That feeling

Okay, first blog in Many moons. It's kinda sad the way things have been going. How have they been going? Bad. It's the first and only time I feel like putting this in words but oddly enough, I feel like maybe it will help.
I've been so un-deniable depressed lately. And when I say lately...I mean for the past two-three months and when I say depressed I mean DEEPLY depressed. Why? Everything. It's all one huge mound of distaste for where and who I am. I'm the first to say that I wake up some days and just am happy, but I find myself sad even through that smile and when I do muster up some happiness, something comes and shits on my parade. Cancer, drugs, alcohol, work, school, it's all part of what I don't want to live right now. I keep thinking, oh, it's just today, but than I go back in memories and remember this feeling from long ago. It's hanging over me as a reminder each day as to how I should live. It's building and building and I don't have any where to run from it. My friends aren't their as much as any of us want to say. That's not even their fault. They have their own lives to live. It's me who can't get my shit straight. It's hard to be like this when what I'm really worried is that it's an actual something I should get checked out by a medical professional...But maybe that's what really scares me. I know excatly what they are gunna say.