Vacation...Or somethin like it

Vacation is a beautiful thing. I took a nice week off from work soz to clear my head. We all know how badly that was needed. It's really not the jobs fault. It's my own! I need to stress less and be happy more. But isn't that what we all need to do? I'm getting...Nothing done. I wanted to say lots and lots but that's just not true. It feels like no amount of sitting around eating junk in my pjs at 4ish in the evening will prepare me to get back into routine of waking up at 5 am every morning to go to work and than be back at home at 11ish every night. My life is full of needless junk that I only pile on myself. The crappy eating habits, the non work out routines, the stress the family worries, the life I've chosen feels like it's suffocating me quickly and for some reason, I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. Which is lame. In reality..I don't want to do anything about it. I've never been happy enough to want to live this full life I sometimes dream up. It's the full life or no life. Haha, I'm worse than anything! I play doctor to so many people I end up being able to tell myself no lies and just give it straight...But end up doing nothing about it. I sat up yesterday with the worse hangover and all I could ask myself was why? Why am I suddenly doing all these retarded things? Smoking, drinking? That's not me! I don't even like alcohol! I like the watching movies, rockin out with headphones to the hazardous glow of my computer! That's me. Not this, smoking at all times of the day, drinking for wild reasons. I'm 19 years old and my first night of drunkenness was 4 days ago. That's sad...Not in the respect that it should of happened earlier...It shouldn't of happened like that.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a coworker about school and age for some reason or another was brought up. He guessed me to be 22 and I laughed in his face. Another friend just weeks before was telling me that they had always assumed that I was around 30! I'm 19 and I look it in many respects. I act as if I have a life of resentment behind me and in some ways...I do. However, I'm young and I have a lot to learn. Is that what's getting to me? Is that what's bothering me? I'm young, but for my family I have to be 30. I have to be the younger sister who is there for her mother, there for her father, around to be for the children, there for the sisters, and between the arguments, and the ear to reason on. For my friends I have to be 19, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the pal to play with. For the people I work with...I have to be the strong level headed gal who knows what she's doing. God knows that I've learned my lessons in that store. There are those who will try to cut you because your young. I can't let them get that chance. I have to know what I'm doing. I have to be where I'm supposed to be or there will be people waiting there to point and say they told me so. There are a lot of things I'm missing in life. Puzzle pieces that I have to gather as I go. It feels like I was given the puzzle, told what it was, than told I have to finish it before I start it. My life isn't complete. For some that's not okay. For other's it's a given and for me....I don't know yet. I'm still sitting in the corner finding all the pieces and going " Jigsaw? I hate puzzles!"