I need to stay on my drugs because...talk about hormones. I was a little loopy this week, but...last night...I'm amazed. Scott and noel really pulled through for me. And it's funny. Because Who would of thought lol.

And then I had this dream...that was WILD. Makes me wonder what the hell is going on in my head! Im dreaming about men I have no chance with and no real intrest lol. But...now that I'm awake, Im thinkin..."Damn, he is pretty cute...."

I spent the whole day getting ready, cleaning the house, making sure everything was going to be great. I told people weeks ago about it so they could make it. I then went and bought snacks, soda, games, and booze, and...nobody even returned my calls... People who said they would come just a few days ago, who where supposed to call today and confirm...are nowhere around. I feel so stupid. Like a little girl who gets all ready for her birthday party and nobody shows up...actualy that's happend to me..when I was 13. Where is the hole I can crawl into? Why do I always try to do everything for people who do absalutly nothing for me when I need it most? Try calling me again people, see if I pick up...

AGHhhHHHhhHHHhhHHh

This post shall be dedicated to what's wrong with people.

When I got up this morning...I got up 3 hours before I had to be to school. I got ready and left 2 hours before class. I was in the SRJC parking lot 1.5 hours before class started and I waited exactly 1 hour and 20 min to find a spot. As I was pulling into the spot...another car wrapped itself around the corner and scooped in just as I was making the turn into the spot. Now...I'm a pretty nice person. I usually figure that people will be who they are regardless if I let myself get all worked up the situation. So I calmed myself down, then I remembered that I do this all the time. I ALWAYS let people off for the shit they do. When I do something wrong am I as easily let off? No. And part of that is because I would NEVER do something like cut somebody off in traffic, or steal a parking spot, or even cut in line! I feel guilty even when somebody is being rude to me at a store because I'm thinking they are just prolly having a bad day and needed somebody to take it out on. Why am I this person? My best friend...he's the kind of guy that you would hear the words " lets take this outside" on a frequent occasion. He's the person that will say something to the person talking in the movie theatre, or to somebody who is rude to him in the store. It bothers me sometimes, thinking he is really mean, other times...I am jealous. I want to be that person. Cursed by my kindness. It's done me nothing amazing yet. I haven't had any stranger leave me his millions in his will because I was that person who was nice to him in his time of need, I haven't had great luck finding a great guy who sees me for " something amazing and rare" Hell, even my own friends tell me I'm a carpet for other people to walk on. But...where do I draw the line? One day I'm getting worked up over a parking spot, next month I get in a fight and land my ass in jail, then I'm one of those people who think they are entitled to everything. I can't stand those people...All I am asking for is...a little piece of the pie here people!!?? Can I get at least a little? Like a small Lottery win, maybe a great boyfriend, a cool job? A stranger telling me Im pretty...damn..I got nothing.

Boyfriend broke up with me, crappy cell phone company that wont even give me a phone, and a bitch who stole my parking spot. I'm going to take a nap.

Eh

Sometimes, I have a dream, that when I wake up, I am lost for a second thinking it was true, and then there is this moment of sadness where I realize that it's not true. I did that last night. I was dreaming that I had married Ray, and we where having a baby, and I was trying to tell everybody but I couldnt get ahold of anyone. When I woke up...I thought, " Oh that's so funny! I can't wait to tell babe!" but then I realized...he's not there anymore. It happend so suddenly and so out of the blue, for me at least,that it's like feeling like I phantom limb I lost. There are better days then others, usualy if I work out hard, it makes it easier to throw myself into other thoughts, but days like today...when I wake up thinking about him...it's hard. One day I was getting kisses and hugs and " I miss you baby!" and the next day...nothing.

My meds are going pretty good though. The only thing that is still hard is how tired they make me feel. It's like I've stayed awake for three days and just ran a mile. Next week will be the real test! Back to school!

Lifes truths

I have the most amazing family in the world. I have two parents that are supporting me through my re-entry to college, and who's love never falls short. I also have an amazing cusin. He has been there for me when no others where. His words spoke to my level like no others. I find clarity now, where I had found tears only minutes before. I am quite pleased with the knowledge of understanding that...this is only one small point of my life, which I am sure, will be nothing short of many more low painful moments only shaded by the amazing high points.

#1

Workout day #1
I wasnt able to work out early in the morning because...I had to wait to get the equipment until late in the afternoon. I did however try hard to make a real effort at doing the exercises. I picked up a medicine ball and a balance ball also. I'm hoping on loosing at least 5lbs a week. Then that would mean around 40lbs for two months, and that would place me around 20lbs away from my goal waight. Sooo....we will see how it all goes.

Working out does make me feel better then I have been. It gives me time to think about how much I dont want to fly off the back of the tredmill and nothing of people who have fucked up as of late.

We will see hot I feel tomorrow hahahaha....oh the Jello feeling is pretty sweet!

Working out

It's hard when things suddenly become diffrent. I'm not a creature of change. I like to know about things, when, how, and why.

Out of the blue? HATE IT.

So...to get my mind over all that has happend...I am going to start throwing myself into working out. It's going to be kind of sad, but hopefully it will make a diffrence. If I loose 5 pounds a week like this week; then I will hopefully be at 30lbs by the end of the month. If I can loose 60lbs by the next two months then...I will be at my goal waight! Yayy me!

My brother in law just asked me to babysit my neice on what was my anniversary week...

This really sucks.

Skinny Inside and Out

I have officaly been on Metformin for a week now. Side effects? Holy cow! I usualy get pretty sick in the morning, like im going to puke warm nasty all over the place. Then once the food and the pills mix, I become so full I can barley walk. Sometimes, I will have a glass of water, part of a bowl of cereal, and I will feel like I'm carraying twins. There's some other side effects, however, I don't think you want to hear about them all....

So plus side?? I'm hardly hungrey anymore. When before I would become soo hungrey it would actualy make me sick, and I would almost feel like I was going to be sick if I didnt shove something in my mouth in seconds. Probobly because of this...my body has started to change like I've never seen it change before. I'm not excatly feeling like I have lost wait, but more like my waight is moving. My hip fat and stomach fat is becoming slimmer and my pants are hardly staying up anymore.

It makes me pretty angry knowing this is what has been wrong with me for the past 10 years and now, that I am 23 years old, they finaly find out what it is. It's a condition called Poly cystic Overies. It's the leading cause of infetitlitiy in women in the United States.

Making a choice

Soo....I've been using another blog...but...I'm done with that.

Life right now isn't excatly clear...but I'm pretty sure it will be.

I can't wait to start school again and throw myslf into it. I want to get started on my life again. I feel like I forgot to be a grown up lately.

I started my new medicaines and as far as side effects go...I've never slept so much in my life! I came home after the fair and a movie yesterday and went to bed at 11:30pm, and slept until almost Noon. Then I went back and took two naps each almost 3 hours. It's a pretty...strange time.

Right now. I'm just going to try to move on. Even if some people don't want to let me do it.

I almost forgot

This is what I have been up to. Nothing much. Lots of arts and crafts