बर्थडे

I was going to blog last night, but this morning, I am happy I didn't. I was in a ugly place last night. I had rented some movies, bought some new crafting projects, and bought a single microwave dinner. I was in the grocery store when it hit me, " I am so alone". Not only did I have nothing to do and nowhere to go, I had nobody special to spend the day with. I am lucky I have friends like Kelly and her Boytoy, +their lil guppy, but it's just not the same. Some of my friends have emailed me or texted me. SOME haven't. So I sat alone last night, realizing that everybody has finaly paired off except me.

That's when I had another thought...I actually LIKE being alone. I enjoy having my crafting nights. I'm teetering on the idea of traveling, being fancy free, able to roam the world, discover amazing things, take pictures, have wild fun. On the other hand...when your spending your birthday eating a microwave dinner...you have to wonder if there's something wrong with you to where your " Friends" don't even care enough to call. I was sitting in my room last night around 2am wondering " AM I ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE???" Those irritatingly annoying friends, your OBLIGATED to talk to or hang out with because...well, that's how the world works! I have those friends. I find the magic in them most of the time, but I also avoid their phone calls, dread having to do things with them,is that me? It would make me more mad to think people are treating me like that instead of just NOT talking to me. If you don't like me, then hell, don't talk to me.

Kelly called. Because she's the best person on the face of the planet. She also made me a Panda cupcake. Which makes me cry a little. And when a twinge of fear jumped into my mind thinking...." OH GOD! CUPCAKES!" she said the words of a god, "I made you just one, because I didn't want to tempt you, because I know your on a diet" and that's when I know she's the best friend a girl could have.

I weighed myself today, and I was in such fear because for the past few days I have had a smorgasbord of nasty fat foods. I have been loosing weight slowly but surely however...for the past week, I've beat myself up. I've been putting my clothes on, taking note of how tight they are and how they don't fit as the did. So I was pretty convinced that I had blown my diet and gained 10 lbs in the past week. I weighed myself today and I've lost another 1.5 lbs. Surprising.

That was my birthday present to myself. Doing what I need to do, in spite of those who have tried to make me cheat by offering me pizza, candy, sodas, ect. I have been sucessful for MYSELF. When I started this whole thing, my good friend said he would be there by my side and help me. I joined HIS gym, and we even made a date to quit smoking together to help one an another. I went, and he didn't. I'm no longer going to let other people decide my fate. I know that if I keep going over and hanging out with him, he won't stop smoking around me so I can stop smoking, He won't make "dinner" fast food ever time we hang out, and he wont loose the weight for me either. I have to take hold of my life and stop pinning it on everybody else. Dieting is such a lonely dirty world to live in. It's like your hiding in a dark closet munching on a salad because people look at your funny. I've had a few hard times with my family. I've grown up in a house where buying 10-15 candy bars, twinkies, and other wonderful nasty foods where part of the regular weekly shopping. Now, living in that same environment is HORRIBLY hard. I had to tell my mom to keep the twinkies in her room because they where keeping me awake by screaming my name. But it doesn't stop them from buying them. It doesn't stop them from having dinner at fast food restaurants. I've had to stop eating with them all together because they eat soo horribly bad. I've started having dreams that my parents die of heart attacks and strokes. On top of those nightmares, I have been dreaming my worst nightmare of them all...

I'm in a fight situation, where I have to defend myself, and I try to punch them, but my arms move soo slow I can't hurt them, and I try to scream, but it's muted. I've started to wake up feeling so incapable and terrified. I have this dream whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think it's about me feeling incapable to take my own life into my hands. I've started picturing this before I go to sleep " I am STRONG, I can scream so loud I can shake windows! If I had to fight back, I could!" I then picture, as odd as it sounds, punching a person as hard as I can and them falling and getting hurt. Maybe it's part of my past and maybe it's part of my current life, but the feeling of helplessness is going to be a battle for me. I can do it!

थे फट गर्ल

The honest truth about weight loss.

My boobs have literally SHRUNK neigh, SHRIVELED to almost 2 sizes smaller! I wish my stomach would shrink as fast however it hasn't. I have lost an approximate 50 lbs! I've lost two pant sizes and two bra sizes, and one shirt size. My success has been in watching what I am eating. No more salt! I've realized how much stuff is loaded with salt! You wouldn't even believe it! Some bottled water has large amounts of salt!!

I've been MOST successful in lowering my calories. I've been almost TOO successful! I find myself forcing myself to eat. I've gone days just eating 200-400 calories, which to me, just isn't healthy! So, I've worked on eating healthy and keeping it at or under 1500 calories. I work out on a semi regular basis, and plan on working harder in the next few months.

I run my hands down to my sides sometimes and every time I am AMAZED, confused, and astonished my the new body I've been living in. At night I run my hands over all my fat, taking inventory of what is where and taking personal stock.

When I was younger, I would do the MOST destructive things to loose weight. I was even more destructive to myself. Cutting, suicide attempts, fasting for days, crash diets, vomiting, and everything was obviously followed by extreme depression.
I now do something that makes me proud and makes living through all that worth it! When I run my hands over my plumpy curves now, I think to myself " Wow! Collette! You're doing it! Your BEAUTIFUL! You wanted this and YOUR DOING IT! I can look at myself in all my awkwardly shaped curves and I LOVE them. When I look at myself I think of how there is one man out there, that looks so AMAZING and beautiful and attractive to me and when we meet, and fall in love, he will feel the same way about me, and that's how I have to look at myself that way too.

I'm healthy AND happy!

स्लीप

I've lost 0.4 lbs a day every day for the past week. ROAD BLOCK! Makes me sad :( I've cut my calories down to 1500 or lower with 30min of cardio a day. I would be doing more but I am soo incredibly sore I can barely move my arms above my head.

I'm trying not to eat my emotions. It's pretty difficult. I keep telling myself cliches to make myself feel better, " It will all be better in time," it doesn't seem to be working that well. I just seem to be working out my anger instead which isn't healthy either. I want so desperately to be healthy entirely that I'm not willing to put up with this. My best friend thinks I am jealous of him and his girlfriend just because I don't want to hang out with them as a couple. Why don't I? Because it's strange!? Like I don't see you nuzzeling her face, rubbing her legs? Like I want to see that?!! I was just thinking about him, and how if I had been in his position I would want to spend as much time as I could with my new partner as I could. With the exception of still talking to my friends once in a while. When he told me last week that he "needed" to hang out with me instead of her is because I smoke and she doesn't...I decided I am no longer going to smoke. I quit. I'm making a better me, I can't think of it as loosing the only friend I had to hang out with, I have to think of it as making the best life choice I could of made. I'm not snacking anymore, I'm exercising, I've stopped smoking, I am...me again.

The biggest worry in my life right now should be, " Will quitting smoking make me gain my weight back?"

Instead I am sad because it's a week from my birthday, and I really wanted my friends to be there, so I could dazzle them with how well I am doing, for once in my life. My tuna fish will be there, and so will her bdaddy, that makes me happy. They are the only two people who pretty much haven't let me down, even when they do, I feel like it's grown up reasons and nothing back stabbish.

I've medicated myself to sleep this past week, and seeing as the PM pills I took just kicked in, I'm so going to pass out! Peace!

गूद्मोर्निंग

Yesterday I asked my mom if pills had calories. I think I've lost it. I am however, still loosing weight which is very exciting. 50 lbs down, 55 lbs more to go. *Sigh* I'm hungry, it's 5am, I think I'm gunna make a snacky