फ्री फल्लिंग

I know why I'm fat. Because every time something hurts me deep down, I do everything I can to not cry. When I was younger, I was the joke maker of everything. I told everybody by showing them how STRONG I was. How unique I was. How I was more then fat, ugly and awkward. The truth is, I was never strong enough to deny the lump that grew in my throat. I would shove food in my mouth trying to get that feeling to go away, sometimes it festers on for days, even months until I can't handle it any more, and I have to sooth it with cake and ice cream, and telling myself lies. I shove comfort that I haven't found anywhere else down my throat and wait for the release of it's grip around my neck and wait to be able to breath my sweet breath of ignorance again. When you shape your entire world around people and things...and then you realize....you, not them, where wrong, you have a moment of....how to describe it...you know when you take a step without looking and the floor is actually a few feet further down then where you thought it was? It's like that. Except, it's feeling like my floor may be a few miles under the cloud I've been living on.

फिनाली!

I just needed somewhere to gloat......I've lost 35lbs in the past 3.5 months. First time in a loooong time that I am down this skinny, and I have 50 more to go before I will be the smallest I have been for most of my life. My goal wight is actually only 20lbs from that weight so in total I only need to loose 70lbs more till I am healthy, and skinny! Skinny, I don't care so much about, but healthy! No more pills, no more lethargic sitting on my butt because I'm so tired, and yayyy to finally fitting in clothes right! It's been so long since I've had something fit me right! My pants are fitting me ridicules right now! I mean, saggy butt! I hate it, but why buy new clothing when I am just going to keep loosing!? It's kind of encouraging to see how bad things fit and I keep it in my head to keep working out, keep taking my medicine and keep eating less! Late night snacking....it's killing me! Buy yayy Wii Fit! It's what I owe most of my weight loss too!

Just an observation

Have you ever noticed the way people talk at Fast Food drive Thurs? The world wide known system of communicating is to me, almost a strange anomaly within the universe. It's probable that this comes from years of conditioning, we all have observed the action of ordering at a tiny metal box. We even see it reflected the same way on TV, and in movies. What intrigued me the most was how I reacted when the person in front of me breaks this system of communication. How conditioned have I possibly become?

I wish I had some popcorn!

Ahhh, Sitting in a parking lot for for 3 hours laughing? What a wonderful night out lol; and a Roseanne marathon? Life is getting goooood!

Almost enough

All the books, all the friends, the Internet, myspace, college and any little bit of self-respect I have left can't seem to put me back together again. This may be getting to be bigger then I thought.

Falling down

I skipped school today. I spent the day with my mom. We got coffee, and went to the car wash. We then went to Costco and Target. When I got home, my friend called me. I had sent her a message last night. I told her how I was feeling. I told her I really needed her. I needed somebody to talk to. Somebody to be with for a few hours. She called me today, asked me how I was doing, and asked me to come over. I came, knocked on her door a few time. She didn't come. I then called her. She didn't pick up. I waited outside for ten minutes. She never came out.

This sucks

Today....How to describe today...
Horrible?
Unmanageable?
The kind of day that makes you wish you didn't move out of bed, let alone wake up? Yeah! That's it.

Symptoms. Oh wonderful symptoms! Now on top of the stomach aches, hypoglycemia, and depression...my hair is falling out. Not only is it falling out, but I'm getting sores on my head. It's HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE! I can't possibly get any lower on the scale. I couldn't even make it through class today. I couldn't seem to focus enough on the work to even stay for the entire hour.

I'm feeling desperate. I just wish I had something to look forward to again. I wish I had something to tie my concentration to. This is going to be the strangest analogy, but it's the only way I think I'm going to be able to explain it; Remember the cartoons where Elmer Fudd digs a hole, throws a carpet over it and then bugs bunny walks up unsuspecting and steps onto the rug? I'm feeling like that lol.

College of letting go!

I have spent all day today in my room working on homework. I worked ahead in all my classes and tried to get really orginized. I'm pretty proud of me!
Last night you ask?

Ouchy momma!

The only exciting thing about today has been the fact that I have been so sick that I can't focus on much else. My tummy feels like somebody has stabbed me, poured gas on the open wound, then threw it in the microwave. Interesting combination, I'm sure, however, it's as accurate as I could get.

Hopefully there will be UNO tonight, I'm...pretty bored and doing homework...just isn't sounding like it will be the funnest thing to do in the world.

HEDGE

Uhh, btw, what the heck happened to Hedge? I MISS YOU! I miss you AND your completely random thoughts and comments from a far! Have you been lurkin again?