I suck today

I'm coming to terms with things in my life.
1. I can not cook
2. My hair, will never be flowy and shiny
3. I will never have giant perky breasts
4. I can't make a sweat shirt and sweat pants look sexy
5. I will snort, and belly laugh and it will NOT be sexy
6. I'm a crocheting, overweight, fuzzy haired 24 year old single women.

I'm going to go over to my best friends house tonight, and I'm going to pout and putter around until I feel better. At least there, I know he will tell me my hair looks like crap, my food tastes awful and I look like a two bit whore. That's because that's what friends do! They tell you the truth and tell you that they love you anyway!

219-199

It's one of those self pity days. It's the perfect day to clean my room, get organized, feel sick, and watch netflix all night...alone. My stomach aches are coming back more and more often. I thought since my weight loss things where clearing up with my medical issues, but it seems they have only gotten worse. Maybe my doctors diagnosis was incorrect. Another reason to be excited about getting skinny is because when I go to the doctors they will no longer say " Well, because your obese..."

However...I'm stuck at 219 lbs. I go up .5 or .9 lbs a day and then back down the same amount the next. 219 is now a bad word to me. When days ago I was almost in tears to see the newest low numbers, I am now becoming disappointed. When will 219 become 215 or 210 even better, when will 219 become 200? When will I be 199?? Oh 199! I love you! I can't wait to be with you!

219

Weight update!
As of my last weigh in, I am now 219 lbs. I am 5.5 lbs away from being overweight as opposed to obese. I am now 34 lbs away from my all time goal and I am two and a half months before I reach my deadline. If I make my deadline, then within one years time, I will of lost more then 100 lbs.

I keep getting these moments where a smile crosses my face and instantly tears seem to fill my eyes and all I can think of is...I'm going to be one of those stories that people talk about " Remember Collette? That really big girl from grade school? SHE lost 100lbs!" Everybody has always saw me as that fat girl. It's my opinion that when your fat people stop thinking of you as an actual person. They stop thinking of you as a women, they stop thinking of you as an option and you become the comfort person for a lot of people. This is why some people will always be fat in personality and why some people will never be able to see me as anything other then that fat comfortable friend. Others, they will suddenly be shocked by..." Where did you come from?" feeling. I will one day fall into their plane of vision and they will shock themselves for not seeing it before. This is my gift to myself. I am giving myself the opportunity to live my life. I am no longer giving myself excuses. I am no longer telling myself it's impossible. I am going to be skinny and I am going to be the best skinny me I deserve.

Skinny

I am 40 lbs away from being considered " Healthy" I honestly...never thought that this was going to be possible. I can't even fathom being heavier then I am now, and I can't believe I waited sooo long to get here! I'm dying to run into those people who always said it wasn't going to happen. 300-222 in less then one year. I'm impressed! Is that wrong? This is the ONE thing in my life, I have 100% control of and I might actually be able to make this ONE dream come true!
I was thinking about it today, and I started to analyze why I have finally been able to loose the weight. I laugh at the idea that I set my deadline for what would of been my two year anniversary with Ray. I'm not still in love with him. This is for me. This is soooo for me. This is so I can finally start my life. Finally I can wear clothes from the mall!!!! Finally I can flirt with guys without thinking they are grossed out by my weight. I might actually...be skinny. I COLLETTE WILL BE SKINNY! Skinny. Wow. SKINNY! For the first time in my entire life...I will be skinny. knock on wood!!