Thank you...

It was 21 years to the very date. 21 years ago, I was brought into this world. Sum my life up in one post? Not really, however I feel the need to say this.

I am for once, Happy. Maybe that's what has been scaring me so much lately. I remember to the very day in high school when I decided to end everything. I remember sitting in class, looking at life happening around me and thinking how everything and everybody hurt me. Their happiness, their living factor made me want to give up.

I also remember the first day of high school when I was walking through the halls and it was as if something hit me...It just felt different. I was living, and it was me, not somebody else's life that was effecting me, it was ME! I kept waiting for the speaker, the teacher, the friend, the person, who was ready to reach out and touch me, reach out and make since, make my world somehow fall into place...And it never happened. I got bored and decided to do it for myself. If I didn't make that jump, if I never woke up and decided not to die, what would of happened? Where would I be? Not here that's for damn sure!

The life Vibe

I'm waiting for life to start. It's a feeling balling in behind my eyes, between my toes, vibrating in my stomach, looking for a road to diverge within. I live between the lines and from these lines I draw my future. I want to live, walk away and breath for the first time. The feeling of boredom seems to take hold of my body and plant me into the ground I walk. Make me wake up! Make me live, make me enjoy the air in which I draw for life. Make me

Yaaaayyy!

Oh dear god i forgot how good this feels! It's been ages since I last had a computer in my place and now that I finely do I will be back again on a normal basis. Wow...Lots has accrued in the past month or so. I moved out, became single, experienced so much in such a little time, it's hard to know where to start.
Hmmm, lets see, work has been going pretty good. Lets hope I'm not jinxing it there.. And it seems moving out was a great Idea for me because it has really meant so much for me to be able to describe myself as a person because I don't have mommy and daddy standing over my shoulders now. Not that I don't miss them, Because I do and I know they miss me. My mom has taken the move very well, but my dad...It's been rough. I can see why, I am the baby and the last one to leave and I did it at a relatively young age (comparing to my sisters at least). I need to get on my money status now though...I say this as I type on my new computer.... haha.
As for love? That's going to have to wait. Not enough time, not enough people. Collette has very little patience.
And roommate living you ask? I love her, she's been great, it's not hard to live with her and im surprised even though I should of known considering we have been friends for 20 years now.
Speaking of years...I will be 21 next week...Not to sure how I feel about that. It's neither here...nor there I propose, however I am told I will love it.

Post #504

There are few and less reasons as to why I have been forgetful in posting lately. One of them being as usual, work. Second, I've been trying to get things in order to move out. In wich I have and am now spending my second night in my new apartment. It's fun, completely scary and a little boring. Even though all that sounds fun and dandy I also am re-learning my singlehood. Boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago and regardless how I feel about it, I'm still adapting to not having him there. There as in my mind, there as in my car, in my new apartment, on my phone, at dinner, in the mall, in my arms...It's really hard to quite cold turkey something you have had for 7 months. It's also hard realizing as I am this very second that I left home, the place where I've lived for 21 years. I'm gunna miss hearing the kids every morning, my mom every night, my dad in the afternoon...It was stability and now everything I have is in limbo, on me. I don't like this choking feeling. When I started this weblog I told myself I wanted to be honest and I need to remember to try to achieve that. I miss my home, I miss my family, I miss my boyfriend and I miss being sure of things. I fought way to much with the boy...Why was that? It's not the unhappy times I remember and trying to think of them, I can't. I'm sure I might if I was given time or examples...But right now, all I can remember is waking up next to him brushing my face with his hand, or our first awkward date or how he makes that face when he thinks I'm not looking...I need to get over it. We arrant in love.

Second of all, Hello it's fucking cold in this bitch!

Single white fat female

It's like a band aid...You have to take it off quickly but it sure as hell doesn't make it not sting after. Being single is like being fat, when your skinny, it's easy to be happy about who you are and how you do, but when your fat, you can tell the whole world to fuck off with all the confidence in the world.

The countdown Begins

http://www.clocklink.com/clocks/9001E-Gray.swf?TimeZone=PST&Target=2006,3,29,12,01,00&Title=Countdown to 21!" width="288" height="18" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">

This is what happens when I get time off!

I have a new addiction! Photographica! Getting comments is as close to ecstasy as I have been in a while! It's the photographers rush and I LOVE IT! Second addiction...Unsolved mysteries! LOVE EM! I cry, I laugh, I'm freaked out, it's better then any soap opera!

Strong

1. I need to move out! Things are just not organized like I need them to be. I have to much stuff!
2. I need to get all things relating to my car fixed!
3. I need a new or second job, preferably a new one!
4. I need to reorganize my priority's regarding friends, school and life.
5. SAVE MONEY!

Valentines HEeeeeellllllppppp....

I hate valentines day. Always have, always will. It's a holiday condoning our way of life here in America where we ignore each other until the one holiday where everything comes out in a strange barf of hallmark pink! As a women, as a human, I want your passion 365 days a year! I want you to look daringly into my eyes and tell me I'm amazing, and I want to be able to grab you from behind and bring you into a long passionate kiss. However, these kinds of things have been pulled all into one holiday where we wait until then to show it and often because our schedules don't allow for it. I realized something about myself today, and not only about myself yet all of women ( And man for that matter) kind. We often say how upsetting it is that we don't get what we really want on valentines day and that to me, sort of speaks to how we are a society. We don't communicate as well as we should. SPEAK UP! Take time today and ask your partner what's romantic to them and try to fill their dreams. Your relationship will be better off! Try it and If I'm wrong...Then your not in the right kind of relationship!

My Monk Man

Today...Is a good day. Today is a good day for many reasons! Starting with me becoming really sick again. Now...That in itself wasn't good, but what happened after was! I called out to work, and got a doctors appointment. Once at the doctors I got the usual routine, weigh, walk, wait sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit....Talk, sit sit sit sit sit, done! But the sitting was spent more or less with me in the cold quiet room all alone talking to myself. " WHAT?? REALLY? NO FRICKEN WAY! WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO!" this of course referring to the 40 lbs that the nurse just told me I had lost since my last visit 4 months ago! I haven't been down to this weight since...A long time. I'm feeling great and now realize that it's not just in my head, that my pants ARE getting to big and that my cloths just aren't fitting the same. I felt crazy for not noticing that!

After that shock wore off....Somewhat, I begin to continue my search for an apartment. Haha, that's right, im MOVIN on out! This of course starting with yesterday me being approved for a car loan and me deciding NOT to buy the car because if I can afford a car...Then I can afford to move out and I need to do that soon enough! So after I got over being totally upset about not getting the car, I got really hyped about getting an apartment. Thus me all day sitting at home in my pjs finding apartments online.

Next big thing is that I got my wish and was put on a new drug. Forgetting names and remembering that it's just not that important, I was put on a drug to help with my Ho-Hormones as I would like to call them. This being birth control and it being the one where I get to have only four periods a year! SCORE one for the ladies okay?

Last but mostly not least...Robert.
As of the 16th, Robert and I have been going out for 6 months. This being no small feat in the long run, however, I think of it as a time in which we can talk that stoic look back and realize where we have come from, where we are and where we are going.

I have a feeling he hates these stories, but I tell them all the time, and because he's the sweetheart he is, he usually lets me....

When I first met Robert he was brand new to the Target culture and it was still awkward for me, a seasoned hit women to talk to the like of his rookieness. However, this didn't stop my curiosity, and to this very day, I remember thinking...How quiet, interested and curious his face was to people, he always had a look of question, a raised eye brow if you will, and that intrigued me. When we first started dating I couldn't place my finger on it, yet now, I have come to see, it's the curiosity that has kept us both together. We are creatures of habit and animals of taste. I want to try everything out, see it, taste it, feel it, know it, and from my view, that's who he is also and I find that even more intriguing. Call it self exploration, call it chaos, I call it the monkish phenomenon in which, you just can't resist to reach out.......And touch. ;)