I am to my team as my boss is to me. I'm strict as hell and sometimes use rudeness out of fear to protect my own interests. Why I am so protective of what people think of me is oblivious to me. I keep remembering back to how much I wanted this job and how much I was sure I wasn't going to turn out like the others that had gone before me. I have, I've turned out just the same if not worse and the only difference is that I don't know how to fix it. I had a huge argument with my boss yesterday and it ended up with him throwing a stack of papers announcing " I've worked in retail for 30 years Collette!". I want everything to be ok. I want to go to work and my team to say hi, people to ask me to go hang out with them, people to not talk behind my back, whisper around the corner, maybe im offensive because of this talk, or maybe the talk is because I am offensive to begin with. I love where i work and the people are awesome at times, but damn me to hell, I try to do my job and I try to do it well, but it feels like they wont let me do that without me being a overly strict bitch. I'm done letting people walk over me, that's how I spent my first two years at target and im not going to let that happen again. I'm over being hurt by other people and even more so by myself. In the beginning it was a good idea to take this much on because I wanted the money, but I'm 20, living at home, I have all the nice stuff, pretty and expensive things, but is it a sacrifice I want to continue to make at the cost of my self Confidence? Or am I just over thinking things? I need a vacation, No....I need a hobby!
May 31, 2005
May 28, 2005
What are you up to collette? " Ughhhh......"
Oh the things I do with the wireless internet and a laptop. It's the best Invention since the laptop!
I'm ready
I'm Tired and I have to go to work soon. However, not before I get coffee! Ok Bitches, I'll see you later. PS, Remember that downloading 100 illegal songs is not the best way to spend your night. Not that that's what I was doing or anything...Pss, Ipods ROCK!
May 27, 2005
Cosmic Understanding
What is it that makes love work? Is love on it's own mean that it's working? Or is the idea of Love having to work barbaric? Ideally in my eyes it's what happens regardless of what you want and what you do. Surrounded by those who " Make it work" It makes me wonder sometimes. The truly unhappy at life seem to be the most desperate and when it comes to love...They are never short of " happy" because they MAKE it work. Is there such a thing as making yourself happy? If indeed you can make yourself happy than what is it to say for faith and blind love? Am I in love you might ask; well your answer is no. But I'm never one to leave what I see around me alone and take it at face results because for what I don't experience myself...I would like to say I've at least understood how they came about to be where they are. The couple that's been together for years and has split...When you know they both are better off alone or with somebody else, they are there, together, giving the " What if" idea a run around. Or the Married two with the family and the life that they just don't seem to be happy with, but they are doing the motions and they seem to be ok with that. Why is that not enough for me? Will I have to settle? I hope not, because it hurts to even see these people do it. I need a life of my own, maybe life's questions will come together in some cosmic understanding and I will be able to leave other people's life's alone and experience it for my own....Yeah, maybe.
May 20, 2005
May 16, 2005
Names have been changed for my protection
Str141: hi
madman: howdy
Str141: im sorry about how ive been acting lately
Str141: ive been a little thrown off by stuff
madman: is everything okay?
Str141: yeah, im just really not feeling like myself and things are getting wired all around, so ive been a little to sensitive to that and I just was saying sorry, I felt kind of bad ( ashamed) for acting so fucking odd/stupid on Saturday
madman: it is okay.....I understand
madman: can I help you with anything?
Str141: hahaha, no thank you
Str141: hahahahahahahahaha
( As a side note, " Can I help you find something" is a pilot " Key Phrase" Target is trying in The San Francisco area, Ie. My store. I don't know if he meant it like that, but it's all my over worked ass could think of)
Madman: how are things going wild?
Madman: at home? At work?
Str141: 2/2
Madman: oh
Str141: XXXXXX started doing meth again
Madman: oh no
Madman: why?
Str141: and a crazy women and her two kids are moving back in
Str141: Because she can
Madman: why are they moving back in?
Str141: she was going to call me sat to ask me to come do it wither her
Madman: oh shit
Str141: Because her no job having ass got evicted
May 15, 2005
What's beautiful to me
What's beautiful to me...Ask me earlier today, and I would of said nothing. It's the feeling where I can feel everything and notice all that lives around me and I want to just get away from everybody because they disgusted me. I work with the general public and it's just that, general. That's not a point in it's self because what most people don't understand is that there is nothing more general than the feeling of hate. We all look at the person yelling and throwing a fit and think," Oh my god! What a fool" but we all have been there and will all go there again. Im in a position as to where I just happen to deal with anger all the time and sometimes I let it get away with me. I'm the bouncing wall for all that pisses you off, however, sometimes, it's not always the about the return. If only yelling would make it all better. It does sometimes, but if the feeling of guilt doesn't get to you than something else will. What's amazing is that there are those moments where your you would like nothing else to do than scream, throw everything down and have it out over the counter with the lady who wants to return the used underwear she used and " didn't like the feel of the crotch" but you realize...What does me yelling at Her do? She's happy right now. Maybe not happy, but not in a horrible tizzy fit. So if I start this, if I begin this cycle, it wont end here. She's going to head out to get groceries and be still wound up from me that she's going to take it out on another person, maybe the bag boy, maybe the lady who cuts in line, but it's going to happen. So in the seconds I have to think about this, I have to decide...What do I REALLY want to do here. When it's the choice of Money...My mind is made up. I would let the $5.50 go rather than begin this game. Where does that leave me? I feel like I'm the wondering vault of other peoples feelings sometimes and when I have nothing else good to do, I sit and realize how un-happy people are and it gets to me. So what does any of this have to do with beauty? There's nothing more beautiful than somebody who shamelessly accepts this idea and lets it go. Every day, behind the guest that is screaming and yelling is another and they, like most are sitting there, thinking " wow, what a bitch". What is beautiful about that person is that they will go out with a new respect for people. They are thinking, if just for a moment, not of just themselves, their worlds, their bills, there children, and such. They go about their life and they will get over it in minutes if not seconds. Ignorance is beautiful to me, because they will go on with there life until they are that screaming person standing in audience with me on their shoulder. The ability to be there, witness humanity at it's most normal moment, is something that I treasure. What is beautiful to me is that I have the ability to stop this right than and there. A feeling of power of any sort is enough to make you feel Godlike, however, I just use it in the end to sort through my own life. I stop it from going to the cashiers, and the cashiers in the other stores and they stop it from coming to me. I live like this in one world like respect for everybody understanding that sometimes, you just have to yell to get it all out. Get it out now, with me, rather than bringing it to your family, your life, your children, your love, your passion. Let me kill it and get it over with now, rather than living with it in the future. Sort of conceded, I know, but that's what I have to live with and they always say, " work with what you got".
May 14, 2005
Only every day of my life...
Do you ever realize the point you became the person you are now and regret letting that moment happen?
May 10, 2005
laps
Rosa got a laptop! OMG, So now she can not only read my blog, but comment, and I can comment on her blog! Fucks me that's exciting! I really think writing things out will help her. More than she knows, it's really something I take for granite. The ability to trust yourself and let yourself write what is not only true, but on subject, is an ability that most have yet to master ( Including myself). However, when your thinking, nothing is ever on subject and your mind is always spread to thin. When it's on paper though...It all seems to make sense and mean one thing...Your thinking about it. And isn't that all that matters anyways?
May 7, 2005
mystery
Can I say that it's been ages since Hedge has even commented on this blog? What's up with that! And when do I get another clue as to how you found Collections and Rosa's Blog? It's all still a mystery! I need some excitement in my life!
May 6, 2005
Until than
Im tired of going to the doctors! No more blood! Ive given more in the past month than I believe your supposed to in a life time. Once to donate, than twice for testing. Ah well, it all goes to finding out what's wrong with me and how I can fix it. It seems, for those interested, that what is wrong wasn't what I suspected at all. Apparently my hormones are a little off and that could of couldn't be caused by some other things. Who knows, and it will take some time to figure out what's going on so I guess I will wait and see.
May 1, 2005
Not tired any more!
My feet hurt. Prolly because I bought shoes that where to small for me, but they where cute and the only ones in that size! Ah well. They where cheap and I'm over it.
So tomorrow is my " DAY OFF" and I'm looking damn forward to it. I want to go out and go to the beach, maybe bike riding...But it seems I'm all alone in the want to go do something real. When I was younger, it was always me not wanting to go out and do stuff because I was lazy, but now it seems I'm in similar company. Geez people, I just want to do for a bike ride!
