I suck today

I'm coming to terms with things in my life.
1. I can not cook
2. My hair, will never be flowy and shiny
3. I will never have giant perky breasts
4. I can't make a sweat shirt and sweat pants look sexy
5. I will snort, and belly laugh and it will NOT be sexy
6. I'm a crocheting, overweight, fuzzy haired 24 year old single women.

I'm going to go over to my best friends house tonight, and I'm going to pout and putter around until I feel better. At least there, I know he will tell me my hair looks like crap, my food tastes awful and I look like a two bit whore. That's because that's what friends do! They tell you the truth and tell you that they love you anyway!

219-199

It's one of those self pity days. It's the perfect day to clean my room, get organized, feel sick, and watch netflix all night...alone. My stomach aches are coming back more and more often. I thought since my weight loss things where clearing up with my medical issues, but it seems they have only gotten worse. Maybe my doctors diagnosis was incorrect. Another reason to be excited about getting skinny is because when I go to the doctors they will no longer say " Well, because your obese..."

However...I'm stuck at 219 lbs. I go up .5 or .9 lbs a day and then back down the same amount the next. 219 is now a bad word to me. When days ago I was almost in tears to see the newest low numbers, I am now becoming disappointed. When will 219 become 215 or 210 even better, when will 219 become 200? When will I be 199?? Oh 199! I love you! I can't wait to be with you!

219

Weight update!
As of my last weigh in, I am now 219 lbs. I am 5.5 lbs away from being overweight as opposed to obese. I am now 34 lbs away from my all time goal and I am two and a half months before I reach my deadline. If I make my deadline, then within one years time, I will of lost more then 100 lbs.

I keep getting these moments where a smile crosses my face and instantly tears seem to fill my eyes and all I can think of is...I'm going to be one of those stories that people talk about " Remember Collette? That really big girl from grade school? SHE lost 100lbs!" Everybody has always saw me as that fat girl. It's my opinion that when your fat people stop thinking of you as an actual person. They stop thinking of you as a women, they stop thinking of you as an option and you become the comfort person for a lot of people. This is why some people will always be fat in personality and why some people will never be able to see me as anything other then that fat comfortable friend. Others, they will suddenly be shocked by..." Where did you come from?" feeling. I will one day fall into their plane of vision and they will shock themselves for not seeing it before. This is my gift to myself. I am giving myself the opportunity to live my life. I am no longer giving myself excuses. I am no longer telling myself it's impossible. I am going to be skinny and I am going to be the best skinny me I deserve.

Skinny

I am 40 lbs away from being considered " Healthy" I honestly...never thought that this was going to be possible. I can't even fathom being heavier then I am now, and I can't believe I waited sooo long to get here! I'm dying to run into those people who always said it wasn't going to happen. 300-222 in less then one year. I'm impressed! Is that wrong? This is the ONE thing in my life, I have 100% control of and I might actually be able to make this ONE dream come true!
I was thinking about it today, and I started to analyze why I have finally been able to loose the weight. I laugh at the idea that I set my deadline for what would of been my two year anniversary with Ray. I'm not still in love with him. This is for me. This is soooo for me. This is so I can finally start my life. Finally I can wear clothes from the mall!!!! Finally I can flirt with guys without thinking they are grossed out by my weight. I might actually...be skinny. I COLLETTE WILL BE SKINNY! Skinny. Wow. SKINNY! For the first time in my entire life...I will be skinny. knock on wood!!

Just a thought...

As a young child, I was certain of my death. I'm not sure it was more then my morbid curiosity growing ,however I never really stopped thinking that my death was right around the corner.

Now as an adult, I sometimes forget this strange odd personality quirk and think positively. It is however every time I get ready to leave on a family trip I feel like " I'm not coming back". You may laugh at this, or even start to ask yourself about my sanity yet I have solid scientific proof to back up my thinking. See, nothing has ever really happened to me. Everybody that was alive when I was born, is still alive today ( as it relates to my family ect) There has also been a lack of tragic events in my life to which almost create an interesting story of an uneventful childhood. So I am always thinking how it's when I expect nothing, something will happen. Thus I find it helpful to expect that something tragic will undoubtedly happen sooner or later and because I have yet to pay cosmically and in karma, what will happen to me...will be big. Or...I might die in my sleep, peacefully, without any police standoffs, bear attacks, or freak California tornado's.

Don't miss me if and when I go though. This is simple also! I have had a great life! I have loved many and many have loved me. I have had the sampler plate of life if you will and I liked it! I haven't lived to regret anything or anyone. I am certain, as many I'm sure, that I have shared this planet with some of the most interesting people and if and when I leave, I will leave full. I just hope, in some metaphorical way, I have left a tip for all those people who have helped me. I'm a big tipper! I would like to be known that way!

Almost done with school!

As it is only fitting to mark this day with some sort of recognition, I find that finishing one of the more difficult college courses I've ever taken...needs no celebration. I instead will spend tonight, alone, eating chicken, drinking orange juice and talking to people on the internet. Why you ask? Because this is my life. Sad, but true. Well...very sad, and even more sadder, very true :(

Side note, I have the best cousin EVER. In the entire world. He's away fighting a war and all, but I fricken love him. And I can't wait for him to come back so we can be twins together. I'm getting extra drunk for him, one for me, one for my bitch in Afghanistan!

I have been pretty down. Depressed even.

But I realized that drinking is the answer! That's what I'm doing! It's working! I'm pretty happy! And I'm buying a new flat screen tv! AND a new mac mini, which is pretty f'in exciting if you ask me! And, grays anatomy is on bitches!

This fat cow isn't going to try again!

Here's my question, am I so stupid, soo boring, and unbelievably ugly that I don't deserve to even be spoken to? This guy! Lol, asks ME out, HE makes plans, HE asks me on a 3rd date...and then he doesn't call, in fact, he never calls, not even to say sorry. He doesn't call to say sorry, he doesn't call to say I'm not interested, he doesn't email, or text even!? WTF lol. So this would be okay, if it wasn't the second time that a guy has done this. The whole..." I'm to scared to tell you the truth" act is REALLY old! If I wasn't interested, or maybe something came up with an ex, I would AT LEAST tell the other person, no matter how many dates we had or hadn't been on. It's just the nice thing to do! What happened to manners people? Or is it that I am...freaky? Is that what it is? Am I soo ugly, soo repulsive? Sooooooo annoying and boring that people can't stand me?

I usually don't feel too down on myself, but now, I'm feeling like the fattest, ugliest, nastiest, disgusting, lowest person on earth.

It's not even about him not liking me, it's about...being treated like the subhuman scum that you have to cringe as you pass on the street.

I was happy before he came up and ripped up my routine. I was doing JUST fine! I in fact, DIDN'T even want to go on the first date! But I thought to myself...he's a normal, nice guy, why not? At least I'll be making a new friend. I laugh at my abilities to judge people correctly at this point.

Lastly, I ask this...when do I stop waiting on an answer from him? I caution you at this point! Don't mistake me wanting to hear from him with me being clingy, wanting, to be with him, it is more in fact, a plea for normal, considerate treatment from a person whom I thought was actually pretty cool. So now, every time my messenger chimes, or I get a new email, I hold my breath, thinking "maybe he finally got the courage to own up!" And only a super microscopic, tiny, itty bitty piece of me is hoping he has a completely reasonable answer; Which the probability of is shrinking every day.

I will say this...
I forgot what it was like to have somebody to talk to. I forgot what it was like having a friend. I have friends...but they have their own lives. I'm pretty much the only person left who isn't married, has a kid, or has a significant other. I don't even know where my cell phone is anymore. I do laundry once every month because...well, I don't go anywhere, or see anybody. If I didn't live with my parents, I wouldn't see people at all.

I'm alone again. Kinda sucks.

Ughh

I hate dating. I really really dislike having to depend on another person. I'm not a selfish person, and when other people are...it kills me! Well, actually it makes me angry. I had a dream last night that I had been on vacation, and I drove my car to the airport, took off, and then flew into another airport where my car was flown to meet me...and then I realized...my car wont make the drive all the way back to my home! And I didn't have money to fly me and my car back. And that's kinda what dating is like. If I never have to date again, it will be too soon!