My Monk Man

Today...Is a good day. Today is a good day for many reasons! Starting with me becoming really sick again. Now...That in itself wasn't good, but what happened after was! I called out to work, and got a doctors appointment. Once at the doctors I got the usual routine, weigh, walk, wait sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit....Talk, sit sit sit sit sit, done! But the sitting was spent more or less with me in the cold quiet room all alone talking to myself. " WHAT?? REALLY? NO FRICKEN WAY! WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO!" this of course referring to the 40 lbs that the nurse just told me I had lost since my last visit 4 months ago! I haven't been down to this weight since...A long time. I'm feeling great and now realize that it's not just in my head, that my pants ARE getting to big and that my cloths just aren't fitting the same. I felt crazy for not noticing that!

After that shock wore off....Somewhat, I begin to continue my search for an apartment. Haha, that's right, im MOVIN on out! This of course starting with yesterday me being approved for a car loan and me deciding NOT to buy the car because if I can afford a car...Then I can afford to move out and I need to do that soon enough! So after I got over being totally upset about not getting the car, I got really hyped about getting an apartment. Thus me all day sitting at home in my pjs finding apartments online.

Next big thing is that I got my wish and was put on a new drug. Forgetting names and remembering that it's just not that important, I was put on a drug to help with my Ho-Hormones as I would like to call them. This being birth control and it being the one where I get to have only four periods a year! SCORE one for the ladies okay?

Last but mostly not least...Robert.
As of the 16th, Robert and I have been going out for 6 months. This being no small feat in the long run, however, I think of it as a time in which we can talk that stoic look back and realize where we have come from, where we are and where we are going.

I have a feeling he hates these stories, but I tell them all the time, and because he's the sweetheart he is, he usually lets me....

When I first met Robert he was brand new to the Target culture and it was still awkward for me, a seasoned hit women to talk to the like of his rookieness. However, this didn't stop my curiosity, and to this very day, I remember thinking...How quiet, interested and curious his face was to people, he always had a look of question, a raised eye brow if you will, and that intrigued me. When we first started dating I couldn't place my finger on it, yet now, I have come to see, it's the curiosity that has kept us both together. We are creatures of habit and animals of taste. I want to try everything out, see it, taste it, feel it, know it, and from my view, that's who he is also and I find that even more intriguing. Call it self exploration, call it chaos, I call it the monkish phenomenon in which, you just can't resist to reach out.......And touch. ;)

The Watcher

I don't even know what to do with myself. I woke up early with full intentions of going out to Marin for a court appearance but then because of case load mine was pushed back for another month. This all being good because my insurance agent messed up and told me he would print some paper work for me and then failed to be there when I came in. After that I called a friend and we went S-H-O-P--I-N-G! Don't worry, I didn't spend a penny and got this awesomely cute little jacket! After that I went and had a good chat with one of my friends from Target. Damn, I fucking miss that place! I miss knowing the policies, knowing the people, knowing my guests! However, the company, and the pay, SUCKED. I'll move on I guess.

Funny thing about moving on is that there is no real way to leave un-teathered to something. I have all these strings tied to my past and yet, some way, I continue into my future, always thinking the strings are going to break, or become to short, but these stay with me always at my side, reminding me why I am where I am. I'm learning such a hard lesson right now. I'm so interested in life, so interested in the world and how and why it works as it does, and within this I find myself " Shell shocked" by it's marvels. I want to explore everything, experience it's highs and lows, lefts and rights, confusion and understanding.

On a lighter note, Read " The Giver" Written by: Lois Lowry

Ice cold please!

Why can I not sleeeepppp? What Is wrrongggg with meeee? This is the night of forever! It's not even going by productivly! Randome though...I wish I had a bottle of water!

Pookie tot?

Are you as scared as I am? I can't stop feeling everything all at once.

Genuine Feelings Make me the Happiest!

Im going to spell it out. Maybe it's for my sake, and maybe it's for yours.
I have lived in a world that has defined and clarified it's meaning into two sections for me. Happiness and Unhappiness. At that early age things became so hard for me to cope with at such small levels I begin to work on whittling away to the meaning and cause of all that was accruing. Either you where happy or unhappy. Life and all it's cute little meanings was all working to sum up to making everything work for your own profit. It's funny sometimes how we mask what we truly want with the needs of others and create this grand idea that we are doing what we are doing for the aid of others when in fact, we do it for ourselves because helping people makes us FEEL good and ultimately if it didn't we wouldn't.

I struggle sometimes finding small things bring me down and find it harder to step up then it might of been to step down. I pay attention to small things and then ill think about how stupid paying attention to all the details is and try to look at the big picture. Between this constant of push and pull in my thoughts, I fall deeper into feeling sad. I often wonder if it's more physical then mental or more mental then physical then I realize...RELAX....Don't worry, be happy. Suddenly I step back from it all and go...Fuji it. Clouds swim away and the ache, sketchy feelings seem to disappear and I wonder...hmm, how long will it be until I'm back downstairs? ....Sometimes I care about becoming sad again...Sometimes I don't. With where I'm at now, I'll I really believe I need is Hugs, Kisses and some genuine attention.

Oh really?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Rainy

ummmm, I'm rained in. Can't get to work. The freeway is closed. My street is closed. The cops wont let me leave. Lol, Im like a kid finding out school is closed! But then I remember that I cant get out to see Robert either! Fuck!

More Later, I'm sleepy!

Today it's raining, tomorrow it's gunna rain, it's been a week since it wasn't raining and It will be another week until it stops. I feel wet all the time and there's a since of depression thought the culture of Sonoma, Marin and Napa county's. There is a fear I hold, because I am now part of the commuter world, that I am going to hydro plane into a car and flip both of us. On my way home with Robert I nearly slid off the road into a wall twice. What really made my heart jump a beat was how my car began to slide sideways and as I begin to lose more and more control my heart begin to sink just a bit lower into my chest. I hate the feeling that I could hurt not only myself but those around me. I Hate the rain!

This is something that im sure your going to get tired of but it's more of for me then you, okay?

This years New Year's resolutions!
1. Loose weight: I always say it, I always wonder if it will happen, always wish it would and always wonder Why I don't.

2. Spend more time with my family: I will remember later why this is never a good idea, but until then, just saying it makes me feel better! hahahaha

3. BE ONTIME: yes, Robert knows as well does my previous employer, I need to get real on this and I believe this will be my biggest focus this year.

4. Be true: I will work on becoming more honest with my friends and family and even in my relationships.

5. Less Fighting: I will stop becoming argumentative.

Merry Christmas!

“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.

“Let’s be thankful to Brownie for doing such a good job, even if he doesn’t have it anymore.

“Let’s be thankful that we live in a place like America and not in a place like China where the doors are really tricky to open.

“Let’s be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.

“Let’s be thankful for Sony PlayStation Portable, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they’re going on and on about the economy.

“Let’s be thankful that the year’s almost over and I’ve managed to avoid talking to Cindy Sheehan.

“Let’s be thankful that John Kerry waited until a year after the election to start saying smart things about Iraq.

“Let’s be thankful to Rep. “Mean Jean” Schmidt (R-Ohio) for saying, ‘Cowards cut and run, but the brave serve in the Alabama National Guard.’

“Let’s be thankful that in nine months it will be August and then I can go on summer vacation again.

“Let’s be thankful that we have such courageous men and women working at the CIA, and that we all know their names.

“And finally, my fellow Americans, let’s be thankful that, even though we still haven’t brought Osama bin Laden to justice, we did finally get Robert Blake.”

Perma Smile

As of late....Almost every moment I have is spent with Robert or at Gap.
Two things that are making me smile permanently right now?
1. I have a good job! I get paid good, I am happy and I'm learning a lot!
2. Walking into Roberts well he has classical music full blast watching him conduct as I cooked and drank sweet wine.


And on a final note...I've quit smoking! It's been like a month!