It's the path left glittered

It's the path that I lose sight of. It's not the finish line...Because I don't know anything of it. It's not what I fear...Because I'm to lame most of the time to fear what I really should. It's not the people I've encountered...Because they are those whom make the trip worth the time. So how do I end up lost and alone? It's the path that I lose sight of, it's the trip itself. I have to remind myself sometimes that there is a world more important than the things that are glittering the path before me.

You deserve what you feel

What I'm thankful for......Its not my house, it's not my car, it's not my job, and it's not anything in my bedroom. It's the way Rosa has called me 4 times today. It's the way I left work yesterday thinking " Friday might just go ok!", It's how my mom stayed up all night last night cooking and than all day cleaning, and it's how my dad worked 12 hours last night. It's how Kareem can take on five extra tasks at once and still find the time to make fun of me, it's how people take the time to tell me how a cashier has made their day, it's how even when things look down...Things are still looking up from where they where. It's the sappy love movies, it's the time I can take out of life to do my stupid antics, it's how my niece will mimic my every move and how my nephew refuses to give me a hug until I am already out the door. I'm thankful for the people whom surround me. People who I hate, people who I love and for all those who I haven't even spoken to. It seems life's design has it out for me and in it, I am who I am...Only because of these people.

What it can be

It's a good night. I guess today's lesson is that life isn't what it is, and it's not what it isn't, it's what it can be.

Too nice? Or just too lost?

I can't even begin to collect my thoughts. Every sentence I begin, I close the thought by reaching for the Backspace canceling any idea with a prompt..." That's just not it". It's the feeling I can't pin down. It feels like I'm lost...Wondering in a area of my own minds creations. Where to go from here? There's nothing to look forward to anymore. It's overtly confusing, and randomly emotional. Lately things have just been crazy for my ackward thinking. I've realized how I have been taken advantage of at work. Maybe I've been to nice? I'll go at it with the true approach tomorrow, we shall see what comes out of this one. I do like the .357 idea however!

You have to have a computer for AOL?

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

It hurts

It's like speaking to a group of people for an hour...And they just sat there drooling into their laps. I deal with people all day at work, people who yell at me, tell me I'm incompetent, lazy, rude, stupid, retarded blah blah blah, and than I come home. People arguing, running around, fighting, cleaning, madness. The only escape I truly get is when I get out to go with Rosa and my other pals. I welcome this time. Today was the height of it all! I had an extremely stressful day at work, enough have me in tears, so tonight was going to be awesome for me. Fuck that all down the drain! I get to the mall where Rosa and Heath are to be waiting for me. They where nowhere to be seen. I call them once...Twice, three times, four times...No answer. That kinda pissed me off, but I finely got ahold of them and I was ready to get my shop on...But than all of a sudden my whole car shakes. This car full of three guys has just pulled in next to me and one of the guys who has just opened his door slamming it into mine. I try to get out of my car but their door was still there...So I wait. By the time I could get out, they are halfway to the entryway into the mall and are yelling back " No Speaka English!". Anger billowing out...Spilling over onto my arms that are now gripping my door itself, looking down at this huge dent they have put on my car, put into my patience, put into my hard earned car. So here I am, standing with the whites of my knuckles shaking the car door slightly back in fourth thinking in my head...How FUCKING good would it feel to Smash my door into their car? How good would a crunching sound make me feel right now? It would make me feel great! That's the truth. Slamming my door into their car would make me feel awesome at this point...But what about after this point? I stood there thinking for a a little bit longer about how good I would feel..But than I thought about why they walked away. What would I do if I was them? What had happened to them today? Who says they haven't had the same day I have? And even if they had sat at home on heated pillows eating grapes being served by women in skimpy bathing suits...Would me denting their car...Make my car not dented anymore? Would the paint magically jump back on my car? Would the feelings of hate and anger disappear? The answer is no, and I'm getting over it now. But than heath and Rosa come out to the car... I had tried telling them what had happened but Heath wasn't listening to me. I would try to talk to him, but he wasn't even listening to me. It's just like work, just like home, just like him. I can't handle it! I'm sitting here in these tears I only feel shamefully for, wondering if anybody has ever listened to me? It hurts, It hurts a lot.

twinkler-pony

This is awesome! I very much want to get into the beta!

Maybe

Anybody else notice how my profile has been lurking at the bottom of the screen for a looooong time? Maybe it's just waiting for a long enough post to be pushed back up...We shall fix that!

Maybe....

*

**

***

****

*****

****

***

**

*

**

***

****

*****

****

***

**

*

**

***

****

*****

***

**

*

Hasn't this been fun?

This has been a test of the collections Retardation test...This was ONLY a Test!

All of this still leaves Rosa passed out

Rosa is passed the hell out on my couch. At this point...I don't think a nuclear war would wake her up. My nephew has so far, ran his cars up and down the hallway...Which is two inches from where we where sleeping, built a castle out of blocks ( which really means he just banged pieces of wood together for about 5-10 minutes) Than he played the the baby, whom was crying ( which also really means that he ran his trucks into the baby's feet as he screamed bloody murder in the Johnny jump up). All of this still leaves Rosa passed out entirely in this innocent curled up ball on my rather small couch.

It was my mother

It was my mother who thought me that nobody could push me around if I didn't let them. I never liked that theory as a child. In fact I would let the other kids ( even though I was something of a giant in elementary school) push me around, beat on me, do the normal punk ass things. I hated fighting. The entire idea of beating somebody up or even getting in a fight would make me sick to my stomach. I never understood ( Still can't ) how a person could physically hurt another human...No matter how badly they hated each other. My mother on the other hand though, didn't share my feelings. She would tell me every black eye, every bruised arm, that I had to " beat the crap out" out of the other kids. It wasn't her fault. She was looking out for me, she was making sure I was safe. I wish she would still tell me what to do.
At work, I sit in a world of people of whom I couldn't even begin to understand let alone explain. They are a bunch on their own, living in a world to which any other might not understand. I live as an outsider to this world; A not so gentle observer. I feel like I'm 10 years old again. Not because of the mentality...But rather that I am hit with this feeling of cursing pain. I'm Confused, lost, alone, and angry.

Confused because these are people who will tell you the grass is purple, and swear to it until your purple in the face...Than when you show them the grass...And they see it's green...They will tell you your insane and that they never said it was purple to begin with.

Lost because I'm not used to being seen...And than ignored. In high school, I remember just thinking that I would just NEVER talk, and people would never have to talk to me or be mean because...They don't know who I am. I didn't have to worry about shit like this, because I made it a point not to be seen. When I got to Target...It was different. There where people I Wanted to talk to. There where people who sought out to talk to me ( The few and the awesome). Target made me feel great because I was getting everything I lacked in school! Coolness, happiness....A life.

I feel mostly alone because there isn't anybody who I feel safe going to and saying..." Hey...They are a fucker, help me"! It feels like everybody has a back door that their feeding the neighbors dog through. Nobody can be trusted and that's an awful feeling.

I'm angry even more than alone...Because everything I just said. It makes me angry that it's all true and it makes me angry that I can't do jack shit to make it better for those whom deserve it! Madman, Rosa, and the few and far between cashiers and salesfloor team members whom work their asses off!

So what do I do? Half of me wants to give in, forget everything I've worked to do. Maybe about...25% of me would like to run into these peoples faces and tell them " I've worked to hard, to long to get where I am...And you can NOT make me go anywhere, You better get over what ever you have wrong with me and move on! And than there's the other 25% that makes me want to grab the closest shopping basket and randomly ram it into their car in the parking lot...But thankfully for us, I'm not a violent person...Not yet and not anymore.