the mundane

I have a huge problem with the mundane. That's probably why I find myself day dreaming most of the time. I'll try to sit through work without thinking about the 100 different ways to rob them blind, but why? Than I would just be bored. This all lends to a bigger problem. All of this day dreaming makes me draw some very crooked lines regarding what is happening and what should happen. People like me end up writing sappy sick soap operas only because I could see how odd things make life interesting at least, in my store they do.

True to me

It's hard when you know something your not supposed to know. Knowing would mean what I know all the time, but would it mean the demise of what has been built? I like having my secretes, does that mean that I like having theirs too?

Really?

Blinded?

Collette: Now 20x better!

It's come and it's passed and what I got out of it? Another year to add to my life. When I was younger I used to have a horrible time sleeping. To aid this I would make these wildly vivid " Day Dreams" if you will about my life than, and how I expected it to be soon after certain ages. 20 was one of those ages I just imagined myself being " happy" and with somebody at a good to okay job, and being in college almost nearing the end. Now...We all know life isn't perfect and things never turn out how we wanted them to, but for the most part...I'm not thaaat disappointed with where I am. Granted, I'm far from " perfectly happy" I'm settling into the idea that I'm not ahead of the goals I have...But not far behind. However, I was reading something that caught my eye yesterday. It was something about a " Life remodel" and how people could go about doing " Amazing" things with there lives with the mere; faith, trust, will, energy, for change. Do I posses these things? Sure...If I really put my mind to it, I could change what I don't like about myself...But could I really change? And than all that begs to ask another question...Am I in fact broken? Or just unconfident with who I already am? With out going into the awful details, I realized today that it's not that I don't posses the ability to flirt and actually have the " want" to be with somebody, but it's the idea that I will actually have to take time to be open, truthfully, and be those things not only to that person...But to myself also. Somehow, I've gotten myself into this post deeper than I first wanted to. I'm tired and I think I'm gunna head off to bed!

Is that ok?

Is it okay to just yell the fact that I will be 20 years old tomorrow and im busting with excitement? Not because of the age, or even the idea of being 21...But because birthday means cupcakes, and cupcakes make me happy inside. Hey, what's a fat girl to do? Ask for presents? Dumbass!

The damned

I miss making beautiful things like this

I need to go get my creative juices flowing, they seem to have been...Damned up lately.

I keep thinking...

It's funny, Life it so simple, so easy, it's right there in front of us, be what you want to be, be happy, do what makes you happy; However, we don't listen. We don't pay attention that it's the day to day drone that makes things worth while. We go through life thinking of everything except the obvious. Look at it this way, art? Theater? Jobs, money, birth death, it's all in part of what makes us happy. Why live a life that does anything other than that? There's a level of numbness that develops when we forget. It's the idea that life has to be something or give us something, when in fact, it would seem that it's up to us to get what we can out of the experiences we get. When you think about all the people whom have passed before us, what is it that is their last thoughts? What do we know of death until we have lived it? I would imagine that it's the last regrets of what I didn't do rather than what I did...

That's the season

Im so full and Soo tired and Soo bored. Happy Easter!

Under where?

Yes, I'm that bored...bored enough to be watching " Underwear: A brief History" actually...It's quite interesting!

Resorting

I've resorted to eating everything in site. I don't know what to do without work. I just sit around in my pajamas all day watching really really lame Sci-Fi movies. I would be dead if it went for my laptop. I just keep tweaking it's settings and changing things. I don't think people understand how long I have wanted this. When I was young, it was a camera. Next it was a laptop, but a car won out over that than the laptop came back. It's not the most perfect one that I wanted but it's nice. Huge screen, no tiny font, wide keyboard, windows XP, DVD/dr-rw all the fancy stuff. The downfall? It's so heavy! I might not be able to heft it around school. I want to bring it to class so I can try out the network on campus but than again, lugging this around isn't that exciting.