WTF did that come from?

Have you ever been standing around then had something drop to your feet, out of nowhere, and you spend a few minutes just looking around asking out laud, "WHERE the FUCK did that come from?"

That's me right now...Except I'm not so confused as much as I am...sadly...giddy.

Now...if only I had enough confidence left in me to make it actually out the door to see this through. Why suddenly am I paralyzed by fear? I'm a pretty confident girl! I think I'm pretty...I'm just worried other people wont thing so. I'm kinda not wanting to mess this one up so early, I'm kinda thinkin this one might be fun to play around with for a little bit.

Plus side, he thinks global warming is real. Upside already.

Starting over

I stayed up way to late last night. Doing what you ask? Chatting online, holding netflix envelopes over my face, and it wasn't half bad.

233

I started a new workout routine. This one comes from the biggest loser fitness program book, which I feel, has been my best weight loss purchase thus far. I also bought some ankle weights which I'm very excited to use. Even though I've been see-sawing with my weight lately I weighed myself today and found that I've lost 4 lbs. Bringing my weight down to an all new low of 233. I'm finding it hard to be unimpressed by these smaller numbers. I have to remember that though 233 is low for me, it's still high in the larger scheme of things. I still need to loose about 40 lbs to be within my personal range. I would have to loose another 70 lbs. to be at my recommended weight by crazy sons of bitches who have no clue about anything.

Boyoboy

I was so bulldozed by him emailing me yesterday. What kind of friend chooses somebody he met just a month before over a friendship that he has had for 5 years? A bad friend that's who! So I pointed that fact out to him in a very long email and said if he didn't want to make that choice, then I'm not going to be his friend. The fact that he was so ready to jump so far away from me, so willing to run away is still kinda funny to me. Maybe he was afraid of feeling so close to me, but if he could grow up and realize boys and girls can be that close and NOT be in a relationship. Lame. But now he has me waiting for him response, where as before, I was over it, accepted it and moved on. His email was pretty simple enough " Just sayin hi, I miss u!" What I sent was comparable to 2 pages.

In other news, My new haircut is my most favorite! And there's two guys! AND my new unemployment extension may be coming through!

तिरेड ऑफ़ Limbo

I stood up for myself! Yayyy lol. I told him " If you don't respect me, then don't call me!" and I feel 1 million times better for it.

In other news, I bought these 5 pound ankle weights, holy cow! What a work out! I'm excited to get out walking!

ईन्फ़्लुएन्केद

I have the kind of life that requires no direction. It's so exciting to have no requirements of me. If I want to sleep all day I can, if I want to go to the gym at 4am or 4pm I can do that too. Another day, another pound, another month another size. I took the dog for a walk today, wondered around aimlessly, street to street, wondering...is this what my life is going to be about? My mom keeps telling me I need to get out and make friends, hang out, go out blah blah blah. Is it wrong to enjoy being alone as much as I do? I feel like this is the first time I have EVER been without influence. I am so easily influenced it's kinda of ridicules. It's fun finely being...me.

236

236.
I now weigh 236.
I gained 2 pounds a few days ago, and it had me really depressed thinking how I've reached that weight where I'm going to have an impossible time getting it off.

But I am now 236. Which...let me tell you my dear reader, is magical. Pure magic. Something I don't often tell people is that I was once almost 300lbs. Being in my 20's and weighing that much was the most depressing thing to ever happen to me. I wanted to die every day and the relationships I put myself in where so unhealthy. It's funny how you can see these things now that you are much farther away but at the time, I felt like these people where the only thing keeping me together. Funny thing is, I'm realizing slowly that...I don't need anybody! I don't need a man, I don't need my parents, I don't need friends, what I'm saying is not that I don't want these people around, but that I don't need them to hold my hand and point me in a direction anymore. At least a lot less then I used to.

So when I weigh myself, and I see that I am no longer at the top of the obese scale, and the clothes that I used to wear and not zip up, are now way to big for me, I almost break out in tears just getting dressed.

Granted I'm not a skinny mini, I still have fat rolls, and I still feel like hiding under layers, but...today I am celebrating 236 and soon I will celebrate 235 and then 234 and each and every pound will feel like an entirely new world for me. So get used to this! I'll be back every week, happy, proud, and ready to attack each new day and each new pound.

फिक्सड

So I've been looking into the other half of "things" that will complete my makeover. I want a massive laser hair removal which will change my life and make me the happiest girl on earth! You have no idea how horrible it is to have hair growing in places it really shouldn't be. I have PCOS which is a well known cause for women growing man like facial hair. This I have to say has been the single cause for the remaining bit of self confidence problems. I spend at least 1-2 hours every morning well getting ready, " Fixing" my face, clearing it of it's nasty little visitors. Yet alas, laser hair removal is pretty expensive, but I'm feeling it's going to be worth it. I only reveal this completely embarrassing thing because I know so many other women are struggling out there with this and it's to common and medically caused to be as shameful as it is.

And after that! Teeth whitening! THEN a nice new haircut, manicure, pedicure, loss of 55 more pounds and that's it. NO more! I'm already so proud of myself. I'm already loving my new body. To me, I am perfect as I am, but I know to be healthy I should realistically loose a little bit more weight. I keep myself up at night thinking about going to the doctors and wowing them with all my success. I can't wait to take some new tests and compare my test results to my horrible last ones.

Yayy me!

रेस्टलेस

1. Jack McCoy gave me the craziest wettest, sloppy kiss, in my nap today and I liked it!

2. My life could use some action right now. Please provide.

3. Giant corn dog!

4. It's HOT FLASH'S in the big city here! Can I get a WTF for being 24 and going though menopause?

5. Can something of substance hurry up and happen? I'm watching the Princess Diaries, it's sad.

6. HELLO! It makes since to me!

फूडी

I am now 238, and that's just one pound down from week ago. Since I'm not up I'm not going to complain. I am however ready to get back on track and back to working my butt off to get to 185.

I'm putting some serious thought into cutting ties with my friends for a while so I can achieve this. I know I am weak with them around and this may be my only opportunity to do something so big for myself. I really enjoy the idea of not seeing people for a while only to have a " Coming out" party where I can strut my new stuff. I feel like seeing me all the time may not provide the full effect for everyone. I've made a bet with my cousin who is currently stationed in Afghanistan that I will be able to loose more weight then he will be able to. We are both around the same weight give or take 5-6 pounds. So by the time he comes back in September, I hopefully will be another 50 pounds smaller. That would be my all time life goal. that's around 10 pounds each month.

Will I be able to do it? I have no clue. Will I try? Yeah. Am I doing this to spite all those people who have called me fat? Yes. Do I REALLY enjoy watching all those people who I hated in high school gaining weight? Yes. Not because I think they are ugly, but because now, they are forced to realize what horrible nasty mean people they where to me and now, they can hold their breath for a little bit worrying about turnabout being fair play. It's not bitches.

The biggest problem about all this is my family. Fast food is eaten at least once a day in my house. They drink at LEAST one bottle of soda a day and I don't know how my will power will stand up to all these tests. Time I presume will tell.

Maybe I should stop watching food network...