MISS YOU! I miss you AND your completely random thoughts and comments from a far! Have you been lurkin again?

To be honest...

I've slept for two days straight, I've saculded myself to the Collette cave, and I've embaressed myself and endagered my life by drinking myself out of boredome. So today...I am going out. I'm going over to a friends house and I'm doing what I realized years ago as " Building my net". I know myself, and I know my past, and as a person who lives in this strange cliche circle of depression/determination, I know that I will need to at least try to get somebody to talk to again. I need a friend who I can spill the dank, dark, and dirty thoughts going on so I can hear those almost orgasmic words of " I TOTALY understand! I've felt like that too!" or the even better " I'll be there for you! I care about you so much". To the outside reader, this may sound silly, or even kinda stupid to be writing. HOWEVER, I know that there are so many people out in this wonderful world that are going though what I am and they might be feeling at the end of their ropes as I have many times before, and if one person happens across my little corner of the internet and sees that there is a way out, a way in, a way at all, to get to that next level they need, then I am happy to embaress myself for their benifit.

This being part of my own self digignosed treatment, I will turn to blogging often in the next few months. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I have years back in written form. I've been writting in blogs and journals since I was around 12 or 13 years old. To be compleatly bluntly honest, I will say that they are the real reason I am still alive. There are people who can say things like " I've survived cancer," or " I'm a survivor of the blahblah war..." I think of every day that I don't let savere depression get the best of me, I have survived. I thought myself crazy for many years, and when I figured it out, and started to get my life back in order, everything became unraveled as it often does. Being told, that the medicine I was going to start taking would cause boughts of depression I almost had a chuckle to myself thinking..." Living my life in a hell trapped inside a body that is full of pain and not functuioning?" or "Living in a mind that is sick and is a constant battle to keep healthy" ? Hmmm, what should I do?? I decided that becoming mentaly healthy and strong aginst...myself is a matter of a daily battle and that the stuggle is best fought fast and stong. I build a list of things I can do to stay healthy, mentaly, and build a strong network of people I can talk to. I know that when things get utterly embaressingly dirty ugly, and I feel like there is no way that I could possibly talk to anybody about it, that I HAVE To, and once I set myself to it, I think nothing more of it, and force myself to do what's needed. I'm so lucky.

Again, today, I am feeling not as well as I should be. Deepressed more then ever, I am going to try to...soldiure through it.

Time

So I did sleep the whole day away. It was actually nice! I know my cycles though. I understand this is part of my disease. The thought of sleeping until 9-10pm, then getting up, taking a bunch of allergy pills to help me sleep (and not in the suicidal way!) makes me almost excited. I'm feeling overly emotional and depressed and I'm trying to reason it out knowing that things aren't what they seem. My stomach is a mess, all the weight I lost I gained back and 5lbs+ and even though it may be tmi, my hair is growing FREAKISHLY fast! I shaved my legs this morning, and by 2pm they have stubble again! I know there is reason to cation when the thoughts of cutting off all non Internet communication and forgetting talking to people I met on the " Outside" world. I had a moment of excitement thinking that it would actually be kinda nice to not have to shower every day, sit in my pjs, and figure my life out and become better AND THEN, start calling people up again so they can see how much I changed. The bigger question is, is this about Ray, or is this medical? Maybe it's both. I searched the Internet forums for answers, and new questions are the only thing I got.

Today

Ever feel so empty and alone you feel like sleeping for the entire day, and when you realize that you just can't psychically do it, it makes you even a little bit more sad?

Exotic Beauty

Do you ever feel like there is no volume to your life? I feel I have been living in a world, being taught methods and morals for which create a box in which I will later add years and months of experiences and ideas. However hard I work and keeping myself busy, there seems to be a nothing that creeps into everything. There have been moments when my head feels like it's spinning and things are almost to crazy for me to control, but when the calm hits after the storm, I'm left with feelings of loneliness and as cliche as it sounds..." emptiness".

The thoughts of picking up and moving is the only solid thing I seem to be able to grasp. Ideas of Japan, Africa, far off, quiet, secluded places where loneliness will no longer matter because of their exotic beauty. Today, it feels as if I would be jetting off from a standing position to a sonic speed to get where I really want to be. Is that even possible? I presume this is all made worse by my new morbid fascination of Mydeathspace.com Seeing how people, so young, so involved in what small things are happening around them, they somehow failed to ever complete a life worth living. I'm not saying these people died fairly, or have in some way lived a life not worth living, but that...at the time of their death, I would find it hard to not wish I had done something...more. I too, often struggle with saying what NEEDS to be said, and doing what is right, but I focus now more on " thinking clear". Living a mentally healthy life where I am happy, and free of regret that ties me down. The choices I make are full of complex deliberation in even the most simplistic of situations. " Do I go to class tonight?" " Is this just a further deterioration of my willingness to go back to school?" " Am I afraid of failure?" and these thoughts continue until I get to a place where I am comfortable with myself. I keep finding that I know so little about myself. Those around me learn by discovery. I hold a jealousy of sorts towards people who find themselves surprised by who they are through an experience. We see it in movies all the time, the moment the character, who has obviously been struggling through something, finally realizes what or who they want to be, and there is violins playing and wind blowing and a moment worthy of an Oscar they become something beautiful. It's as if the Caterpillar was emerging from it's cocoon. I am no Caterpillar. I set each stage like I was preparing for an Olympic opening. Hours of thoughts and preparation, practice, and even the occasional doubt. I however, unlike my blossoming friends, seem to foresee these changes in my life, steering myself in the correct direction mentally and preventing these moments of...for the lack of a better word, ignorance.

I am however safe from a life drearily spent thinking the world is ugly and hideous. I see beautiful glowing light all around me, and even the dank and dark seems beautiful. Where some see an awkward conversation between friends, I see a beautiful dance of happenings and possibilities. I presume I literaly see my life as a movie and the characters, strangers, and in moments I can almost hear the orchestra keying up, bows in the air, conductors, arms preparing to flail, and magic waiting to happen. It's the moment when you realize that, anything can happen at anytime that I believe you can almost become free from thoughts that keep us..." Safe". That happenstance meeting in the elevator can be the moment that changes your entire life. The parking spot you choose could save you from a freak instance. Saying what you really want, and things turning out completely wrong, can lead you to a path in which you realize your real potential and dreams, and without the first disaster, you are nothing. It seems my life is full of these silly thoughts. I am some days honored, and others, suffocated. Living in a balance I suppose is the importance.

Im start-ish

Do you ever surprise yourself by what you know? I was in media class tonight, and we where discussing the theory of the US culture mortgaging our children's social identity through the exportation of culturally un-relevant movies and sexually explicit content...and...I understood it. I did take a few moments to think about it, but realized...I'm in college. I may have a future yet!

I'm ready for a nap!

Okay...Helio...sucks. " send us your broken device, and the replacement we send you will be broken, but then you have to send THAT first device back before we can send you a replacment for the second broken one... " Helio Logic...LOVES IT! It's been a month since I have had a phone...THEY ARE GREAT! BUY LOTS OF THEIR PHONES! NOOOOOTTT!!!

I need to stay on my drugs because...talk about hormones. I was a little loopy this week, but...last night...I'm amazed. Scott and noel really pulled through for me. And it's funny. Because Who would of thought lol.

And then I had this dream...that was WILD. Makes me wonder what the hell is going on in my head! Im dreaming about men I have no chance with and no real intrest lol. But...now that I'm awake, Im thinkin..."Damn, he is pretty cute...."

I spent the whole day getting ready, cleaning the house, making sure everything was going to be great. I told people weeks ago about it so they could make it. I then went and bought snacks, soda, games, and booze, and...nobody even returned my calls... People who said they would come just a few days ago, who where supposed to call today and confirm...are nowhere around. I feel so stupid. Like a little girl who gets all ready for her birthday party and nobody shows up...actualy that's happend to me..when I was 13. Where is the hole I can crawl into? Why do I always try to do everything for people who do absalutly nothing for me when I need it most? Try calling me again people, see if I pick up...

AGHhhHHHhhHHHhhHHh

This post shall be dedicated to what's wrong with people.

When I got up this morning...I got up 3 hours before I had to be to school. I got ready and left 2 hours before class. I was in the SRJC parking lot 1.5 hours before class started and I waited exactly 1 hour and 20 min to find a spot. As I was pulling into the spot...another car wrapped itself around the corner and scooped in just as I was making the turn into the spot. Now...I'm a pretty nice person. I usually figure that people will be who they are regardless if I let myself get all worked up the situation. So I calmed myself down, then I remembered that I do this all the time. I ALWAYS let people off for the shit they do. When I do something wrong am I as easily let off? No. And part of that is because I would NEVER do something like cut somebody off in traffic, or steal a parking spot, or even cut in line! I feel guilty even when somebody is being rude to me at a store because I'm thinking they are just prolly having a bad day and needed somebody to take it out on. Why am I this person? My best friend...he's the kind of guy that you would hear the words " lets take this outside" on a frequent occasion. He's the person that will say something to the person talking in the movie theatre, or to somebody who is rude to him in the store. It bothers me sometimes, thinking he is really mean, other times...I am jealous. I want to be that person. Cursed by my kindness. It's done me nothing amazing yet. I haven't had any stranger leave me his millions in his will because I was that person who was nice to him in his time of need, I haven't had great luck finding a great guy who sees me for " something amazing and rare" Hell, even my own friends tell me I'm a carpet for other people to walk on. But...where do I draw the line? One day I'm getting worked up over a parking spot, next month I get in a fight and land my ass in jail, then I'm one of those people who think they are entitled to everything. I can't stand those people...All I am asking for is...a little piece of the pie here people!!?? Can I get at least a little? Like a small Lottery win, maybe a great boyfriend, a cool job? A stranger telling me Im pretty...damn..I got nothing.

Boyfriend broke up with me, crappy cell phone company that wont even give me a phone, and a bitch who stole my parking spot. I'm going to take a nap.

Eh

Sometimes, I have a dream, that when I wake up, I am lost for a second thinking it was true, and then there is this moment of sadness where I realize that it's not true. I did that last night. I was dreaming that I had married Ray, and we where having a baby, and I was trying to tell everybody but I couldnt get ahold of anyone. When I woke up...I thought, " Oh that's so funny! I can't wait to tell babe!" but then I realized...he's not there anymore. It happend so suddenly and so out of the blue, for me at least,that it's like feeling like I phantom limb I lost. There are better days then others, usualy if I work out hard, it makes it easier to throw myself into other thoughts, but days like today...when I wake up thinking about him...it's hard. One day I was getting kisses and hugs and " I miss you baby!" and the next day...nothing.

My meds are going pretty good though. The only thing that is still hard is how tired they make me feel. It's like I've stayed awake for three days and just ran a mile. Next week will be the real test! Back to school!

Lifes truths

I have the most amazing family in the world. I have two parents that are supporting me through my re-entry to college, and who's love never falls short. I also have an amazing cusin. He has been there for me when no others where. His words spoke to my level like no others. I find clarity now, where I had found tears only minutes before. I am quite pleased with the knowledge of understanding that...this is only one small point of my life, which I am sure, will be nothing short of many more low painful moments only shaded by the amazing high points.

#1

Workout day #1
I wasnt able to work out early in the morning because...I had to wait to get the equipment until late in the afternoon. I did however try hard to make a real effort at doing the exercises. I picked up a medicine ball and a balance ball also. I'm hoping on loosing at least 5lbs a week. Then that would mean around 40lbs for two months, and that would place me around 20lbs away from my goal waight. Sooo....we will see how it all goes.

Working out does make me feel better then I have been. It gives me time to think about how much I dont want to fly off the back of the tredmill and nothing of people who have fucked up as of late.

We will see hot I feel tomorrow hahahaha....oh the Jello feeling is pretty sweet!

Working out

It's hard when things suddenly become diffrent. I'm not a creature of change. I like to know about things, when, how, and why.

Out of the blue? HATE IT.

So...to get my mind over all that has happend...I am going to start throwing myself into working out. It's going to be kind of sad, but hopefully it will make a diffrence. If I loose 5 pounds a week like this week; then I will hopefully be at 30lbs by the end of the month. If I can loose 60lbs by the next two months then...I will be at my goal waight! Yayy me!

My brother in law just asked me to babysit my neice on what was my anniversary week...

This really sucks.

Skinny Inside and Out

I have officaly been on Metformin for a week now. Side effects? Holy cow! I usualy get pretty sick in the morning, like im going to puke warm nasty all over the place. Then once the food and the pills mix, I become so full I can barley walk. Sometimes, I will have a glass of water, part of a bowl of cereal, and I will feel like I'm carraying twins. There's some other side effects, however, I don't think you want to hear about them all....

So plus side?? I'm hardly hungrey anymore. When before I would become soo hungrey it would actualy make me sick, and I would almost feel like I was going to be sick if I didnt shove something in my mouth in seconds. Probobly because of this...my body has started to change like I've never seen it change before. I'm not excatly feeling like I have lost wait, but more like my waight is moving. My hip fat and stomach fat is becoming slimmer and my pants are hardly staying up anymore.

It makes me pretty angry knowing this is what has been wrong with me for the past 10 years and now, that I am 23 years old, they finaly find out what it is. It's a condition called Poly cystic Overies. It's the leading cause of infetitlitiy in women in the United States.

Making a choice

Soo....I've been using another blog...but...I'm done with that.

Life right now isn't excatly clear...but I'm pretty sure it will be.

I can't wait to start school again and throw myslf into it. I want to get started on my life again. I feel like I forgot to be a grown up lately.

I started my new medicaines and as far as side effects go...I've never slept so much in my life! I came home after the fair and a movie yesterday and went to bed at 11:30pm, and slept until almost Noon. Then I went back and took two naps each almost 3 hours. It's a pretty...strange time.

Right now. I'm just going to try to move on. Even if some people don't want to let me do it.