sad

I still miss you. I lurk but it only makes me sad.

Inspire

Instead of seeking new landscapes, seek new eyes
-Marcel Proust

Again

It's not his now graying hair, or in the shaking hands he tries to hide. It behind his eyes, hidden within the words or meaningless conversations. I hear it over and over, and though he speaks softly and slow, it seems to ring through my ears as a scream of pain, a cry for help, a howl for something to finaly be true.

Lame!

Sooo....I decided, Im just going to try a little patch...see what it looks like...then a little became a little more. then a little more became too much and too much became the whole thing and the whole thing became...both and both become a MISTAKE! I always told myself I would never give in and shave my arms. I always had big ugly hairy arms and I loved them, but then, months of people saying things...I gave in...I feel LAME!

You

It's not easy for me to ask for help. It's never been me who was the one that needed the help....well...thats not true, I just am not the one to ask or accept it when I need it. I tend to make the same mistakes over and over agian. You may not be able to add my devotion in $ or in any other visual amount, but the obvious addiction to your happiness is proof enough. When the world turned on you, and the truth came out, I was there. When friends turned on friends, I choose you! I was there to hear you cry, I was there to get your mind away. I brought you gifts to get your mind off of the sadness, and I left those behind that hurt you. I WAS THERE! I realized last night...I needed her. I needed somebody there to...BE THERE for me. I needed a friend to keep me strong when I know I couldnt. I know I had to face this soon enough and head on because I wanted to get it away for my mind...I wanted you to be there for me. You didn't show up. You didn't call. You wheren't there, you wherent even close. It hurt. I won't lie. It hurt a lot. Im sorry, because this is it. My heart can't keep being stepped on, walked over and dissapointed. Even though it breaks my heart even more to loose what I am giving up...however I feel...I have already lost it.

Returned

It makes a thump of sorts as it drops to through my chest, making it's way past my blackening lungs through the thining curves of my hips down to the very back dark pit where I push my noticable tears to, where I hide my fear and where butterflys run wild. This is what it feels like to be alone. This is the feeling that everytime I think about it, I swear I will never experience again. When my heart settled to the very bottem of my stomach today I realized that... this is not something I won't be able to walk away from this time. I feel like anything I ever cared about is hopelessly gone. My friends.....the people I used to be friends with...they walked away. I look at my phone calls and realize...the last time somebody JUST called to....say hi.....months. Lots of people calling me back..returning my plees for contact. There are so many who have walked in and out of my life. I miss them. He walked away so easy. My heart feels like its broken in a million peices. He was my best friend. I really got along with him. And he walked away. She, she woke up. It's never going to be the same...

Lame

I'm Bored. I made plans to go out. He didn't call back. Im Hungrey. There's no food in the house. Today Sucks.

I presume there are many things in my life I hold in a much diffrent light then that in which they first shone. I've sidelined myself in my own life. With not a great deal of understanding I have distenced me from my......self. Part of me just pushed pause waiting for that moment when I didn't feel like I was just spinning my tires.

He pushed play tonight. Porqué?

Star(s)-fish

It's seeping through my thoughts.
It's perfect. Not Perfect.
Not amazing. Completely amazing.
Completely impossible.
Possible?
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
and
over in complete Crystal amazement.

Never such an amazing person have I met.
Never such an amazing person have I lost.
Thinking about it makes me sick, not thinking about it makes me giddy, wanting it makes me think about how I can't, not wanting it makes me feel as if I will never get what I deserve and looking into his eyes...makes ME melt.

WOOOOOoooOOOOOOW!

He asked me to come over....I said " Sure" and never showed up....

Is it possible to be sick and tired of things that make you the happiest? I'm so over drinking, going out, hanging...I just want to step back and hopefully " It" will come to me. It seems like... the only things I look forwards drinking. Every week its a new argument. Every week it's a new dissapointment. Everyweek, it's me getting my hopes way up for another let down. Each week we all seem to be falling deeper and deeper into what...We all know would happen. Maybe we didn't care. Maybe they didn't think of this when they first started. Maybe he thought, " this is my way in" when in fact...he's only trying to give himself a way out. I told him that. He said I over think things. I told him he under thinks things.