The yellow brick road

I often wonder if this is all worth it. I sit here in front of a nameless screen and tell it my life and in return I await some ultimate response from it's other faithful followers. It's an odd relationship but that's what I'm all about. In the real world I am just another nameless face in front of millions of others trying to be noticed.
I keep taking that lame deeper look as to why I am not happy and I am slowly realizing...How is anybody ever happy? Things always intervene into my world, crashing colliding, smashing and I am barley able to cope most of the time. So how can I look up, smile and say " Oh happy world, bring me peace?" There are simply times when I can not be expected to be happy. There seems to be a time and a place for my happiness, I just need to find it.
I don't want to go to work today. It's getting harder and harder to be who I want in that store. It constantly feels like people are pulling on me to sway me to be either one person or another. Maybe it's all in my head, but the words of a friend where to not let their world Jade me. I think that's in interesting enough look on that store. It's a battle field full of zombies and people who are happy being miserable. I don't want to end up one of these people who are fighting for the unhappiness of another person. I have been down this path, it's dark and scary, and I fear sometimes, that I'm lost.

So this is what happens when I get overly bored. Changing of templates and random pictures show up all over the place!

This is rosa enjoying one of our many trips to...Looks like bakers square? Maybe denneys? I donno...

My phone sucks! However this is my nephew who broke his leg and is now in this present condition

Bored like the Rainnnnnnnn

I am Bored. Bored enough to try to talk to Co-workers online. Bored enough to try to balance a spoon on my nose and yes, even bored enough to start spending the money I do not have on shoes from the internet. Yes my friends, I am that bored. You know what's sad? The co-worker is snubbing me, the spoon isn't working and the shoes, they don't have them in my size. I can't get anything right.

It's back.

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

Loss

It's odd to loose a co-worker that's close to you. They work next to you for years, but how much do you really know them? Life has it's secretes and sometimes, it's the fact that you don't know the person and what their capable of, that makes you know them even more than you think.

Coffee addict

The unmotivated level is amazing! I never want to do anything. I think I might go get some coffee! That sounds like an awesome idea! The only thing I'm ever motivated to do is to do nothing!

sleep

sleep,
originally uploaded by Photou.

After being stood up by Rosa for our shopping trip, I turn to sleep as my only comfort.

My life as it is

Tomorrow...My idea of a perfect tomorrow would to wake up and hear that life was cancelled and that we all should return when we come up with better holidays. Yes I'm single and completely alone again for the 20th time...But hey, who's counting right? Besides my mother that is. Seeing as I am now what would qualify as a pro " Single" Gal, I would like to give you first timers some hints as to how to make it through tomorrow:
1. Find that smarmy bitchy ass hole of a person at work, the one's who find time to bake the 500 cookies for the office, and give her an anti valentine

2. Invite all your single friends over and play pin the knife of Cupid.

3. Dress up in your Sunday best and take a walk through the park. Enjoy random shouting at any couple who walks by holding hands. Yell " Shame on you!" or " God hates you" at random volumes.

4. Find the most happiest couple, the ones who giggle and make out regardless of where they are, and slip a " Dear john" letter into his pocket and watch what happens. Remember in the letter, you have to specificity ask for him to never contact you again, to " Not even mention" the letter because your so disgusted in him.

5. Rent all the classics like..." Texas chain saw massacre" " Chucky" ect. Watch with your cats and or dog/stuffed animals.

and lastly remember that falling into the pits of " loneliness" Will only bring more terror than you need on a day like this! So follow my lead and be heartless and a coldhearted bitch!

What I've learned

My great grandma passed away this week. A very sad thing to happen...but I'm oddly not sad about it. She was 94 and had 10 children, many more grand children, and than some great grand children. What was sad was because she outlived many of her own children and didn't get to even out live her first husband. A week or so before passing she went and choose her coffin and made her aragments...wich i find very admarable; she choose a casket with rasing stipes, she said she always had children and even with her kids gone, she was taking care of her grandkids and so she never got to have a race car. My 94 year old grandmother spent her last days telling my great aunt how she thought she had broke her " Butt" because she couldnt stand up straight anymore.

My life is easy, I should be happy about it and realize...it's worth it to be happy and not to waste my time being stupid like i have been.

TaTa

And like all good things...My vacation must come to it's end. Am I doing any better? No. Am I any worse? No. So I guess I'm ahead of the game! I let myself get to overwhelmed about things. Work, family, they will live with out me worrying endlessly about them. I am going to start to " Relax" more and stress less. Let's just see how this game plan works out!
Today I need to get my room clean and my car washed and gutted. It's clean on the inside...All the way until you hit the trunk, it's a pig pin in there. Lol, I must be goin, laundry and massive work awaits.

Vacation...Or somethin like it

Vacation is a beautiful thing. I took a nice week off from work soz to clear my head. We all know how badly that was needed. It's really not the jobs fault. It's my own! I need to stress less and be happy more. But isn't that what we all need to do? I'm getting...Nothing done. I wanted to say lots and lots but that's just not true. It feels like no amount of sitting around eating junk in my pjs at 4ish in the evening will prepare me to get back into routine of waking up at 5 am every morning to go to work and than be back at home at 11ish every night. My life is full of needless junk that I only pile on myself. The crappy eating habits, the non work out routines, the stress the family worries, the life I've chosen feels like it's suffocating me quickly and for some reason, I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. Which is lame. In reality..I don't want to do anything about it. I've never been happy enough to want to live this full life I sometimes dream up. It's the full life or no life. Haha, I'm worse than anything! I play doctor to so many people I end up being able to tell myself no lies and just give it straight...But end up doing nothing about it. I sat up yesterday with the worse hangover and all I could ask myself was why? Why am I suddenly doing all these retarded things? Smoking, drinking? That's not me! I don't even like alcohol! I like the watching movies, rockin out with headphones to the hazardous glow of my computer! That's me. Not this, smoking at all times of the day, drinking for wild reasons. I'm 19 years old and my first night of drunkenness was 4 days ago. That's sad...Not in the respect that it should of happened earlier...It shouldn't of happened like that.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a coworker about school and age for some reason or another was brought up. He guessed me to be 22 and I laughed in his face. Another friend just weeks before was telling me that they had always assumed that I was around 30! I'm 19 and I look it in many respects. I act as if I have a life of resentment behind me and in some ways...I do. However, I'm young and I have a lot to learn. Is that what's getting to me? Is that what's bothering me? I'm young, but for my family I have to be 30. I have to be the younger sister who is there for her mother, there for her father, around to be for the children, there for the sisters, and between the arguments, and the ear to reason on. For my friends I have to be 19, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the pal to play with. For the people I work with...I have to be the strong level headed gal who knows what she's doing. God knows that I've learned my lessons in that store. There are those who will try to cut you because your young. I can't let them get that chance. I have to know what I'm doing. I have to be where I'm supposed to be or there will be people waiting there to point and say they told me so. There are a lot of things I'm missing in life. Puzzle pieces that I have to gather as I go. It feels like I was given the puzzle, told what it was, than told I have to finish it before I start it. My life isn't complete. For some that's not okay. For other's it's a given and for me....I don't know yet. I'm still sitting in the corner finding all the pieces and going " Jigsaw? I hate puzzles!"

Rosa called me a geek for buying books!

I am a shopaholic. My promotion has been spent not paying off my car loan, or catching up on the speeding ticket...Yet rather buying so many new pants and or junk, that my closet had to be re-fitted with 2x4's ( No joke! Thanks to my daddy and momma <3) Shopping may very well be an outlet for some sort of metaphorical crap...something im too brain dead to start thinkin bought.
Any waz, I start my vacation in approximently 2 days and i can be no less than Giddey. In atisapation I went and got some " I'm on vacation jeans" and than some reading material's, than some chocolets from see's candies. $14 bucks on candy? Damn! All this relaxing better pay off. I'm losing my mind and I don't know if Im going to get it back!
On a sadder note, my nephew broke his leg and dislocated his knee cap! Ouch x10! Trampolines are killer!

Grass kinda sun

Few things
1. Read this, and check out the entire site well your there, it's hilarious!
2. Work was really nice today.
3. It was sunny today! Not the, " I'm here to dry up the rain kinda sun" but the napping in the grass kind!
4. If the politically correct term for a short person is vertically challenged, is an overweight person horizontally gifted?

That feeling

Okay, first blog in Many moons. It's kinda sad the way things have been going. How have they been going? Bad. It's the first and only time I feel like putting this in words but oddly enough, I feel like maybe it will help.
I've been so un-deniable depressed lately. And when I say lately...I mean for the past two-three months and when I say depressed I mean DEEPLY depressed. Why? Everything. It's all one huge mound of distaste for where and who I am. I'm the first to say that I wake up some days and just am happy, but I find myself sad even through that smile and when I do muster up some happiness, something comes and shits on my parade. Cancer, drugs, alcohol, work, school, it's all part of what I don't want to live right now. I keep thinking, oh, it's just today, but than I go back in memories and remember this feeling from long ago. It's hanging over me as a reminder each day as to how I should live. It's building and building and I don't have any where to run from it. My friends aren't their as much as any of us want to say. That's not even their fault. They have their own lives to live. It's me who can't get my shit straight. It's hard to be like this when what I'm really worried is that it's an actual something I should get checked out by a medical professional...But maybe that's what really scares me. I know excatly what they are gunna say.