Slowly

It's just as it was...just a little wild. There was a boy...Just as most stories begin...and than the boy was just acting a little diffrent than normal, boy gets wild and than boy has to be told to go away. Life as I know it.

That is all

God bless Hot door to door sales men

The Story of the un-lived girl

I'm incomplete. I've lost my other half ( My sanity, my faith, my passion). It feels like I'm alone in a world I have nobody else to blame for except myself. That hurts even more because I don't know how to get myself out. I have long subscribed to this well built idea that there is a person out there I can talk to. Not my " True Love" or the person " I'm meant to be with" but rather the person who understands what I'm saying most of the time and that I understand what they are saying. I miss having actual conversations with people because it's been long since I have had a person I actually fit with. It sometimes feels like there's that person out there...But that they have also spent long broken as I have. I don't want to become this Un-happy, un-lived girl. That's not who I want to be...But where I am now. Where did I take that wrong turn? And why can't I stop talking about it?

I'm too tired to care right now...

It's the breeze that swiftly moves throw the open windows as I pass through the twighlight lit streets, that remind me of what I once believed as the " beautiful theory". This was a childhood concoction that stated things in this world where not simply "pretty" and "Ugly" but rather, all "Beautiful" in their own little ways. Probably because I was never a popular child, I believed this for a very long time. After working in a store where you see much more than the normal amount of the earths rejects, you begin to look for the very ugly seed in most everybody. After a month or so learning what it really means to be an ugly person myself, I have learned one valuable lesson: We all are beautiful, it's only ugly people who can see the ugly in you, but it takes a truly beautiful person to see even the smallest bit of beauty in the ugliest of people. I definently am not one of those people, but there are days where I am dead tired from the last verbal assault of the night, and in will stroll this person who has this smile, this look, this something that makes me smile, giggle, be happy, be the person who wants to go on living again. I miss these people, I am one who seeks ugly in most but knows there must be more. I guess that means there's hope for me after all!

It's sad, not funny, kinda mean, more gray than untrue

Im real tired of being alone.

It's redundant

I'm boring aren't I? I'm a boring boring person, I've started to effect not only my friends, but even myself. I accidentally locked myself out of my bedroom and It's going to take an act of god to get back in there and it's horribly killing me right now. I would like to, more than anything else right now, go to bed and curl up into a big sleeping fest that will kill me for 14 or so hours. Why can't I just be a happy person?

True eurt

Str141: new years SUCK
Kmayhem26: why
Str141: the same reason valentines isn't a day I recognize on my calendar

Tabula Rasa

I've been a long believer in the idea that life is only what we make it. I don't know how I got these ideas and where I'll ever go with them, however...These are the ideas that get me into trouble. I was the odd kid who thought a lot about things and well I may admit it here...I will never actually speak about the times when I would find it more than satisfying than to sit and watch the world. I was young when I was first captivated by my own thoughts. The ideas that I could possibly possess lend me to many years in classes that never satisfied what I was truly wondering; Where do my thoughts come from? Are people built with all that they will ever be? Or are things built from the experiences they encounter? Or are those even the makings of a life that has been built?
psychologists call it " Tabula Rasa" which means " Clean slate". It is what John Locke who first named "life in which we create". He Believed that ALL knowledge (behavior) comes from EXPERIENCE. Thinking about this, we all limit our lives in some ways. Bound by what is right and what is accepted, we all learn to tell ourselves that life is one thing or another. Looking at it truthfully, and historically I've always guessed that life was the search for happiness. Gods, spirits, angels and things of the such, all lend towards this promise, " You will be happy eternally". There are those whom don't believe in such Gods, these are the people whom please themselves on other levels. We all strive for that job that will make us rich and thus happy. We all want that family that we believe will be perfect for us. This being true...Why have we lost sight in what we want? People live lives full of pain not ever thinking... Why? Why stay doing what I don't what to do when I can do what I really want and be truly happy? I live like such. I am imprisoned in the fear between being happy and being right. In a world that will kill you if you are different, I have always lived border to what I want and where I'm going. I live in such fear my life will be paralyzed never and only affected by time.

The way it used to be

Christmas for me was yesterday. We opened presents and had some pizza. Haha, the normal Howell tradition. It was nice. What was the best for me...Was how I went to be at 12:30am ( Early for me) than woke up about...3 minutes ago at 2:20pm. Hahaha, I feel so much better now! No alarm clocks, no kids screaming, no fighting...It was nice! But my parents aren't here and I don't know where they are! I woke up to the house being cold and quiet. Not that I'm complaining because I am vegging out in front of the computer, eating candy watching the Govanator do un-humorous stunts in that retarded movie he did. I kinda miss the way things where in the olden days...Me and my sisters waking up early enough to catch the moon, making my parents coffee, opening presents, cleaning up, playing until Naps where necessary. Things change...I need to get used to that...Somehow.

Tiredness sets in...Christmas does too

Str141: Fuck
Kmayhem26: what?
Str141: i need to go shopping but i don't want to even blink at this moment