Bad

I've felt real bad for some time now. The feeling has gone from bad to worse than from worse to unbearable. I have absolutely no idea what to do and that's the most honest truth. I guess that's what left me here...

Living in California

It was so bright and sunny yesterday. Today...We have gloom. It's kinda nice not to be swimming through puddles of heat but the sunshine just felt kind ok yesterday. Living in the " Sunshine State" always has it's advantages. Everybody wants to live where I do. 30 min from the beach, 45 from San Francisco, Small but growing town, good business, smallish crime rate, diversity, and the house next door can always sell for a couple million.

Away

Im so tired, I should be in bed! I got up this morning on the wrong side of my life and the day just went like that for the entire time. I'm driving to work and it starts...I just randomly started bawling. I couldn't stop for the life of me and all I could think of was how shitty I have felt for soo long and how I'm nearing not being able to keep it under control anymore. I wake up crying most times and am going to sleep in the same state. I sit at work and think about bad bad things and than come home only to eat eat eat. When I was a lot younger I used to think something was very wrong with me. Like I was broken and needed to be fixed. I started thinking that this was all from a very bad time from my childhood, but even though I would like to blame this on Those events and that person...I'm starting to wonder if it's not something more. No matter how I start that conversation I always end it or it gets ended before I even start

Sick

I let the fear take the wheel and drive. It takes me on wild adventures sometimes. I get to see the world from the passenger seat and I waste no time correcting the mistakes. It's not true; I've spent my life playing everything safe. My confidence has died. Why? I keep second guessing everything I do. It's hard to keep up with my own mind.
I realize as I sit here...That in all these words, I have lost what I really sound like. This isn't me.

Fat and Alone....fun

You know your fat and lonely when you say things like " Yeah, I had a dream about this guy, he was cooking me dinner." And your friend asks who and you don't even remember but you follow up with " Screw the guy, I don't even remember him, the food was what was great!"

The yellow brick road

I often wonder if this is all worth it. I sit here in front of a nameless screen and tell it my life and in return I await some ultimate response from it's other faithful followers. It's an odd relationship but that's what I'm all about. In the real world I am just another nameless face in front of millions of others trying to be noticed.
I keep taking that lame deeper look as to why I am not happy and I am slowly realizing...How is anybody ever happy? Things always intervene into my world, crashing colliding, smashing and I am barley able to cope most of the time. So how can I look up, smile and say " Oh happy world, bring me peace?" There are simply times when I can not be expected to be happy. There seems to be a time and a place for my happiness, I just need to find it.
I don't want to go to work today. It's getting harder and harder to be who I want in that store. It constantly feels like people are pulling on me to sway me to be either one person or another. Maybe it's all in my head, but the words of a friend where to not let their world Jade me. I think that's in interesting enough look on that store. It's a battle field full of zombies and people who are happy being miserable. I don't want to end up one of these people who are fighting for the unhappiness of another person. I have been down this path, it's dark and scary, and I fear sometimes, that I'm lost.

So this is what happens when I get overly bored. Changing of templates and random pictures show up all over the place!

This is rosa enjoying one of our many trips to...Looks like bakers square? Maybe denneys? I donno...

My phone sucks! However this is my nephew who broke his leg and is now in this present condition

Bored like the Rainnnnnnnn

I am Bored. Bored enough to try to talk to Co-workers online. Bored enough to try to balance a spoon on my nose and yes, even bored enough to start spending the money I do not have on shoes from the internet. Yes my friends, I am that bored. You know what's sad? The co-worker is snubbing me, the spoon isn't working and the shoes, they don't have them in my size. I can't get anything right.

It's back.

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